Greetings from behind the Iron Curtain!

Tonight's my last night in Poland and I'm shit faced on elderly Polish people. We're staying with my great aunt and I've met literally thousands of 100-year-old Polish relatives, and seen more photos of dead ones.

I didn't really get a chance to party because old people were stuffing me with cured meats the entire time and would get hostile if I refused. In 4 days, I gained 10 pounds. I plan on fasting on twigs when I get back. I'm also looking for a Master Cleanse buddy, if anyone's interested. And I plan on fasting from old Polish people (this means you, grandma).

I'm going back to Berlin tomorrow. Hopefully, I won't be too flatulant to hang out with people who are young and ambulatory. I think I caught arthritis from someone, and I smell like my grandpa did before he died. I need to figure out how to ditch my mom and follow some German boys around. I hope they like the smell of salami.

Here's some highlights from my trip (itinerary Berlin, Warsaw, Krakow, Gdansk, Berlin).

1. You can't walk more than 10 feet without stumbling across a memorial/concentration camp. Also, I almost puked on Aushewitz by accident.

2. At a divey German soccer bar, I was flattered to notice a guy checking me out. After doing an extravagant Sexy American pose, I realized he was just making fun of my outfit with his friends.

3. Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage!

4. I learned how to make home made wine and am smuggling Spiritus to make my own licqueurs. Also, Vodka Party at my house! For one, because I have no friends.

5. I think I developed a goiter from all this cured meat. But it's nothing a mild case of gout can't strain out! Ha ha! LMFAO!

6. I found amber on the beach, or maybe I just have a pocketful of rocks. At least it got me out of the house.

I'll be back in Jersey City on Tuesday.

Moldy Haired Faggots Pray to the East in the NY Press

I got an essay printed in the NY Press this week. Here it is.

Other news sources covering my award...

In case you're not tired of listening to me brag, here's a list of all the news articles that wrote up my award spectacle. It hasn't made the Times or CNN yet, but I have some spells I'm conjuring.

Jersey City Comedian Melissa Surach Finally gets her Award
From The Jersey Journal, September 24th, 2009

Council Report: Melissa Surach Gets an Award, Frequent Flyer Night and More
From The Jersey City Independent, September 25th, 2009

Melissa Surach gets some Respect
From JerseyCity.com, September 25th, 2009

Honoring me.

Last night, Jersey City Council unimously approved a resolution to honor me. While I'm flattered (yet annoyed that they wouldn't let me marry my dog), I still can't believe it made a headline in the Jersey Journal, according to yahoo local news.

MY AWARD TODAY!

In case you haven't heard my whining, I've been begging for an award from City Hall for several months. You can read about my struggles here and here.

Tonight, City Call is voting on a resolution about me at the Council meeting. I'm not sure what it's for, or what kind of speech to give, but when I called them, they told me I'm not allowed to try to marry my dog, or sexually harass Councilman Fulop, even though I picked out a fancy dress.

Please come to City Hall tonight at 6 pm to support me. I'm going to try to be as annoying as possible without sabotaging my award. Any shouting from you is allowed. It's probably going to be boring, but I give you permission in advance to scream profanities.

Thanks!
Melissa

BABYHOLE BACK AT LAMP POST

BabyHole is back at The Lamp Post because the Iron Monkey's dining room/stairwell landing made us sad.

Come this Tuesday! The show's going to be really good.

It's better anyway because the Lamp Post looks like a womb.

Hey Tom Scharpling, thanks for stealing my thunder!

Last night's BabyHole was the worst on record. It was a horrible show.

In addition to being moved to the dining room/stairwell landing and starting late (we had to wait for dinner service to be over), WFMU's Best Show had a party on the roof that was apparently more exciting than BabyHole and everyone ignored me as they stamped through my show on the way up the stairs.

Now, I know that everyone loves WFMU, and that Tom Scharpling's Best Show is good, and he keeps company with fancy celebrities and Ted Leo played live. Big deal.

Everyone with shaggy hair, tattoos and ironic glasses from Jersey City and Hoboken, my usual audience, were stolen by him. Well I hope you all got laid. Good job.

Several regular BabyHolers, including Dancing Tony and fellow Jersey City comedians Upset Triangle asked me, "Is BabyHole going on?"

I replied, "Yeah are you coming?"

"No, we're going up to the roof."

After repeating this conversation a few times, I gave up on my show and went up to the roof with them.

WHEN IS AUTOMATA CHINO REOPENING? I WANT BABYHOLE BACK.