Sunday, June 24, 2007

Sometimes I think I'm a Doctor

I've been drinking soy milk instead of cow's milk for several months now. I switched because it's healthier, it lasts longer so I don't drink curdled milk as much by accident, and I thought the estrogen would help me curb excess hair. I have a strong hair gene and sometimes the hairs make people uncomfortable.

I've lost 13 pounds, I'm starting to get hips, and my right boob got bigger. Hopefully the left one will catch up before I look ridiculous. I almost look like a teenager. I certainly dress like one! This look is affected by my clothes, which are mostly from highschool.

I've also taken to adding St. John's Wart to iced tea to curb my suicidal tendencies. It's been working pretty well. Commercials don't upset me and I don't get broken hearts from, say, Ghost Whisperer or Animal Cops, anymore.

Used consistemtly, it stabilizes my mood, and I haven't curled into a ball for two weeks, except for Friday, when three awful things happenned and my life fell into shambles. But I'm okay now. You can stop worrying about me, but I'd still like you to buy me drinks and I'd still enjoy your pity.

A Fucking Korn Song?

This is a joke I just edited:

Q: What does ADIDAS stand for?
A: All Day I Dream About Sex.

Now, I know it's just a job, and that it's not my responsibility to judge whether they are funny or not, but a Korn song from 1994 that only posers liked? Are you kidding me?

Sometimes my job makes me want to kill the 90's, but they're already dead.

And another thing: Thursday-Friday were the worst 24 hours of my life, romantically, financially, and professionally, in that order. They can be summed up as: Abe Being Shit Head Again And Shouting At Me In The Street Like We're In A Trailer Park, No Money For Three Weeks, and Cops, Cops, Cops!

I think that Korn should write a song about me, but it would probably suck and only posers would like it.


Saturday, June 23, 2007

My Last Myspace Survey

In general, I feel that surveys should be of one's property and not one's personality. But sometimes they are a distraction from thoughts of suicide.

I posted this survey for Judy:

Hey Judy! What's so great about giving up on life? $450.50

The value of giving up on life: invaluable.

I am at home on a Friday night because I have given up on life. This survey seemed to me that it would entertain Judy if I filled it out. If you read the directions, you'll notice that I didn't follow them. I made a better version, and it's also therapy for self-hatred.

Old, Stupid, Bad Directions:
This is fun to do. Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine. Title your bulletin "My Bar Tab is $........" You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.

Melissa's Directions:
Give reasons for why you do things. Everyone cares about my motivations.

Smoked pot -- $10
Self-medication for depression, but since I've been unemployed and broke, I just get poorer and sadder and have less and less pot.

Did acid -- $5
Sometimes I wish I could spray acid on your ugly face and kill you.

Ever had sex at church -- $25

Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $40
I don't even know myself, much less that Dirty Dog!

Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Like message sex? Who cares.

Had sex for money -- $100
I've been paid to stop.

Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20
Puerto Ricans are rapists. Right Judy?

Vandalized something -- $20

Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
No one has sex on my parents's bed.

Beat up someone -- $20
Do babies count?

Been jumped -- $10
By two sexy teenagers!

Crossed dressed -- $10
Sometimes, my male acquaintances tell me that it makes them uncomfortable when I draw a beard on my face and take pictures of myself in masculine positions and show them to them in bars.

Given money to stripper -- $25
To get an education, whore!

Been in love with a stripper -- $20
I usually just pity them and spray them with Febreeze.

Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$10
Name one. I can't.

Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $15
No, everyone at my job is a fucking DYKE! And I work from home.

Ever drive drunk -- $20
I don't drive. I have an intern to do that, and she borrows my mother's car.

Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
If I'm not drunk, it's not working.

Used toys while having sex -- $30
Boys ARE toys.

Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
It's the only way I can sleep at night. I'm afraid of the past!

Went skinny dipping -- $5
Hey everyone, who wants to see my vaj mahal tomorrow?

Had sex in a pool -- $20
Once I almost did it with this really gross guy in Florida when I was really desperate. Back then, I had also given up on life, and when I saw that Miama trash boner, I thought, "Maybe this will raise my self-esteem by 2 points." But it didn't.

Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Only relatives.

Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
What sex is a pillow? How about a stump?

Cheated on your significant other -- $10

Masturbated -- $10
I masturbate to the idea of, one day, losing my virginity. My food allergy virginity.

Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Only with relatives.

Done oral -- $5
Do babies count?

Got oral -- $5
Usually, only if the guy has a small penis that he's ashamed of and is hiding it for as long as possible.

Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25
I've never even known a guy who owned a car.

Stole something -- $10
Why is your boyfriend such a pussy all the time?

Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Only if he was on Death Row. I hate "callers."

Made a nasty home video -- $15
Every video I've made looks like shit.

Had a threesome -- $50
Yes! Self-Hatred, Self-Pity, and Self-Hatred.

Had sex in the wild -- $20
Like a bed? That's crazy! I usually do it on broken bottles and AIDS.

Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25

Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
Like a baby?

Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Unfortunately, yes. Eeew.

Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
I may be 26 right now, but I know what time the schools gets out!

Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
I want to kill everyone all the time.

Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
No, but I use the "H" word a lot.

Went streaking -- $5
Almost. I've been showing my boobs more and more in hilarious situations. If I go to the Mermaid Parade tomorrow, they're gonna be blue.

Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
If I go to the Mermaid Parade, I'm gonna wear my vagina on the outside!

Been arrested -- $5
No, there was too much shooting.

Spent time in jail -- $15

Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Yes. That's why it turned green.

Played spin the bottle -- $5
When I was a baby.

Done something you regret -- $20
I regret everything.

Had sex with your best friend >-- $20

Had sex with someone you work with at work --$25
Eew. No. I work from home.

Had anal sex -- $80
Everything I do is the opposite of anal.

Lied to your mate -- $5
Yeah, when I said, "It's over!"

Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25
They know when they fail.

Tally it up and Title it, "My Bar Tab Is $...."

Melissa says, "Just put a number somewhere."

Friday, June 22, 2007

Abe Is Such A Fetus

And not only a fetus, but one of those retarded ones that should be destroyed. He's also gay.

Abe blew up at me last night in the street. I think what set him off was that I said something about him being dressed like a film industry loser. And he was.

He was wearing an oversized button down shirt with horses on it, unbuttoned over a T shirt, kind of like how people did 10 years ago. His pants were tight under the billowing shirt. And he was wearing big sunglasses on his head at 1:00 am in a bar.

I didn't even want to talk to him, but he kept on trying, and I was very drunk and he asked me to take a walk with him and smoke a blunt. So we started walking, and soon he was shouting awful things at me in the street and never even lit me up. Why are the Heights so white trash?

I can't believe I blew off this other guy to go for a walk with him. I'm such a stupid, awful person.

Saturday, June 16, 2007

Blood Blisters, My New Pets

Blood blisters aren't a street gang! They're a feet gang, and they look like this:

That's not my foot, but it could be yours.

I spent most of today tending to my blisters. I had a blood blister on my toe, and a larger, quarter-sized half-clear blister on my ankle, another one on my tattoo, and some smaller ones on the tops of my feet.

If blisters were currency, I bet right now I'd be able to buy some.

The reason I have so many blisters is that I buy my shoes from CH Martin or Fabco. Also, a spider lives in my dresser and bites my feet when I sleep. And when I wear sandals in the park, things bite my toes.

Since the blood blister was black when it used to be clear, I thought it might be infected with staph and so I popped it to release the infection. That's how people did medicine in the middle ages.

When I was looking for a picture of a blood blister, every article I read said NOT to pop blisters, ever, because they're sterile inside but easily grow staph cultures once punctured.

Sometimes I forget that I'm not a doctor.

One thing you should not do is put hydrogen peroxide on a blister. I did that. I had a blister that popped itself, and I applied peroxide to it. The blister refilled itself with peroxide bubbles, turned opaque, and hissed at me.

At least with a tumor, people care about you. I bet if I had a tumor instead of a blister, more people would read my blog.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

The Best Joke I've Heard All Week

What's white and flies across the sky?
The coming of the lord.

I think I need drugs to work.

Thursday, June 7, 2007

My New Job

I've edited 400 jokes today, all of which go something like this:

Homer Simpson's Favorite Ice Cream
Q: What is Homer Simpson's favorite ice cream?

A: Chocolate-chip cookie DOH!

Or this:

The Squirrel Joke That I Don't Understand
A little boy squirrel and a little girl squirrel were chattering and playing around when up comes a fox.

The girl squirrel dashed up a tree, but the boy squirrel stayed on the ground.

"That's strange," said the fox. "Usually squirrels are afraid of me and run to the nearest tree."

"Listen, bud," replied the boy squirrel, "Did you ever try to climb a tree when you were in love?" AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, THAT'S THE PUNCHLINE.

I think that my new job is ruining my sense of humor. Yesterday, Judy said, "My calves are starting to get stretch marks," and I said, "What have you been feeding them?"

I wrote 100 jokes about Microsoft Window 98 and 75 about Bill Gates earlier this morning.

Monday, June 4, 2007

Thing's I've Done This Week

May 30th.

Last week's BlackHole on May 30th was the best one I've ever put on in Jersey City, and one of the best one ever in all time. I wanted to stuff it into my vagina and save it forever. This was the lineup:

Mike Burns
Sue Ball
Baron Vaughn
Stuckey and Murray
And I hosted.

I realized my keyboard is a mighty force to be reckoned with and I may be too weak to reckon with it. But, as long as I have my intern, my little sister Stephanie, and as long as my intern has my mom's car, I can barely do it.

I shot BlackHole for the first time. I haven't seen any of it yet and I don't know if anything is useable because the sound and light was questionable, but I plan on splicing some of that material in with sketches and other filler and making an episode out of it. But I don't have any pictures, so if you have some, can you send them to me?

June 1st.

Last Friday, June 1st, was JC Friday and I did Art House's Late Nite Curiosities show. I brought my keyboard and wore a costume. I was dressed like a corny tap-dancing eight-year-old who was kind of slutty and from the future. Here's the only picture I have. You can send me more if you have any. There was an angel on the stage with me that night.

It was a creepy variety show and the best show in Jersey City I've ever seen, besides my shows.

June 1st.

Also, on June 1st, I got a job. I'm a joke editor for website that I think sends spam and all the jokes are in the public domain, so they're really old and mostly about animals. I've edited about 250 jokes today. The most contemporary ones were about Elian Gonzalez and Monika Lewinsky.

June 2nd.

On Saturday I had a class graduation performance thing. Then I went to a Barbecue on Duncan Avenue with Judy. Patrick and Kate from Flaming Fire threw it. Judy was afraid to walk home with me because I'd forgotten to wear a bra that day and I had on a tube top and I was so white, but we got along okay. Then we watched TV reruns and I slept over Judy's, waking up early to get home to Dirtpie.

June 3rd.

I sat around getting used to my new job's interface. Then I slept over my parent's house because it was raining too much and Dirty won't walk in the rain.


Oh, and I made this for you, Abe.

Friday, June 1, 2007


This is a picture of my new dog Dirrty or Dirtpie. Phyllis took it when we were drinking on Verity's stoop last Sunday. I look like a very young Polish man.