Here's my latest Jersey City Independent article, a review of Art House's Murder on Ice.
As far as I know, it's the first theater review to use the term "nut huggers," and the first time a news source used it on purpose.
Thursday, May 19, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Gunshot cars outside my window
There's probably a car accident once a week at the intersection I live on. No big deal. Once a car caught on fire, and no one on the block was allowed out of their house while the fire department worked on it. But the fire cars aren't the worst part. Now it sounds like gun shots all the time. I'm trying to sleep you stupid cars!
There is a deep pothole on my street. It's small, a foot in diameter, and about 15 feet deep. The city finally tried to fix it, and put an orange plank bandaid over it. Now every time a car speeds down the block and bounces on the plank it sounds like gun shots. Or fireworks, when the plank is being pleasant. The pops echo throughout the block. The sound is worse at night when I'm trying to sleep (like tonight), and I get jarred awake, and duck under my bedroom window to hide from the bullets.
I've found another reason to hate cabs. They're the worst culprits. Stop driving so fast! Watch out for the orange plank!
There is a deep pothole on my street. It's small, a foot in diameter, and about 15 feet deep. The city finally tried to fix it, and put an orange plank bandaid over it. Now every time a car speeds down the block and bounces on the plank it sounds like gun shots. Or fireworks, when the plank is being pleasant. The pops echo throughout the block. The sound is worse at night when I'm trying to sleep (like tonight), and I get jarred awake, and duck under my bedroom window to hide from the bullets.
I've found another reason to hate cabs. They're the worst culprits. Stop driving so fast! Watch out for the orange plank!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
I'm a swamp walker
Today I went to my new bartending job at fine dining restaurant with exquisite food. It's located on a marina, in which lawyers and retirees who had lucrative careers reside, and frequented by people who live in million dollar homes in local gated communities. Unfortunately, I have to walk two miles through a swamp to get there.
My uniform consists of a tie, button-down shirt and khaki pants. I bleached out the stained men's shirt from the last button-down job I had, which I coupled with a pair of irregular children's sized khaki pants that I bought on special during a back-to-school sale. I bought the tie from the dollar store last week, and it broke today, so I safety pinned it after I spent an hour trying to figure out how to tie it this morning. However, despite my meticulous primping, it was all undone after walking two miles through a swamp in a rainstorm.
By the time I got to work, slipping on several drowned worms on the puddle-filled path, my shoes were soaked with swamp water and boat gas. My hair was blown out in frizzy red mop, and the skin on my face was blotched and wind chapped.
The most embarrassing portion of my attire was the pants, which were soaked up to my waist and translucent. I had to put my leg up on the sink for support as I spent 30 minutes trying to dry them against the hand dryer on the wall in the bathroom. A coworker walked in and I joked, "I got caught in the rain, I'm not trying to hump the wall or anything!" Since this is a new job, this person is a stranger. "Ok," she said, and backed out of the ladies room.
Unfortunately, unlike me, only two customers came into the restaurant due to the weather. My shoes were wet with swamp water for the rest of the day so I might have a fungus infection, and I made $2 in tips.
My uniform consists of a tie, button-down shirt and khaki pants. I bleached out the stained men's shirt from the last button-down job I had, which I coupled with a pair of irregular children's sized khaki pants that I bought on special during a back-to-school sale. I bought the tie from the dollar store last week, and it broke today, so I safety pinned it after I spent an hour trying to figure out how to tie it this morning. However, despite my meticulous primping, it was all undone after walking two miles through a swamp in a rainstorm.
By the time I got to work, slipping on several drowned worms on the puddle-filled path, my shoes were soaked with swamp water and boat gas. My hair was blown out in frizzy red mop, and the skin on my face was blotched and wind chapped.
The most embarrassing portion of my attire was the pants, which were soaked up to my waist and translucent. I had to put my leg up on the sink for support as I spent 30 minutes trying to dry them against the hand dryer on the wall in the bathroom. A coworker walked in and I joked, "I got caught in the rain, I'm not trying to hump the wall or anything!" Since this is a new job, this person is a stranger. "Ok," she said, and backed out of the ladies room.
Unfortunately, unlike me, only two customers came into the restaurant due to the weather. My shoes were wet with swamp water for the rest of the day so I might have a fungus infection, and I made $2 in tips.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Loop Newsletter, based on Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop
Thursday, March 10, 2011
The smartest cashier
I've been waiting for grad school rejection letters for months, and they've finally started rolling in. So far, Texas rejected me, but they are the only ones. New School accepted me with a scholarship, but the tuition is still more than my yearly salary. Johns Hopkins wait listed me--which is nice because they only accept 5 people, and I like feeling special. Creative Writing MFA here I come, and when I get it, I will be the smartest cashier in all the land.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Topless Waitressing, a Brave New Career
The bad news is that Barcade didn't hire me to be their bartender and I still work at my terrible job that makes me want to cut myself. The good news is that there's an abundance of Topless Waitressing Jobs on Craigslist just waiting for me to grace them with my beauty and servitude.
For many of these jobs, "All body types are accepted," and there's "No experience necessary." Many of them, like the one featured below, are part time--so you can pursue your dreams like going back to school or meth.
Date: 2011-02-21, 10:14PM EST
Reply to: job-nrez6-2227569153@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
For the more conservative unemployed ladies, there's the "Coyote Ugly" rip off bar, like a cover band of a bar that became a movie. For this job, you have to wear "beach attire," and I'm pretty sure they don't mean an oversized Hawaiian shirt and mace.
Date: 2011-02-22, 7:02AM EST
Reply to: see below
For many of these jobs, "All body types are accepted," and there's "No experience necessary." Many of them, like the one featured below, are part time--so you can pursue your dreams like going back to school or meth.
Part time female topless customer server (Lower East Side)
Date: 2011-02-21, 10:14PM EST
Reply to: job-nrez6-2227569153@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Part time adult server needed for customer service, must be at least 18 years old. This will start at part time on a Friday and Saturday evening. Apply ASAP as wanting to start this person on this weekend.
- Compensation: hourly, including tips
- This is a part-time job.
- Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
- Please, no phone calls about this job!
- Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
For the more conservative unemployed ladies, there's the "Coyote Ugly" rip off bar, like a cover band of a bar that became a movie. For this job, you have to wear "beach attire," and I'm pretty sure they don't mean an oversized Hawaiian shirt and mace.
$$$ Coyote Ugly Style Bar (No Exp Nec) (Man.)
Date: 2011-02-22, 7:02AM EST
Reply to: see below
Bartenders W or W/O Exp. we will teach you. Bartend in *BEACH ATTIRE for COYOTE UGLY TYPE BAR. Please have open availability and be willing to start ASAP. Please respond to (bobfp09@gmail.com)
- Location: Man.
- Compensation: At Interview
- Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
- Please, no phone calls about this job!
- Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
This job market sucks. Why don't you just rape me in the first interview?
Sometimes the ads just get straight to the point:
Date: 2011-02-21, 9:40AM EST
Reply to: job-yshhe-2225996280@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
Sometimes the ads just get straight to the point:
work legally as an escort (Midtown)
Date: 2011-02-21, 9:40AM EST
Reply to: job-yshhe-2225996280@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]
We are an escort company that has been around for years, and we are currently seeking new models. The job is extremely safe, due to the fact that we send professional, trained security personnel / drivers with you to each and every job. Our staff is very friendly and easy to get along with; we offer a great working environment. A lot of our business comes from repeat clientele. We are looking for women that are pretty and friendly. You must be beautiful and open-minded. This can be a part-time or full-time job and is perfect for students, dancers, models and others with a busy schedule. No drama queens wanted. We are looking for Caucasian, Eurasian and European fair skin Latinas women. Must have a beautiful figure, be well groomed, reliable, and prompt. The work shifts are for night time and are very flexible.
Please Reply with your:
-Name
-Age
-Phone (and a good time to call you)
-Attached picture(s)
You must send a picture in order to be considered! We will get back to you with more details.
No experience is necessa
Please Reply with your:
-Name
-Age
-Phone (and a good time to call you)
-Attached picture(s)
You must send a picture in order to be considered! We will get back to you with more details.
No experience is necessa
- Compensation: 500-2000 a day
- This is a part-time job.
- Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
- Please, no phone calls about this job!
- Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.
Now I'm running late for my terrible job, and I don't have enough whiskey in my coffee to deal with the day. But at least--while I know my boss exploits and underpays me, I don't need to bring mace all the time and we have panic buttons.
But I'd probably make more money as a topless waitress.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
A free spot in my Humor Class this Saturday!
There's a free spot in my Humor Class this Saturday, graciously donated by Paul Silverman. Email me for details. melissa-at-melissasurach.com.
Thanks Paul!
Thanks Paul!
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