Solicitation

So, I fliered my neighborhood today with the JC Friday fliers I got last night. I even put some at the bank, because I thought it would be funny, and I need a richer audience.

The Melissa race is ON!

I'm going to apply for a fellowship from the NJ State Council on the Arts this year. Do you know what this means? It means I need to get my multi-media one-woman show together in less than a month in order to qualify. Have I started working on it? No. I came up with this scheme yesterday. Now I have 6 weeks to show.

Will I succeed or fail miserably?

If it ever strikes your fancy to pickle your own vegetables, don't.

I have a five pound bag of carrots. I've made carrot pudding, spicy carrot soup, used it in salads and dinners, and I've even tried to pickle them.

DO NOT EVER TRY TO PICKLE YOUR OWN VEGETABLES AT HOME. They taste disgusting. Patooey!

I got the original recipe from a vegan website. I think that vegans don't know any better because they don't know how to eat food.

I also threw in some tomatoes and celery in because they were starting to rot. Maybe I am just a terrible pickler.

I still have two pounds left. I guess I will barbecue carrots tonight.

The next time you see me, you'll sneer, "Hi, orange Melissa. Nice carrots."

Death by chocolate: fantasy come true, or just death?

So Dirty Dog OD'd on chocolate brownies Monday night while we were sleeping. I rushed him to the vet when he walked in zig zags and bumped into things. This is his update:

-He is still a little disoriented when he runs. Try to chase him! You will win this time.

-He is pooing charcoal. Barbecue, anyone?

-I tried to give him his meds. After 45 minutes, most of it was on the ceiling and in my hair. I tried some Dog Whisperer tricks, but I don't think they work unless you're Satan. By the way, I think that Cesar Milan is Satan.

-I have no money at all. I spent everything and my tax refunds ($6) on his chocolate poisoning.

-I am jealous of his chocolate poisoning.

I wish that I could OD on brownies, but that's just for the dogs!

Bloggin' on JC List

There's some sad, lonely people in this town.

I heard there was a lot of activity on JC List about the bar I work in.

I read the thread, and people get so passionate about it, it makes me want to buy them TV's or something. One person that I served immediately wrote 6 paragraphs of blog about his dining experience as soon as he got home.

I hope that when I grow up, I don't spend all my time blogging.

Draft of "A Glamorous Night of Hilarity" flier

This is the draft of "A Glamorous Night of Hilarity's" flier. I made it with my hand. I think it suits a grass roots Art Festival, which is what JC Friday, and all Jersey City shows, is (or are? My grammar is deteriorating. Someone give me a proofing job now!). Brooke Van Poppelen and I are producing this new show of cool, tattooed hilarious chicks. We're trying it out on JC Friday. Leibya Rogers is hosting.

Congratulations, BabyHole!

Thanks to everyone who came out to BabyHole Vs. Poetic Voices Superiority Contest. It was a really great show, nothing like the abortion that we were worried about. For once we can say that people would rather go to BH VS PV than chug semen from a wine skin.

And the winner of the BabyHole Vs. Poetic Voices Superiority Contest is...

BABYHOLE!
BABYHOLE!
BABYHOLE!

It was a narrow victory, but BabyHole won with 199 points, while Poetic Voices gained 191.5 points. Go, BabyHole, go!

Highlights of the night include:

My outfit. I wore wrestling shoes, tube socks, bright blue little sports shorts, a red wife beater that said, "Poetry is for homeless people," American Flag sweatbands, and had black football grease paint under my eyes. I raced on stage with a stroller full of baby dolls and did an aerobic routine while shouting "BabyHole! I'm working out my BabyHole!"

The Roland Ramos Band opening the show with psychedelic reggae rock.

After the first three poets did poems about not getting laid, Judge Rustin commented, "If the next poetry contestant does a poem about not getting laid, I'm going to give them all 10 points." (Also, an audience member commented to me, "There's some sad lonely guys in this town.")

Max Michael's angst ridden song, "I think I have AIDS I came on your dad," while wearing a white-beater that said, "Poetry gave me AIDS."

When one of the poet's poems was about how a girl dumped him for a guy who used her and abused her, Judge Cooter and Judge Jesse high-fived each other and said, "We totally did that!"

Some surprises about the show: The crowd was mostly a poetry crowd. The BabyHole crowd always shows up an hour late because they are fashionable slackers. That meant the poetry got the seats, and if you've ever seen a poetry crowd, you'd know that they were weirdos, and on top of that, they didn't donate any money for the show, so even though it was packed, everyone lost money.

Oh well, next time.

Update on baby starling

So, it turns out that I didn't "find" the poor baby bird so much as "stole" it from it's parents.

It was fully feathered, but couldn't fly. According to internet, I should've just put it in a bush while it learned to fly from a day on the ground.

After I made it a nest, I tried to feed it strawberries to rehydrate it and give it energy. It enjoyed them, but when it dropped one, I tried to pick it up, and the baby got scared, tried to escape and shat on the floor. "You need to go to the park now!" I shouted.

I took it to the bushes by the gazebo in Hamilton Park, where the bums pee. It smelled disgusting, but I thought that it was the safest place for the baby.

I went by the next day to see how it was doing. On my way in, I saw a baby starling that resembled it (dirty and unkempt with mites) following two adult birds. It looked at me, reluctant to follow its parents, and I knew then that I had ruined another life, but at least I'd tried to save it.

So I think that it found it's parents and learned to fly. At least, I didn't find a corpse.

WE ARE ALL BABY STARLINGS!

I am Captain Crazy

On my way to do my chores, I found a baby bird, corralled it into a box and brought it home. I made a nest, and now I have to feed the bird corn syrup water every 20 minutes. Apparently, to check it's body temperature, I have to press it's wings to my lips. I can't wait!

I did not do any chores today.

It's a starling. It should be strong enough to fly away in a few days.

My boyfriend is going to be so angry when he gets home and sees it in the bed!

Temp Agencies, Here I Come! Watch Out!

The place I've been working in is going down the drain. Or, rather, the mouth hole, because they drink their bad business skills away. Seriously, when they feel bad about the place or their management skills, instead of acting pro actively or helping the staff in trouble, they drink to forget and/or party despite.

I bartend at a place that used to be super busy. But lately it's a mess. With each and every shift, I make about $20 less than I did the shift before. I almost walked out today, because I walked into such a mess. "I don't have to work like this," I thought to myself as I waited on dirty tables that were complaining about dirty table and bad service that weren't my responsibility. And I am all for taking on the restaurant's responsibilities, as long as the restaurant supports me, and I make a living wage. But it is out of controls!

My old motto was, "I hope I can stick through it long enough until the place goes out of business so I can get unemployment benefits." But I don't think this place will last that long. Poor me. Poor Melissa.

BH VS PV JUDGE'S FORM

This is the preface of the Judge's form for next week's competition.

JUDGE’S FORM
BabyHole Vs Poetic Voices Superiority Contest
Wednesday, May 21st

Thank you for being a judge at our Superiority Contest. You made it, winner! By being our judge, we acknowledge that you are better than the rest of us.

Please judge the contestants on a scale of 0-10 based on the following criteria: performance/entertainment quality, content/creativity, and pussiness (pussiness score will be subtracted).

Just kidding. Pussiness will not be a judging category, though it should be.

(Not necessarily fun) Family Activities for Mother's Day

I usually don't publish my essays on the blog because I want to get paid or critically acclaimed for them (HA!), but this one was rejected last week and I'm not going to get another chance for a year, so here's my Mother's Day essay.



(Not Necessarily Fun) Family Activities for Mother's Day

-Babyball is a good way to introduce your baby to sports. Perfect for building little muscles, your baby will learn coordination and discipline when you pitch it and it makes a home run. Go Baby, go!

-Babies love bright colors, sparkles, and the smell of ethyl acetate. Enjoy the pampering (no, not THAT kind) as Baby gives you a full manicure, including a hand massage and acrylic tips.

-"Who's a big boy?" or "Who's a big girl?" is what you'll be shouting as you adorn your baby with feathers and wear it as a fashionable hat.

-Family bonding is important and fun. The entire family will enjoy using the baby to adorn the Mother's Day Tree that you've forced it to cut down in the Pine Barrens, where the Jersey Devil lives. Alternatively, light Baby on the Mother's Day Menorah.

-No one loves vodka more than babies. Have Baby make YOU a White Russian for a change!

-Throw up on Baby. See how much it likes it! Maybe it'll learn a lesson.

-Finally, sometimes Mommy just wants to sit in a nest. Have baby build one for you. Start off by sending Baby to rummage for twigs and strings, then glue with things that have come out of Baby.

-A relaxing afternoon nest nap is the perfect activity to end the exciting day you and your family have celebrated together. If only every day was Mother's Day! Then maybe Baby wouldn't act like such a jerk all the time.

Fliers for the Superiority Contest

I am going to print fliers for the BabyHole Vs. Poetic Voices Superiority Contest, but with the way the poets are running their mouths off to anyone who will listen, I don't know if it'll be necessary. What a bunch of babies. And cheaters, too.

JC Friday

This is the link for JC Friday.

www.jcfridays.com

I wish my mom would stop googling me

Dear mom,

I know that you are googling me. Will this turn into a 2-hour-long life micromanagement session on Sunday, which is Mother's Day? Good. That's what I want.

Love,
Melissa

PS Please don't nag me about my blog.

All Points West Festival

As you know, Liberty State Park will be hosting the All Points West Festival this summer. And though I really like Metric, I would rather spend $300 on a boat than on tickets to the park down the street from my house.

Next BabyHole Flier

I have a lot of stuff to do today, including finding a job, so I put a lazy gradient on the new flier. Nonetheless, the next BabyHole show is going to be awesome.

Eric Andre
Rebecca Ciletti
Jared Whitham

Click on their links to find out their magic.

Woman of many skills seeks employment

The kitchen staff has walked out of the bar I've been working at. Therefore, I don't think that there will be any work for my next shift.

I'm looking for easy, well-paying bartending jobs, but I'm also going to hit up temp agencies and friends who work in advertising. You know who you are.

I have many skills. Typing is one of them.

Update on the poet mess

Yesterday I got an email from Poetic Voices saying that they heard doing the BabyHole Vs. Poetic Voices was basically walking into a fist fight and they were concerned that people were going to beat them up.

First of all, they acted like such jerks before that people did want to beat them up. I told them that. But I was also getting a little stressed out about everything going on in the show. Then I found out, that whoever said that to them said it as a joke. Also, I think they confuse metaphors with reality.

Like my boyfriend said, if you dip your finger into the faggy batter, you get it all over your hand. And that's what happened to me yesterday.

I know this is like, the biggest show they've ever done, and that they've been talking about it nonstop for months and practicing in their mirrors and having workshops for it. I got mixed up in their stupid baby world and it's not going to happen again. I let myself down by giving credence to their immaturity and stupidity.

I'm sorry Melissa. It won't happen again. And if I have to deal with anymore of this mess, this will be the last show I do with them. Duh.

When I talk about the poets being jerks, I DO NOT INCLUDE Saint Patrick. He's featured at my shows like, 10 times, he's lots of fun to hang out with, and he's one of the best story tellers I know. He's actually our only real competition at the show.

On a happier note, who would like to see BabyHole at Grace Van Vorst Church over the summer doing fund raisers instead of going on hiatus?

I didn't realize how dumpy British people were.

I mean, I knew that they weren't the most attractive people on earth, and had a reputation for bad teeth, but I didn't realize how dumpy they were until we got cable and I watched 12 hours of BBC straight.

Did you know that 90% of British people are obese? I don't know if that statistic is true, but that is my guess based on what I saw on British reality shows.

In the general category of Pussiness...

I've met with Poetic Voices to discuss the details of the upcoming slaughter in BabyHole vs. Poetic Voices, and they are very frightened. In fact, they've already started cheating.

Originally, the competitors were supposed to get a topic a week in advance upon which to build a 5-minute set of both comedy and poetry. But apparently, the poets don't feel that a week is enough time, and three weeks isn't enough time either. They need a lifetime.

So we had to do away with the topics so that the poets wouldn't "Go outside their comfort zones." I think this is almost cheating. Now it's just going to be a five minute set of both comedy and poetry, and I know that they are already practicing in their mirrors.

I want one of the categories for the judges to score to be "Pussiness," but I don't think the poets will go for it.

The funny thing is, they are the reason for the show in the first place because I challenged them after they vandalized my fliers, came to my show and rioted, and spread rumors about me.

I've contacted the BabyHole team, and the general consensus is that they feel the poets are a bunch of "Punks" and "Baby Dicks."