Sunday, December 30, 2007

Melissa Surach 2007 Calendar has been posted.

Ever wonder why I think I'm so great I have a calendar all to myself? The reason is that I'm the only model I can afford.

The final pictures from my 2007 Calendar have been posted on myspace and facebook. Look at them and you can see if you wanna buy the 2008 Calendar.

Friday, December 28, 2007

Facebook Vampires and Facebook Zombies

I still don't know how to use Facebook. My friend bit me and tried to make me a vampire and zombie at the same time. I don't know if I want to be either. I guess I'd rather be a vampire. My boyfriend believes in zombies and has nightmares and one time he tried to kill me in my sleep.

Facebook is emailist. It won't let me be in the McGill University network because I don't have a valid McGill email address even though there's a diploma on my wall. The only reason I can think of still having a McGill email address four years after graduation is being a big giant nerd. So I guess I'm glad I'm not associated with those losers.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

Larry The Cable Guy 2008 Calendar VS. Melissa Surach 2008 Calendar

My boyfriend gave me the Larry the Cable Guy "Git-R-Done Deer Huntin'" 2008 Calendar and stated that it was better than mine.

To this I responded, "Shut up."

Here is a list of comparisons:

-Larry the Cable Guy's Calendar makes money. Melissa's calendar lost $15 last year.

-The crux of Larry the Cable Guy's Calendar is killing animals. Melissa only kills herself.

-Many of the pictures in Larry's calendar are promos for movies he was in. Many of the pictures in Melissa's calendar were promos for the calendar she's in.

-Larry the Cable Guy's Calendar is cheaper and more durable than Melissa's and the design is more professional. It was also probably mass manufactured in China and available in Walmart. Melissa Surach's Calendar was manufactured by Melissa Surach and is available through Melissa Surach. It is printed locally at an independent printer in small batches. And I doubt Larry the Cable Guy wrote, designed or directed any of it.

-Larry's calendar features poorly or obviously Photoshopped graphics. So does Melissa's. But in many cases, Larry's clothes and accessories are added on like a paper doll. In fact, it looks like he was taken out of a movie and never even posed for a scene. Melissa owns two closets of costumes and is bad at Photoshop so she HAS to pose in a scene.

-Larry the Cable Guy's Calendar is 16 months. But four of those months are in 2007 and you have to look at a visually nearly-incomprehensible and unsatisfying joke of Larry sleeping while a deer eats his food. Melissa Surach's Calendar is 12 months and now she is thinking of adding a half-sized January with an adorable picture like this with a joke like, "This is how Polish people apply makeup. I mean, Polish babies." or something. I don't know I just thought of it now I'll come up with something better.
Maybe Larry's calendar IS better than mine. But he doesn't live below the poverty line.


Saturday, December 22, 2007

Wedding Balls

Last night I went with to a stranger's wedding.

Dressing myself, I realized that all of my clothes are hideous, cheap and ill-fitting. My New Year's Resolution is to stop getting my clothes from Grandma's gate sales.

My sisters now tell me that I dress like a 6-year-old girl, which is better than "6-year-old boy," which was last year's style.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Thursday, December 20, 2007

New sketches

So me and Rosie Rebel just started writing sketches. If things go accordingly, expect an entire sketch show about testicles in a month or so.

BlackHole: The Resurrection

Blackhole was the first comedy show I produced, and it got me fired from Maxwell's and got me sent hatemail, and did wonders for my self esteem, etc. I moved it to 58, but it's been on hiatus since the cops kept busting them.

But I talked to Dancing Tony last night and he told me that 58 is getting their paperwork in order and can have shows again.

It's been on hiatus since July, and I was about to give up on it and have a funeral. But now I can have a resurrection party, and maybe on the 2nd anniversary too.

The holidays are such a special time.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

My blog's most popular keywords

My blog's readers must have tons of guilt, nipples in their armpits, and open sores.

The majority of them read it from Newark. A close second is New York. Verity has read it at least 86 times. My mom has only read it maybe 6 times. Let's try to make that 0 next year, mom.

Over the past year, my blog's most popular keywords have been: Melissa Surach, Surach, Ghetto Trash, Butt Cast, Butt Pillow, and Pornographic Pictures.

Over the past month: Melissa Surach, Surach, Ghetto Trash, Hoboken Noise Ordinance, and Melissa Surach Cover.

Over the past week: Melissa Surach, Surach, Tiny Vag, "Flaming Fire" "Patrick," and "Richard Kirkwood" Jersey City.

Over the past 24 hours: Buy Clams Casino, Melissa +Surach, Melissasurach, My Last Myspace Survey, and Myspace Survey Masturbate.

Other popular search keywords included Open Sores Pictures, Girl's Armpit Stubble Pictures, and BabyHole.

Ones that made me think about my content were Armpit Nipple, Cuntalina, Melisa Little Mutt, Testicular-Poetry, Where is my life going?, Peed in my Hair, Two Pounds of Cheese, Abortion Pics of Babies, Acne Versus Herpes on Face Pictures, Baron Vaughn is an Asshole, Can a dog get HPV?, Fear of Saran Wrap, Flies on Ethiopian Faces, Dread Pussy, Ghetto Puss, Horrible Smell in Pants, Herpes Guilt, Nut Butt, Scabby Dog Nipple, and there were also tons of Blood Blisters inquiries.

This is probably the kind of blog post that is only interesting to me.

Monday, December 17, 2007


I joined Facebook like two weeks ago but I don't know how to use it. Will it drive me to the doctor's office?

Winter had a negative affect on my hygiene. Or does it?

It's too cold to get out of bed. It's too cold to shower. It's too cold to walk my dog.

I just got out of bed a half an hour ago. I haven't showered since Thursday. Dirty will be using a Wee Wee pad at night until March.

I'd be a lot more motivated to move if I actually had heat in my house instead of one space heater.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Merry Christmas, Clams Casino!

Well this week the ecny awards nominees came out and I thought that a bunch of them were crap. Especially for flier design, but also for most of them. I still voted.

This month I've been taking it easy doing shows so I can finish working on my calendar. It's been very slow going, and I've been accused of being lazy. It's not just that, it's because I live below the poverty line and I can't buy all the props. YOU KNOW PUSSY'S EXPENSIVE!

Another problem I have is that it's hard to shoot outside in 25 degrees in cheap, stained, ripped underwear when you're halfway sick. Poor people have chronic illnesses you know.

The Melissa Surach 2008 Calendar Release Party is scheduled for January 8, 2007 at Toy Eater's. The new calendar's half-sized, so it'll be cheaper than last year's. It will have more writing--it's going to be a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure.

I'm really excited for Christmas. My boyfriend and I are going to Atlantic City. I've never been there before. I want to gape at the prostitutes. Remember when they had that serial killer last year?

ATLANTIC CITY.(It wouldn't let me embed.)

(It would only let me embed this one which does not express the despair of the soul and dilapidation of cultural centers that is the New Jersey spirit as accurately.)

Sunday, December 9, 2007

I'm sick in the head...

...because I have a head cold.

I can't stop coughing and I have a headache and sore throat and I feel so bad I have to take NyQuil tonight to go to sleep...

I mean slightly abuse NyQuil...

I mean purposely over dose on the generic night flu medication made in China from Fenny Pharmacy on Newark Avenue.

Jen sent me this graphic today...

...for her show in Brooklyn. I think that usually her face goes in the circle.

Her website is

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

$1 shot in the stomach night

Last night at the bar I work at I introduced my Cheap Shots Menu.

There were 30 different shots, from Afterbirth to Washington Apple, that you could get for $1 and $5 for 7 shots from 7 pm to 8 pm. Then after 8 pm, they were $2.

The people who DID try them said that they weren't nearly as disgusting as they thought they'd be, and that they were in fact pretty tasty.

Obviously, I had to try them all to make sure I knew how to make them right and got their recipes right.

Obviously, now I have a stomach ache from the sugar in all the liqueurs.

Oh Razzmatazz!

Monday, December 3, 2007

Sloe Gin Special

Well, no one responded to my original "Sloe Gin and other Disgusting Liqueurs Special" promotion at the bar I work at.

I was selling drinks with gross liqueurs that are usually only served in shots ordered by frat boys for cheap. Had anyone ordered a Sloe Gin Fizz, they probably would have gotten it for a dollar or a smile.

Anyway, I'm making a drink menu and specials menu for the bar I work at. I'll put it up tomorrow. We'll have holiday specials, hot drinks for winter, an Old Man Drink Menu, and shots specials for a dollar or two, and cheap margaritas.

I'll definitely be selling cheap shots tomorrow.