Paying For Pussy

I need a black lady's fake vagina for a spread in my calendar but they are so expensive!

I went to the sex store looking for pocket pussies but I couldn't find anything for under $40.

Maybe I should get a used one off the internet.

The Maxwell's Show, Todd

I won a contest!

Well, I got 2nd runner up, so I won over the 3rd runner up, but I lost to the 1st runner up and winner.

I entered my poster "The Best Girls Kill Themselves in Jersey" to New Magazine's cover competition and got second runner up. In it I'm wearing ragged underwear in front of the embankment and staring defiantly.

I am quite shocked that I am even featured in a magazine for yuppies and their families.

It's free so you can pick up a copy and see me in it. There's a page with my entry on it. It says, "Melissa Surach. Comedian and blogger." (Who's not a blogger?)

Anyway, the poster itself is on sale. It's 24" by 36" mounted on Gator board. The photo was taken by Doug Ensel. You can contact me if you'd like to buy it.

When I was a beaver trapper...

One time I hosted the Waterbug as a French Canadian beaver trapper named Jean Luc who sang the Canadian National Anthem En Faux-Francais. The crowd could barely speak English, and I doubt that any of them knew where Canada was, but they seemed mildly amused.

Surprisingly, I did NOT get attacked on the Waterbug stage until several months later.

I recently found the pictures of my costume before I left the house. I walked to the bar dressed like that, and surprisingly, no one punched me or tried to steal my luxurious pelts. No sexual assault either.



I'm bad at shaving!



Smells like Quebecois!



All in all, it was a good night.

Melissa Surach 2008 Calendar

Eric Brown and I started shooting the 2008 Calendar yesterday.

The new calendar will be more sophisticated than last year's. It was very difficult to squeeze myself under that car and put my face against the exhaust pipe, but I think it was worth it.

Denied Foodstamps

Well I've almost officially been denied food stamps because the welfare office believes that I am lying about how poor I am.

I might have to get a statement signed from Toy Eater's saying that sometimes I make $10 in singles from BabyHole donations and from my boyfriend saying that sometimes he feeds me.

Also, I tried to get overdraft protection from my bank because I keep getting $40 fees for overdrawing my account by $0.40 and they tried to get me to apply for a credit card.

Leviathan.

The Winners of Killtown

Thanks to everyone who came out to the BabyHole Halloween Extravaganza. It was a great open mic, and the featured comedians were hilarious and made me miss BlackHole. I hope that someday I can bring it back to Jersey City. Maybe we should start writing to Senators or something on BlackHole's behalf.

The comedy hour featured Rosie Rebel as a crackhead wearing a garbage bag and carrying toilet paper, Hamilton Morris, Brooke Van Poppelen, and Eric Andre as the 160-year-old jazz musician, Jasper "Slide Tooth" Witherson.

I hosted as Sylvia Browne promoting my new book, Is Your Computer Psychic? Rustin Dwyer dressed up as Montel Williams and introduced me.

Thanks especially to Brooke and Galina who brought the Ms. Killtown Competition to a new level by adding physical violence.

Here are the winners of the Killtown Competiton:

Ms. Killtown: Brooke Van Poppelen
Mr. Killtown: Ralph Santiago

Thanks to Another Man's Treasure, Balance, Simple Cafe and Peter Surach for providing the prizes.

If anyone has pictures of the wrestling match, please email them to me at melissa.surach@gmail.com. I will post them as soon as possible.

If anyone has pictures of me at all, email them. I don't have any because a ghost broke my camera.