Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Dr. Melissa

What should I prescribe myself?

I found my mom's prescription pad on the counter. She's a nurse practitioner. She must really trust me. Or more likely, she knows I have no money.

Since I haven't had health insurance in 4 years, I don't remember how to do prescriptions. But I'm thinking about prescribing something like physical therapy or that pink penicillin medicine. Or a liver transplant.

This week I'm house sitting at my parent's and the dog, La La, is very annoying and ill trained. She likes to stab me in the stomach with her pointy feet.

This is a picture from when I tried to put her in the drier. I think she liked it.
There's a date on is because my parents thinks it's cool to put incorrect dates on pictures.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I think I'm finally happily employed

I think that all that poverty and sitting around all sumer long was worth it. I held out for a few months, but I finally got jobs.

They are:

1. Bartender - only beer and shots, plus I'm allowed to drink on the job.
2. Video Content Manager - I watch YouTube and get PAID for it.

Tomorrow I have a job interview to be an associate editor for a new magazine for hedonists. I think I'll be getting paid to drink and get laid.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Psychedelic Comedy Hour

This is the flier for a show I'm on Friday. At first I thought it was a guy's butt because it almost looks like there's a scrotum, but I think it's just a disgusting chest.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

You don't even want to know what I pulled out of my dog's butt!

I think I've gotten to the bottom of Dirty's poo problems. I'm pretty sure that he ate a cord of rope, like the kind you hang laundry on. I think it was from before I found him because I don't ever do laundry.

For awhile I thought he had worms but it was just strings.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Sometimes I have night terrors in the daytime


Things have gone out of control and I'm grounded this month.

Last Wednesday, I watched a 4-hour-long marathon of Ghost Hunters by myself and it was so scary that I had to spend the night with the lights and TV on, on my parent's sofa, forcing my dog, Dirt Pie, to protect me from ghosts. And if you know anything about Dirty Pie, you know that he's a big pussy and not very well trained.

When not binge drinking to forget my horror, I've slept with the lights on all week long. And last night I had a nightmare that I was room mates with a baby ghost and had to take care of her. And she wouldn't sleep in her bed because that's where she died! AHHHH!

Then I woke up in a cold sweat and waited until the sun came up to go to sleep. Luckily, I don't have a real job to wake up for.

Monday, September 10, 2007

The Best Girls Kill Themselves In Jersey

I have a big poster of me called "The Best Girls Kill Themselves In Jersey" up in the Mary Benson Art Gallery right now for the September Selects Show. I was credited as a CONCEPTUAL ARTIST/COMEDIAN/JERSEY GIRL.

The picture was taken by Doug, who took a break from shooting Dead Man's Tunnel to shoot MY Dead Man's Tunnel.

It's 24" x 36" digital color print mounted on gator board. YOu may purchase it, but it's a little pricey. I'll also print smaller ones that are cheaper that you can order.

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Sometimes I impulsively buy pets.


I'd have to take all the substrate out of my tank and put sand down, possibly get a new tank, add salt, and move furniture, but they are so cute and I think it's worth it!

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Get some fucking garbage cans, Jersey City!

Dear Jersey City,
Today I had to walk three blocks with dog poo in my hand because there were no garbage cans. Well there was one but it was full. It was so full it looked like another garbage can was on top of it. I don't know why the neighbors on that block throw out their private garbage in the public garbage can when they should on garbage night, but there was no room for dog poo and I had to keep walking. And I think that if the city only puts one garbage can out, they should empty it regularly to accommodate Jersey trash.

Sometimes Dirty poos too much and I run out of bags. Luckily, there was a typo-riddled Hudson Reporter nearby and I successfully used it to scoop up his poo after 20 minutes of trying. He's been eating hair and his poo looks like sausage links.


Thank you,
Melissa Surach