Friday, September 26, 2008

Next Tuesday's BabyHole

Next Tuesday will be one of the funniest BabyHoles all year. There's no band this week. Instead, we have the sketch troupe Jerk Practice.

Then, we have an amazing musical comedian, Jessica Delfino. This is her in action.

And another amazing musical comedian, Ben Lerman. This is him.
(On a side note, that picture was taken by Eric Brown, International Beard Competitor and the photographer for most of my calendar. This is his flick page.)

Are they all no-names to you? Well acquaint yourself with them now. Here are some of their videos.

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Come and hole it up with us this Tuesday, September 30th at The Lamp Post.

"The Perturbation of Palin"

I was emailed this week with a plan to annoy Governor Palin. This is a copy of it.

Dear Friends:

We may have thought we wanted a woman on a national political ticket, but the joke has really been on us, hasn't it?

Are you as disgusted as I am at the thought of Sarah Palin as Vice President of the United States? None of you, however, can be happy with Palin's selection, especially on her positions on women's issues. So, in response to this may I suggest a fiendishly novel idea?

Make a donation (of any size...) to Planned Sarah Palin's name.

And here's the good part: when you make any donation to PP in her name, they'll send her a card telling her that the donation has been made in her honor. Here's the link to the Planned Parenthood website:

go to donate, then honorary gifts. You'll need to fill in the address to let PP know where to send the "in Sarah Palin's honor" card. I suggest you use the address for the McCain campaign headquarters, which is:

McCain for President
1235 S. Clark Street
1st Floor
Arlington, VA 22202

Feel free to send this along urging others to do the same.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Ben Lerman at BabyHole on Tuesday

Claudia captured Ben Lerman on her cell phone at the BabyHole Awards last Tuesday. This is it. Notice how our new venue, The Lamp Post, is so shitty. At the next show, I will have a petition for Jersey City to allow me to have an entertainment license in a 10-foot radius where ever I go.

In this video, Ben is covering "Can I Smell Yo' Dick?" He's a really great musical comedian. Go to his website.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Stupid Pride video

So I restored the project and got the video back, but now I have to redo all the audio work I did today. It is so annoying that I would rather be blogging than working on the stupid video.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

My Pride video

I shot video at the JC Pride festival as part of my Jersey City travelogue series. I was almost done with it. I was just fixing up all the audio and color corrections and planned on putting it online later on today or tomorrow morning. Unfortunately, somehow, an entire video track got deleted. So now I have to redo all those clips and fancy transitions and dick shots. It's going to be a few hours of work, at least, really annoying, tedious work, and I already have a headache from it. Thanks, God.

The Alaskan rally against Palin

This is a video of the Alaska Women against Sarah Palin rally. I think every women in Alaska was there. There's only like 100, right? Well, the figure for this rally is 2,000 people, the largest in Alaska's history.

Some stupid radio host, who called them "baby killing socialist maggots," broadcast the names and home phone numbers of the organizers on their show. Then the organizers got harassed and threatened. What is wrong with people?

BabyHole Awards

Last night's awards ceremony was lots of fun. Thanks to all the five people who came. Here are the results:

Bright Lights Big City: Matt Kelly
Most Racist: Hugh Eric Shin
Most Latino: Ralph Santiago
Ms. BabyHole: Emily Faith
Mr. BabyHole: Ralph Santiago
Busy BabyHole Bee: Ralph Santiago
Creepiest Stand Up: Ralph Santiago
Best Abandoner: Emily Faith
Best Attendance: Rojo (Ralph Santiago won too many awards)

Also honored was:

Ben Lerman, for being the first BabyHole featured performer ever.
The Poconos, for being the first real band BabyHole had.
The House of Leaves, for performing the most BabyHoles out of every band.

I made the BabyHole Awards out of baby figurines, canned food, gold spray paint and hot glue. They were very cute. All of the fingers on my left hand are still gold from the paint.

Norm Francouer (for lighting)
Max Michaels (for his outstanding performance at BabyHole VS Poetic Voices)
Joe Condiracci (for being a bartender and setting up the PA for us)
Ralph Santiago (I don't remember why I gave him one)

Golden Nipples were given out to people who do good jobs and nice things for BabyHole.

The crowd was small but the enjoyment was large. In fact, it was one of the smallest crowds in BabyHole history. Most of the people who were nominated didn't show up. They missed out. It was a lot of fun. Ben Lerman even did an encore. He's the best musical comedian ever, I think.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Would any Canadians like to get married?

So, if McCain/Palin win the election in November, I am going to move to Canada.

Sara Palin is like a soap opera villain, and it's like the election is a daytime soap opera (but not one of the good ones, like Passions or Dark Shadows, more of a boring one). There are too many reasons to enumerate on for the metaphor. I'll update it later, but in the meantime, would any Canadians like to get married?

My boyfriend said that if I get married, he'll break up with me. He says that Canada's too cold. He should get a jacket.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

The BabyHole Awards results are in!

I've just tallied all the online polls for the award show on Tuesday. I know who the winners and losers are.

Also, I've just started using adsense. I know it's annoying and ugly, but I am really broke right now and I need to pay PSE&G.

So click on the ads if you want me to eat this week. I guess that's how it works.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Last chance to vote for BabyHole Awards.

Hey everyone.

This is your last chance to vote for BabyHole Awards. The voting deadline is Sunday, September 14th.


The Award Show will be on Tuesday, September 16th at The Lamp Post.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

What's the difference between Jersey City and Williamsburg?

Here is an article from the New York Press.

Ugly Words at a Beauty Pageant
“Let’s walk and talk,” said Misha Calvert, the driving force behind last week’s “Mr. and Miss Williamsburg” pageant, a project she took on as part of her community service for lifting beer from a deli. I was trying to pay attention to her assurances that the pageant wasn’t a rigged advertising gimmick, but what was going on next to us in the dressing room kept distracting me. This tall, buxom blonde, Lola Wakefield, was trying to swig Jack Daniels out of the bottle and change into a short, white, puffy crinoline party dress at the same time, but was stuck with the dress only half on. “Will you help me with this?” Gladly.

But first I had to ask Misha one last thing: “What’s with the MC? No one can understand a word he says.”
Misha started sweating missiles. “This fucking DJ is huge in Berlin!” she sputtered, “the crowd should be lucky to hear him mumble. So he did a little too much Xanax before the show and maybe a bunch of other stuff.”

The emcee, who goes by the name “Smurk,” came back into the dressing room for a smoke. He was wearing a plastic and rhinestone tie around his shirtless, emaciated chest. “We’re just trying to create a post-, post-, post-, post-, post-ironic world,” he said. Before he went back on stage he shared some sage advice with the aspiring beauty queens. “Nothing tastes as good as being skinny feels.”

Back on stage, the contestants were crunking as the winners were announced. The girl crowned Miss Williamsburg, C.J. Johnson, boasted the talent of shot-gunning a PBR and taking her panties off through an American Apparel “onesie.” She gave the losers the finger and told them they were “all so very alternative.” Lola Wakefield knocked the plastic crown off her head, and Johnson threatened to gouge her assailant’s eyes out.

Lola, what do you think of the winner? “She’s a slut and doesn’t even live here. She drove in from New Jersey.”

Judge Sarah Morrison, summed things up (after she declared that she was “way hotter” than the winner). The jaded, bicoastal hipster said, “These kids all want to find the next cool thing, but like, it’s not here anymore. Just get it over with and move to Jersey City, you know.” Oh, is that where Morrison rests her head? “No, Williamsburg.”

Posted by Matt Harvey at 9:40 AM


This brings to mind a joke I gave up on about a year ago. "What's the difference between Jersey City and Williamsburg? About 20 pounds, I'd say!" It was inspired by old-timey jokes and Jersey City fatties.

Anyway, to all that Williamsburg kind: Please please please don't move to Jersey City. We don't like your kind here. We will be mean, snarky and judgmental to you. And you will probably get mugged. And we don't want you to drive up our rent.

There's nothing here, anyway.

Monday, September 8, 2008

My new hero

I have a new hero. Her name is Sarah Haskins and she looks like this.

She does a segment on's show, InfoMania, called Target Women. Current was started by Al Gore to be a media outlet for young people like me, who aren't retarded. Don't confuse it with our local publication, The Current, which is atrocious.

This is what Sarah has to say about Sarah Palin.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Special BabyHole tonight! How adorable!

Hey every​one,​

It's JC Frida​y.​ And there​'​s a very speci​al BabyH​ole Showc​ase at The Lamp Post.​ All of your favor​ite BabyH​olers​ will be there​,​ doing​ exten​ded sets.​

Max Micha​els
Ralph​ Santi​ago
Matt Jenki​ns
Matt Kelly​
Ryan Stevens

So let'​s all showe​r them with our love and ribbo​ns.​

BabyH​ole Showc​ase
Tonig​ht,​ Tuesd​ay,​ Septe​mber 5th, 9:00 pm
The Lamp Post
382 2nd Stree​t
Jerse​y City,​ NJ
5 block​s from Grove​ Stree​t PA

Thursday, September 4, 2008

The Republican Convention gave me nightmares!

I watched a little of the convention last night, but I had to turn it off because it was so scary. These are some of the things that gave me nightmares:

-I had nightmares of the creepy Down Syndrome baby, which may or may not be Palin's grandson.

-I had nightmares of her giant, pregnant teenage daughter.

-I had nightmares of the walking corpse, John McCain and his Skeletor wife.

-The image of Cindy McCain rocking the Down Syndrome baby while her face was melting.

-That many old white people is not natural for a sample of our population.

-The state roll call was torture and it hurt my heart.

-The cowboy with the wireless electric guitar who sang "Raisin' McCain," which I guess is the campaign's theme song? My boyfriend said it was like a South Park episode.

Too scary for me! If McCain wins, I am going to hide under my bed and then move to Canada.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

BabyHole Season Premiere tonight!

Hey everyone,

Put your diaper back on, because tonight is BabyHole's Season Premiere!

So I haven't advertised it as obnoxiously as I would, because our new venue is small and this show is going to be so big I didn't want it to explode.


Hosted by me, Melissa Surach. And I swear I'll do a better job this year.

(5 blocks from the PATH station. Our old venue fled the country. The new one is the ONLY LEGAL PLACE TO HAVE SHOWS IN JERSEY CITY wtf? Write letters to City Hall)

It will also be BabyHole's 1st birthday. Bring presents if you want. I might bring cupcakes, but I'm really busy building the baby altar.