Let's make a bet: How many condoms will Dirty poo?

Dirty had a garbage party last night while we were sleeping.

He had so much fun going through the waste basket in the bedroom, the kitchen garbage, AND the bathroom waste.

I got up to yell at him two or three times, and so did my boyfriend. But, in the dark, he pretended he was sleeping and being a good dog. Then in the morning, his dog bed had a bunch of napkins, a condom wrapper, something that looked like a half-eaten pad, and a box in it. There was also a trail of white stuff around my bed.

I would have taken pictures, but as you know, a Canadian ghost from 1812 broke my camera.

In the middle of the night, Dirty kept trying to get on the bed and he cried for like 30 minutes. My boyfriend says that he probably had a stomach ache. He thinks that Dirty uses used condoms like how fat people suck the fillings out of creme donuts.

He hasn't pooed any condoms yet, but he did poo twine out the other day AGAIN. I think he has a slow digestive system. I don't have any twine, so he must have eaten it before I got him, about 9 months ago.

Poor Dirty.

New York's Sixth Borough BLECH!

So I googled myself today and noticed I was listed on a blog called "New York's Sixth," which I think is to promote Jersey City to rich people to move in and waspify the city further.

If I wasn't from here I wouldn't be able to afford to move here.

Jersey City is not New York's Sixth borough. It's Jersey City. Jersey City natives are more New York than the jerks who move to New York and make fun of New Jersey. We still have our accents. No one who lives in Brooklyn has a Brooklyn accent anymore.

I wouldn't mind the rich people moving in to much if they would donate some money to my shows...and shoes. I have none. Also, I hear they think that I'm disgusting.

My New Old CD

I went CD shopping at the Salvation Army over the weekend. I got Def Tech presents Jawaiian Style Record Laniakea and Greetings From New Jersey Welcome to USA's Rock & Roll Capital. Rustin got Kidz Bop Halloween, which he dances to.

I was really disappointed that my Jawaiian cd was missing the cd and it was just the case. Jerk. It was made in Japan too. I at least wanted to figure out what Jawaiian means. But the Greetings From New Jersey cd is fun. It's a compilation of bands from New Jersey that almost made it in the 1980's. It's the most fun I've ever had giving myself a head ache.

I wonder whatever happened to Pompeii, the band?

My butt's gonna surprise you!

I've been doing some thinking about money that I don't have and the next thing I'm going to throw money away on is going to be a new tattoo. I was considering making a comedy EP, but that would probably be a waste of EP.

I used to want to get a tattoo of a sexy caveman with an unibrow, brow ridge, club, and loin cloth.

But now I want to get a tattoo of me popping out of of a garbage can like I'm surprising you on my butt.

Posting my phone number online was regrettable.

I posted my phone number as the BabyHole contact info for Giggle Chick's open mic posting, and that was a terrible mistake.

People call me while I'm on stage and in the morning when I am sleeping. Sometimes I get excited because I think it's a potential employer, but it's just a useless stranger.

If you know anything about me, it's that I don't usually answer my phone because my grandma calls me all the time and sometimes I get tired of reading coupons to her or eating glumpki. This week I had 13 messages from her, and I've been to her house three times. I'm also hiding from bill collectors.

I put my phone number up because Toy Eaters doesn't have a land line. I'm sorry if I didn't return your phone calls. Don't take it personally. Just please check the schedule on this blog for BabyHole info.

Last Night's BabyHole

Last night was yet another great big tiny BabyHole. I wish I had pictures but, as you know, last year in Toronto a ghost broke my camera and I have yet to send it in. As soon as I get $10, I'll fix it.

The featured band was the band formerly known as Savu Sea. They were really good. I've never been good at describing music, but I believe they had guitars and drums and fancy sounds. They were really good and I swayed a little, which is as far as I can dance.

Emily Epstein was the featured comedian. I introduced her as the love child of Bob Hope and Mary K. Letourneau. I didn't know what that meant at the time and I still don't. She was really funny. The best thing I like about her is that she doesn't have that typical weirdo-comedian attitude that makes me hate dealing with comedians. What a breath of fresh air. Also, her boyfriend has a glass eye.

Only two people signed up for the open mic, but the show was packed. A bunch of people brought in cases of beer because BYO is ok. That was fine. But the donations were scarce. Next time, if you bring beer, at least tip the bartender for opening it. And remember that the suggested donation is $5 for attending. I made $8 after I paid out train fare. I was expecting $15.

At least I can do laundry today. If you saw what I was wearing last night, you'd understand. Thanks, ghost.

Video from last week

This is the video from Jen's show last week. I stutter a little bit and notice how big my face looks on camera.

JC List is for cunts

I was rejected again from JC List today. First it was Sweet Face, Sour Puss. Now it's my Calendar Party II.

Why does it seem like everyone who discourses on JC List has more money than I do?

And what's with that crazy cat lady who wants to steal Asian people's cats?

The second calendar party

Tonight is the second calendar party. This is the flier.

Back to freelancing spam...

So I'm freelancing for a joke website now. I'm archiving their newsletters, all of which contain 100-year-old jokes from the public domain, have a slight Christian tone, are a little misogynist, and are all terrible.

Since my friends are tired of me calling them just to tell them terrible jokes, I will only repeat them here.

This is a joke I just copy edited. Finally, a George W. Bush joke that George W. Bush and my grandma would approve of.

Biblical Signs

George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, "Aren't you Moses?"

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the man's view and asked again, "Hey there! Aren't you Moses?"

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the man's sleeve and asked once again, "HEY THERE! Aren't you Moses???"

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, "Yes, I am."

George W., a bit peeved at this point then asked, "Why the cold shoulder?"

To which Moses replied, "The last time a bush spoke to me I ended up spending forty years in the wilderness."

My Calendar Release Party Last Week

Last Tuesday, January 8, was my calendar release party.

I was so scared that I got in bed under the covers for a while before the show started. Then when I got there I was so nervous that I almost had diarrhea.

But I didn't have diarrhea, and as far as I could tell, no one else did either (except for maybe the next day after drinking a case of PBR).

I sold a bunch of calendars, the show was packed, and the performers were amazing. Everyone had a great time. Here's some pictures Ben Lerman sent me.

This is a random party picture. I think it was taken during intermission, when we were resetting the room.

This is Rosie Rebel and Ben Lerman sexually wrestling each other.

This is me and Jessica Delfino looking nice.

This is an adorable group shot of all the comedians hilariously posing after binge drinking. From left to right: Melissa Surach, Jessica Delfino, Ben Lerman, Rosie Rebel, John F. O'Donnell, and Sean Patton.


The Coffin Daggers opened the show and everyone had a great time.

Thanks to everyone who came out, performed, and to my calendar.

Where you can buy my calendar

I sold out half of the first printing of my calendar at the release party.

I only have a few at my house. So, for the weekend, you can buy the calendar from Balance Hair Salon. It's located at 18 Eerie Street in Jersey City, one block from the Grove Street PATH station.

I'll print more next week.

The sketch I wrote last night

This is a sketch I wrote last night when I got wasted instead of working because I'm unemployed now.



Notice the date.

Some comedians are just little bitches

For my calendar release party on Tuesday, I invited all the comedians who've done my show this past year via text message: "BabyHole Calendar Release Party Tonight 9 pm @ Toy Eaters, Jersey City."

One of them texted me back, "Don't text show spam to my phone please."

I texted back, "It's my calendar party and I'd appreciate if you'd go, jerk."

He texted back, "I'm not being a jerk. I already got your facebook, myspace, and email."

I texted, "I'm not your facebook friend."

Then, 7 hours later, right before the show started, I received the text, "Please remove my number from this phone," even though I'd never called or texted him before, except for maybe to give him directions to the show I booked him on, which I paid him for.

I figured he probably didn't know who I was, so I emailed him:

"Sorry about the mass text I didn't think it would be a big deal. It's just that my calendar release party is the biggest show that I produce by myself and I invited all the comedians who've done my shows in the past and I wish I could've worded it better on the text. And it was a really good show. Anyway, yes, I have taken you off my phone and I'm sorry about inconveniencing you."

And he replied, "Thank you."

What a little fucking bitch.

Another job lost to my pretend career

Well, I kinda quit/got fired from my job because I took off for a week and a half without calling.

It sounds worst than it is. It was really only 4 shifts, and I texted my bosses after I left a voice mail that was never returned.

I took the time off to finish my calendar, which I considered more important than getting 100-year-old Irishmen drunk without a shift pay.

Melissa Surach 2008 Calendar Cover

Last week in Atlantic City I should've gotten a tattoo.

I thought that going to Atlantic City would solve all of my problems but instead I lost $100.



He wanted a T-Shirt, but I thought the banner was classier. I couldn't jam the entire thing into my scanner, but it says, "A winning pair."

Some people say that it looks like I have down syndrome in it. But I think it just looks like I try too hard.

Working on this calendar all day...

...really makes me miss out on the paternity tests of strangers.

I'D RATHER BE WATCHING DIVORCE COURT.

New hatemail from Ethiopia

Should I put this guy on my mailing list? And what's he talking about? And if he knows so much about Ethiopia, wouldn't he know it's a proper noun and should be capitalized?

from jaman gebreyesus
to Melissa.Surach@gmail.com,
date Jan 2, 2008 6:04 PM
subject WARNING!!!!
mailed-by yahoo.com
signed-by yahoo.com

hide details 6:04 PM (29 minutes ago)



Reply


You fuck'n bitch, don't ever dis anything about Ethiopia. I understand you have no life, but you don't have no right say something like that. You don't know nothing about ethiopia, if you knew you wouldn't say something like that.

Reasons that I am not showing up for work this week:

I work at an Irish dive bar in Jersey City and I haven't shown up to work my last two shifts and am considering blowing tomorrow off too because...

-It smells weird and everything is broken.
-I made $9 at work last Saturday.
-Sometimes I work 11-hour-long shifts for no reason.
-I hate the deep fryer.
-Work seems to be optional at my job.
-Some cops are jerks and I want to throw beer in their faces.
-A woman's not allowed to work by herself, so I have to split my tips for no reason and make 50% less than a man.
-I don't get a shift pay, so I can't get fired because I was never hired.

And I need to finish my calendar. It'll probably make me as much money as my volunteer bar tending job, but at least some people respect it.

NO CUNTS ALLOWED

Last night I spent New Year's Eve at 58. I drank some Christmas beer, two bottles of $5 champagne and then some vodka and blacked out around 12:30. I got home around 1:00 and fell out of bed and onto my shoulder at some point in the night. From what I remembered, I had fun.

I also handed out fliers for the Calendar Release Party next week. I've come to the point where I get personally offended that people won't take my fliers because my shows are so good, especially for Jersey City.

There's this group of kids who go to 58 who I think are 16 but dress like 28-year-old hipsters from Brooklyn and the girls are dirty little posers and need to be smacked by their parents. I tried to give them my fliers. The boys took them but the girl wouldn't and said, "Everyone gets fliers for that shit." I was in a good mood because I was drunk and I don't like starting fights with kids, but I wish I could have said, "There's no cunts allowed anyway."

I wish I could start calling everyone a cunt to their face who I think is a cunt. But because of my job I have to try to be nice to too many people.