Friday, August 15, 2008

Guido Fest '08

After a day of clipping butt dreads from my clawing, snarling, biting rabbit, Butterscotch, I am going to guido it up tonight at the feast around the corner.

For those of you who don't know, I'm half Guido and half Polak (or the typical Jersey City mutt, as my old boss used to say). But I usually only tell people that I'm Polish so that I can get out of doing handy house work, except for cleaning, of course. That joke's for racists.

My boyfriend threw Butterscotch the bunny out when he moved in. He and Butterscotch didn't get along. Butterscotch would pee and poo all over my boyfriend's stuff. In return, Rustin would fart on him.

Luckily, Grandma (the Polish one) needed a companion, so we gave her the rabbit. At first, Grandma wanted to eat him, but I told her no. So Grandma now has a cute little bunny (who's a little destructive and mean) for a pet. However, grandma has poor eyesight and is very stubborn. So when I tell her to feed him hay and rabbit pellets, she refuses and gives him two shoe-boxes full of treats. He has diarrhea often, but he probably deserves it anyway.

Also, since she is blind, or schlecka (which doesn't stop her from trying to paint my apartment, to my frustration) as she says, he was very dirty. I spent about an hour brushing him and clipping dreads off. I was going to clip his nails too, but Rustin threw the critter clippers out out of spite. Grandma gave me 3 pairs of human nail clippers from the dollar store. I told her they were for humans, not rabbits.

Also, the rabbit got fleas somehow. I didn't tell Grandma out of fear of what old world style solution she would give him. Rabbits need special flea remedies so they don't get poisoned. I'll buy some this week and sneak it to him.

From now on, I'll have to take Butterscotch once a week for proper grooming and inspection. Rustin is very upset about this.

Anyway, I'm going to Guido Fest tonight. The Italian feast around the corner is up. On the first day, there were 50 chubby guido youths with Gotti hair and wife beaters hanging out on stoops on my block and the next, shouting at any female human that walked by. Tonight there's some old man band playing Italian standards and you can drink in the streets while eating Italian pastries. But mostly, I'm going for the guidos. I might bring ear plugs. They scream a lot.

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