Sunday, March 30, 2008

Trivia Night and Lismore at BabyHole

I've spent a lot of time watching PBS and Judge Hatchett to come up with trivia questions that only I and the Judge may know the answer to. If you prove me wrong, I'll give you a prize.

BabyHole is an open mic for stand up, sketch, musical comedy, etc. Doors open and sign up starts @ 8:00.

Lismore is opening the show. Yes, Lismore.


The show is free, the PBR is free, even cigarettes sometimes. All I ask for is a donation of at least $5 so that I can get you drunk and take advantage of you.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

I did not know how many people grew nipples in their armpits

I did not know how many people grew nipples in their armpits until I began writing this blog. It seems like at least once a day, someone finds my blog with keywords, something like, "Growing extra nipples in armpit," or "Tiny nipples growing in armpit." I can only assume that the reason for this is that many people have a problem with growing extra nipples and look to my blog for further information about it.

I do not have extra nipples, but I do grow a lot of skin tags. Once one grew by my armpit. It got so big, sometimes it would hurt. One day, it got scraped off by a rusty cannon at an old fort. I never got tetanus, and I never saw that skin tag again.

Another keyword that's tracked frequently on my blog is "rape guilt," also "pics of girl's hairy armpits."

I think that if I put more pictures of girl's hairy armpits, I would get more hits on my blog. So that's going to be my new thing. Please email your pictures of girl's hairy armpits to me. Seriously.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Pictures from JC Friday

I was described in the brochures as "Jersey City's comedic sensation," and on JC Friday, March 7, I dressed up in vintage dresses and read my newest humor essays at Another Man's Treasure vintage store.

It was raining heavily that night, and the crowds were small. But I learned who my fans are (for the most part): Artsy guys with depressive personalities who read and write.

Here are some pictures from the night.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Thanks for Not Raping People, Jersey City. I'm being sarcastic.

Last week's fund raiser on March 18th at BabyHole, "Stop Raping People!", was to benefit Women Rising, Inc., and The Global Fund for Women.

I raised the unbelievable sum of $61. It was the least attended BabyHole in history.

I don't know if people were put off by the theme of the night, or if it was because it was the day after St. Patrick's Day.

I guess that now we know how Jersey City really feels about raping people, or Irish people.

If you'd like to donate to these noble causes, you can reach them here:

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Vodkas I am making

I've made infused vodka for tonight's Stop Raping People party. I won't bring them all. (I went pretty hard on the lemon-ginger last night).

Flavors I've made:

Rosemary Apple
Lemon Ginger
Cinnamon Persimmon

Thursday, March 13, 2008

So...I accidentally uninstalled my internet...

...and I haven't found the disk I need to reinstall it. I don't know if I ever even owned it.

In the meantime, I have to do internet work out of the fart-smelling library. It's not a library that catalogues and lends out fart smells. It just smells like farts all the time.

And there's an old Asian guy who comes in every day to look at porn. He is very open about it and not at all ashamed. I think that he's smug because no one's told on him yet. I don't tell on him because I feel bad for him. But if there are no computers available for me, I probably will. I think he has dirty hands.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008


In celebration of the 100 anniversary of International Women Workers Day, next week's BabyHole on Marh 18th is going to be a fundraiser for local and global women's causes.

I hope to raise enough money to donate to both Women Rising, which is the only women's shelter in Hudson County, and The Global Fund for Women, which sponsors hundreds of women's rights campaigns worldwide.

And I know that International Women Workers Day was on March 8, not March 18th (I have a calendar!).

Monday, March 10, 2008

My terrible chores

This is my list of today's chores:

- Wash Dirty.
He somehow found my stash of nearly-expired dollar store chocolate and is now covered in it. It has melted into his fur. He's very hyper, being very bad, and will have diarhea soon. He ran in the park for 30 minutes straight, and is still freaking out.

- Sweep up shrimp heads.
Dirty some how knocked the dog gate askew (probably with chocolate power) and got into the garbage in the kitchen, where my stupid boyfriend left shrimp heads in an open garbage. Dirty had a shrimp head party in the laundry and all over the living room and under my bed.

- Mop up shrimp brains.
I have to mop up shrimp brains because now they are stuck to the floor, and Dirty keeps licking them. I'm caught between chastising him for being bad, and cleaning up his mess.

- Buy more scented things.
Dirty's farts smell like sulfur, and he's been farting all night long, so a fart cloud's been accumulating in my apartment for about 12 hours now. Also, there's something scary under my bed.

- Do laundry.
There are shrimp heads in my clothes and bedding. He got some on parts of blankets that were on the floor.

- Clean up poison mouse doo doo. For the past week and a half, I've had trouble keeping up with these mice and the amount of poison they consume. I don't know if they die or just abuse it to get high off. Anyway, their poo is the same color as the poison (blue), and it's a constant struggle to keep my food decontaminated.

- Buy more poison.
Two big containers have nearly been consumed, with no sign of slowing down.

- Put out resumes.
I need to pay for poison and laundry some how.

- Fix the internet and/or cancel it.
I accidentally uninstalled an ethernet device, and can't find the Windows disk to reinstall it. So now I'm at the library. It always smells like someone shit their pants here.

All on a budget of $5.00. And if I have time, I will do these things.

- Book BabyHole for March 18th. I've decided that we're going to celebrate women's month by having a benefit for a Jersey City woman's organization. I haven't decided which one (I'm researching it here at the library), but I'm going to book a woman comedian, hopefully have a woman band, and give money to something bigger than myself, which is usually what donations go to (what's left over from the beer and promotional materials and prizes and comedian's train fare). It will also be trivia night.

- Get essays ready for submission to publication.
My high brow humor essays are gonna make me poor some day.

- Finish script outlines for 2 video sketches.
My pretty face is aging.

The wierd thing about Dirty's shrimp head party is that no garbages were knocked down. He's getting smarter about stealing waste.

Friday, March 7, 2008

Fetal Soul tonight!

Come see fetuses dance while I read essays about how slutty they are! Also, I'll be selling calendars for $7 each for one-night only.

New esssays include: "Midget Hunting: It's not a Sport," "Why I am the Worst Comedian," "Going to the Opera," and "Commentary on the Little Girl Buried in a Barrel of Rum."

Rum will be served. This is the last event at Another Man's Treasure until they move.

THIS IS A JC FRIDAY EVENT. JC Friday is a seasonal city-wide art festival. www.

This is my listing:

8pm-? ANOTHER MAN’S TREASURE vintage store presents ‘Fetal Soul.’ Jersey City's comedic sensation Melissa Surach reads her newest humorous essays and some old favorites, while modeling elegant vintage ensembles. Listen as she makes breaking into cemeteries, sperm whales and little girls in rum barrels look beautifully disgusting. Children are not encouraged. 20 min. show repeated every hour on the hour until no one cares. 109 Brunswick St, 201-610-0211.

The Melissa Surach Calendar is a hit in Jamaica!

This is what I found online today:

The Melissa Surach Calendar is a hit in Jamaica!

Tonight, for one night only, you can get the Melissa Surach 2008 Calendar for a mere $7 if you come to Another Man's Treasure for Fetal Soul.

The Weiner of the BabyHole Sausagefest Contest is...

Last Tuesday, Any Day Parade was kind enough to grace BabyHole with their fantastic talent as the featured band. Later, in the show, Rosie Rebel did a burlesque dance. She forgot to shave before the show, but then remembered in the middle of her set.

In between, not one, but TWO women signed up for the open mic. But don't worry. No one wrestled (this time). I called up Christina Cruz, who gave me a the best and only haircut I've gotten in a year, to be the judge, but she had already left. So her neighbor, Jayne, came up instead.

It was a tense competition, and everyone wanted the prize: A pack of nudie playing cards from 1987 that I got in Atlantic City where all the men are obviously Eastern European and probably communists. Jayne even tried to steal it.

We had to choose between Tera Feigan and Emily Faith. It was all up to Jayne as the deciding factor. I asked everyone to choose a number between 1 and 10. Jayne chose 3. Tera chose 9, but Emily chose 7.

Thus, the weiner of the Babyhole Sausagefest Contest is Emily Faith.

Next BabyHole, on March 18th, is Trivia Night.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

"Happy birthday, Melissa!"

"Happy birthday, Melissa!" is what you would've said to me if you'd remembered that my birthday was last Monday or if you came out to celebrate last night.

Quitting smoking, which was last year's birthday resolution, and this New Year's resolution, is not going so swimmingly. It's hard not to smoke in this town when you get free cigarettes all the time. When I bartend, I get 6 free packs a week. Just last night alone, somehow we ended up home with four and a half packs of cigarettes, all free!

This morning I ate too much cream cheese and have felt sick all day.

I don't have any pictures because someone did not think to take any even though he had his camera with him. He also did not bake me a cake like he said he would.