Dear Uncle Gene,
After it snowed last weekend, I planned to hike up the hill to Mosquito Park and go sledding on garbage bags and pick up white trash teenagers from the Heights. But the snow boots I'd left in the hallway were missing so I had to wear Converse through the snow and my toes almost had to be amputated and the teenagers, sensing weakness, threatened to mug me.
I still can't find my boots. Gee, Uncle Gene, I wonder who took them?
Grandma said she saw you eating a used ketchup packet out of the garbage on Newark Avenue. On Thursday, I was walking down Bay Street and I passed a pile of trash with a foot sticking out of it. Upon closer inspection, I saw that it was YOU using garbage bags for a mattress and covering yourself with garbage bags for blankets. At first I thought it was funny, but then I thought, "I'm related to that guy," and then I was sad.
I know you stole them! What are you doing with ladies' size 7 shoes anyway? You look ridiculous in them. Well now you can keep them. I bet they smell.
On the subject of stealing, stop giving out my address. I don't need all this mail. For a bum, you sure get a lot of it! If I were you, I'd burn it to keep warm.
Also, please stop stealing things from my neighbors's yards and stop throwing their garbage cans into the street.
THIS IS WHY YOU'RE NOT INVITED TO CHRISTMAS.
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