The 9/11 memorial at Bayonne Harbor. I'm not the first one to say it, and I won't be the last, but it seriously looks like a giant vagina.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Bayonne fights terrorism with the saddest vagina in the world.
The 9/11 memorial at Bayonne Harbor. I'm not the first one to say it, and I won't be the last, but it seriously looks like a giant vagina.
I KNOW WHY THE HEIGHTS ARE SO '90'S
I saw a raver and it wasn't 1991. It was last Tuesday, on Kennedy Boulevard, by the Coach House.
I have a theory about this stretch of Kennedy Boulevard. I first became concerned when I noticed a Marilyn Manson fan in 2005. Then, I saw a grown man wearing a GreenDay shirt, a Sublime hoodie, a Wu Tang headband, Offspring gauntlets, and a wallet chain, all at the same time. I looked up, and all around me everything was at least 10 years out of style. I was frightened.
At first, I assumed the reason that the Heights are 20 years behind the times is because of the horrible, archaic public transportation system. They use jitneys, like in the 1930's. They are alternatively called immigrant vans, or immies, but I find that term racist, as the Heights are because it's so behind the times. The last time I took one, the driver was a deaf, 90-year-old who spoke no English, smoked a Cuban Cigar, and had a tumour on his nose. It looked like he had three noses. He drives the warped line of time and he's drunk.
Which brings me to my point: I believe that space and time are warped at this point. It's like the Bermuda Triangle of Jersey City. It may, in fact, be an opening to hollow earth. Perhaps, everyone who lives in the Heights inhabits the inner surface of the earth as well--that's how they keep their raver pants from the ravages of time.
Here is a map. You'll notice The Heights is near the upper left hand side.
I have a theory about this stretch of Kennedy Boulevard. I first became concerned when I noticed a Marilyn Manson fan in 2005. Then, I saw a grown man wearing a GreenDay shirt, a Sublime hoodie, a Wu Tang headband, Offspring gauntlets, and a wallet chain, all at the same time. I looked up, and all around me everything was at least 10 years out of style. I was frightened.
At first, I assumed the reason that the Heights are 20 years behind the times is because of the horrible, archaic public transportation system. They use jitneys, like in the 1930's. They are alternatively called immigrant vans, or immies, but I find that term racist, as the Heights are because it's so behind the times. The last time I took one, the driver was a deaf, 90-year-old who spoke no English, smoked a Cuban Cigar, and had a tumour on his nose. It looked like he had three noses. He drives the warped line of time and he's drunk.
Which brings me to my point: I believe that space and time are warped at this point. It's like the Bermuda Triangle of Jersey City. It may, in fact, be an opening to hollow earth. Perhaps, everyone who lives in the Heights inhabits the inner surface of the earth as well--that's how they keep their raver pants from the ravages of time.
Here is a map. You'll notice The Heights is near the upper left hand side.
Monday, April 9, 2007
Buy my face!
"Saint Melissa" tape portrait by Kayt Hester Lent.
She says the hole in my chest is for BlackHole but it's probably because she thinks I'm flat.
I don't know how much she's selling it for, but my beauty is priceless like indoor plumbing.
VODKA BABY!
Hey Maryurie,
It's been so long since I talked to you! What, like 5 years? How's everything?
Remember when we used to drink down by the train tracks under the Turnpike when we were like, 15? Well guess what: that whole time there was a baby who was murdered by his father buried there! Isn't that funny? It was in the Jersey Journal and everything! Look: I cut it out. Home town pride!
"Using heavy machinery, shovels and dirt sifters, authorities on Monday dug through a brush-covered area under an elevated portion of the New Jersey Turnpike at Merseles and First streets in Downtown Jersey City, but came up empty. Reportedly, Williams said he'd buried the 2-year-old's clothed body there under 3 feet of dirt."
We'd get so wasted we'd ROLL down that ditch! So I guess those were those weird clothes.
So, how's the baby? I mean YOUR baby, not that one. It's dead. Do you still hang out under the Turnpike? Downtown is really becoming gentrified. Remember when we saw that shack and that guy asked us if we wanted to watch TV we could come inside? Well now it's a whole shanty town made of tents and I think he's the mayor. He's doing really well for himself. They've got a flag up and everything. It soars proudly over the cemetary.
Anyway, so I have a blog now. The comedy thing is going great. I played this awesome basement show the other night. They said if I keep it up, I might move to street level one day. Street performers make MONEY!
You should stop by my mom's basement one day we'll hang out and drink and bring that baby! Babies love vodka. My mom needs the computer.
KIT
It's been so long since I talked to you! What, like 5 years? How's everything?
Remember when we used to drink down by the train tracks under the Turnpike when we were like, 15? Well guess what: that whole time there was a baby who was murdered by his father buried there! Isn't that funny? It was in the Jersey Journal and everything! Look: I cut it out. Home town pride!
"Using heavy machinery, shovels and dirt sifters, authorities on Monday dug through a brush-covered area under an elevated portion of the New Jersey Turnpike at Merseles and First streets in Downtown Jersey City, but came up empty. Reportedly, Williams said he'd buried the 2-year-old's clothed body there under 3 feet of dirt."
We'd get so wasted we'd ROLL down that ditch! So I guess those were those weird clothes.
So, how's the baby? I mean YOUR baby, not that one. It's dead. Do you still hang out under the Turnpike? Downtown is really becoming gentrified. Remember when we saw that shack and that guy asked us if we wanted to watch TV we could come inside? Well now it's a whole shanty town made of tents and I think he's the mayor. He's doing really well for himself. They've got a flag up and everything. It soars proudly over the cemetary.
Anyway, so I have a blog now. The comedy thing is going great. I played this awesome basement show the other night. They said if I keep it up, I might move to street level one day. Street performers make MONEY!
You should stop by my mom's basement one day we'll hang out and drink and bring that baby! Babies love vodka. My mom needs the computer.
KIT
Friday, April 6, 2007
"I can't use that quote."
Last night I stopped by the Waterbug to read Tom the most recent thing I wrote about his baby.
There was a guy from the Bergen Record who asked me for a qoute for an article he was writing on the show.
I said, "How about, 'Melissa Surach used to host the Waterbug until she got attacked on stage by this big ghetto chick.'"
He said he couldn't use it.
Then I said, "How about, 'The Waterbug crowd is so down to earth that no one ever bombs, even if they sing acapella Sarah Macsuckland extended covers off key.'"
He didn't know who Sarah Macsuckland was.
Then I said, "How about, 'The Waterbug is the only place Melissa Surach can perform at whenever she wants on a Thursday night that's three blocks away from her house.'"
He said it was the best review he'd heard about the Waterbug all night.
The highlight of the night was one old white lady who did interpretive dances off stage to everyone's performance without even being asked to ALL NIGHT LONG THAT'S STAMINA. For a 50-year-old she sure could move!
When she got on stage, she told us that she used to be one of America's top ten most wanted and did time for 5 years. Then, as she read her poem, she fell asleep standing up. Then, when she got off, she tried to make out with 2 20-year-olds. Luckily, they had quick reflexes. I saw her outside and she pretended to get hit by a car.
After the show she told me that I was mean to Tom and I should never do that again on stage. Tom asked her out and then I asked if I could be their baby. We had a group hug and Tom told me no.
I hope she's there on when I guest host on May 17, but I think she'll probably be dead.
There was a guy from the Bergen Record who asked me for a qoute for an article he was writing on the show.
I said, "How about, 'Melissa Surach used to host the Waterbug until she got attacked on stage by this big ghetto chick.'"
He said he couldn't use it.
Then I said, "How about, 'The Waterbug crowd is so down to earth that no one ever bombs, even if they sing acapella Sarah Macsuckland extended covers off key.'"
He didn't know who Sarah Macsuckland was.
Then I said, "How about, 'The Waterbug is the only place Melissa Surach can perform at whenever she wants on a Thursday night that's three blocks away from her house.'"
He said it was the best review he'd heard about the Waterbug all night.
The highlight of the night was one old white lady who did interpretive dances off stage to everyone's performance without even being asked to ALL NIGHT LONG THAT'S STAMINA. For a 50-year-old she sure could move!
When she got on stage, she told us that she used to be one of America's top ten most wanted and did time for 5 years. Then, as she read her poem, she fell asleep standing up. Then, when she got off, she tried to make out with 2 20-year-olds. Luckily, they had quick reflexes. I saw her outside and she pretended to get hit by a car.
After the show she told me that I was mean to Tom and I should never do that again on stage. Tom asked her out and then I asked if I could be their baby. We had a group hug and Tom told me no.
I hope she's there on when I guest host on May 17, but I think she'll probably be dead.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
My sketch or your baby. You have to choose.
Tom.
The show is tomorrow and we haven't even practiced once because someone is being a whiny baby and crying. Well soon it's going to be you, Tom, soon YOU'LL be crying.
You have to make a choice: My sketch or your baby. You are obviously too incompetent to handle both. You're going to have to give one up, and I think we both know which.
The baby sucks, Tom, and my sketch is genius. You will realize that once we get through the harmonies and choreography. Have you even TRIED to juggle those pins that I gave you and told you to learn to juggle? Does that little mermaid dress I gave you even fit? I bet you were too busy changing diapers and breastfeeding.
AND ANOTHER THING:
I had to take the subway to Queens last night, in the rain, because SOMEONE had to be put to bed at 8:00 pm.
You have to make a decision: Giving me rides to Queens or your baby.
The baby is RUINING my transportation schedule and my life. Last night the E was messed up and it took me almost two hours to get home, when it could have only taken one and a half if you drove me, and then I almost jumped in the tracks because I was so consumed with hatred for your baby.
If you're not going to get rid of the baby, please at least teach it to drive me to Queens and juggle, OR AT LEAST LET ME BORROW IT!
I hate your baby.
Sincerely,
Melissa
The show is tomorrow and we haven't even practiced once because someone is being a whiny baby and crying. Well soon it's going to be you, Tom, soon YOU'LL be crying.
You have to make a choice: My sketch or your baby. You are obviously too incompetent to handle both. You're going to have to give one up, and I think we both know which.
The baby sucks, Tom, and my sketch is genius. You will realize that once we get through the harmonies and choreography. Have you even TRIED to juggle those pins that I gave you and told you to learn to juggle? Does that little mermaid dress I gave you even fit? I bet you were too busy changing diapers and breastfeeding.
AND ANOTHER THING:
I had to take the subway to Queens last night, in the rain, because SOMEONE had to be put to bed at 8:00 pm.
You have to make a decision: Giving me rides to Queens or your baby.
The baby is RUINING my transportation schedule and my life. Last night the E was messed up and it took me almost two hours to get home, when it could have only taken one and a half if you drove me, and then I almost jumped in the tracks because I was so consumed with hatred for your baby.
If you're not going to get rid of the baby, please at least teach it to drive me to Queens and juggle, OR AT LEAST LET ME BORROW IT!
I hate your baby.
Sincerely,
Melissa
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
GynoCult Pins
GynoCult is getting pins made so we can give them to our "fans," and by "fans" I mean we're going to force our friends to prick celebrities in subways with them.
These are some pin ideas I've been ignoring customers at my job for. Many were inspired by Journal Square.
GynoCult: We make house calls.
GynoCult: Disease free since 2009.
GynoCult: Get vaccinated.
GynoCult: Hot on the outside, cold on the inside.
GynoCult: Go suck on an egg!*
GynoCult: Prove us wrong.
GynoCult: Wet on the outside, dry on the inside.
GynoCult: Dead on the outside, alive on the inside.
GynoCult: Sub-Saharan Africa Tour 2007.
GynoCult: GynoCult wants to rape you.
GynoCult: GynoCult believes in government mandated sterilization.
Chris told me we should put a picture of a butt on it. But I think we're going to keep it classy and have an anus instead.
SO WHO WANTS ONE?
* I like this one because I'm trying to bring this phrase back to 2007 AND I NEED EVERYONE'S HELP! From now on, instead of telling someone to F off, say, "Go suck on an egg!" Now that's an insult my mom would approve of!
These are some pin ideas I've been ignoring customers at my job for. Many were inspired by Journal Square.
GynoCult: We make house calls.
GynoCult: Disease free since 2009.
GynoCult: Get vaccinated.
GynoCult: Hot on the outside, cold on the inside.
GynoCult: Go suck on an egg!*
GynoCult: Prove us wrong.
GynoCult: Wet on the outside, dry on the inside.
GynoCult: Dead on the outside, alive on the inside.
GynoCult: Sub-Saharan Africa Tour 2007.
GynoCult: GynoCult wants to rape you.
GynoCult: GynoCult believes in government mandated sterilization.
Chris told me we should put a picture of a butt on it. But I think we're going to keep it classy and have an anus instead.
SO WHO WANTS ONE?
* I like this one because I'm trying to bring this phrase back to 2007 AND I NEED EVERYONE'S HELP! From now on, instead of telling someone to F off, say, "Go suck on an egg!" Now that's an insult my mom would approve of!
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