BabyHole Revamp

Why you should go to Babyhole rather than be a homebody:

-It's the only place to see comedy in Jersey City by people who aren't old.
-BYO okay.
-Free vintage arcade games.

BabyHole Open Mic has a new format. From now on, the music portion of the open mic will be from 9:00 to 9:30, and all the comedy will be after that. Musical comedians can sign up for either portion.

Maxwell's is so dick.

Sunday was the Daniel Knepp Memorial Scholarship Benefit Concert at Maxwell's. I was the first act confirmed and had been booked for over two or three months. The lineup included me, Melissa Surach, The Coffin Daggers, Billy Pilgrim, and WJ & The Sweet Sacrifice.

However, the person in charge put everyone on the schedule except me, even though there's space, and despite repeated attempts by the promoters to rectify the print and online schedules, I was never added.

I circled the entry in green on this flier:


Because of this mistake, I didn't get the same treatment as the other performers, i.e. drink tickets and a meal. In the end my meal was comped, but I didn't get drink tickets like the other performers did.

Further complications ensued. The sound lady didn't believe that I was even booked. She thought I was some crazy lady trying to give her a cd, and had to confirm with the promoters.

But the worst part was yet to come. I was told that because I was never put on the schedule, my time was never alloted for. So they made me go on BEFORE the show started. I played to a crowd of 6 people from the other bands in a room that fits 200. My set ended around the time the show started and two minutes later a crowd filed in.

What was even more obnoxious was that the band that was supposed to go on after me because there wasn't enough time was made to wait a half an hour. So I could have gone on when the show had actually started after all.

Many audience members were disappointed that they'd missed me, and the promoters agreed that I should have gone on last when there was a full audience.

It was the worst show that I've done in a long, long time. I don't know why I was never included on the schedule, despite repeated attempts by the promoters, if it was an honest mistake or not. But if I made Danny's Fund any money, it was worth it. I did the show for Danny, not Maxwell's.

I hope that it's not because I used to wait tables at Maxwell's until I got hate mail for BlackHole and then I got fired two weeks later for supposedly receiving a record number of customer service complaints because of my "bad attitude," because that would be the stupidest and most petty thing I've ever encountered.

And then he wonders why open sores develop on his face...

These are pictures Rustin sent me from when he and his coworker had an eating contest at work. Rustin lost.

Ms. Killtown, Ms. Throwdown

For the Halloween BabyHole Extravaganza, we held the first ever Mr. and Ms. Killtown Competition. The Mr. Killtown competition was pretty tame. Ralph Santiago, the Camel guy won, which is not surprising because everyone loves him because he gives out free cigarettes.

I finally got pictures from the Ms. Killtown competition. This is Brooke Van Poppelen kicking Galina's ass...


...and winning the title of Ms. Killtown.



This is me dressed as Sylvia Browne with ReOdorant Joe. Does anyone have pictures of Montel? I don't.

IT'S NOT HERPES!!!!!!!!!!!

I tried to pop the zit on my lip twice but it hurt too much to do it properly and besides, it keeps coming back with a buddy. I thought it would be gone by today because I popped it last night but the tiny one next to it just got bigger. I'm trying not to pick at it, but it's so gross I want to cut my face off.

Then on Wednesday, my boyfriend got a weird bug bite by his mouth at the movie theater at Newport Mall. He scratched it too much, and it turned into an infected sore.

So at Thanksgiving dinner with my family, it looked like we had a herpes outbreak together.

Whatever. My family sucks anyway.

It's not herpes.

I got the biggest grossest painful pimple on my lip and it's inviting friends to party. It's growing bigger and bigger and by the weekend it will look like I have herpes.

I have three shows this week and it will look like I have herpes at all of them. At Thanksgiving too, and at work.

This Thanksgiving I will not be thankful for adult acne.

Quiet, genius at work!

I may be poor in money, but I'm rich in IQ. Last night my friends and I were talking about Mensa. If I put Mensa on my resume, would I get a job?

I'm not a member YET, but based on my opinion of myself, I could be. I've known people who were members and they were complete idiots and annoying to be around.

I've looked into possible membership. Unfortunately, being a genius isn't free. It costs $58 to take the test and have it evaluated, plus $52 a year to subscribe. In addition to a sense of superiority, I get a stupid magazine that I don't even want in return for membership fees.

Sounds like a scam for idiots.

Desperately poor yet again...

I worked last night and it was so dead in the bar that I watched an hour and a half of the democratic debate with the sound on because no one was there.

I made $35. That brings my weekly salary to $43 because I got paid $8 from BabyHole.

So I can't hang out this weekend. Instead, I'll be worrying about utilities and preparing myself to grieve for the loss of them.

I'll also be handing out resumes. Let me know if you want one.

Paying For Pussy

I need a black lady's fake vagina for a spread in my calendar but they are so expensive!

I went to the sex store looking for pocket pussies but I couldn't find anything for under $40.

Maybe I should get a used one off the internet.

The Maxwell's Show, Todd

I won a contest!

Well, I got 2nd runner up, so I won over the 3rd runner up, but I lost to the 1st runner up and winner.

I entered my poster "The Best Girls Kill Themselves in Jersey" to New Magazine's cover competition and got second runner up. In it I'm wearing ragged underwear in front of the embankment and staring defiantly.

I am quite shocked that I am even featured in a magazine for yuppies and their families.

It's free so you can pick up a copy and see me in it. There's a page with my entry on it. It says, "Melissa Surach. Comedian and blogger." (Who's not a blogger?)

Anyway, the poster itself is on sale. It's 24" by 36" mounted on Gator board. The photo was taken by Doug Ensel. You can contact me if you'd like to buy it.

When I was a beaver trapper...

One time I hosted the Waterbug as a French Canadian beaver trapper named Jean Luc who sang the Canadian National Anthem En Faux-Francais. The crowd could barely speak English, and I doubt that any of them knew where Canada was, but they seemed mildly amused.

Surprisingly, I did NOT get attacked on the Waterbug stage until several months later.

I recently found the pictures of my costume before I left the house. I walked to the bar dressed like that, and surprisingly, no one punched me or tried to steal my luxurious pelts. No sexual assault either.



I'm bad at shaving!



Smells like Quebecois!



All in all, it was a good night.

Melissa Surach 2008 Calendar

Eric Brown and I started shooting the 2008 Calendar yesterday.

The new calendar will be more sophisticated than last year's. It was very difficult to squeeze myself under that car and put my face against the exhaust pipe, but I think it was worth it.

Denied Foodstamps

Well I've almost officially been denied food stamps because the welfare office believes that I am lying about how poor I am.

I might have to get a statement signed from Toy Eater's saying that sometimes I make $10 in singles from BabyHole donations and from my boyfriend saying that sometimes he feeds me.

Also, I tried to get overdraft protection from my bank because I keep getting $40 fees for overdrawing my account by $0.40 and they tried to get me to apply for a credit card.

Leviathan.

The Winners of Killtown

Thanks to everyone who came out to the BabyHole Halloween Extravaganza. It was a great open mic, and the featured comedians were hilarious and made me miss BlackHole. I hope that someday I can bring it back to Jersey City. Maybe we should start writing to Senators or something on BlackHole's behalf.

The comedy hour featured Rosie Rebel as a crackhead wearing a garbage bag and carrying toilet paper, Hamilton Morris, Brooke Van Poppelen, and Eric Andre as the 160-year-old jazz musician, Jasper "Slide Tooth" Witherson.

I hosted as Sylvia Browne promoting my new book, Is Your Computer Psychic? Rustin Dwyer dressed up as Montel Williams and introduced me.

Thanks especially to Brooke and Galina who brought the Ms. Killtown Competition to a new level by adding physical violence.

Here are the winners of the Killtown Competiton:

Ms. Killtown: Brooke Van Poppelen
Mr. Killtown: Ralph Santiago

Thanks to Another Man's Treasure, Balance, Simple Cafe and Peter Surach for providing the prizes.

If anyone has pictures of the wrestling match, please email them to me at melissa.surach@gmail.com. I will post them as soon as possible.

If anyone has pictures of me at all, email them. I don't have any because a ghost broke my camera.