NEW Magazine

The website I write for, Jersey City Independent, recently acquired NEW Magazine, a free local magazine with over 40,000 readers. You can read about it here. Go, Jersey City Independent, go!

This is exciting news for 40,000 people. It means you'll learn to love me, too, and I'll love you.

See you in print!

Baby Hole-iday Extravaganza

Hello everyone!

I'm growing out my beard out for the holidays so you can sit on my lap and pretend I'm Santa! This week's BabyHole is my present to you, and it's a big one.

Baby Hole-iday Extravaganza
Tuesday, December 15th, 9:00 pm, FREE!

Featuring:

-Crazy and the Brains (rock and roll)
-Jack Parson's Moonchild (performing original Christmas music)
-Alexander the Poet (erotic whale poetry)
-Hilary Schwartz (stand up)
-Soce the Elemental Wizard (gay hip hop)
-John F. O'Donnel (stand up)

Plus 6 open mic slots for stand up,sketch, musical comedy and funny videos.

Also, this is the last chance to give us your cans. We're doing a food drive for Let's Celebrate!

Holiday Greetings from me and Dirty Dog!

Happy holidays!

There's no picture, but imagine I sent you a postcard of Dirty Dog on Santa's lap. That Santa is me, dressed as Santa. I'll actually take the picture when my intern gets over swine flu pneumonia and is strong enough to click to make the picture.

By the way, here's a genius idea for someone. Can someone please make a photo spread of pets in holiday outfits in winter scenery? I really want to see a cat dressed like menora, bunnies with big snowflakes on their foreheads, and dogs in Christmas dresses on my lap (as I'm dressed like Santa, of course). I don't really know what Kwanzaa or the Muslim holiday this month is about, but if they can be made into themes for adorable animal pictures, please include it.

I would do it myself, but I'm busy making gifts. I'm super broke for the holidays, so as usual, everything's DIY. I'm up to my boobs in shell jewelry at the moment, but also expect some snow "globes" (jars from dollar store food), and crayon portraits.

Happy Winter Holiday!

May your New Year be better than mine.

Love,
Melissa and Dirty

God Hates Fags!

For Halloween, I was one of the God Hates Fags people. This was the other side of my sign, which I've actually seen on churches and on real protester's signs, so I didn't make it up myself.

I'm the one on the left.

Greetings from behind the Iron Curtain!

Tonight's my last night in Poland and I'm shit faced on elderly Polish people. We're staying with my great aunt and I've met literally thousands of 100-year-old Polish relatives, and seen more photos of dead ones.

I didn't really get a chance to party because old people were stuffing me with cured meats the entire time and would get hostile if I refused. In 4 days, I gained 10 pounds. I plan on fasting on twigs when I get back. I'm also looking for a Master Cleanse buddy, if anyone's interested. And I plan on fasting from old Polish people (this means you, grandma).

I'm going back to Berlin tomorrow. Hopefully, I won't be too flatulant to hang out with people who are young and ambulatory. I think I caught arthritis from someone, and I smell like my grandpa did before he died. I need to figure out how to ditch my mom and follow some German boys around. I hope they like the smell of salami.

Here's some highlights from my trip (itinerary Berlin, Warsaw, Krakow, Gdansk, Berlin).

1. You can't walk more than 10 feet without stumbling across a memorial/concentration camp. Also, I almost puked on Aushewitz by accident.

2. At a divey German soccer bar, I was flattered to notice a guy checking me out. After doing an extravagant Sexy American pose, I realized he was just making fun of my outfit with his friends.

3. Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage!

4. I learned how to make home made wine and am smuggling Spiritus to make my own licqueurs. Also, Vodka Party at my house! For one, because I have no friends.

5. I think I developed a goiter from all this cured meat. But it's nothing a mild case of gout can't strain out! Ha ha! LMFAO!

6. I found amber on the beach, or maybe I just have a pocketful of rocks. At least it got me out of the house.

I'll be back in Jersey City on Tuesday.

Moldy Haired Faggots Pray to the East in the NY Press

I got an essay printed in the NY Press this week. Here it is.

Other news sources covering my award...

In case you're not tired of listening to me brag, here's a list of all the news articles that wrote up my award spectacle. It hasn't made the Times or CNN yet, but I have some spells I'm conjuring.

Jersey City Comedian Melissa Surach Finally gets her Award
From The Jersey Journal, September 24th, 2009

Council Report: Melissa Surach Gets an Award, Frequent Flyer Night and More
From The Jersey City Independent, September 25th, 2009

Melissa Surach gets some Respect
From JerseyCity.com, September 25th, 2009