I wish my mom would stop googling me

Dear mom,

I know that you are googling me. Will this turn into a 2-hour-long life micromanagement session on Sunday, which is Mother's Day? Good. That's what I want.

Love,
Melissa

PS Please don't nag me about my blog.

All Points West Festival

As you know, Liberty State Park will be hosting the All Points West Festival this summer. And though I really like Metric, I would rather spend $300 on a boat than on tickets to the park down the street from my house.

Next BabyHole Flier

I have a lot of stuff to do today, including finding a job, so I put a lazy gradient on the new flier. Nonetheless, the next BabyHole show is going to be awesome.

Eric Andre
Rebecca Ciletti
Jared Whitham

Click on their links to find out their magic.

Woman of many skills seeks employment

The kitchen staff has walked out of the bar I've been working at. Therefore, I don't think that there will be any work for my next shift.

I'm looking for easy, well-paying bartending jobs, but I'm also going to hit up temp agencies and friends who work in advertising. You know who you are.

I have many skills. Typing is one of them.

Update on the poet mess

Yesterday I got an email from Poetic Voices saying that they heard doing the BabyHole Vs. Poetic Voices was basically walking into a fist fight and they were concerned that people were going to beat them up.

First of all, they acted like such jerks before that people did want to beat them up. I told them that. But I was also getting a little stressed out about everything going on in the show. Then I found out, that whoever said that to them said it as a joke. Also, I think they confuse metaphors with reality.

Like my boyfriend said, if you dip your finger into the faggy batter, you get it all over your hand. And that's what happened to me yesterday.

I know this is like, the biggest show they've ever done, and that they've been talking about it nonstop for months and practicing in their mirrors and having workshops for it. I got mixed up in their stupid baby world and it's not going to happen again. I let myself down by giving credence to their immaturity and stupidity.

I'm sorry Melissa. It won't happen again. And if I have to deal with anymore of this mess, this will be the last show I do with them. Duh.

When I talk about the poets being jerks, I DO NOT INCLUDE Saint Patrick. He's featured at my shows like, 10 times, he's lots of fun to hang out with, and he's one of the best story tellers I know. He's actually our only real competition at the show.

On a happier note, who would like to see BabyHole at Grace Van Vorst Church over the summer doing fund raisers instead of going on hiatus?

I didn't realize how dumpy British people were.

I mean, I knew that they weren't the most attractive people on earth, and had a reputation for bad teeth, but I didn't realize how dumpy they were until we got cable and I watched 12 hours of BBC straight.

Did you know that 90% of British people are obese? I don't know if that statistic is true, but that is my guess based on what I saw on British reality shows.

In the general category of Pussiness...

I've met with Poetic Voices to discuss the details of the upcoming slaughter in BabyHole vs. Poetic Voices, and they are very frightened. In fact, they've already started cheating.

Originally, the competitors were supposed to get a topic a week in advance upon which to build a 5-minute set of both comedy and poetry. But apparently, the poets don't feel that a week is enough time, and three weeks isn't enough time either. They need a lifetime.

So we had to do away with the topics so that the poets wouldn't "Go outside their comfort zones." I think this is almost cheating. Now it's just going to be a five minute set of both comedy and poetry, and I know that they are already practicing in their mirrors.

I want one of the categories for the judges to score to be "Pussiness," but I don't think the poets will go for it.

The funny thing is, they are the reason for the show in the first place because I challenged them after they vandalized my fliers, came to my show and rioted, and spread rumors about me.

I've contacted the BabyHole team, and the general consensus is that they feel the poets are a bunch of "Punks" and "Baby Dicks."