2058. New Year's at 58!

This is the official (facebook) release for tomorrow night's New Year's Party at 58.

Come celebrate the year 2058, 49 years early! Starting at 10 pm.

Hosted by Melissa Surach (Baby Hole Comedy) who performs her Year in Revue, Live Jazz and Music by Any Day Parade at Midnight. DJ's Neil Eggs McCoy, Brian Jones, Dancing Tony & Auttie McNaughty, DJ Soul and mEgan, Lex Leonard and Special Guest DJ's.

Thanks. You're the best!

What am I doing this weekend? Tarot and Funerals!

Hey everyone,

So my grandpa died last week, and we finally got his body from Poland, so now we can bury him. He designed the Katyn Memorial at Exchange Place. There was an article about him in The Jersey Journal.

Also, tomorrow I'll be giving out free tarot readings at Balance from 12-5 pm. The catch is you have to buy a calendar. I'll also be telling jokes or reading essays, or whatever else Carla wants me to do.

Calendar Delivery

Hey every​one,​

Time'​s runni​ng out to get your speci​al frien​d a Melis​sa Surac​h 2009 Calen​dar for the holid​ays,​ and I would​n'​t want to make your speci​al frien​d angry​.​

If you order​ a calen​dar today​ or tomor​row,​ I'll drop it off mysel​f as soon as I get it if it's being​ shipp​ed to Jerse​y City.​ If not, we'​ll talk about​ it. Maybe​ I'll meet you on the PATH train​.​ Just promi​se not to murde​r me, okay?​

You can order​ one onlin​e from my blog or myspa​ce page or just email​ me. Or you can buy one right​ now from Anoth​er Man'​s Treas​ure,​ Balan​ce or Imagi​ne Atriu​m.​

Thank​s!​
Melis​sa

Buy my calendars at these stores!

Hey everyone,

I wasn't going to distribute the calendars at stores this year, but I'm going to be away for the week and didn't want you to miss your chance to buy one. So you can buy calendars from these places. Most of them carry the 2/$20 deal that everyone loves.

Another Man's Treasure
353 Grove Street
Jersey City, NJ

Balance Hair Salon and A World of Style Vintage
18 Eerie Street
Jersey City, NJ

Imagine Atrium
528 Jersey Avenue
Jersey City, NJ

You can also order them from me online.

Thanks!
Melissa

The best Sarah Palin sketch ever

I know that Sarah Palin is old news, but she has a place in my heart, and here is the best sketch I've ever seen.

I don't think you can really call it a parody or satire, how do you translate humor? Are Little Pequena's antics translatable? Is she or he supposed to be funny in Spanish?

I'll never know. But I do know that I love this video.

High Hats, Doldrums and Beatings to Death

I'm reading some essays from my unpublished manuscript tomorrow at Imagine Atrium, the only bookstore in Jersey City, at 7 pm. I'll bring the wine if you bring the money.

Tonight is my calendar release party and the last BabyHole.

Hey everyone,

Don't be sad that tonight is the last BabyHole of the year. Be happy that you can buy my new calendar!

Tonight, BabyHole will go out with a bang, and maybe you will too.

MELISSA SURACH CALENDAR RELEASE PARTY AND BABYHOLE
Tuesday, December 9th, 8:30 pm, FREE!
The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street,
Jersey City, NJ

Featuring my favorite comedians and band.

The rock and roll of No Pasaran! Preview them here.http://www.myspace. com/pasaranno

The sketch comedy of Jerk Practice.
.

The musical comedy of Jessica Delfino. She's been denounced by The Catholic League and makes Christmas ornaments out of tampons.


Ukulele parody by Ben Lerman. This is him at last year's Calendar Release Party,


Also, we're having a canned food drive for Let's Celebrate!

And, there's about 8 open mic spaces.

Thanks!
Melissa

The 2009 Calendar

This is the cover. Presales are open. If you order it from me before tomorrow, you can get it for $10. Otherwise, you have to pay $12.

Calendar Presales Open!

Hey everyone,

You can order my calendar now for a discount. Just email me for details, or come to BabyHole JC Friday Showcase tonight at The Lamp Post.

Please buy my calendar.

Please.

Thanks!
Melissa

News and booze!

I went away for a few weeks to visit my boyfriend's family and go on a cruise. It was lots of fun, except when I got sea sick on land for four days and almost threw up in an aquarium. I am so done with touching sting rays.

Then, when I got back last week, blogger was down, and I almost threw up on it too.

Here's what's new with me:

My calendar is almost done and will be sent to the printer tomorrow or Friday.

I'm working on a public access show, as you've seen by the Jersey City videos I've posted. When I finish my calendar, I'll shoot some real sketches (not just Jersey City ones), and the show should be ready in January, and I'll do a screening at a BabyHole. On a side note, book me at your show. I need to push these calendars!

In January, I'll start researching my ghost tour again. If you have a location you'd like me to investigate, let me know. Jersey City Ghost Tour starts in March, when the weather gets nicer. I hope to do a haunted pub crawl too. Let me know if your bar is haunted.

I'm a little entrepreneur!

Steve Fulop Interview

This is the shortest version of the Steve Fulop interview. Unfortunately, I had to omit a lot of stuff because I had a lot of technical difficulties with it and it took a long time, so a lot of the interview was out dated.

I'll probably use a longer version of the interview cut into segments for the public access show.


Talkin' to Important People Interview with Steve Fulop from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

My videos

Barack Obama won the election last night, but more importantly, last night at the bar, someone asked me if I was trying to get famous with these videos that I'm making.

Well, I'm not trying to get famous. I'm trying to get a job.

I'm already famous in Jersey City (duh).

If you like my videos, please forward them to your friends and comment on them. I also have them on Youtube. I personally hate putting things on Youtube (though I love watching it). Vimeo is much better.

Melissa's Vimeo Channel
Melissa's YouTube Channel

And also, if you like my videos, please note that I write and produce and edit everything in them, except for the interviews. I force my boyfriend to work the camera, but I pretty much do everything, so hire me.

Also, last night, someone told me that I should run for Mayor. I would, but I don't have enough money. Unless you hire me, so I can save some.

Sarah Palin Shoots an Apple off of Baby Trig's Head from a Helicopter

Sarah Palin Shoots an Apple off of Baby Trig's Head from a Helicopter from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

Late Nite Curiosities

I'm doing Art House's Late Nite Curiosities Halloween show. I'm super excited about. I'm going to do a Sarah Palin/Baby Trig circus act. I'm trying to make it as distasteful as possible. It will, after all, probably be the last time I'll be able to be Sarah Palin, since she fade away back to obscurity.

But I will miss her. She's like the new Britney Spears, the new train wreck. I'll miss all the stories about her newest ethic's probes and mishandling of money and clotches, her ramblings about issues that she absolutely can't comprehend. Sometimes she just makes things up, like her explanation of Barack Obama's socialism, when she said that there would be no ownership under his presidency.

I will also miss the overt racism at her rallies. And I will miss the baby on her shoulder. But most of all, I will miss her bitchy attitude when reporters ask her questions.

Good bye, Sarah. You were fun.

Ghost huntin' around the Square

So I went ghost hunting tonight, and almost got hit by car shrapnel under the turnpike. People should stop drunk driving if they want less ghosts.

There was an accident right as we were coming down the hill and walking under the turnpike. It sounded like the car hit the side and kept going. Some of us saw sparks. We all ran because we thought we were going to get crushed, except for Kerri Pussy Knife, who stopped dead in her tracks, frozen with fear, clutchin Erin, who was trying to flee, and could not fight off Kerri Pussy Knife's powerful grip. I'm glad that they didn't get crushed.

The homeless guy under the turnpike didn't seem to notice.

What's the Exchange Place?

This is the new old video. I shot it the same day as the Pride Festival, but I had to split the idea up into two because it didn't work together.


Hey! It's Jersey City. What's the Exchange Place? from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

Mini midwest tour

So I'm going to the midwest for a few days in December and I was wondering if you or your midwestern friend would like to book me at your show. I can do stand up or read humorous essays and I'll do any show any where.

I'll probably be visiting Ann Arbor, Chicago, Madison and Minneapolis. I don't know where else yet. I haven't really planned it.

Thanks!
Melissa

I'm a Jersey City treasure!

I posted my video on JC List and all of the reviews that printed were very nice and someone even called me a Jersey City Treasure. It's true! See here!

That's even nicer than when Another Man's Treasure called me "Jersey City's Comedic Sensation" in a pamphlet to get people to go to a reading I did there.

I used to say, "Thanks, Jersey City," sarcastically in response to getting attacked on stage when I used to host the Waterbug. But now I will mean it when I say it.

And yes, I will be starting a petition to force City Hall to give me an award.

Since I got over 200 hits on one of the videos in like, a day, I made a new Outtake and I'll do another one from the Pride Festival as background about Exchange Place today.

I have video of an interview I did with Steve Fulop, but the tape that has the primary audio is messed up and won't capture. I hope I can salvage it. It was a good one.

For now, I'm only working on the "Hey! It's Jersey City." event guide when an event happens. In the future I hope to do more of the travel guide (they didn't seem to mesh well when I tried it earlier). The travel thing will have to be more planned out. In the meantime, I'm going to focus on sketches that don't necessarily have to do with Jersey City.

If you notices that my website is featured on the videos and that it doesn't work, it's because I need to reformat it and I am terrible at web stuff. It should be up by next week.

Groove on Grove Outtake

This is an outtake from my interview with The House of Leaves from the Groove on Grove episode.


Hey! It's Jersey City. Outtake from Groove on Grove. from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

Groove on Grove video

Hey! It's Jersey City. Groove on Grove. from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

Thanks for not clicking on my stupid ads.

Seriously, thanks for not clicking on my Adsense ads. If you'll notice, it's been removed because Google is a jerk. Google's Adsense rejected me.

The reason they rejected me is my boyfriend thought that he would be clever and clicked on 100 ads from the same computer at his job. He earned me about $50, but then Google caught on that it was all one person and emailed me saying that I was abusing their program.

But I barely even got started abusing their program. I didn't even make my interns (sisters) click on them from different computers or text my friends.

Thanks, Google.

This week's BabyHole! Sausagefest Contest!

This week's BabyHole is going to be another good one. I don't mean to sound like a dick, but they're all pretty fucking good.

BabyHole Sausagefest Contest
Tuesday, October 14th, 8:30 pm
FREE!

Featuring Leibya Rogers. She's a folk musical poet. Here is an animation someone made of her songs.


And Jamie Lee doing stand up.

And Saint Patrick. I used to cohost the Waterbug with him until I got attacked on stage. This is him doing his cheese song. What's with his hair?


And not to mention about 8 potential open mic space.

At The Lamp Post. 382 2nd Street in Jersey City.

My new video

I just finished uploading the first episode of my fake Jersey City travel guide, "Hey! It's Jersey City." This episode is about the Pride Festival.


Hey! It's Jersey City. Jersey City Pride. from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

I'm going to start working on the Groove on Grove episode today. The Steve Fulop interview has a problem with the video from one of the cameras. I hope to get it resolved by November.

I AM SARAH PALIN

I was right. Last night's BabyHole WAS the funniest all year. Jerk Practice, the first sketch troupe we ever had, was amazing. My favorite character of the night was the pervy rook in the chess sketch.

And then there was the always-amazing Jessica Delfino, who wore the best outfit I've seen in a long, long time (except for my Sarah Palin outfit, of course).

She wore patent-leather low cut laced heeled shoes, red and white striped knee socks, lace stockings, a pleated plaid miniskirt, a tie dye hoodie and bright red lipstick. I wish there were pictures. She played an electric ukelele and debuted her new song, "I got a Yacht," which is a dance song. She also did some old favorites, like "Don't Rape Me," which is my favorite song ever.

I hosted the show as Sarah Palin. Apparently, I did a good accent. I was worried that I didn't have enough material for it, but then I realized that neither does she. Everyone agreed that my outfit was very Palin (except for the stains, holes and being found rather than purchased), and some said I should wear it every day. Well I intend to. Temp agencies, here I come!

If Sarah Palin dressed like I normally do, barefoot in a dirty T shirt and jeans, would she have won the VP nomination? I don't think so. I've learned something from her. A sense of style. Thanks, Sarah!

I think I might bring Sarah to Art House on Thursday, but I ALSO want to stay at home and watch the debates dressed like her. I don't know what to do!

Next Tuesday's BabyHole

Next Tuesday will be one of the funniest BabyHoles all year. There's no band this week. Instead, we have the sketch troupe Jerk Practice.

Then, we have an amazing musical comedian, Jessica Delfino. This is her in action.


And another amazing musical comedian, Ben Lerman. This is him.
(On a side note, that picture was taken by Eric Brown, International Beard Competitor and the photographer for most of my calendar. This is his flick page.)

Are they all no-names to you? Well acquaint yourself with them now. Here are some of their videos.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Come and hole it up with us this Tuesday, September 30th at The Lamp Post.

"The Perturbation of Palin"

I was emailed this week with a plan to annoy Governor Palin. This is a copy of it.

Dear Friends:

We may have thought we wanted a woman on a national political ticket, but the joke has really been on us, hasn't it?

Are you as disgusted as I am at the thought of Sarah Palin as Vice President of the United States? None of you, however, can be happy with Palin's selection, especially on her positions on women's issues. So, in response to this may I suggest a fiendishly novel idea?

Make a donation (of any size...) to Planned Parenthood......in Sarah Palin's name.

And here's the good part: when you make any donation to PP in her name, they'll send her a card telling her that the donation has been made in her honor. Here's the link to the Planned Parenthood website:

http://www.plannedparenthood.org

go to donate, then honorary gifts. You'll need to fill in the address to let PP know where to send the "in Sarah Palin's honor" card. I suggest you use the address for the McCain campaign headquarters, which is:

McCain for President
1235 S. Clark Street
1st Floor
Arlington, VA 22202

Feel free to send this along urging others to do the same.

Ben Lerman at BabyHole on Tuesday

Claudia captured Ben Lerman on her cell phone at the BabyHole Awards last Tuesday. This is it. Notice how our new venue, The Lamp Post, is so shitty. At the next show, I will have a petition for Jersey City to allow me to have an entertainment license in a 10-foot radius where ever I go.

In this video, Ben is covering "Can I Smell Yo' Dick?" He's a really great musical comedian. Go to his website. www.benlerman.net.

Stupid Pride video

So I restored the project and got the video back, but now I have to redo all the audio work I did today. It is so annoying that I would rather be blogging than working on the stupid video.

My Pride video

I shot video at the JC Pride festival as part of my Jersey City travelogue series. I was almost done with it. I was just fixing up all the audio and color corrections and planned on putting it online later on today or tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, somehow, an entire video track got deleted. So now I have to redo all those clips and fancy transitions and dick shots. It's going to be a few hours of work, at least, really annoying, tedious work, and I already have a headache from it. Thanks, God.

The Alaskan rally against Palin

This is a video of the Alaska Women against Sarah Palin rally. I think every women in Alaska was there. There's only like 100, right? Well, the figure for this rally is 2,000 people, the largest in Alaska's history.

Some stupid radio host, who called them "baby killing socialist maggots," broadcast the names and home phone numbers of the organizers on their show. Then the organizers got harassed and threatened. What is wrong with people?

BabyHole Awards

Last night's awards ceremony was lots of fun. Thanks to all the five people who came. Here are the results:

BABYHOLE AWARDS
Bright Lights Big City: Matt Kelly
Most Racist: Hugh Eric Shin
Most Latino: Ralph Santiago
Ms. BabyHole: Emily Faith
Mr. BabyHole: Ralph Santiago
Busy BabyHole Bee: Ralph Santiago
Creepiest Stand Up: Ralph Santiago
Best Abandoner: Emily Faith
Best Attendance: Rojo (Ralph Santiago won too many awards)

Also honored was:

Ben Lerman, for being the first BabyHole featured performer ever.
The Poconos, for being the first real band BabyHole had.
The House of Leaves, for performing the most BabyHoles out of every band.

I made the BabyHole Awards out of baby figurines, canned food, gold spray paint and hot glue. They were very cute. All of the fingers on my left hand are still gold from the paint.

GOLDEN NIPPLE RECIPIENTS
Norm Francouer (for lighting)
Max Michaels (for his outstanding performance at BabyHole VS Poetic Voices)
Joe Condiracci (for being a bartender and setting up the PA for us)
Ralph Santiago (I don't remember why I gave him one)

Golden Nipples were given out to people who do good jobs and nice things for BabyHole.

The crowd was small but the enjoyment was large. In fact, it was one of the smallest crowds in BabyHole history. Most of the people who were nominated didn't show up. They missed out. It was a lot of fun. Ben Lerman even did an encore. He's the best musical comedian ever, I think.

Would any Canadians like to get married?

So, if McCain/Palin win the election in November, I am going to move to Canada.

Sara Palin is like a soap opera villain, and it's like the election is a daytime soap opera (but not one of the good ones, like Passions or Dark Shadows, more of a boring one). There are too many reasons to enumerate on for the metaphor. I'll update it later, but in the meantime, would any Canadians like to get married?

My boyfriend said that if I get married, he'll break up with me. He says that Canada's too cold. He should get a jacket.

The BabyHole Awards results are in!

I've just tallied all the online polls for the award show on Tuesday. I know who the winners and losers are.

Also, I've just started using adsense. I know it's annoying and ugly, but I am really broke right now and I need to pay PSE&G.

So click on the ads if you want me to eat this week. I guess that's how it works.

Last chance to vote for BabyHole Awards.

Hey everyone.

This is your last chance to vote for BabyHole Awards. The voting deadline is Sunday, September 14th.

VOTE HERE NOW OR BE DISAPPOINTED FOREVER.

The Award Show will be on Tuesday, September 16th at The Lamp Post.

What's the difference between Jersey City and Williamsburg?

Here is an article from the New York Press.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2008
Ugly Words at a Beauty Pageant
“Let’s walk and talk,” said Misha Calvert, the driving force behind last week’s “Mr. and Miss Williamsburg” pageant, a project she took on as part of her community service for lifting beer from a deli. I was trying to pay attention to her assurances that the pageant wasn’t a rigged advertising gimmick, but what was going on next to us in the dressing room kept distracting me. This tall, buxom blonde, Lola Wakefield, was trying to swig Jack Daniels out of the bottle and change into a short, white, puffy crinoline party dress at the same time, but was stuck with the dress only half on. “Will you help me with this?” Gladly.

But first I had to ask Misha one last thing: “What’s with the MC? No one can understand a word he says.”
Misha started sweating missiles. “This fucking DJ is huge in Berlin!” she sputtered, “the crowd should be lucky to hear him mumble. So he did a little too much Xanax before the show and maybe a bunch of other stuff.”

The emcee, who goes by the name “Smurk,” came back into the dressing room for a smoke. He was wearing a plastic and rhinestone tie around his shirtless, emaciated chest. “We’re just trying to create a post-, post-, post-, post-, post-ironic world,” he said. Before he went back on stage he shared some sage advice with the aspiring beauty queens. “Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels.”

Back on stage, the contestants were crunking as the winners were announced. The girl crowned Miss Williamsburg, C.J. Johnson, boasted the talent of shot-gunning a PBR and taking her panties off through an American Apparel “onesie.” She gave the losers the finger and told them they were “all so very alternative.” Lola Wakefield knocked the plastic crown off her head, and Johnson threatened to gouge her assailant’s eyes out.

Lola, what do you think of the winner? “She’s a slut and doesn’t even live here. She drove in from New Jersey.”

Judge Sarah Morrison, summed things up (after she declared that she was “way hotter” than the winner). The jaded, bicoastal hipster said, “These kids all want to find the next cool thing, but like, it’s not here anymore. Just get it over with and move to Jersey City, you know.” Oh, is that where Morrison rests her head? “No, Williamsburg.”

Posted by Matt Harvey at 9:40 AM

XXXXX

This brings to mind a joke I gave up on about a year ago. "What's the difference between Jersey City and Williamsburg? About 20 pounds, I'd say!" It was inspired by old-timey jokes and Jersey City fatties.

Anyway, to all that Williamsburg kind: Please please please don't move to Jersey City. We don't like your kind here. We will be mean, snarky and judgmental to you. And you will probably get mugged. And we don't want you to drive up our rent.

There's nothing here, anyway.

My new hero

I have a new hero. Her name is Sarah Haskins and she looks like this.



She does a segment on Current.com's show, InfoMania, called Target Women. Current was started by Al Gore to be a media outlet for young people like me, who aren't retarded. Don't confuse it with our local publication, The Current, which is atrocious.

This is what Sarah has to say about Sarah Palin.

Special BabyHole tonight! How adorable!

Hey every​one,​

It's JC Frida​y.​ And there​'​s a very speci​al BabyH​ole Showc​ase at The Lamp Post.​ All of your favor​ite BabyH​olers​ will be there​,​ doing​ exten​ded sets.​

Max Micha​els
Ralph​ Santi​ago
Matt Jenki​ns
Matt Kelly​
Ryan Stevens

So let'​s all showe​r them with our love and ribbo​ns.​

BabyH​ole Showc​ase
Tonig​ht,​ Tuesd​ay,​ Septe​mber 5th, 9:00 pm
The Lamp Post
382 2nd Stree​t
Jerse​y City,​ NJ
FREE!​
5 block​s from Grove​ Stree​t PA

The Republican Convention gave me nightmares!

I watched a little of the convention last night, but I had to turn it off because it was so scary. These are some of the things that gave me nightmares:

-I had nightmares of the creepy Down Syndrome baby, which may or may not be Palin's grandson.

-I had nightmares of her giant, pregnant teenage daughter.

-I had nightmares of the walking corpse, John McCain and his Skeletor wife.

-The image of Cindy McCain rocking the Down Syndrome baby while her face was melting.

-That many old white people is not natural for a sample of our population.

-The state roll call was torture and it hurt my heart.

-The cowboy with the wireless electric guitar who sang "Raisin' McCain," which I guess is the campaign's theme song? My boyfriend said it was like a South Park episode.

Too scary for me! If McCain wins, I am going to hide under my bed and then move to Canada.

BabyHole Season Premiere tonight!

Hey everyone,

Put your diaper back on, because tonight is BabyHole's Season Premiere!

So I haven't advertised it as obnoxiously as I would, because our new venue is small and this show is going to be so big I didn't want it to explode.

BABYHOLE SEASON PREMIERE
WITH FLAMING FIRE
SEAN PATTON
EMILY EPSTEIN
VIDEO FROM JESSICA DELFINO
APPROXIMATELY 8 OPEN MIC SPACES
FREE FREE FREE

Hosted by me, Melissa Surach. And I swear I'll do a better job this year.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 2ND, 8:30 PM
THE LAMP POST
382 2ND STREET, JERSEY CITY
(5 blocks from the PATH station. Our old venue fled the country. The new one is the ONLY LEGAL PLACE TO HAVE SHOWS IN JERSEY CITY wtf? Write letters to City Hall)

It will also be BabyHole's 1st birthday. Bring presents if you want. I might bring cupcakes, but I'm really busy building the baby altar.

I am so terrible at everything

Well, I'm working on the Pride video all day today. It is so tedious. I hope the Fulop video will be ready on Monday. I am so upset at myself for not being better.

Not Famous Yet

I got a text message yesterday from my friend Kerri Pussy Knife. It said, "Saw you in the Current. You're a celebrity now!" I responded, "Wha??"

The Current, and The Jersey City Reporter, and up until last week, JC List and other online forums, will not print or mention anything about my shows. It's a combination of being wary of the term "BabyHole" and bad journalism. As a matter of fact, I had to lie about the name of my show just to get it listed in The Current. It's printed as B.H. Open Mic.

But after a successful year of BabyHoles, I've gained some credibility, and the managing editor finally sent me a response saying that they might be sending someone to cover my event soon. So I was surprised when I got a text saying that it was printed already. Not even an email interview? No request for photos? Wha??

I sent my boyfriend out for a beer and Current run. I requested a few for my press kit. He called me at the store to laugh at me.

I'm glad he picked up the beer. I opened the paper, and there I was, on page 2. There was blurb about me doing a comedy event at The Lamp Post beneath a lo-res picture of me from over a year ago at someone's apartment, I think. I've never seen that picture before, I don't know where or when it was taken, it was blurry, and I certainly wouldn't have chosen it for print. I DO have press pictures. Then, next to the picture, in the open mic listing, was the B.H Open Mic listing with outdated information, even though I've sent them the current details in my press queries.

So there was conflicting event listings within one inch of each other. Way to go, Current!

I wouldn't be so bitchy about it if there were more than four pages of content in The Current. Four pages of content is not hard to manage. You'd think that with all the real estate ads they have, they'd have enough money to hire a proof reader. Part time at least. I'd do it!

I worked on publications in college. I was editor in chief of a magazine, and was friends with both of the college's weekly newspapers, I had a column in one and hung out with the other, and we did a hell of a better job in college, as full time students with no journalism experience, than the Reporter does now.

Why doesn't the Reporter just become a Real Estate publication?

You'd think that with the Star Ledger going under, the New York Times pulling out of New Jersey, and the Jersey Journal totally sucking, and the fact that there's no event publication at all, the Reporter and Current might step up to the plate. But no.

Every city has to have a good local paper and event guide. If Jersey City wants to be taken seriously, it should get one.

Talkin' to Important People with Steve Fulop

I did my interview with Steve Fulop last night. It went over really well. Except the last shot was weird. And I'm kicking myself for forgetting to ask him if he preferred iceberg or arugula.

Hopefully I'll be able to get it up today. I have a job interview and I'm supposed to shoot Groove on Grove. We'll see.

You don't even want to know kind of bugs ate me.

Yesterday I went to do a quick calendar shoot in a garbage can. Eric Brown, the photographer, had a nice garbage can at his house. But it was too small, so we had to borrow his neighbor's. It was still a little small, but I crammed my knees inside. It's hard to find a good-sized garbage can!

It was a good shoot, and Eric has the coolest house out of everyone I know, and the cat that lives there is a model (it was JZ's cat in a photoshoot). But after shooting outside at dusk, in a garbage can, by a watery park, I am covered in slough of weird bug bites, some of which I've never seen before. There's a constellation of tiny blisters on the top of my foot. Gross, but beautiful.

Tonight I'm interviewing Steve Fulop. I think I'm going to call my interview series, "Talkin' to Important People." I need to decide this afternoon.

I'm also going to pick up a big vodka bottle as a prop. Surprisingly, I don't have one at my house.

Job Interviews

I had two job interviews today. I wore the nicest clothes I could find: A cardigan from high school, a shirt from the Salvation Army, some pants from the garbage, and shoes from Target. The first interview went really well. I rescheduled the other one. It was for a temp agency and I need to refresh my office skills before I take a test, and besides, I'm busy! That's why I'm blogging.

I've spent my entire afternoon working on the Pride video. So far, I've logged about half of it. We got a lot of B Roll. I haven't edited video in a few years and I forgot how tedious and time consuming it is. I'm like five hours away from the rawest rough cut, and I still have to do voice overs. I am so bored. Also, I binged on expired chocolate from the Dollar Store while working on it.

I have to go shoot some calendar soon. This is a busy week. I wish I could get paid for it. Can't I cash in artistic merit?

The Hatred Poll Results and I had a very good weekend, thank you very much!

The official results of my Hatred Poll's results are in. I am loved, not hated. Well, for the most part. A third of people hated me.

It was a pretty tight race. For a while, with 3 people out of 7 going for hatred, I thought I'd have to rule on general apathy. But then, out of nowhere yesterday, another 2 people voted, and they did not hate me. It was love!

And another thing: The weekend was pretty good. Friday sucked, but Saturday was awesome.

I woke up at 7 am, went the park twice, then to Staples and Target, bought Jumbling Tower (the generic Jenga), a printer and a microphone.

Then I spent the rest of the afternoon researching Exchange Place online and getting a loose script together to shoot the Jersey City Pride Festival for one of my new video projects. It's a series of fake Jersey City travel guides called, "Hey! It's Jersey City." My boyfriend helped me by testing out the microphone and making a press sleeve for it. That way, people took us seriously. When people saw us shooting, they looked at the microphone and said, "Oh, it's 'Hey! It's Jersey City'." He also shot the entire thing, which was very nice of him.

I've never been to a Pride Festival, but this was the best one I'd ever seen. We had a lot of fun.

We got so many great interviews with big Jersey City people like Christine Goodman, Norm Francoeur, Beth Occhendsasd (from JCLGO I'll get spell her name right in the video I can't find it now) and the two hosts, Ben Lerman and Jackie Monahan, among others. I didn't get interviews with Napoleon Paul Mendoza and Miguel Cardena because they were too busy working on the festival. We also got some dick shots from the dancing crowd.

Then we stopped by the after party at Hard Grove Cafe. But we couldn't shoot too much of that because it got dark and we got drunk.

After going over ReOdorent Joe's house for a bit, we went up to the warehouse party. We took a cab up there because it's in such a shitty part of town. There were like 500 hipsters in the parking lot. A lot of people I know were exiting because of the heat inside and they'd ran out of beer. It wasn't even one in the morning. That means they ran out of beer in about 2 and a half hours! We were there for about 30 minutes or so, but I hate dancing so we left. Then we walked back downtown because we didn't want to pay for another cab. It took like 45 minutes, but no one tried to mug us (unlike the last time I walked up Grand Street).

We were hungry, so we stopped at the only place still open, the fried chicken place. There were some people there from Pride and one guy told me not to waste time on my boyfriend because he was a closet gay. What a dick.

We went to Lucky 7, but it was already last call, and we were drunk enough. We went home, gobbled our fried chicken down, got stomach aches and went to sleep.

Then Sunday, we were only a little hungover. We got brunch and played fake Jenga. I won.

What a great weekend. I'll start editing the video today and hopefully have it up online this week.

I think that in general in Jersey City, things are getting bigger and more legitimate and even sponsored and force politicians to endorse it. I'm so glad we have such a great scene of people who are artsy and like to party and make sure that the local government knows it and makes it part of its agenda.

2009 Calendar, the creepiest Melissa Surach Calendar yet

Yesterday I started shooting the new calendar. We made really good time and got through five scenes in two hours. Eric Brown was the photographer. This is his flickr page.

There were some scenes that we couldn't shoot because there were too many children around and I couldn't find a garbage can to climb into. It was garbage day and all the cans were full.

But I must say, 2009 is so far the creepiest calendar that I've done. Last year's was a little creepy with Jon Benet-like photos of myself, but this year's has blood and explicit images...you probably won't be able to put it up at work.

Credibility? I got me some now!

So I'm working on video projects now. Last night I shot a terrible, disgusting, semi-nude stand up set in a window at Balance Hair Salon. It's going to look really bad, but I'm going to pretend that I did it on purpose.

I didn't make it to shoot Groove on Grove because I got a hair cut after my set. Carla gave me a really good haircut. I don't look like I live in the woods anymore.

I'm going to try to shoot half of the new calendar tonight. At least a third. I'm about to go shopping on Newark Avenue for props. Still no big fake black lady's vagina, though :(

I'm going to interview Steve Fulop next week in the Caucus Room. I'm going to start interviewing local government. I think it's going to be my new thing.

I'll be shooting at the Pride Festival for the Jersey City series. I'll probably get backstage (if there is one) and interview not-famous gay people. It'll be fun!

Underwear Salon Stand Up

So tomorrow I'm going to do stand up in my underwear in the window of Balance Hair Salon for a reality show. We're supposed to shoot from 5 to 7. You are welcome to stop by, but I would advise doing acid first.

I'm also going to shoot it for a video project. It'll either be by itself or part of a video travel guide for Jersey City that I'm making. It'll be like an angry Samantha Brown Passports show.

Guido Fest '08

After a day of clipping butt dreads from my clawing, snarling, biting rabbit, Butterscotch, I am going to guido it up tonight at the feast around the corner.

For those of you who don't know, I'm half Guido and half Polak (or the typical Jersey City mutt, as my old boss used to say). But I usually only tell people that I'm Polish so that I can get out of doing handy house work, except for cleaning, of course. That joke's for racists.

My boyfriend threw Butterscotch the bunny out when he moved in. He and Butterscotch didn't get along. Butterscotch would pee and poo all over my boyfriend's stuff. In return, Rustin would fart on him.

Luckily, Grandma (the Polish one) needed a companion, so we gave her the rabbit. At first, Grandma wanted to eat him, but I told her no. So Grandma now has a cute little bunny (who's a little destructive and mean) for a pet. However, grandma has poor eyesight and is very stubborn. So when I tell her to feed him hay and rabbit pellets, she refuses and gives him two shoe-boxes full of treats. He has diarrhea often, but he probably deserves it anyway.

Also, since she is blind, or schlecka (which doesn't stop her from trying to paint my apartment, to my frustration) as she says, he was very dirty. I spent about an hour brushing him and clipping dreads off. I was going to clip his nails too, but Rustin threw the critter clippers out out of spite. Grandma gave me 3 pairs of human nail clippers from the dollar store. I told her they were for humans, not rabbits.

Also, the rabbit got fleas somehow. I didn't tell Grandma out of fear of what old world style solution she would give him. Rabbits need special flea remedies so they don't get poisoned. I'll buy some this week and sneak it to him.

From now on, I'll have to take Butterscotch once a week for proper grooming and inspection. Rustin is very upset about this.

Anyway, I'm going to Guido Fest tonight. The Italian feast around the corner is up. On the first day, there were 50 chubby guido youths with Gotti hair and wife beaters hanging out on stoops on my block and the next, shouting at any female human that walked by. Tonight there's some old man band playing Italian standards and you can drink in the streets while eating Italian pastries. But mostly, I'm going for the guidos. I might bring ear plugs. They scream a lot.

BabyHole Award Poll!

So...here's the BabyHole Award Poll!

BabyHole Awards are to honor the people who sign up for the open mic and make BabyHole such a great place to be. Featured bands and comedians will also be honored.

The polls close on midnight, Sunday, September 14th. The Award Show will be on Tuesday, September 16th at The Lamp Post in Jersey City.

So be a dear and vote, okay? Just click on the link below. (I know it's not the most sophisticated poll. Maybe next year I'll grow up.)

BABYHOLE AWARD POLLS!

There are other categories up for grabs, but you can't vote for them because I could easily quantify them in my head and they already have winners. They include Most Latino, Most Racist, Musical Pixie and Best Attendance. I am open to more suggestions, as long as I can do the math in my head.

FAQ:
How did people get nominated? Firstly, they signed up for the open mic. Secondly, someone nominated them. Thirdly, I edited the list to people who I thought were the Babyiest-Holiest (not really only 2 people nominated legitimate people).
QED

Love, hatred, MelissaSurach.com, BabyHole Awards, and Dirty Dog's been eating my hair again

Do you hate me or do you love me? Now you can vote and let me know how you feel. Just hate and love. There's no in between.

I've been researching poll applications for the BabyHole Awards. Sorry, there are no winners yet--winning polls, that is. They all suck. (However, I DO know who some of the winners of BabyHole Awards are.) I'll put the poll up on melissasurach.com I guess, or maybe BabyHole's myspace page if it'll work.

You may have realized that there is no melissasurach.com. Well, I'll fix that soon enough. I've spent the past few days working on my website. So far it looks like total shit. I should probably just hire a teenager to do it for me. Hopefully I'll at least have a homepage up and running by next week.

I have a lot of stuff to do this month. So my writing will be erratic and terrible. I have some live shows, but I don't have new material because I've been too busy working on non-stand up stuff and being drunk and lazy.

I have to finish my website, complete with writing samples. Figure out how to put a decent poll online. Find a new job next week. Organize and shoot the 2009 calendar. Book BabyHole's bands and comedians. Design new BabyHole fliers and send to the printer. Flier the town. Do stupid internet stuff and press queries for BabyHole. Make awards and put the Award Show together (I have big plans for them including choreography and Britney Spears. I hope I have time to work on it).

Things I will try to get to: Get my music stuff on the new computer and compose new songs. Edit the Melissa Introduction video. Oh, and dealing with that pile of arts and crafts in the middle of the living room that my boyfriend and I have been fighting about all week.

How do you get a dog to stop eating hair? It's not like I feed it to him. He just finds it and eats it. Then his poo is like sausage links and he's been wiping his butt across the floor, but surreptitiously like I can't see him wiggling his butt every so slightly.

A day of vomit and tampons

Today, I watched Animal Planet for about 6 hours until my hungover wore off around 2 in the afternoon. I let Dirty Dog on the bed, (which my boyfriend doesn't allow me to do but I do it all the time when he's not here) and Dirty betrayed me by puking up a maraschino cherry (he came to the bar with me last night), parsley, and some grit.

(At the bar last night, we made him doggy cocktails with water, grenadine and cherries, propped him up on a stool, and took pictures of him lapping out of the rocks glass. But that is neither here nor there. I don't have the pictures.)

So my boyfriend found out that Dirty got on the bed because I complained to him about there being puke on the bed. He got angry, so I decided to do some errands that he'd asked me to do months ago. I finished one: sweeping.

I set out to deposit the check I made from selling old clothes. I ran into ReOdorant Joe, who just found a kitten, and we went to his house to meet it. It was the smallest, friendliest kitten I've ever seen, and it was all black. I've wanted to foster kittens and puppies from the shelter so that I can always have a kitten or puppy in my house, but my boyfriend won't let me because he says I won't clean up it's doo doo. He's probably right.

The kitten, Max, hissed at Dirty. Even though it was 4 inches long, Dirty was afraid of it, and kept posturing submissively to it and keeping away. While we were there, Dirty puked twice on Joe's rug, but it was only foam.

When we left, on our way to the bank, I figured out why Dirty was puking so much today. He pooped out a tampon.

After we went to the bank, I bought some condoms and lottery tickets. I got a bag of candy that I ate on the way home.

I didn't get around to working on my website today physically, but I did think about it a little. Tonight we're going out to take advantage of restaurant week. I'm going to wear a dress and change the sheets so that I don't get beaten. I think we're going to Skinner's Loft.

Deja vu! I'm unemployed again!

I quit my job last week. I didn't show up to work and sent them a letter of resignation. I know it was a little irresponsible, but I'd just made $3 on the day before. It was so slow they didn't need me, and I certainly didn't want to work for $0.30 an hour anymore. I still have to pick up my two last checks, and my nut job of an ex-employer wants me to cash them in the register otherwise they will bounce.

There were also a lot of gross problems, including mold, garbage, wasps, rodents, pink eye and sometimes fruit flies would get into my mouth while I worked because there was an infestation. Even I have my standards!

I'm looking for a job again. So far, I've just been asking my friends to hire me. You are probably thinking, "Melissa, you don't have any friends!" and you would be right, because none of them have hired me yet.

So I'm going to submit resumes to temp agencies tomorrow. I've already been rejected by one, which puzzled me and made me feel bad about myself, because they accept everyone. Maybe I'm not as great as I think. Maybe I'm so disorganized that I didn't send them a resume, I sent them a poem instead.

If you are my friend, please hire me. If you want me to work in your restaurant, I would prefer daytime shifts where I can make lots of money. Or you can hire me for a real girl job too. I'm good at typing.

I'm working on my website today. Twenty-first century, here I come!

BabyHole Fall Schedule Poster

I told you there was a reason that I horde baby figurines! It's not just to play house, I need them for work!

BabyHole Awards! Nominate someone!

The BabyHole Awards will take place on Tuesday, September 16th.


BABYHOLE AWARD CATEGORIES

Bright Lights Big City Award (Most Likely to Succeed)
Best Attendance Award
Creepiest Stand Up Award
Most Racist Award
Musical Pixie Award
Busy BabyHole Bee Award
Ms. and Mr. BabyHole Award

If you have any suggestions for award categories, you may make them.


BABYHOLE POTENTIAL NOMINEES

Wanna nominate someone for a BabyHole Award? If you don't, The BabyHole Council will do it for you.*

All of these superstars are fair game to be nominated. The reason that they are fair game is because they've signed up for the open mic in the past year and haven't told me that they don't want an award.

Who doesn't want to be a winner? A loser, that's who.

If I've missed anyone, please let me know. I made up this list based on my memory. If you want to be taken off this list, let me know. I don't care if you want to be a loser.


Brian (I don't remember his last name. He has blonde hair and works in finance)
Ken (Ralph's room mate. I forgot his last name)
Rojo
Erin Burke
Emily Faith
Tera Feigan
David W. Jacobson
Matt Jenkins
Matt Kelly
Pat Lamb
Jim Legge
Max Michaels
Sean O'Conner
Sean Patton
Saint Patrick
Sean Perlman
Scott Ragowsky
Ralph Santiago
Hugh Eric Shin
Verity Smith
Ryan Stevens
Sick Vic
Timmy Williams
Andrew Wright


*The BabyHole Council is me.

Hey you were nominated! Congratulations!

Hey all you special people,

BabyHole is going to have an award show to honor all the great people who sign up for the open mic and make it such a fun place to be.

I just wanted to let you know that if you signed up for the BabyHole Open Mic this year, you are fair game for being nominated for an award. If you are scared or full of hatred and don't want to be nominated, please let me know. I'll be putting the full list up on BabyHole's myspace page at the end of the week.

If you are or ever have been a BabyHole audience member, please email or message me with your suggestions for people you think are winners. Otherwise, the BabyHole Council* will be determining the nominees.

Categories so far:

Bright Lights Big City Award
This is a clever way of saying "most likely to succeed."

Best Attendance Award
Some people never miss signing up for BabyHole, and they deserve prizes for their courage and strong hearts.

Best Abandoners Award
Sometimes people sign up once or twice and never come back. This award goes to the funniest people who abandoned/hate BabyHole.

Creepiest Stand Up Award
Sometimes jokes are scary. Sometimes they give people nightmares. Sometimes they kill people.

Musical Pixie Award
This award is for all the musical comedians who sign up. All two of them.

Busy BabyHole Bee Award
This award is for BabyHole open mikers who go above and beyond their BabyHole duties for free or a beer.

Ms. BabyHole Award
This one's for the ladies. There's three of them in this sausagefest.

Most Racist Award
Who can pack the most ethnic jokes into one little tiny set?


So that's it. Thanks everyone! Thanks BabyHole! I might make more categories later, if you have any suggestions.


Melissa

*The BabyHole Council is me.

What's up with all the Middle Easterners? Are they in love with me or something?

I noticed that I've been getting a lot of direct hits on my blog from the Mid East. What's up with that?

One time when I was in college in Montreal, a van with blacked out windows pulled up next to me and the guys inside, who I'm pretty sure were Middle Eastern, demanded that I get in. I didn't understand that they wanted to kidnap me at first because it was 3 in the afternoon. Seeing my hesitation, the one in the passenger seat started screaming, "No! No! She's too serious. Let's go! Go!" He screamed like he was having a heart attack. I told them to keep driving. There was another white girl down the street, and they slowed down approaching her. Maybe they weren't just looking for white girls, but that's the vibe I got. Anyway, I went on my way.

I wonder if those guys are the ones hitting my blog? Oh, inept kidnappers, have you found me?

Things to Cut the Nuts off of During the 2008 Presidential Election

Here's some more rejected writing for my fans to read. The problem was that by the time the editor got around to this, and the time it would've been published, no one would care.


Things to Cut the Nuts Off of During the 2008 Presidential Election


Teenagers in cars.
Who do they think they are?

Nut Allergies.
Millions of prissy kids are mildly annoyed by this stupid affliction every year and then we all have to read about it on our snack labels.

Squirrels.
They just bury them and forget them, like a typical American politician with his scandals. Oh, guileless squirrel, what won't we learn from you? I suppose guilelessness, but not burying and forgetting our nuts, until we cut them off.

Stray cats.
A single stray cat will have over 3,200 kittens we don't cut its nuts off. If we're not going to cut its nuts off, we should at least send those kittens to fight in Iraq, or make them dig for oil or at least stop stinking up my Mexican border fence with its nuts!

Civil Rights.
Stop marching, you crazy nuts! I need to drive my SUV over slaves!

Nuts and bolts.
This sexist hardware only lets terrorists win, and they are winning the war on nuts.

Rapists.
Am I right, ladies? Too bad you'll never be president.

The 8 in the 2008 US Elections.
It looks like a peanut. If we went back in time 1,808 years, it would be so much easier to cut the nuts off of our clan leaders in our caves, if nuts were even invented yet.

Testicles.
They started this whole mess with their nut sacks.

MoveOn.org: Rally for an Oil-Free President

This is a video Le Arsenal, otherwise known as Colin Comstock, BabyHole's videographer, produced for MoveOn.org. It's about a protest at the mouth of the Holland Tunnel in Jersey City against John McCain and oil lobbyists.



But I think that the best thing about that protest was the moronic comments I found on JC List about it. I blame the lead in the water. Stupid JC List McCain Protest Comments.

Looking for a new venue for BabyHole

Yeah. Did I say that before? I'm looking for a new venue for BabyHole. Our season opening is supposed to be September 2nd, but I'd like to do a BabyHole Showcase for JC Friday on that Friday.

What am I looking for in a venue? One that will provide the sound equipment and booze and doesn't mind rock bands. Must be very close the the PATH train. People from New York are very cranky and get lost easily.

What will I do for you? I will book and host the show, promote and set up the space.

Why should your establishment have BabyHole? Because we packed Toy Eaters on a regular basis with thirsty audience and it is an asset to the community and the arts. It just may be the best comedy open mic in the New York area.

Why is BabyHole homeless? Because our last venue dissolved.

Email me at melissa.surach@gmail.com please.

Putting my education to refuse

My parents will finally eat their words that my "education" was a "waste of money" because I will soon be posting videos on the internet.

I've finally gotten my video editing stuff and started recording my keyboard stuff. Boy, those piano lessons will pay off. And so will that Tisch film thing I have...and maybe even the Canadian math degree? No, that's probably still useless.

Anyway, videos are coming...Serious this time guys. Serious.

But in the meantime, I will be tutoring ESL. Call me!

My boyfriend has the biggest wiener

My boyfriend has the biggest wiener costume! He's the one on the left.

Hard Times on Hot Sauce Avenue

This is for all of you who RSVP'd to my taping on Friday. If not, you can go fuck yourself.

Thank you all for RSVPing to my fancy multi-media one-woman show video-taping for special people this Friday.

It makes my heart heavy and eyes watery to tell you that the show has been CANCELED due to technical difficulties. Well, the show has not really been canceled, merely delayed, and I will keep your RSVP for the future. The show will most likely premier in the Fall, and you will be the first to know.

What exactly was the technical difficulty? Well, it had to do with the crappiest computer in the world. My computer hates technology and ambitions. I ordered a new one, but there were shipping problems, and it's not going to get here for a while. Without multi-media, there is no show. Please don't be upset. Perhaps you can complain to NJSCA for having such a tight deadline.

Once again, thank you for RSVPing. I appreciate your support. And since you are all special people in my address book, I will email you video previews for Fall's show, and keep you on the guest list for then.

I wish you all good times on Hot Sauce Avenue.

Thanks!
Melissa

Should I quit my job, or should I just quit my life?

I just got offered the role of Ethel in Moon Over Buffalo. It's a fun role, and I like the play. I get to play a deaf emasculating grandma who's full of hatred. Unfortunately, I just changed my work schedule to weeknights, so I won't be able to make rehearsal. I'm seriously thinking about quitting my job to do free acting. Then again, I told my boss off on Saturday night, so I might not have a job to quit anyway.

Why, oh why, can't I be a rich girl?

Oh, that's right. I'm lazy.

Please gnaw my foot off

I'm about to gnaw my own foot off to get out of work this Friday, July 4th. Fun that I'll be missing out on:

-My intern/sister is coming back from France.
-My boyfriend/roommate is going to be a fighting hot dog mascot at the hot dog eating contest at Coney Island.
-Fire works and barbecues.

I hate working.

Poor BabyHole

Apparently, everyone from Toy Eaters has abandoned the space, skipped town, and then it was ransacked by local scumbags, who took everything they could find, including the artwork on the walls and piping.

So BabyHole has no home for the fall. I'll start looking for venues, but this town is the pits.

Someone besides my parents thinks that I'm a disappointment

I waited out to hear from other literary agents before I signed the contract I was offered. I got my final rejection yesterday from an agent who sells humor. She said that the chapter I sent her was a disappointment. She probably wants me to go to teachers college, like my parents keep nagging me to do.

I guess I'll let that one agency that likes me know that I'll be signing on.

I just don't want to wait tables anymore.

Your chore list.

I'm grounded until the third week of July. Then I'm going to the beach. These are your chores in the meantime:

1. RSVP to Melissa Hot Sauce Debut on July 11th at 58.

2. Book me after July.

3. Look forward to my 2009 calendar, perhaps even pre-order one.

4. Be my intern.

5. Give me a ride to the beach.

Thanks!

Sometimes my blogs are really obnoxious.

About that grant I want...

So I went to the grant writing workshop last night, and I was told that no one has won an interdisciplinary performance fellowship in 6 years. Part of this must come from the confusion about what exactly interdisciplinary performance is, partly because there weren't enough applicants in past years so all applications have rolled over, and partly because NJ artists are out of their minds (in a bland way), but regardless, I must change the format of the Melissa Hot Sauce show on the 11th.

Think of the show on the 11th as a sneak peek at Melissa Hot Sauce, and you will be one of those privileged few witnesses, and also, you get to be a part of the video taping! Plus, I'm giving everyone shots of my home-made infused vodka at the start of the show. I swear it's not poison.

Originally, I was going to run the entire 35 minutes of the multi-media one woman show, but instead I'll just be focusing on the parts of the show where I interact with media. There will still be a video intro, dancing and singing, and Kerri Pussy Knife, but I'm doing this show for the sake of the fellowship application, so there might be some retakes and stuff, so the video looks really good when I send it in.

I'll have a full run of Melissa Hot Sauce in the fall or winter. I might wait until I get the results of the awards so that I can put more money into it and make it really spectacular. Unfortunately, that won't be until January.

Wish me luck.

Dog vomit and other rejections

There's dried dog vomit all around my computer desk. This is how I work. Dirty is a puker, and he likes to puke around my desk. Maybe that's just how he feels about my writing.

In other vomit, I answered a call for art for a new show at LITM. I was going to hang my big mounted poster that Doug took, but apparently, it's too angry for a restaurant, and LITM hates panties or something.

I might send smaller images, but pretty much I'm in panties in every picture that I have of myself.

Tonight I'm going to a grant writing workshop for my fellowship application. Maybe they'll sophisticate me yet! Give me pants, NJ! I took off of my goddamn job for this.

What else? Oh, I got my a new schedule at my job, which means I'll be making more money, but I'll won't be able to go out at night. Not like it matters. I've grounded myself until Melissa Hot Sauce is done. Except that I'm going to see Art House's Sea Story this weekend.

Dirty and Rustin aren't on speaking terms.

My boyfriend and my dog are not on speaking terms with each other at the moment.

It all started yesterday while I was at work. Rustin went to do the laundry, and Dirty got into the garbage again. So Rustin banished Dirty to the bathroom while he went to get the clothes. While Dirty was in the bathroom, he ate a bunch of moisturizing lotion and a box of tampons. Now his head is all greasy, and Rustin is very angry.

Dirty is such a dirty dog.

Thanks, BabyHole, you're the bestest!

Thanks to everyone for coming to BabyHole's season finale on Tuesday. God certainly did not want us there, and he sent a major heat wave followed by a thunderstorm with hail and mini tornadoes. Typical omnipotent man.

Toy Eaters had two air conditioners, two industrial fans, and two window fans, but it was still about 90 degrees inside, much cooler than I thought it would be. I tried to salvage the crowd with a last minute scheme of making it a bathing suit party, but no one wore a bathing suit but me. I was going to bring a kiddie pool, but I feared that people would just get electrocuted by it or the floor would cave in.

Regardless, I was such a lucky girl, because two of my favorite bands, The House of Leaves and The Meltdowns, and one of my favorite comedy people, Diane O'Debra, were there to help us party. All of the open mikers that night gave their best performances of the season. If it weren't for them, I wouldn't have a show, and I hope that next season I can continue to provide them with one of the best open mic audiences in the metropolitan area.

Afterwards, I stopped by The Lamp Post and Lucky 7, where people bought me drinks and gave me accolades. I woke up the next day with a wicked PBR and cheap vodka hangover, and wasn't functional until the mid afternoon. But it was worth it.

My next project is Melissa Hot Sauce, my multi-media one-woman show next month. It's invitation only, so if you want to be invited, you have to email me. I got the idea for the title when I was eating a falafel with extra hot sauce. I love hot sauce.

We already started shooting the video. Next week we're recording the music. Kayt Hester Lent is doing the set. Kerri Pussy Knife will make an appearance, too. It's for my NJSCA Fellowship application. I really hope I get it. I don't want to work for drunk people anymore.

Then, after that's over on July 15th, I'll start working on the 2009 calendar. This year it'll be done by November, I swear!

Literary Agency

So a literary agency wants to represent my manuscript. Weird. I was expecting rejection.

If you are on JC List, please do not talk to me.

This is the third post about my crappy job, but I just want to make it clear that I think that JC List is for losers, and if you come to my job and introduce yourself to me as Some Stupid Name from JC List, I won't care.

People spend too much time on that nonsense. And besides, JC List banned me.

BabyHole Summertime Hiatus Blow Out

It's the last BabyHole of the season!

Say goodbye to me this Tuesday. I get very cranky in the summer time, and I'll be hiding so that no one can see my peeling, orange skin, greasy face, and hoof-like feet. *

"BabyHole Summertime Hiatus Blow Out"
Tuesday, June 10th, doors @ 8 pm, $5 suggested donation

This is the last show until September and it's gonna be HOT! So dress skimpily. No seriously, there's like no air in there. There's more rock and roll than comedy tonight because we want to party hard. But there's still 6 slots of open mic by lottery.

Featuring:
Diane O'Debra
The Meltdowns
The House of Leaves

Toy Eaters Studio
2nd Floor
143 Christopher Columbus Drive
Jersey City, NJ

One block from the Grove Street PATH Station. BYO OK.


*Unless I get my one-woman multi-media show together in the next month. Then I won't shut up about it. I'm still scrambling to confirm dates.

Why do I have to smile?

I've worked as a waitress and bartender for a few years now, and it always angers me when customers demand that I smile at them. Why do they care if I'm smiling as long as I give them their food and booze on time? What's so wrong with a snarl here or there?

I hate it even more when my waiter or bartender gives me a fake smile. It makes me feel like they hate me and are about to spit in my food.

A day at work with my drunk bosses.

When I went in to open the restaurant on Sunday morning for brunch, I saw both of my bosses crusty eyed, disheveled and hungover, still slurring their words.

Usually, I only see one of them like that, but as I learned from the chef, they'd both passed out on the bar the night before, and spent the night. When the porter came in that morning, he cleaned around them. I found out that finding them in the morning, either still drinking, or just waking up hungover, is a normal occurrence.

As soon as I set up the bar, they started making themselves double mimosas with vodka in them, and sat outside. They proceeded to talk about how great they were for the next 9 hours. They spoke very loudly on the patio and chain smoked. I prayed that they wouldn't talk to my customers, but they did anyway.

One of them went on for almost a half an hour to a table on a date about how we brew our own iced tea. I've never worked at a restaurant that didn't brew its own iced tea, and it's only Lipton, but she seems to think very highly of this, and wouldn't shut up. "Bark! Bark! Grumble! Bark!" is what she sounds like when she talks.

They drank up all the champagne and juice that I'd stocked for brunch within an hour or two of opening. I refused to restock it for them, so they had to do it themselves. I think we got through almost an entire case of champagne that day. I hope they left some for the paying customers.

When I was behind the bar, making drinks for customers, and the owner wanted one, he would come behind the bar, make me stop what I was doing, and sloppily make his own drinks, spending three times as long as he should, while his paying customers got bad service.

When the boss that was supposed to be managing fell asleep on the patio in front of the customers, I was glad that the night manager had come in early, and told him about it. We both tried our hardest to call cabs for them and get them home, but they thwarted every attempt and continued to sabotage their own business for the next 4 hours or so.

I thought he'd stopped drinking because we'd run out of champagne. But after the foam that I'd poured from the taps into the pitchers went missing, and I saw a glass of a strangely colored and textured brew, I knew that he'd stolen the garbage beer.

They finally left around 7 pm. Throughout the entire 9 hours, calling themselves workaholics because they'd just spent 24 hours straight in the bar, which they own, "managing," they never ordered any food. Just liquid breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

Solicitation

So, I fliered my neighborhood today with the JC Friday fliers I got last night. I even put some at the bank, because I thought it would be funny, and I need a richer audience.

The Melissa race is ON!

I'm going to apply for a fellowship from the NJ State Council on the Arts this year. Do you know what this means? It means I need to get my multi-media one-woman show together in less than a month in order to qualify. Have I started working on it? No. I came up with this scheme yesterday. Now I have 6 weeks to show.

Will I succeed or fail miserably?

If it ever strikes your fancy to pickle your own vegetables, don't.

I have a five pound bag of carrots. I've made carrot pudding, spicy carrot soup, used it in salads and dinners, and I've even tried to pickle them.

DO NOT EVER TRY TO PICKLE YOUR OWN VEGETABLES AT HOME. They taste disgusting. Patooey!

I got the original recipe from a vegan website. I think that vegans don't know any better because they don't know how to eat food.

I also threw in some tomatoes and celery in because they were starting to rot. Maybe I am just a terrible pickler.

I still have two pounds left. I guess I will barbecue carrots tonight.

The next time you see me, you'll sneer, "Hi, orange Melissa. Nice carrots."

Death by chocolate: fantasy come true, or just death?

So Dirty Dog OD'd on chocolate brownies Monday night while we were sleeping. I rushed him to the vet when he walked in zig zags and bumped into things. This is his update:

-He is still a little disoriented when he runs. Try to chase him! You will win this time.

-He is pooing charcoal. Barbecue, anyone?

-I tried to give him his meds. After 45 minutes, most of it was on the ceiling and in my hair. I tried some Dog Whisperer tricks, but I don't think they work unless you're Satan. By the way, I think that Cesar Milan is Satan.

-I have no money at all. I spent everything and my tax refunds ($6) on his chocolate poisoning.

-I am jealous of his chocolate poisoning.

I wish that I could OD on brownies, but that's just for the dogs!

Bloggin' on JC List

There's some sad, lonely people in this town.

I heard there was a lot of activity on JC List about the bar I work in.

I read the thread, and people get so passionate about it, it makes me want to buy them TV's or something. One person that I served immediately wrote 6 paragraphs of blog about his dining experience as soon as he got home.

I hope that when I grow up, I don't spend all my time blogging.

Draft of "A Glamorous Night of Hilarity" flier

This is the draft of "A Glamorous Night of Hilarity's" flier. I made it with my hand. I think it suits a grass roots Art Festival, which is what JC Friday, and all Jersey City shows, is (or are? My grammar is deteriorating. Someone give me a proofing job now!). Brooke Van Poppelen and I are producing this new show of cool, tattooed hilarious chicks. We're trying it out on JC Friday. Leibya Rogers is hosting.

Congratulations, BabyHole!

Thanks to everyone who came out to BabyHole Vs. Poetic Voices Superiority Contest. It was a really great show, nothing like the abortion that we were worried about. For once we can say that people would rather go to BH VS PV than chug semen from a wine skin.

And the winner of the BabyHole Vs. Poetic Voices Superiority Contest is...

BABYHOLE!
BABYHOLE!
BABYHOLE!

It was a narrow victory, but BabyHole won with 199 points, while Poetic Voices gained 191.5 points. Go, BabyHole, go!

Highlights of the night include:

My outfit. I wore wrestling shoes, tube socks, bright blue little sports shorts, a red wife beater that said, "Poetry is for homeless people," American Flag sweatbands, and had black football grease paint under my eyes. I raced on stage with a stroller full of baby dolls and did an aerobic routine while shouting "BabyHole! I'm working out my BabyHole!"

The Roland Ramos Band opening the show with psychedelic reggae rock.

After the first three poets did poems about not getting laid, Judge Rustin commented, "If the next poetry contestant does a poem about not getting laid, I'm going to give them all 10 points." (Also, an audience member commented to me, "There's some sad lonely guys in this town.")

Max Michael's angst ridden song, "I think I have AIDS I came on your dad," while wearing a white-beater that said, "Poetry gave me AIDS."

When one of the poet's poems was about how a girl dumped him for a guy who used her and abused her, Judge Cooter and Judge Jesse high-fived each other and said, "We totally did that!"

Some surprises about the show: The crowd was mostly a poetry crowd. The BabyHole crowd always shows up an hour late because they are fashionable slackers. That meant the poetry got the seats, and if you've ever seen a poetry crowd, you'd know that they were weirdos, and on top of that, they didn't donate any money for the show, so even though it was packed, everyone lost money.

Oh well, next time.

Update on baby starling

So, it turns out that I didn't "find" the poor baby bird so much as "stole" it from it's parents.

It was fully feathered, but couldn't fly. According to internet, I should've just put it in a bush while it learned to fly from a day on the ground.

After I made it a nest, I tried to feed it strawberries to rehydrate it and give it energy. It enjoyed them, but when it dropped one, I tried to pick it up, and the baby got scared, tried to escape and shat on the floor. "You need to go to the park now!" I shouted.

I took it to the bushes by the gazebo in Hamilton Park, where the bums pee. It smelled disgusting, but I thought that it was the safest place for the baby.

I went by the next day to see how it was doing. On my way in, I saw a baby starling that resembled it (dirty and unkempt with mites) following two adult birds. It looked at me, reluctant to follow its parents, and I knew then that I had ruined another life, but at least I'd tried to save it.

So I think that it found it's parents and learned to fly. At least, I didn't find a corpse.

WE ARE ALL BABY STARLINGS!

I am Captain Crazy

On my way to do my chores, I found a baby bird, corralled it into a box and brought it home. I made a nest, and now I have to feed the bird corn syrup water every 20 minutes. Apparently, to check it's body temperature, I have to press it's wings to my lips. I can't wait!

I did not do any chores today.

It's a starling. It should be strong enough to fly away in a few days.

My boyfriend is going to be so angry when he gets home and sees it in the bed!

Temp Agencies, Here I Come! Watch Out!

The place I've been working in is going down the drain. Or, rather, the mouth hole, because they drink their bad business skills away. Seriously, when they feel bad about the place or their management skills, instead of acting pro actively or helping the staff in trouble, they drink to forget and/or party despite.

I bartend at a place that used to be super busy. But lately it's a mess. With each and every shift, I make about $20 less than I did the shift before. I almost walked out today, because I walked into such a mess. "I don't have to work like this," I thought to myself as I waited on dirty tables that were complaining about dirty table and bad service that weren't my responsibility. And I am all for taking on the restaurant's responsibilities, as long as the restaurant supports me, and I make a living wage. But it is out of controls!

My old motto was, "I hope I can stick through it long enough until the place goes out of business so I can get unemployment benefits." But I don't think this place will last that long. Poor me. Poor Melissa.

BH VS PV JUDGE'S FORM

This is the preface of the Judge's form for next week's competition.

JUDGE’S FORM
BabyHole Vs Poetic Voices Superiority Contest
Wednesday, May 21st

Thank you for being a judge at our Superiority Contest. You made it, winner! By being our judge, we acknowledge that you are better than the rest of us.

Please judge the contestants on a scale of 0-10 based on the following criteria: performance/entertainment quality, content/creativity, and pussiness (pussiness score will be subtracted).

Just kidding. Pussiness will not be a judging category, though it should be.

(Not necessarily fun) Family Activities for Mother's Day

I usually don't publish my essays on the blog because I want to get paid or critically acclaimed for them (HA!), but this one was rejected last week and I'm not going to get another chance for a year, so here's my Mother's Day essay.



(Not Necessarily Fun) Family Activities for Mother's Day

-Babyball is a good way to introduce your baby to sports. Perfect for building little muscles, your baby will learn coordination and discipline when you pitch it and it makes a home run. Go Baby, go!

-Babies love bright colors, sparkles, and the smell of ethyl acetate. Enjoy the pampering (no, not THAT kind) as Baby gives you a full manicure, including a hand massage and acrylic tips.

-"Who's a big boy?" or "Who's a big girl?" is what you'll be shouting as you adorn your baby with feathers and wear it as a fashionable hat.

-Family bonding is important and fun. The entire family will enjoy using the baby to adorn the Mother's Day Tree that you've forced it to cut down in the Pine Barrens, where the Jersey Devil lives. Alternatively, light Baby on the Mother's Day Menorah.

-No one loves vodka more than babies. Have Baby make YOU a White Russian for a change!

-Throw up on Baby. See how much it likes it! Maybe it'll learn a lesson.

-Finally, sometimes Mommy just wants to sit in a nest. Have baby build one for you. Start off by sending Baby to rummage for twigs and strings, then glue with things that have come out of Baby.

-A relaxing afternoon nest nap is the perfect activity to end the exciting day you and your family have celebrated together. If only every day was Mother's Day! Then maybe Baby wouldn't act like such a jerk all the time.

Fliers for the Superiority Contest

I am going to print fliers for the BabyHole Vs. Poetic Voices Superiority Contest, but with the way the poets are running their mouths off to anyone who will listen, I don't know if it'll be necessary. What a bunch of babies. And cheaters, too.

JC Friday

This is the link for JC Friday.

www.jcfridays.com

I wish my mom would stop googling me

Dear mom,

I know that you are googling me. Will this turn into a 2-hour-long life micromanagement session on Sunday, which is Mother's Day? Good. That's what I want.

Love,
Melissa

PS Please don't nag me about my blog.

All Points West Festival

As you know, Liberty State Park will be hosting the All Points West Festival this summer. And though I really like Metric, I would rather spend $300 on a boat than on tickets to the park down the street from my house.

Next BabyHole Flier

I have a lot of stuff to do today, including finding a job, so I put a lazy gradient on the new flier. Nonetheless, the next BabyHole show is going to be awesome.

Eric Andre
Rebecca Ciletti
Jared Whitham

Click on their links to find out their magic.

Woman of many skills seeks employment

The kitchen staff has walked out of the bar I've been working at. Therefore, I don't think that there will be any work for my next shift.

I'm looking for easy, well-paying bartending jobs, but I'm also going to hit up temp agencies and friends who work in advertising. You know who you are.

I have many skills. Typing is one of them.

Update on the poet mess

Yesterday I got an email from Poetic Voices saying that they heard doing the BabyHole Vs. Poetic Voices was basically walking into a fist fight and they were concerned that people were going to beat them up.

First of all, they acted like such jerks before that people did want to beat them up. I told them that. But I was also getting a little stressed out about everything going on in the show. Then I found out, that whoever said that to them said it as a joke. Also, I think they confuse metaphors with reality.

Like my boyfriend said, if you dip your finger into the faggy batter, you get it all over your hand. And that's what happened to me yesterday.

I know this is like, the biggest show they've ever done, and that they've been talking about it nonstop for months and practicing in their mirrors and having workshops for it. I got mixed up in their stupid baby world and it's not going to happen again. I let myself down by giving credence to their immaturity and stupidity.

I'm sorry Melissa. It won't happen again. And if I have to deal with anymore of this mess, this will be the last show I do with them. Duh.

When I talk about the poets being jerks, I DO NOT INCLUDE Saint Patrick. He's featured at my shows like, 10 times, he's lots of fun to hang out with, and he's one of the best story tellers I know. He's actually our only real competition at the show.

On a happier note, who would like to see BabyHole at Grace Van Vorst Church over the summer doing fund raisers instead of going on hiatus?

I didn't realize how dumpy British people were.

I mean, I knew that they weren't the most attractive people on earth, and had a reputation for bad teeth, but I didn't realize how dumpy they were until we got cable and I watched 12 hours of BBC straight.

Did you know that 90% of British people are obese? I don't know if that statistic is true, but that is my guess based on what I saw on British reality shows.

In the general category of Pussiness...

I've met with Poetic Voices to discuss the details of the upcoming slaughter in BabyHole vs. Poetic Voices, and they are very frightened. In fact, they've already started cheating.

Originally, the competitors were supposed to get a topic a week in advance upon which to build a 5-minute set of both comedy and poetry. But apparently, the poets don't feel that a week is enough time, and three weeks isn't enough time either. They need a lifetime.

So we had to do away with the topics so that the poets wouldn't "Go outside their comfort zones." I think this is almost cheating. Now it's just going to be a five minute set of both comedy and poetry, and I know that they are already practicing in their mirrors.

I want one of the categories for the judges to score to be "Pussiness," but I don't think the poets will go for it.

The funny thing is, they are the reason for the show in the first place because I challenged them after they vandalized my fliers, came to my show and rioted, and spread rumors about me.

I've contacted the BabyHole team, and the general consensus is that they feel the poets are a bunch of "Punks" and "Baby Dicks."

Arts in Jersey City

I know there's a lack of proper venues for people to express themselves in this town, but I wish that people would stop pretending that their apartments are art galleries.

When I say this, I don't mean that people have art on their walls. I mean that people have art openings in their bedrooms. Seriously.

They flier for it and shit. Waste of wood.

BabyHole V Poetic Voices Superiority Contest Flier

How much?

I wonder how much marijuana it would take to enjoy the THIRD Harold and Kumar movie, "Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay."

Probably more than I can afford. But how much would it take to get through watching it a second time?

My guess is that the amount of marijuana it would take to enjoy "Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay" more than once would cost the same as the movie's budget.

Flier for BabyHole on April 29th

BabyHole


Featured comedians: Jamie Lee, Sean Patton
Featured band: The House of Leaves

The Sausagefest Contest is ON!

Doors and open mic sign up start @ 8 pm
Show starts at 9 pm SHARP!

Toy Eaters Studio
Suggested donation $5
BYO OK!
Tuesday, April 29th