My Last Myspace Survey

In general, I feel that surveys should be of one's property and not one's personality. But sometimes they are a distraction from thoughts of suicide.

I posted this survey for Judy:

Hey Judy! What's so great about giving up on life? $450.50

The value of giving up on life: invaluable.

I am at home on a Friday night because I have given up on life. This survey seemed to me that it would entertain Judy if I filled it out. If you read the directions, you'll notice that I didn't follow them. I made a better version, and it's also therapy for self-hatred.

Old, Stupid, Bad Directions:
This is fun to do. Just read the "offense" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine. Title your bulletin "My Bar Tab is $........" You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.

Melissa's Directions:
Give reasons for why you do things. Everyone cares about my motivations.

Smoked pot -- $10
Self-medication for depression, but since I've been unemployed and broke, I just get poorer and sadder and have less and less pot.

Did acid -- $5
Sometimes I wish I could spray acid on your ugly face and kill you.

Ever had sex at church -- $25
I was raised Episcopalian, so obviously, yes. I WANNA FUCK JESUS ALL THE TIME ESPECIALLY WHEN HE'S DEAD BUT HIS SPIRIT LIVES ON.

Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you-- $40
I don't even know myself, much less that Dirty Dog!

Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Like message sex? Who cares.

Had sex for money -- $100
I've been paid to stop.

Ever had sex with the a Puerto Rican -- $20
Puerto Ricans are rapists. Right Judy?

Vandalized something -- $20
MY VAGINA.

Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
No one has sex on my parents's bed.

Beat up someone -- $20
Do babies count?

Been jumped -- $10
By two sexy teenagers!

Crossed dressed -- $10
Sometimes, my male acquaintances tell me that it makes them uncomfortable when I draw a beard on my face and take pictures of myself in masculine positions and show them to them in bars.

Given money to stripper -- $25
To get an education, whore!

Been in love with a stripper -- $20
I usually just pity them and spray them with Febreeze.

Kissed some one who's name you didn't know --$10
Name one. I can't.

Hit on some one of the same sex while at work-- $15
No, everyone at my job is a fucking DYKE! And I work from home.

Ever drive drunk -- $20
I don't drive. I have an intern to do that, and she borrows my mother's car.

Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
If I'm not drunk, it's not working.

Used toys while having sex -- $30
Boys ARE toys.

Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
It's the only way I can sleep at night. I'm afraid of the past!

Went skinny dipping -- $5
Hey everyone, who wants to see my vaj mahal tomorrow?

Had sex in a pool -- $20
Once I almost did it with this really gross guy in Florida when I was really desperate. Back then, I had also given up on life, and when I saw that Miama trash boner, I thought, "Maybe this will raise my self-esteem by 2 points." But it didn't.

Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Only relatives.

Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
What sex is a pillow? How about a stump?

Cheated on your significant other -- $10
IT AIN'T CHEATIN' IF YOU AIN'T SIGNIT.

Masturbated -- $10
I masturbate to the idea of, one day, losing my virginity. My food allergy virginity.

Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Only with relatives.

Done oral -- $5
Do babies count?

Got oral -- $5
Usually, only if the guy has a small penis that he's ashamed of and is hiding it for as long as possible.

Done / got oral in a car while it was moving-- $25
I've never even known a guy who owned a car.

Stole something -- $10
Why is your boyfriend such a pussy all the time?

Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Only if he was on Death Row. I hate "callers."

Made a nasty home video -- $15
Every video I've made looks like shit.

Had a threesome -- $50
Yes! Self-Hatred, Self-Pity, and Self-Hatred.

Had sex in the wild -- $20
Like a bed? That's crazy! I usually do it on broken bottles and AIDS.

Been in the same room while someone was having sex -- $25
Judy!

Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars -- $20
Like a baby?

Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Unfortunately, yes. Eeew.

Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 -- $25
I may be 26 right now, but I know what time the schools gets out!

Been in love with two people or more at the same time -- $50
I want to kill everyone all the time.

Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
No, but I use the "H" word a lot.

Went streaking -- $5
Almost. I've been showing my boobs more and more in hilarious situations. If I go to the Mermaid Parade tomorrow, they're gonna be blue.

Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
If I go to the Mermaid Parade, I'm gonna wear my vagina on the outside!

Been arrested -- $5
No, there was too much shooting.

Spent time in jail -- $15
OF MY MIND!

Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Yes. That's why it turned green.

Played spin the bottle -- $5
When I was a baby.

Done something you regret -- $20
I regret everything.

Had sex with your best friend >-- $20
Judy?

Had sex with someone you work with at work --$25
Eew. No. I work from home.

Had anal sex -- $80
Everything I do is the opposite of anal.

Lied to your mate -- $5
Yeah, when I said, "It's over!"

Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25
They know when they fail.

Tally it up and Title it, "My Bar Tab Is $...."

Melissa says, "Just put a number somewhere."