I was on my way to a job interview the other day when my pants totally split across my ass and my butt cheek was hanging out. Even though I had time to go home and change, I didn't, partly because I enjoy being unemployed, but also because I had no other suitable pants. You're probably thinking, "Melissa, any pants with a butt would be more suitable than pants without a butt," but a lot of people think that my butt is better than my resume, and that's true.
I was on my way to a job interview today, in my best pants, and my fly kept going down and then I got a hole in the crotch when I was two blocks away from my house. I took this as a sign from the pants gods that I should not get a job, especially not at a chain restaurant in Times Square, and turned around and went home.
Should I have continued on to the interview wearing sweat shorts? Sweat shorts that kind of smell a little like two-week-old sex? Maybe. Maybe I should brag about getting laid at job interviews more, maybe then they'd think that I was cool and hire me.
Basically I wrote this to tell everyone that I GOT LAID!