Let's make a bet: How many condoms will Dirty poo?

Dirty had a garbage party last night while we were sleeping.

He had so much fun going through the waste basket in the bedroom, the kitchen garbage, AND the bathroom waste.

I got up to yell at him two or three times, and so did my boyfriend. But, in the dark, he pretended he was sleeping and being a good dog. Then in the morning, his dog bed had a bunch of napkins, a condom wrapper, something that looked like a half-eaten pad, and a box in it. There was also a trail of white stuff around my bed.

I would have taken pictures, but as you know, a Canadian ghost from 1812 broke my camera.

In the middle of the night, Dirty kept trying to get on the bed and he cried for like 30 minutes. My boyfriend says that he probably had a stomach ache. He thinks that Dirty uses used condoms like how fat people suck the fillings out of creme donuts.

He hasn't pooed any condoms yet, but he did poo twine out the other day AGAIN. I think he has a slow digestive system. I don't have any twine, so he must have eaten it before I got him, about 9 months ago.

Poor Dirty.

New York's Sixth Borough BLECH!

So I googled myself today and noticed I was listed on a blog called "New York's Sixth," which I think is to promote Jersey City to rich people to move in and waspify the city further.

If I wasn't from here I wouldn't be able to afford to move here.

Jersey City is not New York's Sixth borough. It's Jersey City. Jersey City natives are more New York than the jerks who move to New York and make fun of New Jersey. We still have our accents. No one who lives in Brooklyn has a Brooklyn accent anymore.

I wouldn't mind the rich people moving in to much if they would donate some money to my shows...and shoes. I have none. Also, I hear they think that I'm disgusting.

My New Old CD

I went CD shopping at the Salvation Army over the weekend. I got Def Tech presents Jawaiian Style Record Laniakea and Greetings From New Jersey Welcome to USA's Rock & Roll Capital. Rustin got Kidz Bop Halloween, which he dances to.

I was really disappointed that my Jawaiian cd was missing the cd and it was just the case. Jerk. It was made in Japan too. I at least wanted to figure out what Jawaiian means. But the Greetings From New Jersey cd is fun. It's a compilation of bands from New Jersey that almost made it in the 1980's. It's the most fun I've ever had giving myself a head ache.

I wonder whatever happened to Pompeii, the band?

My butt's gonna surprise you!

I've been doing some thinking about money that I don't have and the next thing I'm going to throw money away on is going to be a new tattoo. I was considering making a comedy EP, but that would probably be a waste of EP.

I used to want to get a tattoo of a sexy caveman with an unibrow, brow ridge, club, and loin cloth.

But now I want to get a tattoo of me popping out of of a garbage can like I'm surprising you on my butt.

Posting my phone number online was regrettable.

I posted my phone number as the BabyHole contact info for Giggle Chick's open mic posting, and that was a terrible mistake.

People call me while I'm on stage and in the morning when I am sleeping. Sometimes I get excited because I think it's a potential employer, but it's just a useless stranger.

If you know anything about me, it's that I don't usually answer my phone because my grandma calls me all the time and sometimes I get tired of reading coupons to her or eating glumpki. This week I had 13 messages from her, and I've been to her house three times. I'm also hiding from bill collectors.

I put my phone number up because Toy Eaters doesn't have a land line. I'm sorry if I didn't return your phone calls. Don't take it personally. Just please check the schedule on this blog for BabyHole info.

Last Night's BabyHole

Last night was yet another great big tiny BabyHole. I wish I had pictures but, as you know, last year in Toronto a ghost broke my camera and I have yet to send it in. As soon as I get $10, I'll fix it.

The featured band was the band formerly known as Savu Sea. They were really good. I've never been good at describing music, but I believe they had guitars and drums and fancy sounds. They were really good and I swayed a little, which is as far as I can dance.

Emily Epstein was the featured comedian. I introduced her as the love child of Bob Hope and Mary K. Letourneau. I didn't know what that meant at the time and I still don't. She was really funny. The best thing I like about her is that she doesn't have that typical weirdo-comedian attitude that makes me hate dealing with comedians. What a breath of fresh air. Also, her boyfriend has a glass eye.

Only two people signed up for the open mic, but the show was packed. A bunch of people brought in cases of beer because BYO is ok. That was fine. But the donations were scarce. Next time, if you bring beer, at least tip the bartender for opening it. And remember that the suggested donation is $5 for attending. I made $8 after I paid out train fare. I was expecting $15.

At least I can do laundry today. If you saw what I was wearing last night, you'd understand. Thanks, ghost.

Video from last week

This is the video from Jen's show last week. I stutter a little bit and notice how big my face looks on camera.