"I can't use that quote."

Last night I stopped by the Waterbug to read Tom the most recent thing I wrote about his baby.

There was a guy from the Bergen Record who asked me for a qoute for an article he was writing on the show.

I said, "How about, 'Melissa Surach used to host the Waterbug until she got attacked on stage by this big ghetto chick.'"

He said he couldn't use it.

Then I said, "How about, 'The Waterbug crowd is so down to earth that no one ever bombs, even if they sing acapella Sarah Macsuckland extended covers off key.'"

He didn't know who Sarah Macsuckland was.

Then I said, "How about, 'The Waterbug is the only place Melissa Surach can perform at whenever she wants on a Thursday night that's three blocks away from her house.'"

He said it was the best review he'd heard about the Waterbug all night.

The highlight of the night was one old white lady who did interpretive dances off stage to everyone's performance without even being asked to ALL NIGHT LONG THAT'S STAMINA. For a 50-year-old she sure could move!

When she got on stage, she told us that she used to be one of America's top ten most wanted and did time for 5 years. Then, as she read her poem, she fell asleep standing up. Then, when she got off, she tried to make out with 2 20-year-olds. Luckily, they had quick reflexes. I saw her outside and she pretended to get hit by a car.

After the show she told me that I was mean to Tom and I should never do that again on stage. Tom asked her out and then I asked if I could be their baby. We had a group hug and Tom told me no.

I hope she's there on when I guest host on May 17, but I think she'll probably be dead.