Jersey City 2009 Candidate Endorsements

I'm endorsing the candidates last minute because I was waiting to interview them for my show and I would then make a decision based on how nice they were to me and the gifts they would bring me. However, either they told me I would get an interview and then reneged (Mayor Healy) or ignored me entirely (everyone besides Dan Levin).

Here are my endorsements for the 2009 Jersey City Election. I'll start with the Wards that no one cares about:

Ward A - Greenville
Greenville is known for its high murder rate and open air heroin deals. It's where my dad's side of the family is from, though they moved to the suburbs before they had an opportunity to be shot.

For this ward, I endorse Andre Richardson, an independent. I'm endorsing Mr. Richardson because he is a sexy black man, and Greenville needs more of that.


Ward B - Greenville/Westside (I guess)
I call this area Chromium Land.

All of these candidates seemed pretty terrible, so I'm just going to endorse the incumbent, Phil Kenny, on Healy's ticket.


Ward C - Journal Square
Journal Square is known for the PATH Station, Journal Square. Also, there's tons of haunted areas around here--haunted by both ghosts and homeless people with mental illnesses. It also has the most delicious neighborhood in town, India Square.

For this ward, I endorse Norrice Raymaker (One Jersey City) on Levin's ticket. I'm endorsing her because she loves puppies and so do I.


Ward D - The Heights
The Heights is known for it's absolute lack of anything to do at night and everyone that's from there dresses like it's 1995.

I'm endorsing James Carroll on the Manzo ticket because he seems like the candidate least likely to kill someone/die.


Ward E - Downtown
Downtown is known for its whiny yuppies and high rent. It leads the waspification of Jersey City. It's where I grew up, and it's where my mom's side of the family is from when part of it used to be a Polish ghetto (so I'm told).

i'm endorsing incumbent Steve Fulop, an independent, because he gave me an interview and I want to see his balls.


Ward F - Bergen Lafayette (I guess)
Bergen Lafayette is known for its gang turf wars, Chinese restaurants that sell cigarettes and crack pipes, and just being a general mess of murder and I won't go there at night. (Greenville's pretty bad too, but at least it seems to be trying.)

This was hard because the problems facing Lafayette are like that of the 3rd world, with its high unemployment and poverty, high school drop outs, guerilla warfare and drug trade. I tentatively endorse Viola Richardson, the incumbent on Healy's ticket, because I just don't know what to do.


At Large
There are 13 candidates running for At Large and I think I get to vote for 3 but I'm not sure. I'm still watching video of the debates, but so far I'm leaning towards Emilio Delia on Dan Levin's ticket (One Jersey City).


Mayor
I'm endorsing Dan Levin on the One Jersey City ticket. I endorse him because he seems to be the least corruptible and doesn't seem to be making any back door deals with evil people. Also, he gave me an interview. In this interview, I pretended the microphone was my penis and he laughed (though I think he was just being polite.)

However, I am willing to change my mind if anyone promises me an award. Here are some suggestions: The Prettiest Genius in Jersey City, The Most Beautiful and Smartest Humor Genius, or #1 Lady.

Greetings from my mailing list!

Hello everyone,

This was the email I sent out this morning:

BabyHole is canceled for tonight. But don't worry, it'll be back next week on May 5th with The McMickle Brothers and more.

BabyHole is going through some growing pains right now. It's changing. It might even get its period soon and act super bitchy. But don't get mad. It's blossoming. Just wait and see.

Here is one change to expect:

- The host. Would you like to host it? Be my guest. Sometimes I just need a night off for quality Melissa time. Email me if you're interested.

I'm also looking to book more bands. I don't know many guys in bands anymore since I stopped partying so much. So email me.

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Extras!

I'm shooting sketches for my public access show every weekend now and I pretty much always need extras. We can be stars together!

No pay, but I provide lunch and it's only for a few hours. Email me if you're interested.

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Sponsors!

My show will broadcast on Comcast NJ, throughout the entire state, not just Jersey City. How exciting! Sponsoring my show is a great way to reach thousands of customers in the area for very little money. If you don't have a commercial, I'll shoot it for cheap. Just sponsor me! Email me for rates.

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So in conclusion, just email me.

Thanks!
Melissa

I need extras tomorrow!

I'm shooting a sketch tomorrow and I need extras! It'll be for a few hours in the afternoon in Jersey City and I'll provide lunch.

The sketch is going to be part of my public access show and online.

Email me and I'll send you details.

Thanks!
Melissa

BabyHole tomorrow night!

Tomorrow night will be an awesome BabyHole and if you don't come you'll probably have nightmares about all of the mirth you missed and ghost births.

BabyHole Open Mic
Tuesday, April 21st, 9:00 pm, free

Featuring stand up by Dan St. Germain, Aalep Patel and rock and roll band The Undoings. Plus about 8 open mic slots for stand up, sketch and musical comedy. Hosted by me.

The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

WTF Hollywood?

So there are FOUR movie sets around my house today. The furthest one is four blocks away.

It's for a pilot about nurses from Iraq, which is going to be a comedy drama?

I'm thinking about standing around and touching things until they start paying me to pull cord.

I really need a job.

MELISSASURACH.COM! CALENDAR CLEARANCE SALE!

Well, it's been a few months, hundreds of tutorials and a few false starts, but I finally finished my website.

MelissaSurach.com

It's not the prettiest website or most efficient website. Some parts are ugly and clunky. It'll be streamlined later on in the week or maybe in the year. I was just so excited about my CALENDAR CLEARANCE SALE that I had to burst it out and I can't be bothered with finishing sentences or projects or using words properly today.

Buy my calendar for half price. Only $6!

Just go to www.melissasurach.com/merchandise.

Also, BabyHole is tonight. Some awesome comedians. Stand up by Rachel Parenta and Aalep Patel. Music by The McMickle Brothers. And about 8 open mic slots for sketch, stand up and musical comedy.

BABYHOLE OPEN MIC
Tuesday, March 31st, 9:00 pm, free!
The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

The Jersey City Independent

I've ridiculed the The Hudson Reporter and The Current's many faults, including the two-week old stories, typos and calendar mistakes, fluff stories about no-bodies and hacks, that they're basically real-estate classifieds, and the fact that they simply won't put "BabyHole" in their listings because it's too risque, which I think is stupid. What are we, Victorians?

(Meanwhile, I've been trying to get them to hire me as copy editor but they won't for some reason.)

And the Jersey Journal is a tabloid, but that's what we have left.

This city is closer to New York than Brooklyn, yet it is so much lamer. Why? Because the media (and local government and zoning laws) treats Jersey City people as barely literate babies with delicate sensibilities and no cognitive skills, reactionary and mobbish. And if you read JCList.com, a prominent internet bitching forum, that would be true.

If you treat a city like a baby, it'll act like a baby. (I'm talking to you, JC media and government.) I'm a firm believer that you can tell a city's sophistication by its free periodicals. Have you ever gone on vacation and not picked up the local paper to find things to do? Well that's what I do. And if I picked up The Current, I'd be disappointed and spend the night in my hostel playing board games with Europeans. But then again, Jersey City doesn't have hostels or European tourists.

There's finally a real new source for this town, Jersey City Independent. Jersey City Independent is a triumph over the BS and fluff of the other papers. I don't know why it took so long to get a news source covering relevant stories, but we finally have one.

The only drawback is that it's online, and you can't just pick up one on the street. And yes, print is dead, but maybe they can get some sort of subsidy to mass distribute, maybe when tourism picks up or something. Maybe one day we'll be able to have our Village Voice or New York Press. Maybe in a hundred years.