I usually don't publish my essays on the blog because I want to get paid or critically acclaimed for them (HA!), but this one was rejected last week and I'm not going to get another chance for a year, so here's my Mother's Day essay.
(Not Necessarily Fun) Family Activities for Mother's Day
-Babyball is a good way to introduce your baby to sports. Perfect for building little muscles, your baby will learn coordination and discipline when you pitch it and it makes a home run. Go Baby, go!
-Babies love bright colors, sparkles, and the smell of ethyl acetate. Enjoy the pampering (no, not THAT kind) as Baby gives you a full manicure, including a hand massage and acrylic tips.
-"Who's a big boy?" or "Who's a big girl?" is what you'll be shouting as you adorn your baby with feathers and wear it as a fashionable hat.
-Family bonding is important and fun. The entire family will enjoy using the baby to adorn the Mother's Day Tree that you've forced it to cut down in the Pine Barrens, where the Jersey Devil lives. Alternatively, light Baby on the Mother's Day Menorah.
-No one loves vodka more than babies. Have Baby make YOU a White Russian for a change!
-Throw up on Baby. See how much it likes it! Maybe it'll learn a lesson.
-Finally, sometimes Mommy just wants to sit in a nest. Have baby build one for you. Start off by sending Baby to rummage for twigs and strings, then glue with things that have come out of Baby.
-A relaxing afternoon nest nap is the perfect activity to end the exciting day you and your family have celebrated together. If only every day was Mother's Day! Then maybe Baby wouldn't act like such a jerk all the time.