Monday, March 10, 2008

My terrible chores

This is my list of today's chores:

- Wash Dirty.
He somehow found my stash of nearly-expired dollar store chocolate and is now covered in it. It has melted into his fur. He's very hyper, being very bad, and will have diarhea soon. He ran in the park for 30 minutes straight, and is still freaking out.

- Sweep up shrimp heads.
Dirty some how knocked the dog gate askew (probably with chocolate power) and got into the garbage in the kitchen, where my stupid boyfriend left shrimp heads in an open garbage. Dirty had a shrimp head party in the laundry and all over the living room and under my bed.

- Mop up shrimp brains.
I have to mop up shrimp brains because now they are stuck to the floor, and Dirty keeps licking them. I'm caught between chastising him for being bad, and cleaning up his mess.

- Buy more scented things.
Dirty's farts smell like sulfur, and he's been farting all night long, so a fart cloud's been accumulating in my apartment for about 12 hours now. Also, there's something scary under my bed.

- Do laundry.
There are shrimp heads in my clothes and bedding. He got some on parts of blankets that were on the floor.

- Clean up poison mouse doo doo. For the past week and a half, I've had trouble keeping up with these mice and the amount of poison they consume. I don't know if they die or just abuse it to get high off. Anyway, their poo is the same color as the poison (blue), and it's a constant struggle to keep my food decontaminated.

- Buy more poison.
Two big containers have nearly been consumed, with no sign of slowing down.

- Put out resumes.
I need to pay for poison and laundry some how.

- Fix the internet and/or cancel it.
I accidentally uninstalled an ethernet device, and can't find the Windows disk to reinstall it. So now I'm at the library. It always smells like someone shit their pants here.

All on a budget of $5.00. And if I have time, I will do these things.

- Book BabyHole for March 18th. I've decided that we're going to celebrate women's month by having a benefit for a Jersey City woman's organization. I haven't decided which one (I'm researching it here at the library), but I'm going to book a woman comedian, hopefully have a woman band, and give money to something bigger than myself, which is usually what donations go to (what's left over from the beer and promotional materials and prizes and comedian's train fare). It will also be trivia night.

- Get essays ready for submission to publication.
My high brow humor essays are gonna make me poor some day.

- Finish script outlines for 2 video sketches.
My pretty face is aging.

The wierd thing about Dirty's shrimp head party is that no garbages were knocked down. He's getting smarter about stealing waste.

1 comment:

Louis James said...

Once my dog ate an entire bar of Lindt 85% Cocoa dark chocolate. She was flying, literally flying! Later she shat cardboard and tin foil.