Sunday, January 31, 2010

No furry babies? What am I supposed to exploit now?

We finally got around to taking the dirty feral cat to the vet. We found out that it does NOT have cat AIDS (at least probably not--so don't share needles or try to sleep with it).

Also, it's not pregnant because it's a male. Apparently, there's a lot of things I need to learn about penises. However, its foot is permanently deformed from a birth defect, so that's something I can talk about at the water cooler.

This is a picture of my sister trying to step on it. It survived, so I suggested we name it Ugg because of her ugly boots.

If you've seen my 2008 Calendar, you can imagine how upset I was about not having kittens--not just for the recipes, but for the exploitation as well. Maybe one day, I'll have a litter of my own.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Oh, would you like some fleas?

The good news is that the cat is out of the ceiling and there are no dead kittens stuck in the wall. Also, her nose is less crusty, and she's now beige instead of gray, and she lets us pet her. The bad news is that I'm pretty sure the cat is still pregnant, and her foot is deformed. However, we still don't know if she has cat HIV.

My sister is going to keep her unless someone claims her and we've been fighting over what to name her. I know it should be her decision, but her names are so stupid I almost slapped her.

Nikki's Names:
Annie (which I originally came up with as a compromise over Kitty)

Melissa's Names:
Rainbow Face

She likes to eat string.

Here, she's saying, "Yes, I like to play with balls. And would you like some fleas as well?"

She has to sit like this because of her belly full of kittens and gross foot.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Is this your little white pussy?

Last night, my sister and I dragged this cat in from my parents' back yard. It's a little white cat with two different colored eyes, a bad leg, and it might be pregnant. It's been hanging out for about a week.

It seemed friendly at first, until we got it in the basement, where it hid from us under a pile of sharp tools.

This morning we went to check on it, and it disappeared. I hope it's not in the ceiling. We'd like to take it to the vet before it has kittens in the wall.

Is this your cat? If so, please come and get it and take it to the vet.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Is that dead tree for your dead baby?

Last week I found this decrepit Christmas tree skeleton on Wayne Street. The sidewalk was strewn with other Christmas tree corpses, but they were all still green, full of needles, and looked like they were from this year.

How many years did this family keep this sad little firehazard? Were they hoarders, or cheap?

I can imagine their Christmas Day: dollar store objects and stoop sale throw aways barely covered in crumpled newspaper under this spiny mummy, "Children, retrieve your toys--but watch out for your eyes." Then the parents lament, "We might have to finally get rid of the tree this year--it's on fire again. But grandma will be happy to know we kept it for as long as we could, as stated in her will."

Which brings to mind: What rags do they force their Christmas-cheerless children to wear, and what do they do with their deceased pets?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

New directions, new pictures, and new underwear!

As I've mentioned before, I'm changing my blog around. Let's face it: I hate writing in it and you hate reading it. On a side note, I need new underwear too.

I'm busy editing hundreds of photos and uploading videos. In anticipation of the new direction I'm taking, please don't read anything below this beautiful picture of me and Dirty Dog, taken right before our bath.

And now into the future!

Thursday, January 7, 2010

No Calendars! New Blog!

I'm revamping my blog!

Don't be sad that I've discontinued my Melissa Surach Calendars. You probably aren't, because no one ever bought them. Instead I've decided to publish my narcissism on my blog, or else I'd have to give it up completely because it's so expensive!

Also, no one reads my blog or posts comments except for sex workers and erection pills. That's fine by me--I don't write in it too much anymore and someone needs to generate the content. But I don't like being used by the human slave industry, especially if I'm not even getting laid.

So if you'd like to take pictures of me and document my beauty, let me know. I hope you like corpses!