Over-educated and underemployed: THESE ARE MY RESUMES!

I officially quit my job on Saturday so that I can go out at night.

Now I can:
a. Go see your show.
b. Do your show.
c. PARTY ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT LONG
d. Get hired by you.

It was extremely difficult for me to be at work at 6:00 am to bake after trying to do comedy at night and I felt like a poser.

I gave my boss one-week-notice, but then I guess she flipped out and decided to have the last word and told me not to come in at all and that she was going to post a bulletin on myspace about it, and then she took herself and my old job's profile off my myspace friend list, even though she's too old to be on myspace anyway. So I'm out of a job sooner than I thought. She also tore my calendar off the wall.

If you are hiring, I would like either a job with hours something like 10-6 or a well-paying bartending job where I'll make like $1000 a night and only have to work one night a week. I'll show boobs and knees.

This is my restaurant resume followed by my writing resume. I think I forgot to say on it that I used to proofread the Yellow Pages. IT'S TRUE! Clips are available upon request.

This is my headshot. It is also my Shot Girl/Sports Bar Bartender picture.



MELISSA SURACH
BARTENDER, SERVER

¨ Experienced in bar, food, management, and serving
¨ Fast, reliable server with computer skills
¨ Friendly, polite and attentive
¨ Fluent in English, proficient in Japanese, conversational French and Spanish

EDUCATION

New York University, 2005
Professional Film Certificate
New York, New York

McGill University, 2003
B.A. Mathematics and Statistics
Montreal, Quebec, Canada

EXPERIENCE

Sweet Priscilla’s, Jersey City, NJ, 2006-2007 – Manager, Assistant Chef, Barista
¨ Managed staff and food quality
¨ Created new and original baked goods
¨ Made delicious coffee and espresso drinks

LITM, Jersey City, NJ, 2006 – Bartender, Barback, Cocktail server
¨ Made martinis and art cocktails with wide range of ingredients for upscale bar
¨ Stocked beer, wine, syrups, fruit, etc. for busy bar

Maxwell’s, Hoboken, NJ, 2005-2006 – Server, Hostess
¨ Hosted, greeted, seated, and maintained order
¨ Ran food, drinks, added checks and tax without a calculator
¨ Booked, promoted and managed comedy shows
¨ Managed full section with high turnover from sold out shows

The Liberty Bar and Grill, Hoboken, NJ, 2005 – Server
¨ Greeted and seated guests for extremely busy upscale sports bar with high turnover
¨ Served inside and outside, ran orders and drinks
¨ Won awards for sales

The Hamilton Park Ale House, Jersey City, NJ, 2004 – Server
¨ Served both inside and outside, ran orders, food, drinks, bussed tables
¨ Set up and broke down tables inside and out
¨ Greeted and seated guests

Hoboken All Star Comedy, Hoboken, NJ, 2003 – Cocktail Server
¨ Sole cocktail waitress for 22 tables in only comedy club in Hoboken
¨ Prepared stage for performers and room for guests
¨ Set up bar and made drinks
¨ Ran drinks from multiple bars
.................................................................................

MELISSA SURACH
WRITER, COMEDIAN

SKILLS

>> Knowledge of AP and MLA style, Avid Xpress, Adobe Photoshop, Quark Xpress, Adobe Illustrator, Adobe PageMaker, Final Draft, Microsoft Office on both Macintosh and PC
>>Work well under pressure with excellent writing skills
>>Self-motivated perfectionist, meticulous

EXPERIENCE

>>PRODUCER 2006-Present
BlackHole Comedy Shows
Started Melissa Surach’s BlackHole, the best alternative comedy show in New Jersey.
Ran at Maxwell’s and The Goldhawk, currently running at the premier Jersey City Gallery, fifty8.
Booked acts, promoted shows, hosted, managed entire multi-media production

>> COMEDIAN 2004-Present
Stand up, GynoCult, Jersey City, NJ
Founding member of all female comedy troupe/webzine (gynocult.com) based in Jersey City
Managed content and contributors, wrote articles, designed graphics
Directed, wrote and edited short films, photo essays, and live sketches
As a stand up, I perform around Jersey and New York City.

>> EDITORIAL ASSISTANT 2004 - 2005
BUST, New York, NY
Reviewed manuscripts and organized submissions for women’s magazine
Contributed reviews
Proofread and fact checked articles for final print
Assisted the editors in every step of production

>>PRESIDENT/EDITOR-IN-CHIEF 2002-2003
Red Herring Magazine, Montréal, Québec, Canada
Editor of comedy magazine of McGill University; launched popular sections of magazine; appointed positions; directed content
Doubled production and increased distribution by 150% under the same budget as previous year
Revamped ailing magazine, raised it to #3 publication status on McGill campus (out of ~20 publications), described as “hilarious” and “cutting-edge”
Initiated web publishing on www.redherring.hm
Founded and head writer of a monthly column in The McGill Tribune (the #1 publication)
Organized successful sketch comedy fund raisers in conjunction with local comedians and musicians
Nominated for “2003 Guy Awards: Club of the Year”

EDUCATION

>> New York University/Tisch School of the Arts, New York, NY
Professional Film Certificate, Screenwriting, 2005

>> McGill University, Montréal, Québec, Canada
Bachelor of Arts, 2003
Major: Mathematics and Statistics
Minors: Philosophy, Japanese Language and Literature

>> People's Improv Theater, New York, NY
Screenwriting with Michael Showalter, 2007

>> Upright Citizen's Brigade Theater, New York, NY
Improv Program, 2007

Closing act for April's BlackHole: COPS!

Unfortunately, I haven't been able to blog ALL WEEK because I'm not allowed to at my job anymore (we had a staff meeting about it) and Verizon won't even answer my phone calls anymore so I still don't have internet at home.

Last Wednesday was one of the best BlackHole shows I've ever done. There was stand up, musical comedy, a magician who swallowed razor blades, obscene testicular poetry--and the closing band was Coffin Daggers, who rocked so hard that I am not allowed to have a closing band anymore because some stupid wasp called the cops and closed the show down. That person is such a square and probably never gets laid.

The line up for April 25th was:
Jessica Delfino
Vince Averill
Alexander the Poet
Mike O'Rourke
Stuart Palm
Coffin Daggers



I didn't get to play my classical-music-stand-up act like I'd planned because the show was overbooked and I didn't have time. But next time I'll make sure not to over book it. So far, the line up for next month includes Mike Burns, Sue Ball, and Stuckey and Murray.

From now on, I plan on taping BlackHole, editing it down to a half an hour, and showing it on public access, (like Art House) and internet.

If you are stuck up and don't want to come to Jersey City to see my show, remember this: Nothing in Manhattan is up-and-coming anymore, and it's gotten so homogeneous that you have to go to horrible places like Jersey City to see new things, or maybe Queens or Brooklyn.

My butt still hurts.

I broke my butt!

Last night, Abe's parents were out of town, so he could have girls over if there was a chaperone. I fell down his stairs on my butt TWICE because the stairs are very narrow and carpeted and my socked feet slipped. AND NO, I wasn't drunk the second time.

After I complained for several hours, we had a rambling conversation about our relationship and I don't remember what the outcome was. We both woke up sad, but melancholy is generally our baseline anyway.

I looked up broken coccyx on webmd and things don't look very promising. It said to go to a doctor but, "A rectal examination may also be performed. For this exam, the physician inserts a finger into your rectum to feel the area of the coccyx and determine if there is a dislocation or a fracture that can be felt and if direct pressure against the coccyx reproduces your pain." Can't I do this exam myself?

Also, I'm supposed to get a dough nut butt pillow like old people have. I'm going to a party tonight. How's it going to look if I carry around a bright red dough nut butt pillow and take 20 minutes to sit down? It's going to look like I shouldn't be at the party.

And then there's BlackHole on Wednesday. Am I going to have to do the show in a butt cast? I'm pretty sure it'll look like an external diaper. How many butt cast jokes will I have to write? The show's almost three hours long. THREE HOURS OF BUTT CAST MATERIAL?

THE CHAPERONE SUCKS.

Who wants to get me pregnant as an act of Civil Disobedience?

Even though I'm in a man-hating mood tonight, I want to get knocked up, preferably by an ugly loser who I don't care about. He can be really old and fat, too. I don't care. He can even have AIDS, because IF I CAN'T HAVE LATE-TERM ABORTIONS, WHAT WILL I LIVE FOR? BABIES? YUCK!

Yesterday, the Supreme Court upheld the big giant abortion ban that doesn't even have an exception for the life of the woman. This proves that the prevailing ideology in the US values a man's seed more than a woman's life. Besides, the US needs baby machines to supply little tiny soldiers for the wars that we start.

SO, let's have an abortion. I've been trying for some time, but I just can't conceive, mostly because when guys do me, they use as much protection as possible, like 5 condoms saran wrap and duct tape for some reason.

My room mate sucks even though she hasn't moved in yet.

I live by myself, and I've always felt that, with my hatred of cleanliness and penchant for parading around in ripped, yellowed unmentionables, that I am beyond having room mates. I can barely have house guests. Or, if I do, they must not be able to smell or stop looking at my crotch.

I'm being forced to have a room mate over the summer. Not because I'm broke, which I am, but because my parents are kicking my sister out and she has no where to go. Well, they're not really kicking her out, more like she's getting laid off from her room because there's no space for her right now.

She doesn't want to live with me either. She says I'm gross and annoying. But grandpa has to move into her room until his house gets built. So, she can either be my, or my 86-year-old Polish grandpa's room mate. Grandpa'll cramp her style because he likes to talk about God, Belarus, the army, and death. He keeps trying to force us into the military, get married, and have babies with weird Polish guys.

She's trying to force me to clean out my office because she won't sleep on my "grungy-ass couch." I wonder how she'll feel sleeping in my "grungy-ass toilet."

At least I'll have an intern all summer long.

DID YOU HEAR THAT STEPHANIE? YOU WILL BE MY INTERN. I'LL GIVE YOU CREDIT.

NOT COLLEGE CREDIT, BUT MORE LIKE A NOD.

This is a picture I made about how I feel.


You can't read it because I don't have an intern to show me how to make it bigger.

But the little bubble says, "I spend too much time on eyebrows," and the big bubble says, "I think I'm too good to sleep on Melissa's couch because I'm afraid of a little rabbit pee. I'm so college. I got all the Polish genes in the family and I burn easily. I wish I had Melissa's hair."

You've ruined my day, asshole.

Dear Tom,

I was looking forward all day to the shoot tonight, to spending the night in a Newark landfill that's only accessible by foot. It's the only thing that kept me from weeping all day and stabbing customers at work. I may have only one line, and I may not make it out alive, but at least it gave me a reason to live, for a little while. Now that it's not happenning until Sunday, I feel like killing myself. I don't know if I can last that long.

I will be sitting in a dumpster waiting for you to call me back. Answer my cries for help. Help me fly away on a seagull, into my dreams.

Sincerely,
Melissa

If only my job were legal!

Do you think it's obnoxious of me to watch an entire episode of LOST online while I'm at work? I'll use headphones! Maybe.

I don't work in an office, I work in a cafe, baking, and I'm doing a very good job of ignoring customers AND my boss at the same time. I'm pretending I'm doing paperwork, even though I don't handle any, because I'm a baker. We're having a staff meeting tomorrow that I didn't know about, and I'm the manager, which makes me think that it's going to be about me not managing.

I think my boss will be like, "Melissa, I don't pay you to blog."

And I'll say, "Don't read my blogs. They'll hurt your feelings."

I've just spent about an hour looking for this:


Now I'm going to try to find a company to airbush a T-shirt of it for me. I want a picture of Hurley on each of my boobs.