The most retarded couple I've ever served

This morning a couple walked into the high-end liquor store I work at.

Man: Yo, do you have Ace of Spades? The Jay-Z liquor.
Me: We have Ace of Spades champagne on the top shelf.
Man: It's Jay-Z's liquor right?
Me: I don't know if Jay-Z's the spokesman..
Woman: How much is it?
Me: $250 on sale. The rose is $450.
Man: Which one's better?
Me: The rose.
Woman: Can we taste it?
Me: No.
Woman: Why not?
Man: (pointing at Dirty Dog) What kind of dog is that?
Me: A mutt.
Man: Oh, there's a breed called Mutt?
Me: No.
Man: Because to us a mutt is a stray dog.
Me: Well, yeah.

Then they became inexplicably offended and stormed out. The worst part is they had a baby. I wish I could see its face to gauge how far apart its eyes were.

About expressing your rape feelings...

This is a video I made last year about clumsily dancing your feelings away. It's called Harbor Side Story and it was supposed to be part of Melicious Bottomvomit, which was unfortunately destroyed due to a mean ex boyfriend.



Harbor Side Story from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

This is what happens when you bite your butt too much

While I was on vacation last week, Dirty Dog took the opportunity to bite his butt off. This is what happens when you bite your butt too much.

He loves to have butt scabs like these for some reason, even though they don't seem comfortable.

Today we went to the vet and now he has a bald butt, a cone head and is on allergy medication. I don't think he likes the cone very much because he keeps bumping into things. And when he goes up stairs, the cone hits him in the face. I just hope he learned his lesson.

He's taking a week off of work at the liquor store, even though he now owes me $200.

BabyHole's Last Laugh

I'm reposting this from my email blast. Because it's kind of a BFD.


Hello friends and babies,

Thanks for coming out to BabyHole these past few years. Sadly, tomorrow night is our final show. That's right--Jersey City's longest running comedy show is almost dead.

We've had a pretty good run over the last three years--we shut down two venues, got raided, enforced restraining orders...And then there was the comedy. Oh, the comedy! But now it's time to grow up.

BabyHole's Last Laugh

Tuesday, May 25th, 10:00 pm, FREE!

Featuring country music by Cross Country All Stars. Stand up by Mark Normand. Roller skate spectacle/bra enthusiast Rosie Rebel. Sketch comedy by Upset Triangle. Plus, 6 open mic slots for stand up, sketch, musical comedy and funny videos.

Hosted by Mike Recine.

And as always, $2 pints of PBR. Then we'll all hug.

The Lamp Post

382 2nd Street

Jersey City, NJ

Not Yo Mama's Craft Fair

Not Yo Mama's Craft Fair, Jersey City's biggest and only craft fair, is tomorrow. It's the second time around for them, and this time there's booze and bands.

Here's a link to a story about it.

Join me there tomorrow. I hope to find home made self-esteem.

Adopt me!

These are the kittens I'm fostering for the next few weeks. I got them from the Liberty Humane Society . Look at how adorable I am!

Adopt us all! I need a loving home too. My walls are filled with hate.

So what if I'm a charity case?

I'm thinking about doing a charity event for myself. Is that wrong? I mean, I can afford beans, but it's so I can buy a new computer and finally finish my videos and the pilot episode of my show. Maybe I can be a write off. In the tax sense, not friend sense. I already know what that feels like.

I'm currently working between two 12-year-old computers, a Mac and a giant PC. There's a decade-old Photoshop on the tiny-screened Mac, and the PC keeps crashing. I can barely add attachments to my emails or photos to my articles, much less edit video. Wah wah wah!

By the way, if you'd like to read some of my latest Jersey City Independent Articles, you can go here: http://www.jerseycityindependent.com/author/msurach/

I just did my taxes, and with my refund I'm already half way there. The United States of America supports my cause. But would anyone else?