Thursday, July 31, 2008

Deja vu! I'm unemployed again!

I quit my job last week. I didn't show up to work and sent them a letter of resignation. I know it was a little irresponsible, but I'd just made $3 on the day before. It was so slow they didn't need me, and I certainly didn't want to work for $0.30 an hour anymore. I still have to pick up my two last checks, and my nut job of an ex-employer wants me to cash them in the register otherwise they will bounce.

There were also a lot of gross problems, including mold, garbage, wasps, rodents, pink eye and sometimes fruit flies would get into my mouth while I worked because there was an infestation. Even I have my standards!

I'm looking for a job again. So far, I've just been asking my friends to hire me. You are probably thinking, "Melissa, you don't have any friends!" and you would be right, because none of them have hired me yet.

So I'm going to submit resumes to temp agencies tomorrow. I've already been rejected by one, which puzzled me and made me feel bad about myself, because they accept everyone. Maybe I'm not as great as I think. Maybe I'm so disorganized that I didn't send them a resume, I sent them a poem instead.

If you are my friend, please hire me. If you want me to work in your restaurant, I would prefer daytime shifts where I can make lots of money. Or you can hire me for a real girl job too. I'm good at typing.

I'm working on my website today. Twenty-first century, here I come!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

BabyHole Fall Schedule Poster

I told you there was a reason that I horde baby figurines! It's not just to play house, I need them for work!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

BabyHole Awards! Nominate someone!

The BabyHole Awards will take place on Tuesday, September 16th.


Bright Lights Big City Award (Most Likely to Succeed)
Best Attendance Award
Creepiest Stand Up Award
Most Racist Award
Musical Pixie Award
Busy BabyHole Bee Award
Ms. and Mr. BabyHole Award

If you have any suggestions for award categories, you may make them.


Wanna nominate someone for a BabyHole Award? If you don't, The BabyHole Council will do it for you.*

All of these superstars are fair game to be nominated. The reason that they are fair game is because they've signed up for the open mic in the past year and haven't told me that they don't want an award.

Who doesn't want to be a winner? A loser, that's who.

If I've missed anyone, please let me know. I made up this list based on my memory. If you want to be taken off this list, let me know. I don't care if you want to be a loser.

Brian (I don't remember his last name. He has blonde hair and works in finance)
Ken (Ralph's room mate. I forgot his last name)
Erin Burke
Emily Faith
Tera Feigan
David W. Jacobson
Matt Jenkins
Matt Kelly
Pat Lamb
Jim Legge
Max Michaels
Sean O'Conner
Sean Patton
Saint Patrick
Sean Perlman
Scott Ragowsky
Ralph Santiago
Hugh Eric Shin
Verity Smith
Ryan Stevens
Sick Vic
Timmy Williams
Andrew Wright

*The BabyHole Council is me.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Hey you were nominated! Congratulations!

Hey all you special people,

BabyHole is going to have an award show to honor all the great people who sign up for the open mic and make it such a fun place to be.

I just wanted to let you know that if you signed up for the BabyHole Open Mic this year, you are fair game for being nominated for an award. If you are scared or full of hatred and don't want to be nominated, please let me know. I'll be putting the full list up on BabyHole's myspace page at the end of the week.

If you are or ever have been a BabyHole audience member, please email or message me with your suggestions for people you think are winners. Otherwise, the BabyHole Council* will be determining the nominees.

Categories so far:

Bright Lights Big City Award
This is a clever way of saying "most likely to succeed."

Best Attendance Award
Some people never miss signing up for BabyHole, and they deserve prizes for their courage and strong hearts.

Best Abandoners Award
Sometimes people sign up once or twice and never come back. This award goes to the funniest people who abandoned/hate BabyHole.

Creepiest Stand Up Award
Sometimes jokes are scary. Sometimes they give people nightmares. Sometimes they kill people.

Musical Pixie Award
This award is for all the musical comedians who sign up. All two of them.

Busy BabyHole Bee Award
This award is for BabyHole open mikers who go above and beyond their BabyHole duties for free or a beer.

Ms. BabyHole Award
This one's for the ladies. There's three of them in this sausagefest.

Most Racist Award
Who can pack the most ethnic jokes into one little tiny set?

So that's it. Thanks everyone! Thanks BabyHole! I might make more categories later, if you have any suggestions.


*The BabyHole Council is me.

Friday, July 18, 2008

What's up with all the Middle Easterners? Are they in love with me or something?

I noticed that I've been getting a lot of direct hits on my blog from the Mid East. What's up with that?

One time when I was in college in Montreal, a van with blacked out windows pulled up next to me and the guys inside, who I'm pretty sure were Middle Eastern, demanded that I get in. I didn't understand that they wanted to kidnap me at first because it was 3 in the afternoon. Seeing my hesitation, the one in the passenger seat started screaming, "No! No! She's too serious. Let's go! Go!" He screamed like he was having a heart attack. I told them to keep driving. There was another white girl down the street, and they slowed down approaching her. Maybe they weren't just looking for white girls, but that's the vibe I got. Anyway, I went on my way.

I wonder if those guys are the ones hitting my blog? Oh, inept kidnappers, have you found me?

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Things to Cut the Nuts off of During the 2008 Presidential Election

Here's some more rejected writing for my fans to read. The problem was that by the time the editor got around to this, and the time it would've been published, no one would care.

Things to Cut the Nuts Off of During the 2008 Presidential Election

Teenagers in cars.
Who do they think they are?

Nut Allergies.
Millions of prissy kids are mildly annoyed by this stupid affliction every year and then we all have to read about it on our snack labels.

They just bury them and forget them, like a typical American politician with his scandals. Oh, guileless squirrel, what won't we learn from you? I suppose guilelessness, but not burying and forgetting our nuts, until we cut them off.

Stray cats.
A single stray cat will have over 3,200 kittens we don't cut its nuts off. If we're not going to cut its nuts off, we should at least send those kittens to fight in Iraq, or make them dig for oil or at least stop stinking up my Mexican border fence with its nuts!

Civil Rights.
Stop marching, you crazy nuts! I need to drive my SUV over slaves!

Nuts and bolts.
This sexist hardware only lets terrorists win, and they are winning the war on nuts.

Am I right, ladies? Too bad you'll never be president.

The 8 in the 2008 US Elections.
It looks like a peanut. If we went back in time 1,808 years, it would be so much easier to cut the nuts off of our clan leaders in our caves, if nuts were even invented yet.

They started this whole mess with their nut sacks.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008 Rally for an Oil-Free President

This is a video Le Arsenal, otherwise known as Colin Comstock, BabyHole's videographer, produced for It's about a protest at the mouth of the Holland Tunnel in Jersey City against John McCain and oil lobbyists.

But I think that the best thing about that protest was the moronic comments I found on JC List about it. I blame the lead in the water. Stupid JC List McCain Protest Comments.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Looking for a new venue for BabyHole

Yeah. Did I say that before? I'm looking for a new venue for BabyHole. Our season opening is supposed to be September 2nd, but I'd like to do a BabyHole Showcase for JC Friday on that Friday.

What am I looking for in a venue? One that will provide the sound equipment and booze and doesn't mind rock bands. Must be very close the the PATH train. People from New York are very cranky and get lost easily.

What will I do for you? I will book and host the show, promote and set up the space.

Why should your establishment have BabyHole? Because we packed Toy Eaters on a regular basis with thirsty audience and it is an asset to the community and the arts. It just may be the best comedy open mic in the New York area.

Why is BabyHole homeless? Because our last venue dissolved.

Email me at please.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

Putting my education to refuse

My parents will finally eat their words that my "education" was a "waste of money" because I will soon be posting videos on the internet.

I've finally gotten my video editing stuff and started recording my keyboard stuff. Boy, those piano lessons will pay off. And so will that Tisch film thing I have...and maybe even the Canadian math degree? No, that's probably still useless.

Anyway, videos are coming...Serious this time guys. Serious.

But in the meantime, I will be tutoring ESL. Call me!

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

My boyfriend has the biggest wiener

My boyfriend has the biggest wiener costume! He's the one on the left.

Hard Times on Hot Sauce Avenue

This is for all of you who RSVP'd to my taping on Friday. If not, you can go fuck yourself.

Thank you all for RSVPing to my fancy multi-media one-woman show video-taping for special people this Friday.

It makes my heart heavy and eyes watery to tell you that the show has been CANCELED due to technical difficulties. Well, the show has not really been canceled, merely delayed, and I will keep your RSVP for the future. The show will most likely premier in the Fall, and you will be the first to know.

What exactly was the technical difficulty? Well, it had to do with the crappiest computer in the world. My computer hates technology and ambitions. I ordered a new one, but there were shipping problems, and it's not going to get here for a while. Without multi-media, there is no show. Please don't be upset. Perhaps you can complain to NJSCA for having such a tight deadline.

Once again, thank you for RSVPing. I appreciate your support. And since you are all special people in my address book, I will email you video previews for Fall's show, and keep you on the guest list for then.

I wish you all good times on Hot Sauce Avenue.


Monday, July 7, 2008

Should I quit my job, or should I just quit my life?

I just got offered the role of Ethel in Moon Over Buffalo. It's a fun role, and I like the play. I get to play a deaf emasculating grandma who's full of hatred. Unfortunately, I just changed my work schedule to weeknights, so I won't be able to make rehearsal. I'm seriously thinking about quitting my job to do free acting. Then again, I told my boss off on Saturday night, so I might not have a job to quit anyway.

Why, oh why, can't I be a rich girl?

Oh, that's right. I'm lazy.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Please gnaw my foot off

I'm about to gnaw my own foot off to get out of work this Friday, July 4th. Fun that I'll be missing out on:

-My intern/sister is coming back from France.
-My boyfriend/roommate is going to be a fighting hot dog mascot at the hot dog eating contest at Coney Island.
-Fire works and barbecues.

I hate working.

Poor BabyHole

Apparently, everyone from Toy Eaters has abandoned the space, skipped town, and then it was ransacked by local scumbags, who took everything they could find, including the artwork on the walls and piping.

So BabyHole has no home for the fall. I'll start looking for venues, but this town is the pits.