Saturday, October 24, 2009

Greetings from behind the Iron Curtain!

Tonight's my last night in Poland and I'm shit faced on elderly Polish people. We're staying with my great aunt and I've met literally thousands of 100-year-old Polish relatives, and seen more photos of dead ones.

I didn't really get a chance to party because old people were stuffing me with cured meats the entire time and would get hostile if I refused. In 4 days, I gained 10 pounds. I plan on fasting on twigs when I get back. I'm also looking for a Master Cleanse buddy, if anyone's interested. And I plan on fasting from old Polish people (this means you, grandma).

I'm going back to Berlin tomorrow. Hopefully, I won't be too flatulant to hang out with people who are young and ambulatory. I think I caught arthritis from someone, and I smell like my grandpa did before he died. I need to figure out how to ditch my mom and follow some German boys around. I hope they like the smell of salami.

Here's some highlights from my trip (itinerary Berlin, Warsaw, Krakow, Gdansk, Berlin).

1. You can't walk more than 10 feet without stumbling across a memorial/concentration camp. Also, I almost puked on Aushewitz by accident.

2. At a divey German soccer bar, I was flattered to notice a guy checking me out. After doing an extravagant Sexy American pose, I realized he was just making fun of my outfit with his friends.

3. Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage!

4. I learned how to make home made wine and am smuggling Spiritus to make my own licqueurs. Also, Vodka Party at my house! For one, because I have no friends.

5. I think I developed a goiter from all this cured meat. But it's nothing a mild case of gout can't strain out! Ha ha! LMFAO!

6. I found amber on the beach, or maybe I just have a pocketful of rocks. At least it got me out of the house.

I'll be back in Jersey City on Tuesday.


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p.s. Cabbage rocks, but be careful with that Master Cleanse stuff- paprika tears up the intestinal tract, and tends to make it difficult to absorb any food that you do decide to eat when you want to go back on solid foods.

You're probably better off sticking to just the lemon juice mixed with grapefruit and or orange juice and water, with maybe some sugar or the blood of your enemies thrown in for flavor. And no vodka! But who has time for that...

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