Study: Over 1 in 3 SAfrican Men Admit to Rape

Even though Jersey City makes me want to cut myself, at least I don't live in a place where people "rape out of boredom."

Jesus Christ South Africa! Get it together! Get some PSA's or something.

According to CBS, Over 1 in 3 SAfrican Men Admit to Rape.

Introduction to Humor Writing Intensive for Super Smart Nice People who are Great and Awesome Geniuses

Look I'm teaching this. Sign up so I can make you funnier. And then I can eat.


Do you love David Sedaris and Dorothy Parker? Want to be like them? Well now you can.

Art House presents Jersey City's first and only Humor Writing Class. In this introductory intensive workshop you'll learn the basics of how to write funny things, create new material and build on previous work.

Plus, I'll throw in a one-on-one feedback session for free.

We'll focus on writing for print but also watch TV to see how humor principles apply to performance and visual media and maybe one day you'll be famous. At the very least, you'll learn where to put jokes in your writing so it sells better.

It's the perfect holiday gift for loved ones or people that you think should be funnier.

Taught by Melissa Surach, the only person ever to have a a City Council resolution passed unanimously to honor her for Comedic Arts.

$60. Register at arthouseproductions.org via Pay Pal and note Humor Writing. Registration fee is $15 with the balance due by class.

If you register by January 1st you save $10, which makes the entire ordeal $50 the cheapest thing ever.

Take advantage of this low introductory offer because I'm going to make the next one really expensive.

Winter Beer and Books

Look at this thing I'm doing!

Come nerd out with us. Find out what to drink for the holidays!

Book House Cafe presents a winter beer tasting and book pairing.

Beer selections will include seasonals from Founders, Ommegang, New Jersey Beer Co., and 3 more that I haven't picked yet.

Book selections will include Holidays on Ice, Without Feathers, and Drinking, Smoking and Screwing. Maybe Melissa Surach will read from her new manuscript "Face Down in the Gutter: An Erotic Journey."

Suggested donation $10. RSVP to rafael.antonioni@gmail.com or Facebook. Book House is tiny!

Jersey City Magazine and the Weird List

I made the top ten "Biggest Weirdos in Jersey City List," a list compiled by chin-strapped artist and warehouse squat lord John Fathom. It was published in Jersey City Magazine last week.

Here's a link to the online pdf version, if you didn't find it on your stoop: http://www.hudsonreporter.com/pages/jersey_city_mag

I only regret that they censored my pube wig that I brought to the photoshoot. Also, they made me look like a drag queen--oh wait, I did that myself.

The most retarded couple I've ever served

This morning a couple walked into the high-end liquor store I work at.

Man: Yo, do you have Ace of Spades? The Jay-Z liquor.
Me: We have Ace of Spades champagne on the top shelf.
Man: It's Jay-Z's liquor right?
Me: I don't know if Jay-Z's the spokesman..
Woman: How much is it?
Me: $250 on sale. The rose is $450.
Man: Which one's better?
Me: The rose.
Woman: Can we taste it?
Me: No.
Woman: Why not?
Man: (pointing at Dirty Dog) What kind of dog is that?
Me: A mutt.
Man: Oh, there's a breed called Mutt?
Me: No.
Man: Because to us a mutt is a stray dog.
Me: Well, yeah.

Then they became inexplicably offended and stormed out. The worst part is they had a baby. I wish I could see its face to gauge how far apart its eyes were.

About expressing your rape feelings...

This is a video I made last year about clumsily dancing your feelings away. It's called Harbor Side Story and it was supposed to be part of Melicious Bottomvomit, which was unfortunately destroyed due to a mean ex boyfriend.



Harbor Side Story from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

This is what happens when you bite your butt too much

While I was on vacation last week, Dirty Dog took the opportunity to bite his butt off. This is what happens when you bite your butt too much.

He loves to have butt scabs like these for some reason, even though they don't seem comfortable.

Today we went to the vet and now he has a bald butt, a cone head and is on allergy medication. I don't think he likes the cone very much because he keeps bumping into things. And when he goes up stairs, the cone hits him in the face. I just hope he learned his lesson.

He's taking a week off of work at the liquor store, even though he now owes me $200.

BabyHole's Last Laugh

I'm reposting this from my email blast. Because it's kind of a BFD.


Hello friends and babies,

Thanks for coming out to BabyHole these past few years. Sadly, tomorrow night is our final show. That's right--Jersey City's longest running comedy show is almost dead.

We've had a pretty good run over the last three years--we shut down two venues, got raided, enforced restraining orders...And then there was the comedy. Oh, the comedy! But now it's time to grow up.

BabyHole's Last Laugh

Tuesday, May 25th, 10:00 pm, FREE!

Featuring country music by Cross Country All Stars. Stand up by Mark Normand. Roller skate spectacle/bra enthusiast Rosie Rebel. Sketch comedy by Upset Triangle. Plus, 6 open mic slots for stand up, sketch, musical comedy and funny videos.

Hosted by Mike Recine.

And as always, $2 pints of PBR. Then we'll all hug.

The Lamp Post

382 2nd Street

Jersey City, NJ

Not Yo Mama's Craft Fair

Not Yo Mama's Craft Fair, Jersey City's biggest and only craft fair, is tomorrow. It's the second time around for them, and this time there's booze and bands.

Here's a link to a story about it.

Join me there tomorrow. I hope to find home made self-esteem.

Adopt me!

These are the kittens I'm fostering for the next few weeks. I got them from the Liberty Humane Society . Look at how adorable I am!

Adopt us all! I need a loving home too. My walls are filled with hate.

So what if I'm a charity case?

I'm thinking about doing a charity event for myself. Is that wrong? I mean, I can afford beans, but it's so I can buy a new computer and finally finish my videos and the pilot episode of my show. Maybe I can be a write off. In the tax sense, not friend sense. I already know what that feels like.

I'm currently working between two 12-year-old computers, a Mac and a giant PC. There's a decade-old Photoshop on the tiny-screened Mac, and the PC keeps crashing. I can barely add attachments to my emails or photos to my articles, much less edit video. Wah wah wah!

By the way, if you'd like to read some of my latest Jersey City Independent Articles, you can go here: http://www.jerseycityindependent.com/author/msurach/

I just did my taxes, and with my refund I'm already half way there. The United States of America supports my cause. But would anyone else?

Keywords and blood blisters

Today the number one keyword in search engines hit reached my blog was "blood blister in peehole." I don't think I've ever blogged about blood blisters in peeholes, but maybe I should start.

How much is this bachelorette worth?

I'm honored to have just been asked to be a Bachelorette in Art House's upcoming find Bachelor/Bachelorette Fundraiser on April 17th. I'm still waiting to find out how much stage time I'll get to showcase my beauty, and more importantly, where I can find break away pants.

So how much will you bid on my? I'll throw in Dirty Dog too.

Hey Williamsburg, I don't burn you for existing.

Yesterday I spent my day off at the Brooklyn Brewery doing "research." First of all, Blast, a double IPA in their Brewmasters Reserve series totally kicked my ass. It was the best double IPA I've ever had, and two of them made me and my friend Sarah drunk for EIGHT HOURS. We're such girls!

Now to complain about Williamsburg, the neighborhood the brewery is in. While I was smoking outside, next to the BMW's, a stupid blond waspy woman and her pasty boyfriend walked past me and coughed on purpose to make me feel like an asshole. I almost went Jersey City on her ass, and restrained myself from shouting, "Fuck you, you stupid blond cunt. I don't burn you with cigarettes for existing!" And then I'd guiltily wimper, "I'm trying to quit."

By the way, I'm going to try to quit smoking again. For serious this time. I got a book and I'm ordering a vapor cigarette. Expect mood swings and disproportionate emotional reactions.

My three favorite things: beer, ghosts--and of course, me!

Last weekend, I treated myself to a Riverhorse Brewery tasting followed by a night at a haunted hotel with a man friend.

First we went to the Brewery in Lambertville and sampled beer for lunch, which ran four for a dollar. We went through them in order of flavor and strength: Riverhorse Special Ale, (American Amber), Hop-a-lotamus (double IPA), an Oatmeal Milk Stout (their seasonal limited reserve), and Tripel Horse (Belgian style).

I liked all of them even though the Special Ale was only 4.5 percent ABV and usually Ambers are too bland for me. And though usually I don't like Belgians, Tripel Horse was surprisingly citrusy and refreshing, like a desert or champagne after my beer lunch. My favorites were the Oatmeal Milk Stout and Double IPA, which was no surprise because stouts and IPA's are my favorite beers.

The brewery was small and the tour was self-guided. We ran around the brewery touching machines that we didn't know how to operate. There were keys in the fork-lift, but we had enough self-restraint to not commandeer it. We wanted to buy more samples, any way.

This is me at the vats where they put the ingredients in and boil and strain them. No, I did not add a touch of Melissa because they clean them out all the time the solvents would kill my DNA, which I need.

Here's some pictures of my buddy playing on the labeling and bottling machines.





Then we went to the self-purportedly most haunted inn in the town that called itself The Most Haunted Town in America--the Logan Inn in New Hope, PA. We did not see any ghosts, although at one point the furniture sounded like it knocked, but nothing serious. This is me reading a ghost story book in front of a portrait of one of the ghosts, Emily, and her husband.

There was a surprising amount of witch craft, medieval role-playing stores and old white hippies in New Hope. It was fun, although in conclusion, the beer was good but the ghosts sucked. Maybe the hippies's magic crystals kept them away, but more likely, their medieval body odor. Stupid hippies!

Snubbed yet again. Oh, Hudson Reporter, am I not good enough for your typos?

I don't know if you read the big news in the Midweek Reporter this week, but COMEDY IS FINALLY COMING TO JERSEY CITY!

You may be wondering, "What about BabyHole, the comedy show listed on the right of this screen? And, more importantly, what about Melissa Surach? I love her and never get enough of hearing about her."

I agree. I never tire of hearing about me either. Yet, in the first paragraph of this story about Catch a Rising Star Comedy Show, me, Melissa Surach, and my show, BabyHole, were conspicuously omitted. We weren't mentioned in the second paragraph either, or the third. Instead, Stockinette's Comedy Night was mentioned, as well as Art House, despite the fact that Art House doesn't have comedy shows and BabyHole is the longest running comedy show in Jersey City and I have a comedy award from the city. (The story of my award was reported in every other paper. Yes, it's true: City Council voted unanimously to honor me, and the Reporter should as well. )

But besides all that, The Reporter has been listing my comedy show in its events section for two years. Shouldn't some one have noticed the error?* In addition, they printed my Letter to the Editor this summer, in which I stated who I was, bragged about my comedy show, and nagged them about giving me and award.

The new comedy show is called Catch a Rising Star and it's at Michael Anthony's, which has yacht parking. Seriously. The show is $25 and there's a two-item-minimum, which will probably add an extra $20 at least. Here's a picture of the host. It's ironic that for a show called "Catch a Rising Star," the stars are 85-years-old. For the entrance fee, and old, experienced comedians, it should be decent talent. But I'd take the budget-night out at BabyHole over it any day. I'm partial.

*Well, they've only kind of listed my show in the Event Section. They refused to print BabyHole, so it's called BH Open Mic, and the information is from two years ago because they won't update it even after I emailed them the changes five times. I hope people aren't knocking on the now-defunct Toy Eaters doors every Tuesday.

My cheap Valentine's Day tattoos

Today, I took a brief reprieve from crying to get rapidly stabbed a thousand times. This is my new tattoo (courtesy of Jersey City Tattoo Company and their $14 Valentine's Day Tattoo Sale).

This was the outline:

After the color (I avoided the gory pictures. You're welcome.):

This was my favorite part, the one where I have a Terminator arm:

Look at how adorable my forearm grew up to be!

An evening of romance with Dirty Dog

Dirty Dog wishes everyone a Happy Valentine's Day and I hope you enjoy looking at my dog as much as I do.

Dirty will be your Valentine for $5.

Like a beautiful vodka bird nest

Look at this Wolfschimdt display I made. It's like a beautiful vodka bird laid them. And it wasn't Screamy--she's too lazy.

Cheap vodka never looked so classy. Notice that I paired Wolfschmidt with free dog biscuits. At only $1.29 a shot, how can you afford to NOT drink them?

No furry babies? What am I supposed to exploit now?

We finally got around to taking the dirty feral cat to the vet. We found out that it does NOT have cat AIDS (at least probably not--so don't share needles or try to sleep with it).

Also, it's not pregnant because it's a male. Apparently, there's a lot of things I need to learn about penises. However, its foot is permanently deformed from a birth defect, so that's something I can talk about at the water cooler.

This is a picture of my sister trying to step on it. It survived, so I suggested we name it Ugg because of her ugly boots.

If you've seen my 2008 Calendar, you can imagine how upset I was about not having kittens--not just for the recipes, but for the exploitation as well. Maybe one day, I'll have a litter of my own.

Oh, would you like some fleas?

The good news is that the cat is out of the ceiling and there are no dead kittens stuck in the wall. Also, her nose is less crusty, and she's now beige instead of gray, and she lets us pet her. The bad news is that I'm pretty sure the cat is still pregnant, and her foot is deformed. However, we still don't know if she has cat HIV.

My sister is going to keep her unless someone claims her and we've been fighting over what to name her. I know it should be her decision, but her names are so stupid I almost slapped her.

Nikki's Names:

Kitty

Snowflake

Annie (which I originally came up with as a compromise over Kitty)

Melissa's Names:

Rainbow Face

Frankenkitty

Yeti

She likes to eat string.

Here, she's saying, "Yes, I like to play with balls. And would you like some fleas as well?"



She has to sit like this because of her belly full of kittens and gross foot.

Is this your little white pussy?

Last night, my sister and I dragged this cat in from my parents' back yard. It's a little white cat with two different colored eyes, a bad leg, and it might be pregnant. It's been hanging out for about a week.

It seemed friendly at first, until we got it in the basement, where it hid from us under a pile of sharp tools.

This morning we went to check on it, and it disappeared. I hope it's not in the ceiling. We'd like to take it to the vet before it has kittens in the wall.

Is this your cat? If so, please come and get it and take it to the vet.

Is that dead tree for your dead baby?

Last week I found this decrepit Christmas tree skeleton on Wayne Street. The sidewalk was strewn with other Christmas tree corpses, but they were all still green, full of needles, and looked like they were from this year.

How many years did this family keep this sad little firehazard? Were they hoarders, or cheap?

I can imagine their Christmas Day: dollar store objects and stoop sale throw aways barely covered in crumpled newspaper under this spiny mummy, "Children, retrieve your toys--but watch out for your eyes." Then the parents lament, "We might have to finally get rid of the tree this year--it's on fire again. But grandma will be happy to know we kept it for as long as we could, as stated in her will."

Which brings to mind: What rags do they force their Christmas-cheerless children to wear, and what do they do with their deceased pets?

Hey! It's Jersey City. The Lamp Post.

New directions, new pictures, and new underwear!

As I've mentioned before, I'm changing my blog around. Let's face it: I hate writing in it and you hate reading it. On a side note, I need new underwear too.

I'm busy editing hundreds of photos and uploading videos. In anticipation of the new direction I'm taking, please don't read anything below this beautiful picture of me and Dirty Dog, taken right before our bath.

And now into the future!

No Calendars! New Blog!

I'm revamping my blog!

Don't be sad that I've discontinued my Melissa Surach Calendars. You probably aren't, because no one ever bought them. Instead I've decided to publish my narcissism on my blog, or else I'd have to give it up completely because it's so expensive!

Also, no one reads my blog or posts comments except for sex workers and erection pills. That's fine by me--I don't write in it too much anymore and someone needs to generate the content. But I don't like being used by the human slave industry, especially if I'm not even getting laid.

So if you'd like to take pictures of me and document my beauty, let me know. I hope you like corpses!