How much is this bachelorette worth?

I'm honored to have just been asked to be a Bachelorette in Art House's upcoming find Bachelor/Bachelorette Fundraiser on April 17th. I'm still waiting to find out how much stage time I'll get to showcase my beauty, and more importantly, where I can find break away pants.

So how much will you bid on my? I'll throw in Dirty Dog too.

Hey Williamsburg, I don't burn you for existing.

Yesterday I spent my day off at the Brooklyn Brewery doing "research." First of all, Blast, a double IPA in their Brewmasters Reserve series totally kicked my ass. It was the best double IPA I've ever had, and two of them made me and my friend Sarah drunk for EIGHT HOURS. We're such girls!

Now to complain about Williamsburg, the neighborhood the brewery is in. While I was smoking outside, next to the BMW's, a stupid blond waspy woman and her pasty boyfriend walked past me and coughed on purpose to make me feel like an asshole. I almost went Jersey City on her ass, and restrained myself from shouting, "Fuck you, you stupid blond cunt. I don't burn you with cigarettes for existing!" And then I'd guiltily wimper, "I'm trying to quit."

By the way, I'm going to try to quit smoking again. For serious this time. I got a book and I'm ordering a vapor cigarette. Expect mood swings and disproportionate emotional reactions.

My three favorite things: beer, ghosts--and of course, me!

Last weekend, I treated myself to a Riverhorse Brewery tasting followed by a night at a haunted hotel with a man friend.

First we went to the Brewery in Lambertville and sampled beer for lunch, which ran four for a dollar. We went through them in order of flavor and strength: Riverhorse Special Ale, (American Amber), Hop-a-lotamus (double IPA), an Oatmeal Milk Stout (their seasonal limited reserve), and Tripel Horse (Belgian style).

I liked all of them even though the Special Ale was only 4.5 percent ABV and usually Ambers are too bland for me. And though usually I don't like Belgians, Tripel Horse was surprisingly citrusy and refreshing, like a desert or champagne after my beer lunch. My favorites were the Oatmeal Milk Stout and Double IPA, which was no surprise because stouts and IPA's are my favorite beers.

The brewery was small and the tour was self-guided. We ran around the brewery touching machines that we didn't know how to operate. There were keys in the fork-lift, but we had enough self-restraint to not commandeer it. We wanted to buy more samples, any way.

This is me at the vats where they put the ingredients in and boil and strain them. No, I did not add a touch of Melissa because they clean them out all the time the solvents would kill my DNA, which I need.

Here's some pictures of my buddy playing on the labeling and bottling machines.





Then we went to the self-purportedly most haunted inn in the town that called itself The Most Haunted Town in America--the Logan Inn in New Hope, PA. We did not see any ghosts, although at one point the furniture sounded like it knocked, but nothing serious. This is me reading a ghost story book in front of a portrait of one of the ghosts, Emily, and her husband.

There was a surprising amount of witch craft, medieval role-playing stores and old white hippies in New Hope. It was fun, although in conclusion, the beer was good but the ghosts sucked. Maybe the hippies's magic crystals kept them away, but more likely, their medieval body odor. Stupid hippies!

Snubbed yet again. Oh, Hudson Reporter, am I not good enough for your typos?

I don't know if you read the big news in the Midweek Reporter this week, but COMEDY IS FINALLY COMING TO JERSEY CITY!

You may be wondering, "What about BabyHole, the comedy show listed on the right of this screen? And, more importantly, what about Melissa Surach? I love her and never get enough of hearing about her."

I agree. I never tire of hearing about me either. Yet, in the first paragraph of this story about Catch a Rising Star Comedy Show, me, Melissa Surach, and my show, BabyHole, were conspicuously omitted. We weren't mentioned in the second paragraph either, or the third. Instead, Stockinette's Comedy Night was mentioned, as well as Art House, despite the fact that Art House doesn't have comedy shows and BabyHole is the longest running comedy show in Jersey City and I have a comedy award from the city. (The story of my award was reported in every other paper. Yes, it's true: City Council voted unanimously to honor me, and the Reporter should as well. )

But besides all that, The Reporter has been listing my comedy show in its events section for two years. Shouldn't some one have noticed the error?* In addition, they printed my Letter to the Editor this summer, in which I stated who I was, bragged about my comedy show, and nagged them about giving me and award.

The new comedy show is called Catch a Rising Star and it's at Michael Anthony's, which has yacht parking. Seriously. The show is $25 and there's a two-item-minimum, which will probably add an extra $20 at least. Here's a picture of the host. It's ironic that for a show called "Catch a Rising Star," the stars are 85-years-old. For the entrance fee, and old, experienced comedians, it should be decent talent. But I'd take the budget-night out at BabyHole over it any day. I'm partial.

*Well, they've only kind of listed my show in the Event Section. They refused to print BabyHole, so it's called BH Open Mic, and the information is from two years ago because they won't update it even after I emailed them the changes five times. I hope people aren't knocking on the now-defunct Toy Eaters doors every Tuesday.

My cheap Valentine's Day tattoos

Today, I took a brief reprieve from crying to get rapidly stabbed a thousand times. This is my new tattoo (courtesy of Jersey City Tattoo Company and their $14 Valentine's Day Tattoo Sale).

This was the outline:

After the color (I avoided the gory pictures. You're welcome.):

This was my favorite part, the one where I have a Terminator arm:

Look at how adorable my forearm grew up to be!

An evening of romance with Dirty Dog

Dirty Dog wishes everyone a Happy Valentine's Day and I hope you enjoy looking at my dog as much as I do.

Dirty will be your Valentine for $5.

Like a beautiful vodka bird nest

Look at this Wolfschimdt display I made. It's like a beautiful vodka bird laid them. And it wasn't Screamy--she's too lazy.

Cheap vodka never looked so classy. Notice that I paired Wolfschmidt with free dog biscuits. At only $1.29 a shot, how can you afford to NOT drink them?