Loop Newsletter, based on Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop

Wanna subscribe to a newsletter? Well here's your chance. Subscribe to Loop. It's hilarious fiction, memoirs, and I write for it. Also, it's free. And it's based on Gwyneth Paltrow's blog, Goop.

The smartest cashier

I've been waiting for grad school rejection letters for months, and they've finally started rolling in. So far, Texas rejected me, but they are the only ones. New School accepted me with a scholarship, but the tuition is still more than my yearly salary. Johns Hopkins wait listed me--which is nice because they only accept 5 people, and I like feeling special. Creative Writing MFA here I come, and when I get it, I will be the smartest cashier in all the land.

Topless Waitressing, a Brave New Career

The bad news is that Barcade didn't hire me to be their bartender and I still work at my terrible job that makes me want to cut myself. The good news is that there's an abundance of Topless Waitressing Jobs on Craigslist just waiting for me to grace them with my beauty and servitude.

For many of these jobs, "All body types are accepted," and there's "No experience necessary." Many of them, like the one featured below, are part time--so you can pursue your dreams like going back to school or meth.

Part time female topless customer server (Lower East Side)

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Date: 2011-02-21, 10:14PM EST
Reply to: job-nrez6-2227569153@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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Part time adult server needed for customer service, must be at least 18 years old. This will start at part time on a Friday and Saturday evening. Apply ASAP as wanting to start this person on this weekend.

• Compensation: hourly, including tips
• This is a part-time job.
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

For the more conservative unemployed ladies, there's the "Coyote Ugly" rip off bar, like a cover band of a bar that became a movie. For this job, you have to wear "beach attire," and I'm pretty sure they don't mean an oversized Hawaiian shirt and mace.

$$$ Coyote Ugly Style Bar (No Exp Nec) (Man.)

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Date: 2011-02-22, 7:02AM EST
Reply to: see below

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Bartenders W or W/O Exp. we will teach you. Bartend in *BEACH ATTIRE for COYOTE UGLY TYPE BAR. Please have open availability and be willing to start ASAP. Please respond to (bobfp09@gmail.com)

• Location: Man.
• Compensation: At Interview
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

This job market sucks. Why don't you just rape me in the first interview?


Sometimes the ads just get straight to the point:

work legally as an escort (Midtown)

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Date: 2011-02-21, 9:40AM EST
Reply to: job-yshhe-2225996280@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

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We are an escort company that has been around for years, and we are currently seeking new models. The job is extremely safe, due to the fact that we send professional, trained security personnel / drivers with you to each and every job. Our staff is very friendly and easy to get along with; we offer a great working environment. A lot of our business comes from repeat clientele. We are looking for women that are pretty and friendly. You must be beautiful and open-minded. This can be a part-time or full-time job and is perfect for students, dancers, models and others with a busy schedule. No drama queens wanted. We are looking for Caucasian, Eurasian and European fair skin Latinas women. Must have a beautiful figure, be well groomed, reliable, and prompt. The work shifts are for night time and are very flexible.



Please Reply with your:



-Name

-Age

-Phone (and a good time to call you)

-Attached picture(s)



You must send a picture in order to be considered! We will get back to you with more details.



No experience is necessa

• Compensation: 500-2000 a day
• This is a part-time job.
• Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
• Please, no phone calls about this job!
• Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Now I'm running late for my terrible job, and I don't have enough whiskey in my coffee to deal with the day. But at least--while I know my boss exploits and underpays me, I don't need to bring mace all the time and we have panic buttons.

But I'd probably make more money as a topless waitress.

A free spot in my Humor Class this Saturday!

There's a free spot in my Humor Class this Saturday, graciously donated by Paul Silverman. Email me for details. melissa-at-melissasurach.com.

Thanks Paul!

Study: Over 1 in 3 SAfrican Men Admit to Rape

Even though Jersey City makes me want to cut myself, at least I don't live in a place where people "rape out of boredom."

Jesus Christ South Africa! Get it together! Get some PSA's or something.

According to CBS, Over 1 in 3 SAfrican Men Admit to Rape.

Introduction to Humor Writing Intensive for Super Smart Nice People who are Great and Awesome Geniuses

Look I'm teaching this. Sign up so I can make you funnier. And then I can eat.


Do you love David Sedaris and Dorothy Parker? Want to be like them? Well now you can.

Art House presents Jersey City's first and only Humor Writing Class. In this introductory intensive workshop you'll learn the basics of how to write funny things, create new material and build on previous work.

Plus, I'll throw in a one-on-one feedback session for free.

We'll focus on writing for print but also watch TV to see how humor principles apply to performance and visual media and maybe one day you'll be famous. At the very least, you'll learn where to put jokes in your writing so it sells better.

It's the perfect holiday gift for loved ones or people that you think should be funnier.

Taught by Melissa Surach, the only person ever to have a a City Council resolution passed unanimously to honor her for Comedic Arts.

$60. Register at arthouseproductions.org via Pay Pal and note Humor Writing. Registration fee is $15 with the balance due by class.

If you register by January 1st you save $10, which makes the entire ordeal $50 the cheapest thing ever.

Take advantage of this low introductory offer because I'm going to make the next one really expensive.

Winter Beer and Books

Look at this thing I'm doing!

Come nerd out with us. Find out what to drink for the holidays!

Book House Cafe presents a winter beer tasting and book pairing.

Beer selections will include seasonals from Founders, Ommegang, New Jersey Beer Co., and 3 more that I haven't picked yet.

Book selections will include Holidays on Ice, Without Feathers, and Drinking, Smoking and Screwing. Maybe Melissa Surach will read from her new manuscript "Face Down in the Gutter: An Erotic Journey."

Suggested donation $10. RSVP to rafael.antonioni@gmail.com or Facebook. Book House is tiny!