2009 Calendar, the creepiest Melissa Surach Calendar yet

Yesterday I started shooting the new calendar. We made really good time and got through five scenes in two hours. Eric Brown was the photographer. This is his flickr page.

There were some scenes that we couldn't shoot because there were too many children around and I couldn't find a garbage can to climb into. It was garbage day and all the cans were full.

But I must say, 2009 is so far the creepiest calendar that I've done. Last year's was a little creepy with Jon Benet-like photos of myself, but this year's has blood and explicit images...you probably won't be able to put it up at work.

Credibility? I got me some now!

So I'm working on video projects now. Last night I shot a terrible, disgusting, semi-nude stand up set in a window at Balance Hair Salon. It's going to look really bad, but I'm going to pretend that I did it on purpose.

I didn't make it to shoot Groove on Grove because I got a hair cut after my set. Carla gave me a really good haircut. I don't look like I live in the woods anymore.

I'm going to try to shoot half of the new calendar tonight. At least a third. I'm about to go shopping on Newark Avenue for props. Still no big fake black lady's vagina, though :(

I'm going to interview Steve Fulop next week in the Caucus Room. I'm going to start interviewing local government. I think it's going to be my new thing.

I'll be shooting at the Pride Festival for the Jersey City series. I'll probably get backstage (if there is one) and interview not-famous gay people. It'll be fun!

Underwear Salon Stand Up

So tomorrow I'm going to do stand up in my underwear in the window of Balance Hair Salon for a reality show. We're supposed to shoot from 5 to 7. You are welcome to stop by, but I would advise doing acid first.

I'm also going to shoot it for a video project. It'll either be by itself or part of a video travel guide for Jersey City that I'm making. It'll be like an angry Samantha Brown Passports show.

Guido Fest '08

After a day of clipping butt dreads from my clawing, snarling, biting rabbit, Butterscotch, I am going to guido it up tonight at the feast around the corner.

For those of you who don't know, I'm half Guido and half Polak (or the typical Jersey City mutt, as my old boss used to say). But I usually only tell people that I'm Polish so that I can get out of doing handy house work, except for cleaning, of course. That joke's for racists.

My boyfriend threw Butterscotch the bunny out when he moved in. He and Butterscotch didn't get along. Butterscotch would pee and poo all over my boyfriend's stuff. In return, Rustin would fart on him.

Luckily, Grandma (the Polish one) needed a companion, so we gave her the rabbit. At first, Grandma wanted to eat him, but I told her no. So Grandma now has a cute little bunny (who's a little destructive and mean) for a pet. However, grandma has poor eyesight and is very stubborn. So when I tell her to feed him hay and rabbit pellets, she refuses and gives him two shoe-boxes full of treats. He has diarrhea often, but he probably deserves it anyway.

Also, since she is blind, or schlecka (which doesn't stop her from trying to paint my apartment, to my frustration) as she says, he was very dirty. I spent about an hour brushing him and clipping dreads off. I was going to clip his nails too, but Rustin threw the critter clippers out out of spite. Grandma gave me 3 pairs of human nail clippers from the dollar store. I told her they were for humans, not rabbits.

Also, the rabbit got fleas somehow. I didn't tell Grandma out of fear of what old world style solution she would give him. Rabbits need special flea remedies so they don't get poisoned. I'll buy some this week and sneak it to him.

From now on, I'll have to take Butterscotch once a week for proper grooming and inspection. Rustin is very upset about this.

Anyway, I'm going to Guido Fest tonight. The Italian feast around the corner is up. On the first day, there were 50 chubby guido youths with Gotti hair and wife beaters hanging out on stoops on my block and the next, shouting at any female human that walked by. Tonight there's some old man band playing Italian standards and you can drink in the streets while eating Italian pastries. But mostly, I'm going for the guidos. I might bring ear plugs. They scream a lot.

BabyHole Award Poll!

So...here's the BabyHole Award Poll!

BabyHole Awards are to honor the people who sign up for the open mic and make BabyHole such a great place to be. Featured bands and comedians will also be honored.

The polls close on midnight, Sunday, September 14th. The Award Show will be on Tuesday, September 16th at The Lamp Post in Jersey City.

So be a dear and vote, okay? Just click on the link below. (I know it's not the most sophisticated poll. Maybe next year I'll grow up.)

BABYHOLE AWARD POLLS!

There are other categories up for grabs, but you can't vote for them because I could easily quantify them in my head and they already have winners. They include Most Latino, Most Racist, Musical Pixie and Best Attendance. I am open to more suggestions, as long as I can do the math in my head.

FAQ:
How did people get nominated? Firstly, they signed up for the open mic. Secondly, someone nominated them. Thirdly, I edited the list to people who I thought were the Babyiest-Holiest (not really only 2 people nominated legitimate people).
QED

Love, hatred, MelissaSurach.com, BabyHole Awards, and Dirty Dog's been eating my hair again

Do you hate me or do you love me? Now you can vote and let me know how you feel. Just hate and love. There's no in between.

I've been researching poll applications for the BabyHole Awards. Sorry, there are no winners yet--winning polls, that is. They all suck. (However, I DO know who some of the winners of BabyHole Awards are.) I'll put the poll up on melissasurach.com I guess, or maybe BabyHole's myspace page if it'll work.

You may have realized that there is no melissasurach.com. Well, I'll fix that soon enough. I've spent the past few days working on my website. So far it looks like total shit. I should probably just hire a teenager to do it for me. Hopefully I'll at least have a homepage up and running by next week.

I have a lot of stuff to do this month. So my writing will be erratic and terrible. I have some live shows, but I don't have new material because I've been too busy working on non-stand up stuff and being drunk and lazy.

I have to finish my website, complete with writing samples. Figure out how to put a decent poll online. Find a new job next week. Organize and shoot the 2009 calendar. Book BabyHole's bands and comedians. Design new BabyHole fliers and send to the printer. Flier the town. Do stupid internet stuff and press queries for BabyHole. Make awards and put the Award Show together (I have big plans for them including choreography and Britney Spears. I hope I have time to work on it).

Things I will try to get to: Get my music stuff on the new computer and compose new songs. Edit the Melissa Introduction video. Oh, and dealing with that pile of arts and crafts in the middle of the living room that my boyfriend and I have been fighting about all week.

How do you get a dog to stop eating hair? It's not like I feed it to him. He just finds it and eats it. Then his poo is like sausage links and he's been wiping his butt across the floor, but surreptitiously like I can't see him wiggling his butt every so slightly.

A day of vomit and tampons

Today, I watched Animal Planet for about 6 hours until my hungover wore off around 2 in the afternoon. I let Dirty Dog on the bed, (which my boyfriend doesn't allow me to do but I do it all the time when he's not here) and Dirty betrayed me by puking up a maraschino cherry (he came to the bar with me last night), parsley, and some grit.

(At the bar last night, we made him doggy cocktails with water, grenadine and cherries, propped him up on a stool, and took pictures of him lapping out of the rocks glass. But that is neither here nor there. I don't have the pictures.)

So my boyfriend found out that Dirty got on the bed because I complained to him about there being puke on the bed. He got angry, so I decided to do some errands that he'd asked me to do months ago. I finished one: sweeping.

I set out to deposit the check I made from selling old clothes. I ran into ReOdorant Joe, who just found a kitten, and we went to his house to meet it. It was the smallest, friendliest kitten I've ever seen, and it was all black. I've wanted to foster kittens and puppies from the shelter so that I can always have a kitten or puppy in my house, but my boyfriend won't let me because he says I won't clean up it's doo doo. He's probably right.

The kitten, Max, hissed at Dirty. Even though it was 4 inches long, Dirty was afraid of it, and kept posturing submissively to it and keeping away. While we were there, Dirty puked twice on Joe's rug, but it was only foam.

When we left, on our way to the bank, I figured out why Dirty was puking so much today. He pooped out a tampon.

After we went to the bank, I bought some condoms and lottery tickets. I got a bag of candy that I ate on the way home.

I didn't get around to working on my website today physically, but I did think about it a little. Tonight we're going out to take advantage of restaurant week. I'm going to wear a dress and change the sheets so that I don't get beaten. I think we're going to Skinner's Loft.