Friday, July 17, 2009

Answer my prayer?

This is a plea for sponsors for my show, Melicious Bottomvomit.

Melicious Bottomvomit Sponsor Prayer from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Stop being a jerk.

Dear MTA,

You are a jerk. Several months ago, after a very long work day, I rushed to get to class on time. But when I tried to refill my card, your stupid machine ate my money.

I spent the next half hour trying get the machine open to retrieve my money. It wouldn't have been that big of a deal, except that all the other machines were broken, as well as my trust in you.

The Port Authority agents were very helpful and attentive after the initial 10 minutes while they watched me scramble around in panic from a distance. I couldn't jump the turnstile because it was rush hour, and the wave of immigrants in the opposite direction was very aggressive, and also, the agents were watching me with their soulless eyes.

The agents stayed with me while they found the officer who had complaint forms. He was diddling around somewhere. Finally, I was given a number to call so that I could fill out a form via phone. However, I think that the man who tele-filled it for me made a mistake, because today I got a letter, 2 months later, that you found my claim to unsubstantiated, unless I provide a receipt. I do not have a receipt because the machine was broken and I filled out the complaint form over the telephone, so I don't have a copy. Neither did you send me one so I can verify the details. I don't remember the exact date, or machine number, so you can go fuck yourself.

I hate you and hope that you die. I plan on buying a rowboat for my commuting needs from now on.


Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Melicious Bottomvomit Setbacks and Hugs

Most people are tired of hearing about my public access show, "Melicious Bottomvomit," and doubt that it will ever air. Those people are stupid, because they could just come to BabyHole and watch the uncensored previews. Last night I screened almost the entire first episode.

The screenings are going over very well, and every hugs me afterwards. But because of all these hugs, and the laughter, I've encouraged myself to submit it to festivals. Some of the festivals have restrictions, like not broadcasting while the festival's going on. And that reminds me, I need an ethnic director or producer.

So, the show may be delayed, but hopefully will be available online. I need to do research. Maybe it won't be festivalable at all.

All I know is that I want some awards.

Monday, July 13, 2009

My Letter to the Editor

Please pick The Reporter out of your garbage can today. There's finally something worthwhile to read in it--My Letter to the Editor. You're welcome, Mr. Obama!

However, if the garbage men already took it away or your bird already pooped on it, here's the link: Where's my Award?

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

The Biergarten

Congratulations to me, I just got married!

Thanks everyone. Feel free to send me presents. I just got married to Zeppelin Hall, the new beer garden in my neighborhood, which, coincidentally, is also where we're registered.

Zeppelin Hall is extremely reasonably priced, completely unpretentious, and has lots of sausage. However, it recently opened, and of course, is working out some kinks. So here are my suggestions.

1. Take down the fence so that I can stare at strangers on the Light Rail as they pass by, and also, Lady Liberty's butt.

2. More fake houses. Can I live in one? It'll just be for pretend. But seriously, can I live there?

3. Please add a beach. Just dig it out of the harbor. Oh god, I want a beach so bad I started burrowing out under the fence towards the river. I got you started. Just finish. If every patron at Zeppelin Hall just clawed a few feet out every day, I'd get my beach in no time.

4. PLEASE ADD ANIMATRONIC GERMANS. I love robots, especially when they wear lederhosen. They don't need to sing or dance, but they could.

5. More noise. The people who bought condos in Liberty Harbor deserve it.

As I've state above, what I want most of all are Bavarian robots. All of my friends and my dog agree.

But besides that, I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together.

I love you, Zeppelin Hall.

Thursday, July 2, 2009


If you love Jenga as much as I do, this will make you squeal.

Saturday, July 4th, 2:00-5:00 pm
Beret's Simple Cafe
174 Coles Street
Jersey City, NJ

We have four Jenga Towers, but there can only be one Jenga Master. Before you go to your barbecue, stop by Simple and kick some Jenga ass.

$3 to play a game. Winner takes all. You won't get rich, but it'll be good, cheap fun.

We will also have Drenga (drunk Jenga). Cheap liquor specials for Drenga players.