Saturday, May 9, 2009

Jersey City 2009 Candidate Endorsements

I'm endorsing the candidates last minute because I was waiting to interview them for my show and I would then make a decision based on how nice they were to me and the gifts they would bring me. However, either they told me I would get an interview and then reneged (Mayor Healy) or ignored me entirely (everyone besides Dan Levin).

Here are my endorsements for the 2009 Jersey City Election. I'll start with the Wards that no one cares about:

Ward A - Greenville
Greenville is known for its high murder rate and open air heroin deals. It's where my dad's side of the family is from, though they moved to the suburbs before they had an opportunity to be shot.

For this ward, I endorse Andre Richardson, an independent. I'm endorsing Mr. Richardson because he is a sexy black man, and Greenville needs more of that.

Ward B - Greenville/Westside (I guess)
I call this area Chromium Land.

All of these candidates seemed pretty terrible, so I'm just going to endorse the incumbent, Phil Kenny, on Healy's ticket.

Ward C - Journal Square
Journal Square is known for the PATH Station, Journal Square. Also, there's tons of haunted areas around here--haunted by both ghosts and homeless people with mental illnesses. It also has the most delicious neighborhood in town, India Square.

For this ward, I endorse Norrice Raymaker (One Jersey City) on Levin's ticket. I'm endorsing her because she loves puppies and so do I.

Ward D - The Heights
The Heights is known for it's absolute lack of anything to do at night and everyone that's from there dresses like it's 1995.

I'm endorsing James Carroll on the Manzo ticket because he seems like the candidate least likely to kill someone/die.

Ward E - Downtown
Downtown is known for its whiny yuppies and high rent. It leads the waspification of Jersey City. It's where I grew up, and it's where my mom's side of the family is from when part of it used to be a Polish ghetto (so I'm told).

i'm endorsing incumbent Steve Fulop, an independent, because he gave me an interview and I want to see his balls.

Ward F - Bergen Lafayette (I guess)
Bergen Lafayette is known for its gang turf wars, Chinese restaurants that sell cigarettes and crack pipes, and just being a general mess of murder and I won't go there at night. (Greenville's pretty bad too, but at least it seems to be trying.)

This was hard because the problems facing Lafayette are like that of the 3rd world, with its high unemployment and poverty, high school drop outs, guerilla warfare and drug trade. I tentatively endorse Viola Richardson, the incumbent on Healy's ticket, because I just don't know what to do.

At Large
There are 13 candidates running for At Large and I think I get to vote for 3 but I'm not sure. I'm still watching video of the debates, but so far I'm leaning towards Emilio Delia on Dan Levin's ticket (One Jersey City).

I'm endorsing Dan Levin on the One Jersey City ticket. I endorse him because he seems to be the least corruptible and doesn't seem to be making any back door deals with evil people. Also, he gave me an interview. In this interview, I pretended the microphone was my penis and he laughed (though I think he was just being polite.)

However, I am willing to change my mind if anyone promises me an award. Here are some suggestions: The Prettiest Genius in Jersey City, The Most Beautiful and Smartest Humor Genius, or #1 Lady.

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