Poverty Diet: Lose Weight Cheaply

As many of you may know, a few months ago I quit my job at Sweet Priscilla's, where I was assistant manager and chef.

As many of you have seen, there's a lot of fat around that cafe. The basic recipe for everything was a pound of butter, a dozen eggs, a half pound of sugar, and some flour, and IT SHOWS.

In the year that I worked there, I gained 20 pounds.

In the two and a half months that I've been unemployed, I've lost it all because I am currently living below the poverty level and all I can afford to eat are onions.

But I can finally fit into pants my size again and go topless around the neighborhood.

But with all these changes, my right boob is looking wierd. It better get itself back into shape because I might have to, reluctantly, become a stripper.

I hate dancing and men with eyes!

$0.25

Currently, my paying-job is editing jokes for www.joke-of-the-day.com.

I DO NOT WRITE THE JOKES. I DO NOT WRITE THE JOKES. I DO NOT WRITE THE JOKES.

I edit them according to the style guide.

However, I DO write the captions for the images. I am only mildly embarassed by these, and you can look at them if you want.

My user name is The Idiot.

Oh, and this is the funniest joke I've edited all week:

18 Inches
Q: What's 18 inches and makes a woman scream all night long?
A: Crib Death.

Yankee Doodle Dandy

Happy Fourth Of July, FAGS.

Kill My "Friends"

Last night, I went to the Corkscrew for Billy's Open Mic.

Basically, the open mic at the Corkscrew is a bunch of hot dudes sitting around drinking and whenever you want to go up, you can, and I was the only girl there. The best part about it is that there's no poetry, and I was the only girl there. And the alcohol is cheap.

At first, I was concerned that the guys there would start calling me a man hater and stone me, as is my experience in the Heights (Abe). As you know from a previous post, the Heights are not very progressive, and they are 1995 at best.

Since my job hasn't paid me in three weeks, I had only $10 on me, so I couldn't afford a cab home, and my stupid "friends" never showed up, so I was stranded in the Heights. Luckily, Billy lives downtown and was kind enough to let me get in his cab. Thanks, Billy.

Being stranded, I was tempted to call Abe, as I have done in the past at the Corkscrew, because it's by his house, but I am still overwhelmed by hatred, and if I were to talk to him, it would probably just be hysterical shrieking.

From now on, all of my friends are going to be dildos. They'll always give me a ride downtown.

Comedy So Far

Since I started doing comedy on stage about a year and a half ago, these things have happened to me:

-I've received hatemail, both emailed and handwritten.

-I was fired from my job because of the hate mail delivered there.

-I was attacked on stage by this ghetto chick who tried to rip out my nose ring.

-The police have closed my show, BlackHole, down early due to noise complaints at 11:00 pm.

-The police tried to shut the show down indefinitely and ticket me for not having an entertainment license (it would have been $1000).

-Because of my calendar, every pervert in the neighborhood thinks he can talk to me on the street about my personality.

-I can't find a day job to fit my schedule so right now I'm a freelance joke editor for Humor Lab and I make $10 a day, so I can't afford train fare to go out.

-I think Verizon shut my phone off today, which doesn't irk me too much, because I think that the police were bugging it anyway.

-I drink almost as much as I did when I was 16.

Comedy has given me the gift of poverty and local notoriety.

But still, after all of this, I had not learned much about comedy or life until last Wednesday, at BlackHole, where I finally learned that I am a much better performer when I don't wear pants.

Sometimes I think I'm a Doctor

I've been drinking soy milk instead of cow's milk for several months now. I switched because it's healthier, it lasts longer so I don't drink curdled milk as much by accident, and I thought the estrogen would help me curb excess hair. I have a strong hair gene and sometimes the hairs make people uncomfortable.

I've lost 13 pounds, I'm starting to get hips, and my right boob got bigger. Hopefully the left one will catch up before I look ridiculous. I almost look like a teenager. I certainly dress like one! This look is affected by my clothes, which are mostly from highschool.

I've also taken to adding St. John's Wart to iced tea to curb my suicidal tendencies. It's been working pretty well. Commercials don't upset me and I don't get broken hearts from, say, Ghost Whisperer or Animal Cops, anymore.

Used consistemtly, it stabilizes my mood, and I haven't curled into a ball for two weeks, except for Friday, when three awful things happenned and my life fell into shambles. But I'm okay now. You can stop worrying about me, but I'd still like you to buy me drinks and I'd still enjoy your pity.

A Fucking Korn Song?

This is a joke I just edited:

Q: What does ADIDAS stand for?
A: All Day I Dream About Sex.

Now, I know it's just a job, and that it's not my responsibility to judge whether they are funny or not, but a Korn song from 1994 that only posers liked? Are you kidding me?

Sometimes my job makes me want to kill the 90's, but they're already dead.

And another thing: Thursday-Friday were the worst 24 hours of my life, romantically, financially, and professionally, in that order. They can be summed up as: Abe Being Shit Head Again And Shouting At Me In The Street Like We're In A Trailer Park, No Money For Three Weeks, and Cops, Cops, Cops!

I think that Korn should write a song about me, but it would probably suck and only posers would like it.

WHAT IS UP WITH THE HAIR?