Things to Cut the Nuts off of During the 2008 Presidential Election

Here's some more rejected writing for my fans to read. The problem was that by the time the editor got around to this, and the time it would've been published, no one would care.


Things to Cut the Nuts Off of During the 2008 Presidential Election


Teenagers in cars.
Who do they think they are?

Nut Allergies.
Millions of prissy kids are mildly annoyed by this stupid affliction every year and then we all have to read about it on our snack labels.

Squirrels.
They just bury them and forget them, like a typical American politician with his scandals. Oh, guileless squirrel, what won't we learn from you? I suppose guilelessness, but not burying and forgetting our nuts, until we cut them off.

Stray cats.
A single stray cat will have over 3,200 kittens we don't cut its nuts off. If we're not going to cut its nuts off, we should at least send those kittens to fight in Iraq, or make them dig for oil or at least stop stinking up my Mexican border fence with its nuts!

Civil Rights.
Stop marching, you crazy nuts! I need to drive my SUV over slaves!

Nuts and bolts.
This sexist hardware only lets terrorists win, and they are winning the war on nuts.

Rapists.
Am I right, ladies? Too bad you'll never be president.

The 8 in the 2008 US Elections.
It looks like a peanut. If we went back in time 1,808 years, it would be so much easier to cut the nuts off of our clan leaders in our caves, if nuts were even invented yet.

Testicles.
They started this whole mess with their nut sacks.