I can't believe they let me say "Nut Huggers"

Here's my latest Jersey City Independent article, a review of Art House's Murder on Ice.

As far as I know, it's the first theater review to use the term "nut huggers," and the first time a news source used it on purpose.

Gunshot cars outside my window

There's probably a car accident once a week at the intersection I live on. No big deal. Once a car caught on fire, and no one on the block was allowed out of their house while the fire department worked on it. But the fire cars aren't the worst part. Now it sounds like gun shots all the time. I'm trying to sleep you stupid cars!

There is a deep pothole on my street. It's small, a foot in diameter, and about 15 feet deep. The city finally tried to fix it, and put an orange plank bandaid over it. Now every time a car speeds down the block and bounces on the plank it sounds like gun shots. Or fireworks, when the plank is being pleasant. The pops echo throughout the block.  The sound is worse at night when I'm trying to sleep (like tonight), and I get jarred awake, and duck under my bedroom window to hide from the bullets.

I've found another reason to hate cabs. They're the worst culprits. Stop driving so fast! Watch out for the orange plank!

I'm a swamp walker

Today I went to my new bartending job at fine dining restaurant with exquisite food. It's located on a marina, in which lawyers and retirees who had lucrative careers reside, and frequented by people who live in million dollar homes in local gated communities. Unfortunately, I have to walk two miles through a swamp to get there.

My uniform consists of a tie, button-down shirt and khaki pants. I bleached out the stained men's shirt from the last button-down job I had, which I coupled with a pair of irregular children's sized khaki pants that I bought on special during a back-to-school sale. I bought the tie from the dollar store last week, and it broke today, so I safety pinned it after I spent an hour trying to figure out how to tie it this morning. However, despite my meticulous primping, it was all undone after walking two miles through a swamp in a rainstorm.

By the time I got to work, slipping on several drowned worms on the puddle-filled path, my shoes were soaked with swamp water and boat gas. My hair was blown out in frizzy red mop, and the skin on my face was blotched and wind chapped.

The most embarrassing portion of my attire was the pants, which were soaked up to my waist and translucent. I had to put my leg up on the sink for support as I spent 30 minutes trying to dry them against the hand dryer on the wall in the bathroom. A coworker walked in and I joked, "I got caught in the rain, I'm not trying to hump the wall or anything!" Since this is a new job, this person is a stranger. "Ok," she said, and backed out of the ladies room.

Unfortunately, unlike me, only two customers came into the restaurant due to the weather. My shoes were wet with swamp water for the rest of the day so I might have a fungus infection, and I made $2 in tips.

Loop Newsletter, based on Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop

Wanna subscribe to a newsletter? Well here's your chance. Subscribe to Loop. It's hilarious fiction, memoirs, and I write for it. Also, it's free. And it's based on Gwyneth Paltrow's blog, Goop.

The smartest cashier

I've been waiting for grad school rejection letters for months, and they've finally started rolling in. So far, Texas rejected me, but they are the only ones. New School accepted me with a scholarship, but the tuition is still more than my yearly salary. Johns Hopkins wait listed me--which is nice because they only accept 5 people, and I like feeling special. Creative Writing MFA here I come, and when I get it, I will be the smartest cashier in all the land.

Topless Waitressing, a Brave New Career

The bad news is that Barcade didn't hire me to be their bartender and I still work at my terrible job that makes me want to cut myself. The good news is that there's an abundance of Topless Waitressing Jobs on Craigslist just waiting for me to grace them with my beauty and servitude.

For many of these jobs, "All body types are accepted," and there's "No experience necessary." Many of them, like the one featured below, are part time--so you can pursue your dreams like going back to school or meth.

Part time female topless customer server (Lower East Side)

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Date: 2011-02-21, 10:14PM EST
Reply to: job-nrez6-2227569153@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

---

Part time adult server needed for customer service, must be at least 18 years old. This will start at part time on a Friday and Saturday evening. Apply ASAP as wanting to start this person on this weekend.

• Compensation: hourly, including tips
• This is a part-time job.
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

For the more conservative unemployed ladies, there's the "Coyote Ugly" rip off bar, like a cover band of a bar that became a movie. For this job, you have to wear "beach attire," and I'm pretty sure they don't mean an oversized Hawaiian shirt and mace.

$$$ Coyote Ugly Style Bar (No Exp Nec) (Man.)

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Date: 2011-02-22, 7:02AM EST
Reply to: see below

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Bartenders W or W/O Exp. we will teach you. Bartend in *BEACH ATTIRE for COYOTE UGLY TYPE BAR. Please have open availability and be willing to start ASAP. Please respond to (bobfp09@gmail.com)

• Location: Man.
• Compensation: At Interview
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

This job market sucks. Why don't you just rape me in the first interview?


Sometimes the ads just get straight to the point:

work legally as an escort (Midtown)

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Date: 2011-02-21, 9:40AM EST
Reply to: job-yshhe-2225996280@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

---

We are an escort company that has been around for years, and we are currently seeking new models. The job is extremely safe, due to the fact that we send professional, trained security personnel / drivers with you to each and every job. Our staff is very friendly and easy to get along with; we offer a great working environment. A lot of our business comes from repeat clientele. We are looking for women that are pretty and friendly. You must be beautiful and open-minded. This can be a part-time or full-time job and is perfect for students, dancers, models and others with a busy schedule. No drama queens wanted. We are looking for Caucasian, Eurasian and European fair skin Latinas women. Must have a beautiful figure, be well groomed, reliable, and prompt. The work shifts are for night time and are very flexible.



Please Reply with your:



-Name

-Age

-Phone (and a good time to call you)

-Attached picture(s)



You must send a picture in order to be considered! We will get back to you with more details.



No experience is necessa

• Compensation: 500-2000 a day
• This is a part-time job.
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Now I'm running late for my terrible job, and I don't have enough whiskey in my coffee to deal with the day. But at least--while I know my boss exploits and underpays me, I don't need to bring mace all the time and we have panic buttons.

But I'd probably make more money as a topless waitress.

A free spot in my Humor Class this Saturday!

There's a free spot in my Humor Class this Saturday, graciously donated by Paul Silverman. Email me for details. melissa-at-melissasurach.com.

Thanks Paul!

Study: Over 1 in 3 SAfrican Men Admit to Rape

Even though Jersey City makes me want to cut myself, at least I don't live in a place where people "rape out of boredom."

Jesus Christ South Africa! Get it together! Get some PSA's or something.

According to CBS, Over 1 in 3 SAfrican Men Admit to Rape.

Introduction to Humor Writing Intensive for Super Smart Nice People who are Great and Awesome Geniuses

Look I'm teaching this. Sign up so I can make you funnier. And then I can eat.


Do you love David Sedaris and Dorothy Parker? Want to be like them? Well now you can.

Art House presents Jersey City's first and only Humor Writing Class. In this introductory intensive workshop you'll learn the basics of how to write funny things, create new material and build on previous work.

Plus, I'll throw in a one-on-one feedback session for free.

We'll focus on writing for print but also watch TV to see how humor principles apply to performance and visual media and maybe one day you'll be famous. At the very least, you'll learn where to put jokes in your writing so it sells better.

It's the perfect holiday gift for loved ones or people that you think should be funnier.

Taught by Melissa Surach, the only person ever to have a a City Council resolution passed unanimously to honor her for Comedic Arts.

$60. Register at arthouseproductions.org via Pay Pal and note Humor Writing. Registration fee is $15 with the balance due by class.

If you register by January 1st you save $10, which makes the entire ordeal $50 the cheapest thing ever.

Take advantage of this low introductory offer because I'm going to make the next one really expensive.

Winter Beer and Books

Look at this thing I'm doing!

Come nerd out with us. Find out what to drink for the holidays!

Book House Cafe presents a winter beer tasting and book pairing.

Beer selections will include seasonals from Founders, Ommegang, New Jersey Beer Co., and 3 more that I haven't picked yet.

Book selections will include Holidays on Ice, Without Feathers, and Drinking, Smoking and Screwing. Maybe Melissa Surach will read from her new manuscript "Face Down in the Gutter: An Erotic Journey."

Suggested donation $10. RSVP to rafael.antonioni@gmail.com or Facebook. Book House is tiny!

Jersey City Magazine and the Weird List

I made the top ten "Biggest Weirdos in Jersey City List," a list compiled by chin-strapped artist and warehouse squat lord John Fathom. It was published in Jersey City Magazine last week.

Here's a link to the online pdf version, if you didn't find it on your stoop: http://www.hudsonreporter.com/pages/jersey_city_mag

I only regret that they censored my pube wig that I brought to the photoshoot. Also, they made me look like a drag queen--oh wait, I did that myself.

The most retarded couple I've ever served

This morning a couple walked into the high-end liquor store I work at.

Man: Yo, do you have Ace of Spades? The Jay-Z liquor.
Me: We have Ace of Spades champagne on the top shelf.
Man: It's Jay-Z's liquor right?
Me: I don't know if Jay-Z's the spokesman..
Woman: How much is it?
Me: $250 on sale. The rose is $450.
Man: Which one's better?
Me: The rose.
Woman: Can we taste it?
Me: No.
Woman: Why not?
Man: (pointing at Dirty Dog) What kind of dog is that?
Me: A mutt.
Man: Oh, there's a breed called Mutt?
Me: No.
Man: Because to us a mutt is a stray dog.
Me: Well, yeah.

Then they became inexplicably offended and stormed out. The worst part is they had a baby. I wish I could see its face to gauge how far apart its eyes were.

About expressing your rape feelings...

This is a video I made last year about clumsily dancing your feelings away. It's called Harbor Side Story and it was supposed to be part of Melicious Bottomvomit, which was unfortunately destroyed due to a mean ex boyfriend.



Harbor Side Story from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

This is what happens when you bite your butt too much

While I was on vacation last week, Dirty Dog took the opportunity to bite his butt off. This is what happens when you bite your butt too much.

He loves to have butt scabs like these for some reason, even though they don't seem comfortable.

Today we went to the vet and now he has a bald butt, a cone head and is on allergy medication. I don't think he likes the cone very much because he keeps bumping into things. And when he goes up stairs, the cone hits him in the face. I just hope he learned his lesson.

He's taking a week off of work at the liquor store, even though he now owes me $200.

BabyHole's Last Laugh

I'm reposting this from my email blast. Because it's kind of a BFD.


Hello friends and babies,

Thanks for coming out to BabyHole these past few years. Sadly, tomorrow night is our final show. That's right--Jersey City's longest running comedy show is almost dead.

We've had a pretty good run over the last three years--we shut down two venues, got raided, enforced restraining orders...And then there was the comedy. Oh, the comedy! But now it's time to grow up.

BabyHole's Last Laugh

Tuesday, May 25th, 10:00 pm, FREE!

Featuring country music by Cross Country All Stars. Stand up by Mark Normand. Roller skate spectacle/bra enthusiast Rosie Rebel. Sketch comedy by Upset Triangle. Plus, 6 open mic slots for stand up, sketch, musical comedy and funny videos.

Hosted by Mike Recine.

And as always, $2 pints of PBR. Then we'll all hug.

The Lamp Post

382 2nd Street

Jersey City, NJ

Not Yo Mama's Craft Fair

Not Yo Mama's Craft Fair, Jersey City's biggest and only craft fair, is tomorrow. It's the second time around for them, and this time there's booze and bands.

Here's a link to a story about it.

Join me there tomorrow. I hope to find home made self-esteem.

Adopt me!

These are the kittens I'm fostering for the next few weeks. I got them from the Liberty Humane Society . Look at how adorable I am!

Adopt us all! I need a loving home too. My walls are filled with hate.

So what if I'm a charity case?

I'm thinking about doing a charity event for myself. Is that wrong? I mean, I can afford beans, but it's so I can buy a new computer and finally finish my videos and the pilot episode of my show. Maybe I can be a write off. In the tax sense, not friend sense. I already know what that feels like.

I'm currently working between two 12-year-old computers, a Mac and a giant PC. There's a decade-old Photoshop on the tiny-screened Mac, and the PC keeps crashing. I can barely add attachments to my emails or photos to my articles, much less edit video. Wah wah wah!

By the way, if you'd like to read some of my latest Jersey City Independent Articles, you can go here: http://www.jerseycityindependent.com/author/msurach/

I just did my taxes, and with my refund I'm already half way there. The United States of America supports my cause. But would anyone else?

Keywords and blood blisters

Today the number one keyword in search engines hit reached my blog was "blood blister in peehole." I don't think I've ever blogged about blood blisters in peeholes, but maybe I should start.

How much is this bachelorette worth?

I'm honored to have just been asked to be a Bachelorette in Art House's upcoming find Bachelor/Bachelorette Fundraiser on April 17th. I'm still waiting to find out how much stage time I'll get to showcase my beauty, and more importantly, where I can find break away pants.

So how much will you bid on my? I'll throw in Dirty Dog too.