Monday, December 14, 2009

NEW Magazine

The website I write for, Jersey City Independent, recently acquired NEW Magazine, a free local magazine with over 40,000 readers. You can read about it here. Go, Jersey City Independent, go!

This is exciting news for 40,000 people. It means you'll learn to love me, too, and I'll love you.

See you in print!

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Baby Hole-iday Extravaganza

Hello everyone!

I'm growing out my beard out for the holidays so you can sit on my lap and pretend I'm Santa! This week's BabyHole is my present to you, and it's a big one.

Baby Hole-iday Extravaganza
Tuesday, December 15th, 9:00 pm, FREE!


-Crazy and the Brains (rock and roll)
-Jack Parson's Moonchild (performing original Christmas music)
-Alexander the Poet (erotic whale poetry)
-Hilary Schwartz (stand up)
-Soce the Elemental Wizard (gay hip hop)
-John F. O'Donnel (stand up)

Plus 6 open mic slots for stand up,sketch, musical comedy and funny videos.

Also, this is the last chance to give us your cans. We're doing a food drive for Let's Celebrate!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Holiday Greetings from me and Dirty Dog!

Happy holidays!

There's no picture, but imagine I sent you a postcard of Dirty Dog on Santa's lap. That Santa is me, dressed as Santa. I'll actually take the picture when my intern gets over swine flu pneumonia and is strong enough to click to make the picture.

By the way, here's a genius idea for someone. Can someone please make a photo spread of pets in holiday outfits in winter scenery? I really want to see a cat dressed like menora, bunnies with big snowflakes on their foreheads, and dogs in Christmas dresses on my lap (as I'm dressed like Santa, of course). I don't really know what Kwanzaa or the Muslim holiday this month is about, but if they can be made into themes for adorable animal pictures, please include it.

I would do it myself, but I'm busy making gifts. I'm super broke for the holidays, so as usual, everything's DIY. I'm up to my boobs in shell jewelry at the moment, but also expect some snow "globes" (jars from dollar store food), and crayon portraits.

Happy Winter Holiday!

May your New Year be better than mine.

Melissa and Dirty

Sunday, November 22, 2009

God Hates Fags!

For Halloween, I was one of the God Hates Fags people. This was the other side of my sign, which I've actually seen on churches and on real protester's signs, so I didn't make it up myself.

I'm the one on the left.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Greetings from behind the Iron Curtain!

Tonight's my last night in Poland and I'm shit faced on elderly Polish people. We're staying with my great aunt and I've met literally thousands of 100-year-old Polish relatives, and seen more photos of dead ones.

I didn't really get a chance to party because old people were stuffing me with cured meats the entire time and would get hostile if I refused. In 4 days, I gained 10 pounds. I plan on fasting on twigs when I get back. I'm also looking for a Master Cleanse buddy, if anyone's interested. And I plan on fasting from old Polish people (this means you, grandma).

I'm going back to Berlin tomorrow. Hopefully, I won't be too flatulant to hang out with people who are young and ambulatory. I think I caught arthritis from someone, and I smell like my grandpa did before he died. I need to figure out how to ditch my mom and follow some German boys around. I hope they like the smell of salami.

Here's some highlights from my trip (itinerary Berlin, Warsaw, Krakow, Gdansk, Berlin).

1. You can't walk more than 10 feet without stumbling across a memorial/concentration camp. Also, I almost puked on Aushewitz by accident.

2. At a divey German soccer bar, I was flattered to notice a guy checking me out. After doing an extravagant Sexy American pose, I realized he was just making fun of my outfit with his friends.

3. Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage!

4. I learned how to make home made wine and am smuggling Spiritus to make my own licqueurs. Also, Vodka Party at my house! For one, because I have no friends.

5. I think I developed a goiter from all this cured meat. But it's nothing a mild case of gout can't strain out! Ha ha! LMFAO!

6. I found amber on the beach, or maybe I just have a pocketful of rocks. At least it got me out of the house.

I'll be back in Jersey City on Tuesday.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Honoring me.

Last night, Jersey City Council unimously approved a resolution to honor me. While I'm flattered (yet annoyed that they wouldn't let me marry my dog), I still can't believe it made a headline in the Jersey Journal, according to yahoo local news.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009


In case you haven't heard my whining, I've been begging for an award from City Hall for several months. You can read about my struggles here and here.

Tonight, City Call is voting on a resolution about me at the Council meeting. I'm not sure what it's for, or what kind of speech to give, but when I called them, they told me I'm not allowed to try to marry my dog, or sexually harass Councilman Fulop, even though I picked out a fancy dress.

Please come to City Hall tonight at 6 pm to support me. I'm going to try to be as annoying as possible without sabotaging my award. Any shouting from you is allowed. It's probably going to be boring, but I give you permission in advance to scream profanities.


Sunday, September 20, 2009


BabyHole is back at The Lamp Post because the Iron Monkey's dining room/stairwell landing made us sad.

Come this Tuesday! The show's going to be really good.

It's better anyway because the Lamp Post looks like a womb.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Hey Tom Scharpling, thanks for stealing my thunder!

Last night's BabyHole was the worst on record. It was a horrible show.

In addition to being moved to the dining room/stairwell landing and starting late (we had to wait for dinner service to be over), WFMU's Best Show had a party on the roof that was apparently more exciting than BabyHole and everyone ignored me as they stamped through my show on the way up the stairs.

Now, I know that everyone loves WFMU, and that Tom Scharpling's Best Show is good, and he keeps company with fancy celebrities and Ted Leo played live. Big deal.

Everyone with shaggy hair, tattoos and ironic glasses from Jersey City and Hoboken, my usual audience, were stolen by him. Well I hope you all got laid. Good job.

Several regular BabyHolers, including Dancing Tony and fellow Jersey City comedians Upset Triangle asked me, "Is BabyHole going on?"

I replied, "Yeah are you coming?"

"No, we're going up to the roof."

After repeating this conversation a few times, I gave up on my show and went up to the roof with them.


Monday, September 7, 2009

BabyHole Tomorrow!

After a full day of labor, BabyHole will be rebirthed tomorrow night. Be there for the gore!

September 8th, 9:00 pm, FREE

Featuring stand up by Dave Angelo and Brendan Fitzgibbons, and musical comedy powerhouse Ike and Mike the Perfect 10.

Plus 6 open mic slots for sketch, stand up, musical comedy and funny videos.* And I'll be showing Melicious Bottomvomit. Hosted by Matt Kelly.

Unfortunately, since my last show at Automata Chino was raided, this show will be held in the second floor dining room/stairwell of the Iron Monkey. On the upside, I heard that some celebrities will be passing through on their way to the roof.

The Iron Monkey
97 Greene Street
Jersey City, NJ

Two blocks from Exchange Place PATH and Lightrail Stations.


*If you have video you'd like to share, please show up at 9 so we can check it in.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009



I went to my show, BabyHole, today, after spending a horrible afternoon in court with my stalker, and frustratedly working on my few freelance articles on whatever my broken, obsolete computer will allow me to maybe finish (by the way, I have to hire an attorney tomorrow...any pro bono takers? For the unmedicated schizophrenic stalker case) when my show was RAIDED.

It wasn't my fault it got raided...But it really sucked. Do I get street cred at least?

Sunday, August 23, 2009


This Tuesday's BabyHole is part of the See What's Hear Festival. The Festival welcomes the Barclay's at Liberty National Golf Course*.

Tuesday, April 25th, 9:00 pm, free!

Featuring rock and roll by Darren Deicide. Stand up by Mark Normand, Chelsea White, and Rosie Rebel. About 6 open mic slots for sketch, stand up and musical comedy. Video by me. Hosted by Adam Colicchio.

Plus there's a $3 beer menu.

IM Automata Chino
99 Greene Street
Jersey City, NJ

Two blocks from Exchange Place PATH and Lightrail Stations.

*Ironically, I'm not welcome to either event or club, but I still have dreams.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

You're Welcome!

The first installment of my new humorous column is up, if you'd like to read it. I'm writing for Jersey City Independent, which is what all the cool kids in town read.

You're Welcome!

Cory Booker

Last night I met Newark's mayor Cory Booker. He was my second choice. I wanted to talk to Mayor Healy, who was hanging around trying to win back the artist community. He was casually dressed, and looked one wardrobe decision away from wearing a tie-dye shirt.

I just missed Healy, so I was stuck with Cory. I was weirded out by his blue contacts and that he was hanging out at a bar in Jersey City when there was a protest in Newark after 6 people got shot over night, but he is still handsome.

"Hi Cory Booker. My name is Melissa Surach."

"Melissa Surach. That's a good name."

"It was bastardized when my family came to Ellis Island."

"What was it before?"


He repeated after me with an exaggerated gesture and his secret service men laughed at him.

"I have two things to ask you. First of all, say hi to Obama for me."

"Will do."

"Secondly, I run a comedy show in Jersey City."

"You know, comedians and politicians have a lot in common, we're both in front of audiences trying to make them like us."

"Except you have money and power."

We laughed.

"Are you going to hang out with Healy?" I asked.

"Yeah, we're going to the Beer Garden."

"Can you ask him about my award? He'll probably know who I am."

He mumbled something and rudely walked away, considering the raport we'd built. I considered going to the Beer Garden to bother them some more, but I was already drunk.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

See What's Hear Festival!

Next week's BabyHole is part of Jersey City's See What's Hear Festival. Welcome to BabyHole, Barclays Golf Tournament!

For more information/listings/printable brochure, click here.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Yesterday's best conversation

My sister and I were at Groove on Grove.

"Why are there so many hipsters in Jersey City?" she asked.

"Do I look like a hipster?" I asked.

"No. You look like you buy your clothes at the dollar store."

It's true!

Monday, August 10, 2009

BabyHole tomorrow

Hey everyone!

BabyHole's tomorrow, and you're about to finally live (except for the band, Better Off Dead).

BabyHole Open Mic
Tuesday, August 11th, 9:00 pm, FREE!

Featuring rock and roll band Better Off Dead. Stand up by Ricky Butler and Dan St. Germaine. Melicious Bottomvomit (my public access show) preview. Six open mic slots for stand up, sketch, musical comedy, and funny videos.*

Hosted by Rogelio Perez.

*If you're bringing a video, sign up at 9:00 so we can check it before the show starts.

$3 Beer Menu!

IM Automata Chino
99 Greene Street
Jersey City, NJ

One block from the Exchange Place PATH Station and Light Rail.

Monday, August 3, 2009

National Night Out at City Hall

Dear countrymen,

Please join me at the Rally for National Night Out at City Hall in Jersey City.

In the past, Jersey City has sponsored block parties as rallies to combat street crime. This year, the rally will converge on City Hall to combat corruption and political crimes, the most egregious of which is me not getting an award.

I will be at the rally protesting the fact that I have not yet received the award, which I used to ask for politely. Feel free to make signs, like "Who do I have to f***ing bribe to get Melissa Surach an award?" or "If you don't give Melissa Surach an award, I will f**k the s**t out of you." I encourage obsenities.

I will be there dressed in gold body makeup, possibly pretending to be a statue as a means of earning tips/donations for my cause. Steve Fulop, local hearthrob and wonderboy Councilman will speak.

Feel free to ask me for an autograph, or get one from the local superstars like Mariano Vega, Official 4 (Mayor Healy), and others who were indicted/implicated the last week's state wide corruption sweep.

National Night Out at City Hall
Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
6:00 pm - 7:30
280 Grove Street
Jersey City, NJ

Thank you,
Melissa Surach

Friday, July 17, 2009

Answer my prayer?

This is a plea for sponsors for my show, Melicious Bottomvomit.

Melicious Bottomvomit Sponsor Prayer from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Stop being a jerk.

Dear MTA,

You are a jerk. Several months ago, after a very long work day, I rushed to get to class on time. But when I tried to refill my card, your stupid machine ate my money.

I spent the next half hour trying get the machine open to retrieve my money. It wouldn't have been that big of a deal, except that all the other machines were broken, as well as my trust in you.

The Port Authority agents were very helpful and attentive after the initial 10 minutes while they watched me scramble around in panic from a distance. I couldn't jump the turnstile because it was rush hour, and the wave of immigrants in the opposite direction was very aggressive, and also, the agents were watching me with their soulless eyes.

The agents stayed with me while they found the officer who had complaint forms. He was diddling around somewhere. Finally, I was given a number to call so that I could fill out a form via phone. However, I think that the man who tele-filled it for me made a mistake, because today I got a letter, 2 months later, that you found my claim to unsubstantiated, unless I provide a receipt. I do not have a receipt because the machine was broken and I filled out the complaint form over the telephone, so I don't have a copy. Neither did you send me one so I can verify the details. I don't remember the exact date, or machine number, so you can go fuck yourself.

I hate you and hope that you die. I plan on buying a rowboat for my commuting needs from now on.


Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Melicious Bottomvomit Setbacks and Hugs

Most people are tired of hearing about my public access show, "Melicious Bottomvomit," and doubt that it will ever air. Those people are stupid, because they could just come to BabyHole and watch the uncensored previews. Last night I screened almost the entire first episode.

The screenings are going over very well, and every hugs me afterwards. But because of all these hugs, and the laughter, I've encouraged myself to submit it to festivals. Some of the festivals have restrictions, like not broadcasting while the festival's going on. And that reminds me, I need an ethnic director or producer.

So, the show may be delayed, but hopefully will be available online. I need to do research. Maybe it won't be festivalable at all.

All I know is that I want some awards.

Monday, July 13, 2009

My Letter to the Editor

Please pick The Reporter out of your garbage can today. There's finally something worthwhile to read in it--My Letter to the Editor. You're welcome, Mr. Obama!

However, if the garbage men already took it away or your bird already pooped on it, here's the link: Where's my Award?

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Biergarten

Congratulations to me, I just got married!

Thanks everyone. Feel free to send me presents. I just got married to Zeppelin Hall, the new beer garden in my neighborhood, which, coincidentally, is also where we're registered.

Zeppelin Hall is extremely reasonably priced, completely unpretentious, and has lots of sausage. However, it recently opened, and of course, is working out some kinks. So here are my suggestions.

1. Take down the fence so that I can stare at strangers on the Light Rail as they pass by, and also, Lady Liberty's butt.

2. More fake houses. Can I live in one? It'll just be for pretend. But seriously, can I live there?

3. Please add a beach. Just dig it out of the harbor. Oh god, I want a beach so bad I started burrowing out under the fence towards the river. I got you started. Just finish. If every patron at Zeppelin Hall just clawed a few feet out every day, I'd get my beach in no time.

4. PLEASE ADD ANIMATRONIC GERMANS. I love robots, especially when they wear lederhosen. They don't need to sing or dance, but they could.

5. More noise. The people who bought condos in Liberty Harbor deserve it.

As I've state above, what I want most of all are Bavarian robots. All of my friends and my dog agree.

But besides that, I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together.

I love you, Zeppelin Hall.

Thursday, July 2, 2009


If you love Jenga as much as I do, this will make you squeal.

Saturday, July 4th, 2:00-5:00 pm
Beret's Simple Cafe
174 Coles Street
Jersey City, NJ

We have four Jenga Towers, but there can only be one Jenga Master. Before you go to your barbecue, stop by Simple and kick some Jenga ass.

$3 to play a game. Winner takes all. You won't get rich, but it'll be good, cheap fun.

We will also have Drenga (drunk Jenga). Cheap liquor specials for Drenga players.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Melicious Bottomvomit Tiny Preview and Mini BabyHole Promo

This is a tiny preview for my public access show. I can't tell if it's funny or scary. More at Automata Chino next Tuesday.

Melicious Bottomvomit Preview and BabyHole Mini Promo from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

New BabyHole Postcard

BabyHole got a fancy new postcard for it's fancy new summer season at Automata Chino.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I'm sick and so is my pubic access show.

I've been bed ridden for the past three days with either Swine Flu or Strep Throat. I hope it's the former, but if my larynx starts growing fur, I've got some antibiotics left over from my last UTI. Sometimes using Planned Parenthood as my primary health care provider just doesn't cut it, and it's times like these that I wish I had real healthcare. But at least my vag is covered.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was hoping to spend this week between jobs catching on on video editing and taking more tutorials, but my head's so foggy all I can do is sleep and complain.

I'm planning a prescreening of my pubic access show at BabyHole on June 30th at Automata Chino. Today I'm going to try to finish editing a baby goose montage and post it online, but first I'm going to lay down.

In the meantime, if you need a baby animal fix, you can look at the Jersey City's Live Peregrine Camera. I was addicted to it all weekend. The baby chicks look like they're wearing dresses! And best of all, they eat pigeons.


Sunday, June 7, 2009

My day at the Jersey City Cemetery

The cemetery on Newark Avenue will always have a place in my heart, and not just because I love dead people. I grew up a block away from it on 2nd Street. It's where I met my first shanty town hobo, Steve, where I went on my first date, and where I saw my first sacrificed animal (though not necessarily in that order). I never knew that the place I drank so much malt liquor behind had so much history, mostly because I never saw it in the daylight.

This wall was part of a fortification from the War of 1812. The holes were where cannons were, but I don't know about the weird doors on it. The website says that it was an "an active ammunition bunker and lookout point."

These are some pretty wild flowers that blanketed around the war debris.

Just in front of the wall is the Edge Mausoleum. It's pretty dilapidated, like most things in the cemetery, and if you look in the tiny hole on the door, it looks like it was decimated by grave robbers. But it's unique in that it is a brownstone mausoleum, which may be why it's not completely rubble yet. The Edge family was pretty big in Old Jersey City, and had one of the first manufacturing businesses in town: A gristmill.

Two different perspectives of it:

This hole is next to the mausoleum. It looks like some sort of chamber, but don't go spelunking in it by yourself because you will be crushed. Maybe it's part of the receiving area.

The current issue of Weird NJ, Issue #32, features the cemetery's receiving area. That's where they kept the bodies until the ground thawed and they could be buried in the spring. It also explores the underground tunnels and Underground Railroad connections. You can buy a copy from Grove Street Bicycles.

The Jersey City Cemetery Organization plans to restore it and actually give walking tours inside of it. As a matter of fact, they plan on restoring everything, the crumbled obelisks, the tunnels, the old mausoleums, the old picnic area, as well as making a museum in the old caretaker's house.

There were skylights on top of the reception area. Here's what remains of them. Be careful when you're walking around on top of it. The other skylights are holes, there's sharp debris, and the dirt slopes sharply.

The door of the receiving area had what looked like the remnants of duct tape or old paint in the shape of a cross. Forgive me for accidently deleting it. You can see it in Weird NJ. But the creepiest thing is the fallen tree in the shape of a cross in front of the door. Yikes!

There was lots of wildlife around there. There were fledgling birds in the grass. And groundhog holes to fall into. And tons of starlings, robins, and cardinals. A giant garter snake scared the crap out of me as four and a half feet of it disappeared under my feet into an invisible hole. One of the caretakers told me that they also have hawks and rabbits. If you go there, wear long pants because of the bugs, poison ivy and oak.

I couldn't get a picture of the cardinal. Unfortunately, the best picture I could get was this robin in the debris. If you squint you can see it in the middle.

Part of the cemetery was used as a dump. People would just throw their garbage over the wall. Because of that, and all the people who drink there at night, there's tons of artifacts lying around, especially vintage bottles. I found two bottles of something called "Hydrol," which looked like they were from the '40's or '50's. They had etchings on the side so you could keep track of the ounces you consume. I don't know what Hydrol is, and there's nothing about it online, but it sounds like it would fuck you up. I gave them to the caretaker for the museum that they're building. They could have a drunk display.

I also found a giant "Vibrator Unit." I didn't realize it was made by the Army until I took the pictures home and blew them up on my screen. According to the cemetery's website, it says that the military trained there during World War I and World War II. Maybe this vibrator unit helped defeat the nazis...with orgasms.

This is Mr. Gammel and his wife's headstone. He was the first interment at the cemetery in 1830, but I don't know where the accompanying gravesite is. The stone was resting against another one. The inscription is supposed to be very nice, but I couldn't make it out.

Here was one of my favorites stones, because of the inscription. Though I couldn't find any dead people with a sense of humor here (unlike the cemetery at Key West), at least these people were a little bitter about dying. The Draytons were also pretty big in Jersey City back in the day, but I'm not sure for what.

These headstones were just neat.


Whyte. It's shaped like a log!

And Stone, which looks like an upside down penis. This is an example of the hundreds of fallen obelisks on the grounds.

I'm going to volunteer at the cemetery to help them dig things up. If you go there, and find anything cool, make sure you tell the caretakers and give it to them for the museum. I know they need lots of volunteers with all different skill sets. And if you know anything about it, or anyone who's buried there, make sure you tell them too, so they can piece the history together.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Exciting BabyHole News!

I've been trying to blog for the past week or two, but Verizon hates me and won't let me put up pictures from my trip to the Jersey City Cemetery. I found a giant Vibrator Unit from World War II there and I can't even brag!

Anyway, as you've read, BabyHole is supposed to be on a lazy summer vacation. But that's a lie. It's true that I wanted to take a break, but no one will let me. Jersey City, I didn't know you cared so much!

BabyHole is moving to Automata Chino at starting June 30th. And we'll be biweekly, too.

I love doing the show at the Lamp Post, but Automata Chino has a projector screen so that I can show videos. It also has a stage. Classy!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Almost done with the Public Access Show!

And by "almost done," I mean it'll be about a month.*

I'm going to catch up on editing today and there's only a few things left to shoot. I'm going to hype up my "Give Melissa Surach an Award" Campaign, and I'll be shooting it. Don't be surprised if you see me at City Hall protesting the fact that I've never been nominated for an award from the city.

(By the way, if you want to be in my crowd of "protesters," it'll be tons of fun and I'll buy you pizza).

I also need sponsors so that I can broadcast it statewide. Contact me if you'd like your 30-second commercial to air or a shout out. If you don't have a commercial, I'll shoot it for super cheap.

If you don't trust me and think that my show will be horrible, take a look at some of the rough cuts of sketches that will be on it:

Hey! It's Jersey City. Jersey City Pride. from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

Talkin' to Important People Interview with Steve Fulop from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

*In general, it takes about a month to shoot a 3-minute-long sketch, but sometimes much longer. The last one took about 5 or 6 weeks, but it includes dancing, puppies and kids.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

BabyHole Season coming to an end

BabyHole's going to get lazy over the summer. We'll only be doing monthly shows June-August.

Why? Because I am super busy and I don't have enough time to devote to it as I should. And being lazy and unorganized doesn't help.

I'm working three jobs, taking a class, trying to finish my public access show and renovating my kitchen. I'm behind on my classwork, getting confused about booking BabyHole, scambling to finish editing/shooting the public access show, and as for the kitchen, I've been living on pizza for a month and may have lead poisoning. I blame the jobs. Why can't my life pay me money?

So summer seems like the perfect time to take a BabyHole break.

Tonight's the second-to-last show and it's going to be good. I'm not hosting, but I'll be hanging around.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Jersey City 2009 Candidate Endorsements

I'm endorsing the candidates last minute because I was waiting to interview them for my show and I would then make a decision based on how nice they were to me and the gifts they would bring me. However, either they told me I would get an interview and then reneged (Mayor Healy) or ignored me entirely (everyone besides Dan Levin).

Here are my endorsements for the 2009 Jersey City Election. I'll start with the Wards that no one cares about:

Ward A - Greenville
Greenville is known for its high murder rate and open air heroin deals. It's where my dad's side of the family is from, though they moved to the suburbs before they had an opportunity to be shot.

For this ward, I endorse Andre Richardson, an independent. I'm endorsing Mr. Richardson because he is a sexy black man, and Greenville needs more of that.

Ward B - Greenville/Westside (I guess)
I call this area Chromium Land.

All of these candidates seemed pretty terrible, so I'm just going to endorse the incumbent, Phil Kenny, on Healy's ticket.

Ward C - Journal Square
Journal Square is known for the PATH Station, Journal Square. Also, there's tons of haunted areas around here--haunted by both ghosts and homeless people with mental illnesses. It also has the most delicious neighborhood in town, India Square.

For this ward, I endorse Norrice Raymaker (One Jersey City) on Levin's ticket. I'm endorsing her because she loves puppies and so do I.

Ward D - The Heights
The Heights is known for it's absolute lack of anything to do at night and everyone that's from there dresses like it's 1995.

I'm endorsing James Carroll on the Manzo ticket because he seems like the candidate least likely to kill someone/die.

Ward E - Downtown
Downtown is known for its whiny yuppies and high rent. It leads the waspification of Jersey City. It's where I grew up, and it's where my mom's side of the family is from when part of it used to be a Polish ghetto (so I'm told).

i'm endorsing incumbent Steve Fulop, an independent, because he gave me an interview and I want to see his balls.

Ward F - Bergen Lafayette (I guess)
Bergen Lafayette is known for its gang turf wars, Chinese restaurants that sell cigarettes and crack pipes, and just being a general mess of murder and I won't go there at night. (Greenville's pretty bad too, but at least it seems to be trying.)

This was hard because the problems facing Lafayette are like that of the 3rd world, with its high unemployment and poverty, high school drop outs, guerilla warfare and drug trade. I tentatively endorse Viola Richardson, the incumbent on Healy's ticket, because I just don't know what to do.

At Large
There are 13 candidates running for At Large and I think I get to vote for 3 but I'm not sure. I'm still watching video of the debates, but so far I'm leaning towards Emilio Delia on Dan Levin's ticket (One Jersey City).

I'm endorsing Dan Levin on the One Jersey City ticket. I endorse him because he seems to be the least corruptible and doesn't seem to be making any back door deals with evil people. Also, he gave me an interview. In this interview, I pretended the microphone was my penis and he laughed (though I think he was just being polite.)

However, I am willing to change my mind if anyone promises me an award. Here are some suggestions: The Prettiest Genius in Jersey City, The Most Beautiful and Smartest Humor Genius, or #1 Lady.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Greetings from my mailing list!

Hello everyone,

This was the email I sent out this morning:

BabyHole is canceled for tonight. But don't worry, it'll be back next week on May 5th with The McMickle Brothers and more.

BabyHole is going through some growing pains right now. It's changing. It might even get its period soon and act super bitchy. But don't get mad. It's blossoming. Just wait and see.

Here is one change to expect:

- The host. Would you like to host it? Be my guest. Sometimes I just need a night off for quality Melissa time. Email me if you're interested.

I'm also looking to book more bands. I don't know many guys in bands anymore since I stopped partying so much. So email me.



I'm shooting sketches for my public access show every weekend now and I pretty much always need extras. We can be stars together!

No pay, but I provide lunch and it's only for a few hours. Email me if you're interested.



My show will broadcast on Comcast NJ, throughout the entire state, not just Jersey City. How exciting! Sponsoring my show is a great way to reach thousands of customers in the area for very little money. If you don't have a commercial, I'll shoot it for cheap. Just sponsor me! Email me for rates.


So in conclusion, just email me.


Friday, April 24, 2009

I need extras tomorrow!

I'm shooting a sketch tomorrow and I need extras! It'll be for a few hours in the afternoon in Jersey City and I'll provide lunch.

The sketch is going to be part of my public access show and online.

Email me and I'll send you details.


Monday, April 20, 2009

BabyHole tomorrow night!

Tomorrow night will be an awesome BabyHole and if you don't come you'll probably have nightmares about all of the mirth you missed and ghost births.

BabyHole Open Mic
Tuesday, April 21st, 9:00 pm, free

Featuring stand up by Dan St. Germain, Aalep Patel and rock and roll band The Undoings. Plus about 8 open mic slots for stand up, sketch and musical comedy. Hosted by me.

The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

WTF Hollywood?

So there are FOUR movie sets around my house today. The furthest one is four blocks away.

It's for a pilot about nurses from Iraq, which is going to be a comedy drama?

I'm thinking about standing around and touching things until they start paying me to pull cord.

I really need a job.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009


Well, it's been a few months, hundreds of tutorials and a few false starts, but I finally finished my website.

It's not the prettiest website or most efficient website. Some parts are ugly and clunky. It'll be streamlined later on in the week or maybe in the year. I was just so excited about my CALENDAR CLEARANCE SALE that I had to burst it out and I can't be bothered with finishing sentences or projects or using words properly today.

Buy my calendar for half price. Only $6!

Just go to

Also, BabyHole is tonight. Some awesome comedians. Stand up by Rachel Parenta and Aalep Patel. Music by The McMickle Brothers. And about 8 open mic slots for sketch, stand up and musical comedy.

Tuesday, March 31st, 9:00 pm, free!
The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

Sunday, March 29, 2009

The Jersey City Independent

I've ridiculed the The Hudson Reporter and The Current's many faults, including the two-week old stories, typos and calendar mistakes, fluff stories about no-bodies and hacks, that they're basically real-estate classifieds, and the fact that they simply won't put "BabyHole" in their listings because it's too risque, which I think is stupid. What are we, Victorians?

(Meanwhile, I've been trying to get them to hire me as copy editor but they won't for some reason.)

And the Jersey Journal is a tabloid, but that's what we have left.

This city is closer to New York than Brooklyn, yet it is so much lamer. Why? Because the media (and local government and zoning laws) treats Jersey City people as barely literate babies with delicate sensibilities and no cognitive skills, reactionary and mobbish. And if you read, a prominent internet bitching forum, that would be true.

If you treat a city like a baby, it'll act like a baby. (I'm talking to you, JC media and government.) I'm a firm believer that you can tell a city's sophistication by its free periodicals. Have you ever gone on vacation and not picked up the local paper to find things to do? Well that's what I do. And if I picked up The Current, I'd be disappointed and spend the night in my hostel playing board games with Europeans. But then again, Jersey City doesn't have hostels or European tourists.

There's finally a real new source for this town, Jersey City Independent. Jersey City Independent is a triumph over the BS and fluff of the other papers. I don't know why it took so long to get a news source covering relevant stories, but we finally have one.

The only drawback is that it's online, and you can't just pick up one on the street. And yes, print is dead, but maybe they can get some sort of subsidy to mass distribute, maybe when tourism picks up or something. Maybe one day we'll be able to have our Village Voice or New York Press. Maybe in a hundred years.

Monday, March 23, 2009

BabyHole tomorrow night!

Hey everyone,

This is from my mass email:

Hello everyone,

Come and recess with us at BabyHole tomorrow night. It's the cheapest entertainment around. How cheap? $2 PBR pints cheap.

BabyHole Open Mic
Tuesday, March 24th, 9:00 pm, free

Featuring stand up by Matt Ruby, Mark Normand. Music by Saturn Returns, which has Colin Comstock, Roland Ramos and Chris Nyne as members, I believe.

Hosted by me, Melissa Surach.

The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

My trip to the secret beach in Liberty State Park and the swans

A few weeks ago, I went to my favorite part of Liberty State Park, the secret beach. I call it the secret beach because no one wants to go there or knows how to get there.

If only the Hudson River weren't so disgusting and polluted, I'd go swimming and oystering there like the Lenape did until the Dutch ruined everything.

Here's pictures.

These are some dead mussels and broken glass in the sand of the secret beach.

Here's a door I found. There were also 100 year-old bricks every where. And garbage, mostly broken glass. Parts of the beach smelled like sewer.

This is Dirty Dog. He loved the beach. He ran all over in circles peeing on things. He also kept eating things he found, but I could never figure out what he was eating and he'd swallow it too fast. I assumed it was dead mussels and he smelled like fish for a week afterward. His breath was horrendous.

On the way back to the car, we passed by the man made pond and saw these swans in it. Upon my research, I subsequently found out that they are married (swans are monogamous and mate for life) and nesting and will have swan babies in Liberty State Park in a few weeks!

When the swans saw us, they got close and closer. We were worried that they would attack us like geese and they looked like they wanted to eat our dogs. We got scared and left. Maybe they were just begging for food.

Stop Raping People 2009 Pictures

These are pictures from the Women's Day benefit we had at BabyHole a few weeks ago. Sorry it took me so long to post them. Iphoto stole them and wouldn't let me touch them for a while and my camera sucks. Everyone made fun of how big it was.

This is the Stop Raping People donations box and sign. At the end of the night, there was $151 dollars in it. Not very impressive, but 2.5 times what we made last year, which was a pitiful $61.

These are the open mikers hanging out before the show. BabyHole makes people friends!

This was the featured comedian Jessica Delfino. She hates rape. She commented that maybe the reason there weren't too many people at the benefit was because the it was called "Stop Raping People" and it was at a show called "BabyHole."

This was the featured band, The Demands. I believe they're playing Groove on Grove next month.

These are some friends hugging. BabyHole makes people hug!

So come to next year's Stop Raping People Benefit Show. You'll get friends, hugs and help people not get raped. All of the donations went to The Global Fund for Women and Women Rising, Inc.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Sausages and Limericks at tonight's BABYHOLE!

Tomorrow's BabyHole will be a rock-n-roll St. Patrick's Day let down. And by let down, I mean, cheer up because unlike every other bar in town, we won't have any bag pipes or douche bags in plastic green hats screaming.

Instead, tomorrow night at BabyHole we will have a LIMERICK CONTEST! And a SAUSAGEFEST CONTEST! And ROCK AND ROLL!

BabyHole Open Mic
Tuesday, March 17th, 9:00 pm

Featuring rock music by Crazy and the Brains. The winner of the Limerick Contest* gets a little bottle of Jameson. The winner of the Sausagefest Contest (the first woman to sign up) gets a bottle of champagne.

Don't forget that there's about 8 open mic slots.

*If you don't know what a limerick is, please google it.

The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Thanks to everyone for not Raping People!

Thanks to everyone who came out last night to Stop Raping People! BabyHole's International Women's Day Benefit. Attendance was low, just like last year. Apparently Jersey City is in favor of rape. What a surprise.

Still, the people who came donated and we raised 2.5 times what we did last year.

I wish I could put up pictures, but my camera is old and my computer is new and I don't know how to connect them yet.

What else am I up to? I'm still working on the website, and the public access show, and the ghost tour. Everything takes a long time because I'm a one woman industry and this woman is terrible at technology. Today I have to resize all of my images. How tedious!

The public access show should debut in April. I'm waiting to hear about my time slot. I'll have a big party for it or something.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Stop Raping People!

Stop Raping People!

A benefit for The Global Fund for Women and Women Rising, Inc.

Featuring rock music by The Demands, musical comedy by renowned dirty folk star Jessica Delfino and about 8 open mic slots. Hosted by Melissa Surach.

The first woman to sign up for the open mic gets a bottle of champagne.

BabyHole Open Mic
Tuesday, March 10th, 9:00 pm, suggested donation $5-$8*
The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

*If you're going to be a cheapie peepee and not come because you don't want to pay, just show up anyway and drink. The more money the bar makes, the more money I get to donate to the charities.

Monday, March 2, 2009

BabyHole tomorrow night!


I'm super busy with everything and have horrible organizational skills. So I'm only posting this for BabyHole tomorrow night.

BabyHole Open Mic
Tuesday, March 3rd, 9:00 pm, free!

Featuring country rock by The Poconos, stand up by Jamie Lee and Emily Epstein. And about 8 open mic slots. Hosted by me, Melissa Surach.

The Poconos
Jamie Lee
Emily Epstein

The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Melissa Gras Tonight!

Hey every​one,​

Screw​ Mardi​ Gras tonight​.​ Come celeb​rate me and masks​ inste​ad!​

Melis​sa'​s BabyH​ole Birth​day Masqu​erade​!​
Tuesd​ay,​ Febru​ary 24th,​ 9:00 pm, Free

Featu​ring the House​ of Leave​s and more!​ About​ 8 open mic slots​.​

If you don't have a mask, I'll have extras of my face for everyone to wear.

The Lamp Post
382 2nd Stree​t
Jerse​y City,​ NJ

Sunday, February 22, 2009

So what's the deal with your Ghost Tour, Melissa?

I love going on Ghost Tours and sometimes plan my vacations around them. Sometimes my traveling companions are jerks and don't let me go because they think it'll be stupid, but I always enjoy them. My favorites were in Chicago and Key West. My least favorite was Beaufort, North Carolina, because they tricked us. While telling a story in the cemetery, they blew an air horn to scare us. What a dirty trick!

Since Jersey City doesn't have a ghost tour, I'm developing one for it. I've done a lot of research at the library. I've read every Weird NJ, newspaper clipping, NJ ghost book, and contacted some NJ Paranormal Societies as well as JC Landmarks Conservancy. I've looked at every unsubstantiated website too, which was very tedious and frustrating.

Though there's lots of horror stories in Jersey City, there's very little information on ghosts. However, I've pretty much mapped out the locations I'll include, and I'll start doing in-depth research. I plan on doing this by researching the particular sites, including the families or inmates or deaths and building histories and conducting interviews with people who work or live there. I already have some old maps.

But I need your help. Do you have any personal experiences with ghosts in Jersey City? Have you seen, heard or felt something in Jersey City? Please let me know. Can I interview you? We won't have to let your name out if you don't want to.

I plan on conducting the first tour in March or April, when the weather gets nice enough.

Thank you,
Melissa Surach

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Did you see a ghost? Do you live with a ghost? Are you married to a ghost?

I'm working on my Jersey City Ghost Tour and I could use your help.

If you've had a paranormal experience in Jersey City, please let me know about it. I might include your story on my tour! I won't use your name if you don't want me to. Me and my ghostie friends will investigate your haunted house, too.

I'm especially interested in stories at or around these sites: The Beacon/The Old Jersey City Medical Center, McGinley Square (especially around the Reformed Church or cemeteries), The Courthouse, The Hudson River, The Palisades, The Jersey Journal building, The Jersey City Cemetery and Dead Man's Tunnel, and anything around Paulus Hook.


Thursday, February 12, 2009

Happy Valentine's Day!

So this is a sketch I made for Valentine's Day. You can vote on it if you think it's funny.

Can you tell that I did everything? It took a long time and reshooting because I'm bad at lighting, and especially judging how it looks in the view finder.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Jersey City Ghost Tour!

Hey everyone,

I'm starting a Jersey City Ghost Tour in March, when the weather gets nicer. I'll also do a folklore/local legend tour.

Right now I'm working on catching up with all this fancy technology and working on the website and research.

If you have any Jersey City ghost stories, email me and you'll be the best.


Monday, February 2, 2009

BabyHole tomorrow night! Superbowel!

Go sports! Thanks for coming out to BabyHole. This is just a quick reminder that tomorrow night's another SuperBowel.

BabyHole Open Mic
Tuesday, February 3rd, 9:00 pm, FREE!

Featuring reggae jam by Roland Ramos.

Stupid poetry by Saint Patrick.

It's like a Waterbug reunion except less violent. Let's hope no one tries to rip my nose off.

We also have about 8 open mic slots. Last week the open mic list filled up before I even got there. Yowzers!

Hosted by me, Melissa Surach.

The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

About five blocks from the Grove Street PATH station.

Monday, January 26, 2009

BabyHole's Winter Schedule

So I finally got BabyHole's Winter Poster together. It's late because my computer was in the shop and my internet didn't work. I'm almost all caught up on my stuff now.

Feel free to print it and put it on your wall. Then you'll always know when to come to BabyHole!

BabyHole tomorrow night!

Hello everyone,

Tomorrow night's another great big old BabyHole.

BabyHole Open Mic
Tuesday, January 27th, 9:00 pm, Free!

Featuring rock and roll band Plowing Mud Forever. Here's one of their music videos:

Stand up from Sean O'Connor. This is his picture.

Sketch from God Tastes Like Chicken.

Hosted by Melissa Surach.

The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

Friday, January 23, 2009

My old vacation

I went on a cruise over Thanksgiving and totally forgot to show everyone pictures of how much I hate the sun and I can't wait until it burns out.

This is what I looked like when I tried to open my eyes on the deck. It's too sunny in the ocean. Someone should plant some trees or something.