Fear and Dread, Guilt and Shame

I can't believe they let me say "Nut Huggers"

2011-05-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

Here's my latest Jersey City Independent article, a review of Art House's Murder on Ice.

As far as I know, it's the first theater review to use the term "nut huggers," and the first time a news source used it on purpose.

Gunshot cars outside my window

2011-04-27T22:32:00.000-07:00

There's probably a car accident once a week at the intersection I live on. No big deal. Once a car caught on fire, and no one on the block was allowed out of their house while the fire department worked on it. But the fire cars aren't the worst part. Now it sounds like gun shots all the time. I'm trying to sleep you stupid cars!

There is a deep pothole on my street. It's small, a foot in diameter, and about 15 feet deep. The city finally tried to fix it, and put an orange plank bandaid over it. Now every time a car speeds down the block and bounces on the plank it sounds like gun shots. Or fireworks, when the plank is being pleasant. The pops echo throughout the block. The sound is worse at night when I'm trying to sleep (like tonight), and I get jarred awake, and duck under my bedroom window to hide from the bullets.

I've found another reason to hate cabs. They're the worst culprits. Stop driving so fast! Watch out for the orange plank!

I'm a swamp walker

2011-04-23T21:47:00.000-07:00

Today I went to my new bartending job at fine dining restaurant with exquisite food. It's located on a marina, in which lawyers and retirees who had lucrative careers reside, and frequented by people who live in million dollar homes in local gated communities. Unfortunately, I have to walk two miles through a swamp to get there.

My uniform consists of a tie, button-down shirt and khaki pants. I bleached out the stained men's shirt from the last button-down job I had, which I coupled with a pair of irregular children's sized khaki pants that I bought on special during a back-to-school sale. I bought the tie from the dollar store last week, and it broke today, so I safety pinned it after I spent an hour trying to figure out how to tie it this morning. However, despite my meticulous primping, it was all undone after walking two miles through a swamp in a rainstorm.

By the time I got to work, slipping on several drowned worms on the puddle-filled path, my shoes were soaked with swamp water and boat gas. My hair was blown out in frizzy red mop, and the skin on my face was blotched and wind chapped.

The most embarrassing portion of my attire was the pants, which were soaked up to my waist and translucent. I had to put my leg up on the sink for support as I spent 30 minutes trying to dry them against the hand dryer on the wall in the bathroom. A coworker walked in and I joked, "I got caught in the rain, I'm not trying to hump the wall or anything!" Since this is a new job, this person is a stranger. "Ok," she said, and backed out of the ladies room.

Unfortunately, unlike me, only two customers came into the restaurant due to the weather. My shoes were wet with swamp water for the rest of the day so I might have a fungus infection, and I made $2 in tips.

Loop Newsletter, based on Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop

2011-03-29T20:29:00.000-07:00

Wanna subscribe to a newsletter? Well here's your chance. Subscribe to Loop. It's hilarious fiction, memoirs, and I write for it. Also, it's free. And it's based on Gwyneth Paltrow's blog, Goop.

The smartest cashier

2011-03-10T11:50:00.000-08:00

I've been waiting for grad school rejection letters for months, and they've finally started rolling in. So far, Texas rejected me, but they are the only ones. New School accepted me with a scholarship, but the tuition is still more than my yearly salary. Johns Hopkins wait listed me--which is nice because they only accept 5 people, and I like feeling special. Creative Writing MFA here I come, and when I get it, I will be the smartest cashier in all the land.

Topless Waitressing, a Brave New Career

2011-02-22T06:42:00.000-08:00

The bad news is that Barcade didn't hire me to be their bartender and I still work at my terrible job that makes me want to cut myself. The good news is that there's an abundance of Topless Waitressing Jobs on Craigslist just waiting for me to grace them with my beauty and servitude.

For many of these jobs, "All body types are accepted," and there's "No experience necessary." Many of them, like the one featured below, are part time--so you can pursue your dreams like going back to school or meth.

Part time female topless customer server (Lower East Side)

Date: 2011-02-21, 10:14PM EST
Reply to: job-nrez6-2227569153@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

Part time adult server needed for customer service, must be at least 18 years old. This will start at part time on a Friday and Saturday evening. Apply ASAP as wanting to start this person on this weekend.

Compensation: hourly, including tips
This is a part-time job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

For the more conservative unemployed ladies, there's the "Coyote Ugly" rip off bar, like a cover band of a bar that became a movie. For this job, you have to wear "beach attire," and I'm pretty sure they don't mean an oversized Hawaiian shirt and mace.

$$$ Coyote Ugly Style Bar (No Exp Nec) (Man.)

Date: 2011-02-22, 7:02AM EST
Reply to: see below

Bartenders W or W/O Exp. we will teach you. Bartend in *BEACH ATTIRE for COYOTE UGLY TYPE BAR. Please have open availability and be willing to start ASAP. Please respond to (bobfp09@gmail.com)

Location: Man.
Compensation: At Interview
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

This job market sucks. Why don't you just rape me in the first interview?

Sometimes the ads just get straight to the point:

work legally as an escort (Midtown)

Date: 2011-02-21, 9:40AM EST
Reply to: job-yshhe-2225996280@craigslist.org ^{[Errors when replying to ads?]}

We are an escort company that has been around for years, and we are currently seeking new models. The job is extremely safe, due to the fact that we send professional, trained security personnel / drivers with you to each and every job. Our staff is very friendly and easy to get along with; we offer a great working environment. A lot of our business comes from repeat clientele. We are looking for women that are pretty and friendly. You must be beautiful and open-minded. This can be a part-time or full-time job and is perfect for students, dancers, models and others with a busy schedule. No drama queens wanted. We are looking for Caucasian, Eurasian and European fair skin Latinas women. Must have a beautiful figure, be well groomed, reliable, and prompt. The work shifts are for night time and are very flexible.

Please Reply with your:

-Name

-Age

-Phone (and a good time to call you)

-Attached picture(s)

You must send a picture in order to be considered! We will get back to you with more details.

No experience is necessa

Compensation: 500-2000 a day
This is a part-time job.
Principals only. Recruiters, please don't contact this job poster.
Please, no phone calls about this job!
Please do not contact job poster about other services, products or commercial interests.

Now I'm running late for my terrible job, and I don't have enough whiskey in my coffee to deal with the day. But at least--while I know my boss exploits and underpays me, I don't need to bring mace all the time and we have panic buttons.

But I'd probably make more money as a topless waitress.

A free spot in my Humor Class this Saturday!

2011-01-26T09:31:00.000-08:00

There's a free spot in my Humor Class this Saturday, graciously donated by Paul Silverman. Email me for details. melissa-at-melissasurach.com.

Thanks Paul!

Study: Over 1 in 3 SAfrican Men Admit to Rape

2010-11-29T14:01:00.000-08:00

Even though Jersey City makes me want to cut myself, at least I don't live in a place where people "rape out of boredom."

Jesus Christ South Africa! Get it together! Get some PSA's or something.

According to CBS, Over 1 in 3 SAfrican Men Admit to Rape.

Introduction to Humor Writing Intensive for Super Smart Nice People who are Great and Awesome Geniuses

2010-11-17T11:42:00.000-08:00

Look I'm teaching this. Sign up so I can make you funnier. And then I can eat.

Do you love David Sedaris and Dorothy Parker? Want to be like them? Well now you can.

Art House presents Jersey City's first and only Humor Writing Class. In this introductory intensive workshop you'll learn the basics of how to write funny things, create new material and build on previous work.

Plus, I'll throw in a one-on-one feedback session for free.

We'll focus on writing for print but also watch TV to see how humor principles apply to performance and visual media and maybe one day you'll be famous. At the very least, you'll learn where to put jokes in your writing so it sells better.

It's the perfect holiday gift for loved ones or people that you think should be funnier.

Taught by Melissa Surach, the only person ever to have a a City Council resolution passed unanimously to honor her for Comedic Arts.

$60. Register at arthouseproductions.org via Pay Pal and note Humor Writing. Registration fee is $15 with the balance due by class.

If you register by January 1st you save $10, which makes the entire ordeal $50 the cheapest thing ever.

Take advantage of this low introductory offer because I'm going to make the next one really expensive.

Winter Beer and Books

2010-11-05T20:46:00.000-07:00

Look at this thing I'm doing!

Come nerd out with us. Find out what to drink for the holidays!

Book House Cafe presents a winter beer tasting and book pairing.

Beer selections will include seasonals from Founders, Ommegang, New Jersey Beer Co., and 3 more that I haven't picked yet.

Book selections will include Holidays on Ice, Without Feathers, and Drinking, Smoking and Screwing. Maybe Melissa Surach will read from her new manuscript "Face Down in the Gutter: An Erotic Journey."

Suggested donation $10. RSVP to rafael.antonioni@gmail.com or Facebook. Book House is tiny!

Jersey City Magazine and the Weird List

2010-10-26T09:30:00.000-07:00

I made the top ten "Biggest Weirdos in Jersey City List," a list compiled by chin-strapped artist and warehouse squat lord John Fathom. It was published in Jersey City Magazine last week.

Here's a link to the online pdf version, if you didn't find it on your stoop: http://www.hudsonreporter.com/pages/jersey_city_mag

I only regret that they censored my pube wig that I brought to the photoshoot. Also, they made me look like a drag queen--oh wait, I did that myself.

The most retarded couple I've ever served

2010-08-21T08:15:00.000-07:00

This morning a couple walked into the high-end liquor store I work at.

Man: Yo, do you have Ace of Spades? The Jay-Z liquor.
Me: We have Ace of Spades champagne on the top shelf.
Man: It's Jay-Z's liquor right?
Me: I don't know if Jay-Z's the spokesman..
Woman: How much is it?
Me: $250 on sale. The rose is $450.
Man: Which one's better?
Me: The rose.
Woman: Can we taste it?
Me: No.
Woman: Why not?
Man: (pointing at Dirty Dog) What kind of dog is that?
Me: A mutt.
Man: Oh, there's a breed called Mutt?
Me: No.
Man: Because to us a mutt is a stray dog.
Me: Well, yeah.

Then they became inexplicably offended and stormed out. The worst part is they had a baby. I wish I could see its face to gauge how far apart its eyes were.

About expressing your rape feelings...

2010-08-02T22:57:00.000-07:00

This is a video I made last year about clumsily dancing your feelings away. It's called Harbor Side Story and it was supposed to be part of Melicious Bottomvomit, which was unfortunately destroyed due to a mean ex boyfriend.

Harbor Side Story from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

This is what happens when you bite your butt too much

2010-07-27T08:08:00.000-07:00

While I was on vacation last week, Dirty Dog took the opportunity to bite his butt off. This is what happens when you bite your butt too much.

He loves to have butt scabs like these for some reason, even though they don't seem comfortable.

Today we went to the vet and now he has a bald butt, a cone head and is on allergy medication. I don't think he likes the cone very much because he keeps bumping into things. And when he goes up stairs, the cone hits him in the face. I just hope he learned his lesson.

He's taking a week off of work at the liquor store, even though he now owes me $200.

BabyHole's Last Laugh

2010-05-24T07:29:00.000-07:00

I'm reposting this from my email blast. Because it's kind of a BFD.

Hello friends and babies,

Thanks for coming out to BabyHole these past few years. Sadly, tomorrow night is our final show. That's right--Jersey City's longest running comedy show is almost dead.

We've had a pretty good run over the last three years--we shut down two venues, got raided, enforced restraining orders...And then there was the comedy. Oh, the comedy! But now it's time to grow up.

BabyHole's Last Laugh

Tuesday, May 25th, 10:00 pm, FREE!

Featuring country music by Cross Country All Stars. Stand up by Mark Normand. Roller skate spectacle/bra enthusiast Rosie Rebel. Sketch comedy by Upset Triangle. Plus, 6 open mic slots for stand up, sketch, musical comedy and funny videos.

Hosted by Mike Recine.

And as always, $2 pints of PBR. Then we'll all hug.

The Lamp Post

382 2nd Street

Jersey City, NJ

Not Yo Mama's Craft Fair

2010-04-16T09:29:00.000-07:00

Not Yo Mama's Craft Fair, Jersey City's biggest and only craft fair, is tomorrow. It's the second time around for them, and this time there's booze and bands.

Here's a link to a story about it.

Join me there tomorrow. I hope to find home made self-esteem.

Adopt me!

2010-04-13T17:04:00.000-07:00

These are the kittens I'm fostering for the next few weeks. I got them from the Liberty Humane Society . Look at how adorable I am!

Adopt us all! I need a loving home too. My walls are filled with hate.

So what if I'm a charity case?

2010-04-06T15:27:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking about doing a charity event for myself. Is that wrong? I mean, I can afford beans, but it's so I can buy a new computer and finally finish my videos and the pilot episode of my show. Maybe I can be a write off. In the tax sense, not friend sense. I already know what that feels like.

I'm currently working between two 12-year-old computers, a Mac and a giant PC. There's a decade-old Photoshop on the tiny-screened Mac, and the PC keeps crashing. I can barely add attachments to my emails or photos to my articles, much less edit video. Wah wah wah!

By the way, if you'd like to read some of my latest Jersey City Independent Articles, you can go here: http://www.jerseycityindependent.com/author/msurach/

I just did my taxes, and with my refund I'm already half way there. The United States of America supports my cause. But would anyone else?

Keywords and blood blisters

2010-03-14T16:40:00.000-07:00

Today the number one keyword in search engines hit reached my blog was "blood blister in peehole." I don't think I've ever blogged about blood blisters in peeholes, but maybe I should start.

How much is this bachelorette worth?

2010-03-12T11:23:00.000-08:00

I'm honored to have just been asked to be a Bachelorette in Art House's upcoming find Bachelor/Bachelorette Fundraiser on April 17th. I'm still waiting to find out how much stage time I'll get to showcase my beauty, and more importantly, where I can find break away pants.

So how much will you bid on my? I'll throw in Dirty Dog too.

Hey Williamsburg, I don't burn you for existing.

2010-03-08T19:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I spent my day off at the Brooklyn Brewery doing "research." First of all, Blast, a double IPA in their Brewmasters Reserve series totally kicked my ass. It was the best double IPA I've ever had, and two of them made me and my friend Sarah drunk for EIGHT HOURS. We're such girls!

Now to complain about Williamsburg, the neighborhood the brewery is in. While I was smoking outside, next to the BMW's, a stupid blond waspy woman and her pasty boyfriend walked past me and coughed on purpose to make me feel like an asshole. I almost went Jersey City on her ass, and restrained myself from shouting, "Fuck you, you stupid blond cunt. I don't burn you with cigarettes for existing!" And then I'd guiltily wimper, "I'm trying to quit."

By the way, I'm going to try to quit smoking again. For serious this time. I got a book and I'm ordering a vapor cigarette. Expect mood swings and disproportionate emotional reactions.

My three favorite things: beer, ghosts--and of course, me!

2010-03-05T12:17:00.000-08:00

Last weekend, I treated myself to a Riverhorse Brewery tasting followed by a night at a haunted hotel with a man friend.

First we went to the Brewery in Lambertville and sampled beer for lunch, which ran four for a dollar. We went through them in order of flavor and strength: Riverhorse Special Ale, (American Amber), Hop-a-lotamus (double IPA), an Oatmeal Milk Stout (their seasonal limited reserve), and Tripel Horse (Belgian style).

I liked all of them even though the Special Ale was only 4.5 percent ABV and usually Ambers are too bland for me. And though usually I don't like Belgians, Tripel Horse was surprisingly citrusy and refreshing, like a desert or champagne after my beer lunch. My favorites were the Oatmeal Milk Stout and Double IPA, which was no surprise because stouts and IPA's are my favorite beers.

The brewery was small and the tour was self-guided. We ran around the brewery touching machines that we didn't know how to operate. There were keys in the fork-lift, but we had enough self-restraint to not commandeer it. We wanted to buy more samples, any way.

This is me at the vats where they put the ingredients in and boil and strain them. No, I did not add a touch of Melissa because they clean them out all the time the solvents would kill my DNA, which I need.

Here's some pictures of my buddy playing on the labeling and bottling machines.

Then we went to the self-purportedly most haunted inn in the town that called itself The Most Haunted Town in America--the Logan Inn in New Hope, PA. We did not see any ghosts, although at one point the furniture sounded like it knocked, but nothing serious. This is me reading a ghost story book in front of a portrait of one of the ghosts, Emily, and her husband.

There was a surprising amount of witch craft, medieval role-playing stores and old white hippies in New Hope. It was fun, although in conclusion, the beer was good but the ghosts sucked. Maybe the hippies's magic crystals kept them away, but more likely, their medieval body odor. Stupid hippies!

Snubbed yet again. Oh, Hudson Reporter, am I not good enough for your typos?

2010-02-21T18:12:00.000-08:00

I don't know if you read the big news in the Midweek Reporter this week, but COMEDY IS FINALLY COMING TO JERSEY CITY!

You may be wondering, "What about BabyHole, the comedy show listed on the right of this screen? And, more importantly, what about Melissa Surach? I love her and never get enough of hearing about her."

I agree. I never tire of hearing about me either. Yet, in the first paragraph of this story about Catch a Rising Star Comedy Show, me, Melissa Surach, and my show, BabyHole, were conspicuously omitted. We weren't mentioned in the second paragraph either, or the third. Instead, Stockinette's Comedy Night was mentioned, as well as Art House, despite the fact that Art House doesn't have comedy shows and BabyHole is the longest running comedy show in Jersey City and I have a comedy award from the city. (The story of my award was reported in every other paper. Yes, it's true: City Council voted unanimously to honor me, and the Reporter should as well. )

But besides all that, The Reporter has been listing my comedy show in its events section for two years. Shouldn't some one have noticed the error?* In addition, they printed my Letter to the Editor this summer, in which I stated who I was, bragged about my comedy show, and nagged them about giving me and award.

The new comedy show is called Catch a Rising Star and it's at Michael Anthony's, which has yacht parking. Seriously. The show is $25 and there's a two-item-minimum, which will probably add an extra $20 at least. Here's a picture of the host. It's ironic that for a show called "Catch a Rising Star," the stars are 85-years-old. For the entrance fee, and old, experienced comedians, it should be decent talent. But I'd take the budget-night out at BabyHole over it any day. I'm partial.

*Well, they've only kind of listed my show in the Event Section. They refused to print BabyHole, so it's called BH Open Mic, and the information is from two years ago because they won't update it even after I emailed them the changes five times. I hope people aren't knocking on the now-defunct Toy Eaters doors every Tuesday.

My cheap Valentine's Day tattoos

2010-02-14T18:06:00.000-08:00

Today, I took a brief reprieve from crying to get rapidly stabbed a thousand times. This is my new tattoo (courtesy of Jersey City Tattoo Company and their $14 Valentine's Day Tattoo Sale).

This was the outline:

After the color (I avoided the gory pictures. You're welcome.):

This was my favorite part, the one where I have a Terminator arm:

Look at how adorable my forearm grew up to be!

An evening of romance with Dirty Dog

2010-02-14T14:51:00.000-08:00

Dirty Dog wishes everyone a Happy Valentine's Day and I hope you enjoy looking at my dog as much as I do.

Dirty will be your Valentine for $5.

Like a beautiful vodka bird nest

2010-02-01T12:09:00.000-08:00

Look at this Wolfschimdt display I made. It's like a beautiful vodka bird laid them. And it wasn't Screamy--she's too lazy.

Cheap vodka never looked so classy. Notice that I paired Wolfschmidt with free dog biscuits. At only $1.29 a shot, how can you afford to NOT drink them?

No furry babies? What am I supposed to exploit now?

2010-01-31T11:21:00.000-08:00

We finally got around to taking the dirty feral cat to the vet. We found out that it does NOT have cat AIDS (at least probably not--so don't share needles or try to sleep with it).

Also, it's not pregnant because it's a male. Apparently, there's a lot of things I need to learn about penises. However, its foot is permanently deformed from a birth defect, so that's something I can talk about at the water cooler.

This is a picture of my sister trying to step on it. It survived, so I suggested we name it Ugg because of her ugly boots.

If you've seen my 2008 Calendar, you can imagine how upset I was about not having kittens--not just for the recipes, but for the exploitation as well. Maybe one day, I'll have a litter of my own.

Oh, would you like some fleas?

2010-01-28T08:37:00.000-08:00

The good news is that the cat is out of the ceiling and there are no dead kittens stuck in the wall. Also, her nose is less crusty, and she's now beige instead of gray, and she lets us pet her. The bad news is that I'm pretty sure the cat is still pregnant, and her foot is deformed. However, we still don't know if she has cat HIV.

My sister is going to keep her unless someone claims her and we've been fighting over what to name her. I know it should be her decision, but her names are so stupid I almost slapped her.

Nikki's Names:

Kitty

Snowflake

Annie (which I originally came up with as a compromise over Kitty)

Melissa's Names:

Rainbow Face

Frankenkitty

Yeti

She likes to eat string.

Here, she's saying, "Yes, I like to play with balls. And would you like some fleas as well?"

She has to sit like this because of her belly full of kittens and gross foot.

Is this your little white pussy?

2010-01-26T08:58:00.000-08:00

Last night, my sister and I dragged this cat in from my parents' back yard. It's a little white cat with two different colored eyes, a bad leg, and it might be pregnant. It's been hanging out for about a week.

It seemed friendly at first, until we got it in the basement, where it hid from us under a pile of sharp tools.

This morning we went to check on it, and it disappeared. I hope it's not in the ceiling. We'd like to take it to the vet before it has kittens in the wall.

Is this your cat? If so, please come and get it and take it to the vet.

Is that dead tree for your dead baby?

2010-01-25T09:26:00.000-08:00

Last week I found this decrepit Christmas tree skeleton on Wayne Street. The sidewalk was strewn with other Christmas tree corpses, but they were all still green, full of needles, and looked like they were from this year.

How many years did this family keep this sad little firehazard? Were they hoarders, or cheap?

I can imagine their Christmas Day: dollar store objects and stoop sale throw aways barely covered in crumpled newspaper under this spiny mummy, "Children, retrieve your toys--but watch out for your eyes." Then the parents lament, "We might have to finally get rid of the tree this year--it's on fire again. But grandma will be happy to know we kept it for as long as we could, as stated in her will."

Which brings to mind: What rags do they force their Christmas-cheerless children to wear, and what do they do with their deceased pets?

Hey! It's Jersey City. The Lamp Post.

2010-01-20T14:47:00.000-08:00

New directions, new pictures, and new underwear!

2010-01-19T13:49:00.000-08:00

As I've mentioned before, I'm changing my blog around. Let's face it: I hate writing in it and you hate reading it. On a side note, I need new underwear too.

I'm busy editing hundreds of photos and uploading videos. In anticipation of the new direction I'm taking, please don't read anything below this beautiful picture of me and Dirty Dog, taken right before our bath.

And now into the future!

No Calendars! New Blog!

2010-01-07T10:28:00.001-08:00

I'm revamping my blog!

Don't be sad that I've discontinued my Melissa Surach Calendars. You probably aren't, because no one ever bought them. Instead I've decided to publish my narcissism on my blog, or else I'd have to give it up completely because it's so expensive!

Also, no one reads my blog or posts comments except for sex workers and erection pills. That's fine by me--I don't write in it too much anymore and someone needs to generate the content. But I don't like being used by the human slave industry, especially if I'm not even getting laid.

So if you'd like to take pictures of me and document my beauty, let me know. I hope you like corpses!

NEW Magazine

2009-12-14T12:05:00.000-08:00

The website I write for, Jersey City Independent, recently acquired NEW Magazine, a free local magazine with over 40,000 readers. You can read about it here. Go, Jersey City Independent, go!

This is exciting news for 40,000 people. It means you'll learn to love me, too, and I'll love you.

See you in print!

Baby Hole-iday Extravaganza

2009-12-13T18:17:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone!

I'm growing out my beard out for the holidays so you can sit on my lap and pretend I'm Santa! This week's BabyHole is my present to you, and it's a big one.

Baby Hole-iday Extravaganza
Tuesday, December 15th, 9:00 pm, FREE!

Featuring:

-Crazy and the Brains (rock and roll)
-Jack Parson's Moonchild (performing original Christmas music)
-Alexander the Poet (erotic whale poetry)
-Hilary Schwartz (stand up)
-Soce the Elemental Wizard (gay hip hop)
-John F. O'Donnel (stand up)

Plus 6 open mic slots for stand up,sketch, musical comedy and funny videos.

Also, this is the last chance to give us your cans. We're doing a food drive for Let's Celebrate!

Holiday Greetings from me and Dirty Dog!

2009-12-12T19:14:00.000-08:00

Happy holidays!

There's no picture, but imagine I sent you a postcard of Dirty Dog on Santa's lap. That Santa is me, dressed as Santa. I'll actually take the picture when my intern gets over swine flu pneumonia and is strong enough to click to make the picture.

By the way, here's a genius idea for someone. Can someone please make a photo spread of pets in holiday outfits in winter scenery? I really want to see a cat dressed like menora, bunnies with big snowflakes on their foreheads, and dogs in Christmas dresses on my lap (as I'm dressed like Santa, of course). I don't really know what Kwanzaa or the Muslim holiday this month is about, but if they can be made into themes for adorable animal pictures, please include it.

I would do it myself, but I'm busy making gifts. I'm super broke for the holidays, so as usual, everything's DIY. I'm up to my boobs in shell jewelry at the moment, but also expect some snow "globes" (jars from dollar store food), and crayon portraits.

Happy Winter Holiday!

May your New Year be better than mine.

Love,
Melissa and Dirty

God Hates Fags!

2009-11-22T09:40:00.001-08:00

For Halloween, I was one of the God Hates Fags people. This was the other side of my sign, which I've actually seen on churches and on real protester's signs, so I didn't make it up myself.

I'm the one on the left.

Greetings from behind the Iron Curtain!

2009-10-24T14:43:00.000-07:00

Tonight's my last night in Poland and I'm shit faced on elderly Polish people. We're staying with my great aunt and I've met literally thousands of 100-year-old Polish relatives, and seen more photos of dead ones.

I didn't really get a chance to party because old people were stuffing me with cured meats the entire time and would get hostile if I refused. In 4 days, I gained 10 pounds. I plan on fasting on twigs when I get back. I'm also looking for a Master Cleanse buddy, if anyone's interested. And I plan on fasting from old Polish people (this means you, grandma).

I'm going back to Berlin tomorrow. Hopefully, I won't be too flatulant to hang out with people who are young and ambulatory. I think I caught arthritis from someone, and I smell like my grandpa did before he died. I need to figure out how to ditch my mom and follow some German boys around. I hope they like the smell of salami.

Here's some highlights from my trip (itinerary Berlin, Warsaw, Krakow, Gdansk, Berlin).

1. You can't walk more than 10 feet without stumbling across a memorial/concentration camp. Also, I almost puked on Aushewitz by accident.

2. At a divey German soccer bar, I was flattered to notice a guy checking me out. After doing an extravagant Sexy American pose, I realized he was just making fun of my outfit with his friends.

3. Cabbage, cabbage, cabbage!

4. I learned how to make home made wine and am smuggling Spiritus to make my own licqueurs. Also, Vodka Party at my house! For one, because I have no friends.

5. I think I developed a goiter from all this cured meat. But it's nothing a mild case of gout can't strain out! Ha ha! LMFAO!

6. I found amber on the beach, or maybe I just have a pocketful of rocks. At least it got me out of the house.

I'll be back in Jersey City on Tuesday.

Moldy Haired Faggots Pray to the East in the NY Press

2009-10-14T07:44:00.000-07:00

I got an essay printed in the NY Press this week. Here it is.

Other news sources covering my award...

2009-09-25T12:31:00.000-07:00

In case you're not tired of listening to me brag, here's a list of all the news articles that wrote up my award spectacle. It hasn't made the Times or CNN yet, but I have some spells I'm conjuring.

Jersey City Comedian Melissa Surach Finally gets her Award
From The Jersey Journal, September 24th, 2009

Council Report: Melissa Surach Gets an Award, Frequent Flyer Night and More
From The Jersey City Independent, September 25th, 2009

Melissa Surach gets some Respect
From JerseyCity.com, September 25th, 2009

Honoring me.

2009-09-24T06:05:00.000-07:00

Last night, Jersey City Council unimously approved a resolution to honor me. While I'm flattered (yet annoyed that they wouldn't let me marry my dog), I still can't believe it made a headline in the Jersey Journal, according to yahoo local news.

MY AWARD TODAY!

2009-09-23T10:19:00.000-07:00

In case you haven't heard my whining, I've been begging for an award from City Hall for several months. You can read about my struggles here and here.

Tonight, City Call is voting on a resolution about me at the Council meeting. I'm not sure what it's for, or what kind of speech to give, but when I called them, they told me I'm not allowed to try to marry my dog, or sexually harass Councilman Fulop, even though I picked out a fancy dress.

Please come to City Hall tonight at 6 pm to support me. I'm going to try to be as annoying as possible without sabotaging my award. Any shouting from you is allowed. It's probably going to be boring, but I give you permission in advance to scream profanities.

Thanks!
Melissa

BABYHOLE BACK AT LAMP POST

2009-09-20T09:20:00.000-07:00

BabyHole is back at The Lamp Post because the Iron Monkey's dining room/stairwell landing made us sad.

Come this Tuesday! The show's going to be really good.

It's better anyway because the Lamp Post looks like a womb.

Hey Tom Scharpling, thanks for stealing my thunder!

2009-09-09T09:50:00.000-07:00

Last night's BabyHole was the worst on record. It was a horrible show.

In addition to being moved to the dining room/stairwell landing and starting late (we had to wait for dinner service to be over), WFMU's Best Show had a party on the roof that was apparently more exciting than BabyHole and everyone ignored me as they stamped through my show on the way up the stairs.

Now, I know that everyone loves WFMU, and that Tom Scharpling's Best Show is good, and he keeps company with fancy celebrities and Ted Leo played live. Big deal.

Everyone with shaggy hair, tattoos and ironic glasses from Jersey City and Hoboken, my usual audience, were stolen by him. Well I hope you all got laid. Good job.

Several regular BabyHolers, including Dancing Tony and fellow Jersey City comedians Upset Triangle asked me, "Is BabyHole going on?"

I replied, "Yeah are you coming?"

"No, we're going up to the roof."

After repeating this conversation a few times, I gave up on my show and went up to the roof with them.

WHEN IS AUTOMATA CHINO REOPENING? I WANT BABYHOLE BACK.

BabyHole Tomorrow!

2009-09-07T07:16:00.000-07:00

After a full day of labor, BabyHole will be rebirthed tomorrow night. Be there for the gore!

BabyHole
September 8th, 9:00 pm, FREE

Featuring stand up by Dave Angelo and Brendan Fitzgibbons, and musical comedy powerhouse Ike and Mike the Perfect 10.

Plus 6 open mic slots for sketch, stand up, musical comedy and funny videos.* And I'll be showing Melicious Bottomvomit. Hosted by Matt Kelly.

Unfortunately, since my last show at Automata Chino was raided, this show will be held in the second floor dining room/stairwell of the Iron Monkey. On the upside, I heard that some celebrities will be passing through on their way to the roof.

The Iron Monkey
97 Greene Street
Jersey City, NJ

Two blocks from Exchange Place PATH and Lightrail Stations.

Thanks!
Melissa

*If you have video you'd like to share, please show up at 9 so we can check it in.

STOP PERSECUTING ME!

2009-08-25T23:28:00.000-07:00

BABYHOLE GOT RAIDED.

I went to my show, BabyHole, today, after spending a horrible afternoon in court with my stalker, and frustratedly working on my few freelance articles on whatever my broken, obsolete computer will allow me to maybe finish (by the way, I have to hire an attorney tomorrow...any pro bono takers? For the unmedicated schizophrenic stalker case) when my show was RAIDED.

It wasn't my fault it got raided...But it really sucked. Do I get street cred at least?

SEE WHAT'S HEAR

2009-08-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

This Tuesday's BabyHole is part of the See What's Hear Festival. The Festival welcomes the Barclay's at Liberty National Golf Course*.

BabyHole
Tuesday, April 25th, 9:00 pm, free!

Featuring rock and roll by Darren Deicide. Stand up by Mark Normand, Chelsea White, and Rosie Rebel. About 6 open mic slots for sketch, stand up and musical comedy. Video by me. Hosted by Adam Colicchio.

Plus there's a $3 beer menu.

IM Automata Chino
99 Greene Street
Jersey City, NJ

Two blocks from Exchange Place PATH and Lightrail Stations.

*Ironically, I'm not welcome to either event or club, but I still have dreams.

You're Welcome!

2009-08-20T14:52:00.000-07:00

The first installment of my new humorous column is up, if you'd like to read it. I'm writing for Jersey City Independent, which is what all the cool kids in town read.

You're Welcome!

Cory Booker

2009-08-20T07:51:00.000-07:00

Last night I met Newark's mayor Cory Booker. He was my second choice. I wanted to talk to Mayor Healy, who was hanging around trying to win back the artist community. He was casually dressed, and looked one wardrobe decision away from wearing a tie-dye shirt.

I just missed Healy, so I was stuck with Cory. I was weirded out by his blue contacts and that he was hanging out at a bar in Jersey City when there was a protest in Newark after 6 people got shot over night, but he is still handsome.

"Hi Cory Booker. My name is Melissa Surach."

"Melissa Surach. That's a good name."

"It was bastardized when my family came to Ellis Island."

"What was it before?"

"Soooraaaaacheeee."

He repeated after me with an exaggerated gesture and his secret service men laughed at him.

"I have two things to ask you. First of all, say hi to Obama for me."

"Will do."

"Secondly, I run a comedy show in Jersey City."

"You know, comedians and politicians have a lot in common, we're both in front of audiences trying to make them like us."

"Except you have money and power."

We laughed.

"Are you going to hang out with Healy?" I asked.

"Yeah, we're going to the Beer Garden."

"Can you ask him about my award? He'll probably know who I am."

He mumbled something and rudely walked away, considering the raport we'd built. I considered going to the Beer Garden to bother them some more, but I was already drunk.

See What's Hear Festival!

2009-08-18T08:28:00.001-07:00

Next week's BabyHole is part of Jersey City's See What's Hear Festival. Welcome to BabyHole, Barclays Golf Tournament!

For more information/listings/printable brochure, click here.

Yesterday's best conversation

2009-08-13T13:40:00.000-07:00

My sister and I were at Groove on Grove.

"Why are there so many hipsters in Jersey City?" she asked.

"Do I look like a hipster?" I asked.

"No. You look like you buy your clothes at the dollar store."

It's true!

BabyHole tomorrow

2009-08-10T08:39:00.001-07:00

Hey everyone!

BabyHole's tomorrow, and you're about to finally live (except for the band, Better Off Dead).

BabyHole Open Mic
Tuesday, August 11th, 9:00 pm, FREE!

Featuring rock and roll band Better Off Dead. Stand up by Ricky Butler and Dan St. Germaine. Melicious Bottomvomit (my public access show) preview. Six open mic slots for stand up, sketch, musical comedy, and funny videos.*

Hosted by Rogelio Perez.

*If you're bringing a video, sign up at 9:00 so we can check it before the show starts.

$3 Beer Menu!

IM Automata Chino
99 Greene Street
Jersey City, NJ

One block from the Exchange Place PATH Station and Light Rail.

National Night Out at City Hall

2009-08-03T07:05:00.000-07:00

Dear countrymen,

Please join me at the Rally for National Night Out at City Hall in Jersey City.

In the past, Jersey City has sponsored block parties as rallies to combat street crime. This year, the rally will converge on City Hall to combat corruption and political crimes, the most egregious of which is me not getting an award.

I will be at the rally protesting the fact that I have not yet received the award, which I used to ask for politely. Feel free to make signs, like "Who do I have to f***ing bribe to get Melissa Surach an award?" or "If you don't give Melissa Surach an award, I will f**k the s**t out of you." I encourage obsenities.

I will be there dressed in gold body makeup, possibly pretending to be a statue as a means of earning tips/donations for my cause. Steve Fulop, local hearthrob and wonderboy Councilman will speak.

Feel free to ask me for an autograph, or get one from the local superstars like Mariano Vega, Official 4 (Mayor Healy), and others who were indicted/implicated the last week's state wide corruption sweep.

National Night Out at City Hall
Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
6:00 pm - 7:30
280 Grove Street
Jersey City, NJ

Thank you,
Melissa Surach

Answer my prayer?

2009-07-17T05:19:00.000-07:00

This is a plea for sponsors for my show, Melicious Bottomvomit.

Melicious Bottomvomit Sponsor Prayer from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

Stop being a jerk.

2009-07-16T06:22:00.000-07:00

Dear MTA,

You are a jerk. Several months ago, after a very long work day, I rushed to get to class on time. But when I tried to refill my card, your stupid machine ate my money.

I spent the next half hour trying get the machine open to retrieve my money. It wouldn't have been that big of a deal, except that all the other machines were broken, as well as my trust in you.

The Port Authority agents were very helpful and attentive after the initial 10 minutes while they watched me scramble around in panic from a distance. I couldn't jump the turnstile because it was rush hour, and the wave of immigrants in the opposite direction was very aggressive, and also, the agents were watching me with their soulless eyes.

The agents stayed with me while they found the officer who had complaint forms. He was diddling around somewhere. Finally, I was given a number to call so that I could fill out a form via phone. However, I think that the man who tele-filled it for me made a mistake, because today I got a letter, 2 months later, that you found my claim to unsubstantiated, unless I provide a receipt. I do not have a receipt because the machine was broken and I filled out the complaint form over the telephone, so I don't have a copy. Neither did you send me one so I can verify the details. I don't remember the exact date, or machine number, so you can go fuck yourself.

I hate you and hope that you die. I plan on buying a rowboat for my commuting needs from now on.

Sincerely.

Melicious Bottomvomit Setbacks and Hugs

2009-07-15T12:12:00.000-07:00

Most people are tired of hearing about my public access show, "Melicious Bottomvomit," and doubt that it will ever air. Those people are stupid, because they could just come to BabyHole and watch the uncensored previews. Last night I screened almost the entire first episode.

The screenings are going over very well, and every hugs me afterwards. But because of all these hugs, and the laughter, I've encouraged myself to submit it to festivals. Some of the festivals have restrictions, like not broadcasting while the festival's going on. And that reminds me, I need an ethnic director or producer.

So, the show may be delayed, but hopefully will be available online. I need to do research. Maybe it won't be festivalable at all.

All I know is that I want some awards.

My Letter to the Editor

2009-07-13T05:22:00.000-07:00

Please pick The Reporter out of your garbage can today. There's finally something worthwhile to read in it--My Letter to the Editor. You're welcome, Mr. Obama!

However, if the garbage men already took it away or your bird already pooped on it, here's the link: Where's my Award?

The Biergarten

2009-07-07T09:12:00.000-07:00

Congratulations to me, I just got married!

Thanks everyone. Feel free to send me presents. I just got married to Zeppelin Hall, the new beer garden in my neighborhood, which, coincidentally, is also where we're registered.

Zeppelin Hall is extremely reasonably priced, completely unpretentious, and has lots of sausage. However, it recently opened, and of course, is working out some kinks. So here are my suggestions.

1. Take down the fence so that I can stare at strangers on the Light Rail as they pass by, and also, Lady Liberty's butt.

2. More fake houses. Can I live in one? It'll just be for pretend. But seriously, can I live there?

3. Please add a beach. Just dig it out of the harbor. Oh god, I want a beach so bad I started burrowing out under the fence towards the river. I got you started. Just finish. If every patron at Zeppelin Hall just clawed a few feet out every day, I'd get my beach in no time.

4. PLEASE ADD ANIMATRONIC GERMANS. I love robots, especially when they wear lederhosen. They don't need to sing or dance, but they could.

5. More noise. The people who bought condos in Liberty Harbor deserve it.

As I've state above, what I want most of all are Bavarian robots. All of my friends and my dog agree.

But besides that, I look forward to spending the rest of our lives together.

I love you, Zeppelin Hall.

JENGA TOURNAMENT!

2009-07-02T11:57:00.000-07:00

If you love Jenga as much as I do, this will make you squeal.

JENGA TOURNAMENT!
Saturday, July 4th, 2:00-5:00 pm
Beret's Simple Cafe
174 Coles Street
Jersey City, NJ

We have four Jenga Towers, but there can only be one Jenga Master. Before you go to your barbecue, stop by Simple and kick some Jenga ass.

$3 to play a game. Winner takes all. You won't get rich, but it'll be good, cheap fun.

We will also have Drenga (drunk Jenga). Cheap liquor specials for Drenga players.

Melicious Bottomvomit Tiny Preview and Mini BabyHole Promo

2009-06-25T11:37:00.000-07:00

This is a tiny preview for my public access show. I can't tell if it's funny or scary. More at Automata Chino next Tuesday.

Melicious Bottomvomit Preview and BabyHole Mini Promo from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

New BabyHole Postcard

2009-06-23T13:30:00.000-07:00

BabyHole got a fancy new postcard for it's fancy new summer season at Automata Chino.

I'm sick and so is my pubic access show.

2009-06-10T08:57:00.001-07:00

I've been bed ridden for the past three days with either Swine Flu or Strep Throat. I hope it's the former, but if my larynx starts growing fur, I've got some antibiotics left over from my last UTI. Sometimes using Planned Parenthood as my primary health care provider just doesn't cut it, and it's times like these that I wish I had real healthcare. But at least my vag is covered.

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I was hoping to spend this week between jobs catching on on video editing and taking more tutorials, but my head's so foggy all I can do is sleep and complain.

I'm planning a prescreening of my pubic access show at BabyHole on June 30th at Automata Chino. Today I'm going to try to finish editing a baby goose montage and post it online, but first I'm going to lay down.

In the meantime, if you need a baby animal fix, you can look at the Jersey City's Live Peregrine Camera. I was addicted to it all weekend. The baby chicks look like they're wearing dresses! And best of all, they eat pigeons.

I LOVE BABY ANIMALS.

My day at the Jersey City Cemetery

2009-06-07T17:25:00.000-07:00

The cemetery on Newark Avenue will always have a place in my heart, and not just because I love dead people. I grew up a block away from it on 2nd Street. It's where I met my first shanty town hobo, Steve, where I went on my first date, and where I saw my first sacrificed animal (though not necessarily in that order). I never knew that the place I drank so much malt liquor behind had so much history, mostly because I never saw it in the daylight.

This wall was part of a fortification from the War of 1812. The holes were where cannons were, but I don't know about the weird doors on it. The website says that it was an "an active ammunition bunker and lookout point."

These are some pretty wild flowers that blanketed around the war debris.

Just in front of the wall is the Edge Mausoleum. It's pretty dilapidated, like most things in the cemetery, and if you look in the tiny hole on the door, it looks like it was decimated by grave robbers. But it's unique in that it is a brownstone mausoleum, which may be why it's not completely rubble yet. The Edge family was pretty big in Old Jersey City, and had one of the first manufacturing businesses in town: A gristmill.

Two different perspectives of it:

This hole is next to the mausoleum. It looks like some sort of chamber, but don't go spelunking in it by yourself because you will be crushed. Maybe it's part of the receiving area.

The current issue of Weird NJ, Issue #32, features the cemetery's receiving area. That's where they kept the bodies until the ground thawed and they could be buried in the spring. It also explores the underground tunnels and Underground Railroad connections. You can buy a copy from Grove Street Bicycles.

The Jersey City Cemetery Organization plans to restore it and actually give walking tours inside of it. As a matter of fact, they plan on restoring everything, the crumbled obelisks, the tunnels, the old mausoleums, the old picnic area, as well as making a museum in the old caretaker's house.

There were skylights on top of the reception area. Here's what remains of them. Be careful when you're walking around on top of it. The other skylights are holes, there's sharp debris, and the dirt slopes sharply.

The door of the receiving area had what looked like the remnants of duct tape or old paint in the shape of a cross. Forgive me for accidently deleting it. You can see it in Weird NJ. But the creepiest thing is the fallen tree in the shape of a cross in front of the door. Yikes!

There was lots of wildlife around there. There were fledgling birds in the grass. And groundhog holes to fall into. And tons of starlings, robins, and cardinals. A giant garter snake scared the crap out of me as four and a half feet of it disappeared under my feet into an invisible hole. One of the caretakers told me that they also have hawks and rabbits. If you go there, wear long pants because of the bugs, poison ivy and oak.

I couldn't get a picture of the cardinal. Unfortunately, the best picture I could get was this robin in the debris. If you squint you can see it in the middle.

Part of the cemetery was used as a dump. People would just throw their garbage over the wall. Because of that, and all the people who drink there at night, there's tons of artifacts lying around, especially vintage bottles. I found two bottles of something called "Hydrol," which looked like they were from the '40's or '50's. They had etchings on the side so you could keep track of the ounces you consume. I don't know what Hydrol is, and there's nothing about it online, but it sounds like it would fuck you up. I gave them to the caretaker for the museum that they're building. They could have a drunk display.

I also found a giant "Vibrator Unit." I didn't realize it was made by the Army until I took the pictures home and blew them up on my screen. According to the cemetery's website, it says that the military trained there during World War I and World War II. Maybe this vibrator unit helped defeat the nazis...with orgasms.

This is Mr. Gammel and his wife's headstone. He was the first interment at the cemetery in 1830, but I don't know where the accompanying gravesite is. The stone was resting against another one. The inscription is supposed to be very nice, but I couldn't make it out.

Here was one of my favorites stones, because of the inscription. Though I couldn't find any dead people with a sense of humor here (unlike the cemetery at Key West), at least these people were a little bitter about dying. The Draytons were also pretty big in Jersey City back in the day, but I'm not sure for what.

These headstones were just neat.

Payne.

Whyte. It's shaped like a log!

And Stone, which looks like an upside down penis. This is an example of the hundreds of fallen obelisks on the grounds.

I'm going to volunteer at the cemetery to help them dig things up. If you go there, and find anything cool, make sure you tell the caretakers and give it to them for the museum. I know they need lots of volunteers with all different skill sets. And if you know anything about it, or anyone who's buried there, make sure you tell them too, so they can piece the history together.

Exciting BabyHole News!

2009-06-03T05:23:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to blog for the past week or two, but Verizon hates me and won't let me put up pictures from my trip to the Jersey City Cemetery. I found a giant Vibrator Unit from World War II there and I can't even brag!

Anyway, as you've read, BabyHole is supposed to be on a lazy summer vacation. But that's a lie. It's true that I wanted to take a break, but no one will let me. Jersey City, I didn't know you cared so much!

BabyHole is moving to Automata Chino at starting June 30th. And we'll be biweekly, too.

I love doing the show at the Lamp Post, but Automata Chino has a projector screen so that I can show videos. It also has a stage. Classy!

Almost done with the Public Access Show!

2009-05-22T05:52:00.001-07:00

And by "almost done," I mean it'll be about a month.*

I'm going to catch up on editing today and there's only a few things left to shoot. I'm going to hype up my "Give Melissa Surach an Award" Campaign, and I'll be shooting it. Don't be surprised if you see me at City Hall protesting the fact that I've never been nominated for an award from the city.

(By the way, if you want to be in my crowd of "protesters," it'll be tons of fun and I'll buy you pizza).

I also need sponsors so that I can broadcast it statewide. Contact me if you'd like your 30-second commercial to air or a shout out. If you don't have a commercial, I'll shoot it for super cheap.

If you don't trust me and think that my show will be horrible, take a look at some of the rough cuts of sketches that will be on it:

Sexxxy Phone Datez - watch more funny videos

Hey! It's Jersey City. Jersey City Pride. from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

Talkin' to Important People Interview with Steve Fulop from Melissa Surach on Vimeo.

*In general, it takes about a month to shoot a 3-minute-long sketch, but sometimes much longer. The last one took about 5 or 6 weeks, but it includes dancing, puppies and kids.

BabyHole Season coming to an end

2009-05-19T06:11:00.001-07:00

BabyHole's going to get lazy over the summer. We'll only be doing monthly shows June-August.

Why? Because I am super busy and I don't have enough time to devote to it as I should. And being lazy and unorganized doesn't help.

I'm working three jobs, taking a class, trying to finish my public access show and renovating my kitchen. I'm behind on my classwork, getting confused about booking BabyHole, scambling to finish editing/shooting the public access show, and as for the kitchen, I've been living on pizza for a month and may have lead poisoning. I blame the jobs. Why can't my life pay me money?

So summer seems like the perfect time to take a BabyHole break.

Tonight's the second-to-last show and it's going to be good. I'm not hosting, but I'll be hanging around.

Jersey City 2009 Candidate Endorsements

2009-05-09T06:38:00.000-07:00

I'm endorsing the candidates last minute because I was waiting to interview them for my show and I would then make a decision based on how nice they were to me and the gifts they would bring me. However, either they told me I would get an interview and then reneged (Mayor Healy) or ignored me entirely (everyone besides Dan Levin).

Here are my endorsements for the 2009 Jersey City Election. I'll start with the Wards that no one cares about:

Ward A - Greenville
Greenville is known for its high murder rate and open air heroin deals. It's where my dad's side of the family is from, though they moved to the suburbs before they had an opportunity to be shot.

For this ward, I endorse Andre Richardson, an independent. I'm endorsing Mr. Richardson because he is a sexy black man, and Greenville needs more of that.

Ward B - Greenville/Westside (I guess)
I call this area Chromium Land.

All of these candidates seemed pretty terrible, so I'm just going to endorse the incumbent, Phil Kenny, on Healy's ticket.

Ward C - Journal Square
Journal Square is known for the PATH Station, Journal Square. Also, there's tons of haunted areas around here--haunted by both ghosts and homeless people with mental illnesses. It also has the most delicious neighborhood in town, India Square.

For this ward, I endorse Norrice Raymaker (One Jersey City) on Levin's ticket. I'm endorsing her because she loves puppies and so do I.

Ward D - The Heights
The Heights is known for it's absolute lack of anything to do at night and everyone that's from there dresses like it's 1995.

I'm endorsing James Carroll on the Manzo ticket because he seems like the candidate least likely to kill someone/die.

Ward E - Downtown
Downtown is known for its whiny yuppies and high rent. It leads the waspification of Jersey City. It's where I grew up, and it's where my mom's side of the family is from when part of it used to be a Polish ghetto (so I'm told).

i'm endorsing incumbent Steve Fulop, an independent, because he gave me an interview and I want to see his balls.

Ward F - Bergen Lafayette (I guess)
Bergen Lafayette is known for its gang turf wars, Chinese restaurants that sell cigarettes and crack pipes, and just being a general mess of murder and I won't go there at night. (Greenville's pretty bad too, but at least it seems to be trying.)

This was hard because the problems facing Lafayette are like that of the 3rd world, with its high unemployment and poverty, high school drop outs, guerilla warfare and drug trade. I tentatively endorse Viola Richardson, the incumbent on Healy's ticket, because I just don't know what to do.

At Large
There are 13 candidates running for At Large and I think I get to vote for 3 but I'm not sure. I'm still watching video of the debates, but so far I'm leaning towards Emilio Delia on Dan Levin's ticket (One Jersey City).

Mayor
I'm endorsing Dan Levin on the One Jersey City ticket. I endorse him because he seems to be the least corruptible and doesn't seem to be making any back door deals with evil people. Also, he gave me an interview. In this interview, I pretended the microphone was my penis and he laughed (though I think he was just being polite.)

However, I am willing to change my mind if anyone promises me an award. Here are some suggestions: The Prettiest Genius in Jersey City, The Most Beautiful and Smartest Humor Genius, or #1 Lady.

Greetings from my mailing list!

2009-04-28T13:23:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone,

This was the email I sent out this morning:

BabyHole is canceled for tonight. But don't worry, it'll be back next week on May 5th with The McMickle Brothers and more.

BabyHole is going through some growing pains right now. It's changing. It might even get its period soon and act super bitchy. But don't get mad. It's blossoming. Just wait and see.

Here is one change to expect:

- The host. Would you like to host it? Be my guest. Sometimes I just need a night off for quality Melissa time. Email me if you're interested.

I'm also looking to book more bands. I don't know many guys in bands anymore since I stopped partying so much. So email me.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Extras!

I'm shooting sketches for my public access show every weekend now and I pretty much always need extras. We can be stars together!

No pay, but I provide lunch and it's only for a few hours. Email me if you're interested.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Sponsors!

My show will broadcast on Comcast NJ, throughout the entire state, not just Jersey City. How exciting! Sponsoring my show is a great way to reach thousands of customers in the area for very little money. If you don't have a commercial, I'll shoot it for cheap. Just sponsor me! Email me for rates.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

So in conclusion, just email me.

Thanks!
Melissa

I need extras tomorrow!

2009-04-24T12:15:00.000-07:00

I'm shooting a sketch tomorrow and I need extras! It'll be for a few hours in the afternoon in Jersey City and I'll provide lunch.

The sketch is going to be part of my public access show and online.

Email me and I'll send you details.

Thanks!
Melissa

BabyHole tomorrow night!

2009-04-20T07:15:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow night will be an awesome BabyHole and if you don't come you'll probably have nightmares about all of the mirth you missed and ghost births.

BabyHole Open Mic
Tuesday, April 21st, 9:00 pm, free

Featuring stand up by Dan St. Germain, Aalep Patel and rock and roll band The Undoings. Plus about 8 open mic slots for stand up, sketch and musical comedy. Hosted by me.

The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

WTF Hollywood?

2009-04-07T10:24:00.000-07:00

So there are FOUR movie sets around my house today. The furthest one is four blocks away.

It's for a pilot about nurses from Iraq, which is going to be a comedy drama?

I'm thinking about standing around and touching things until they start paying me to pull cord.

I really need a job.

MELISSASURACH.COM! CALENDAR CLEARANCE SALE!

2009-03-31T09:14:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a few months, hundreds of tutorials and a few false starts, but I finally finished my website.

MelissaSurach.com

It's not the prettiest website or most efficient website. Some parts are ugly and clunky. It'll be streamlined later on in the week or maybe in the year. I was just so excited about my CALENDAR CLEARANCE SALE that I had to burst it out and I can't be bothered with finishing sentences or projects or using words properly today.

Buy my calendar for half price. Only $6!

Just go to www.melissasurach.com/merchandise.

Also, BabyHole is tonight. Some awesome comedians. Stand up by Rachel Parenta and Aalep Patel. Music by The McMickle Brothers. And about 8 open mic slots for sketch, stand up and musical comedy.

BABYHOLE OPEN MIC
Tuesday, March 31st, 9:00 pm, free!
The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

The Jersey City Independent

2009-03-29T08:01:00.001-07:00

I've ridiculed the The Hudson Reporter and The Current's many faults, including the two-week old stories, typos and calendar mistakes, fluff stories about no-bodies and hacks, that they're basically real-estate classifieds, and the fact that they simply won't put "BabyHole" in their listings because it's too risque, which I think is stupid. What are we, Victorians?

(Meanwhile, I've been trying to get them to hire me as copy editor but they won't for some reason.)

And the Jersey Journal is a tabloid, but that's what we have left.

This city is closer to New York than Brooklyn, yet it is so much lamer. Why? Because the media (and local government and zoning laws) treats Jersey City people as barely literate babies with delicate sensibilities and no cognitive skills, reactionary and mobbish. And if you read JCList.com, a prominent internet bitching forum, that would be true.

If you treat a city like a baby, it'll act like a baby. (I'm talking to you, JC media and government.) I'm a firm believer that you can tell a city's sophistication by its free periodicals. Have you ever gone on vacation and not picked up the local paper to find things to do? Well that's what I do. And if I picked up The Current, I'd be disappointed and spend the night in my hostel playing board games with Europeans. But then again, Jersey City doesn't have hostels or European tourists.

There's finally a real new source for this town, Jersey City Independent. Jersey City Independent is a triumph over the BS and fluff of the other papers. I don't know why it took so long to get a news source covering relevant stories, but we finally have one.

The only drawback is that it's online, and you can't just pick up one on the street. And yes, print is dead, but maybe they can get some sort of subsidy to mass distribute, maybe when tourism picks up or something. Maybe one day we'll be able to have our Village Voice or New York Press. Maybe in a hundred years.

BabyHole tomorrow night!

2009-03-23T10:08:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

This is from my mass email:

Hello everyone,

Come and recess with us at BabyHole tomorrow night. It's the cheapest entertainment around. How cheap? $2 PBR pints cheap.

BabyHole Open Mic
Tuesday, March 24th, 9:00 pm, free

Featuring stand up by Matt Ruby, Mark Normand. Music by Saturn Returns, which has Colin Comstock, Roland Ramos and Chris Nyne as members, I believe.

Hosted by me, Melissa Surach.

The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

My trip to the secret beach in Liberty State Park and the swans

2009-03-23T09:13:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago, I went to my favorite part of Liberty State Park, the secret beach. I call it the secret beach because no one wants to go there or knows how to get there.

If only the Hudson River weren't so disgusting and polluted, I'd go swimming and oystering there like the Lenape did until the Dutch ruined everything.

Here's pictures.

These are some dead mussels and broken glass in the sand of the secret beach.

Here's a door I found. There were also 100 year-old bricks every where. And garbage, mostly broken glass. Parts of the beach smelled like sewer.

This is Dirty Dog. He loved the beach. He ran all over in circles peeing on things. He also kept eating things he found, but I could never figure out what he was eating and he'd swallow it too fast. I assumed it was dead mussels and he smelled like fish for a week afterward. His breath was horrendous.

On the way back to the car, we passed by the man made pond and saw these swans in it. Upon my research, I subsequently found out that they are married (swans are monogamous and mate for life) and nesting and will have swan babies in Liberty State Park in a few weeks!

When the swans saw us, they got close and closer. We were worried that they would attack us like geese and they looked like they wanted to eat our dogs. We got scared and left. Maybe they were just begging for food.

Stop Raping People 2009 Pictures

2009-03-23T08:32:00.000-07:00

These are pictures from the Women's Day benefit we had at BabyHole a few weeks ago. Sorry it took me so long to post them. Iphoto stole them and wouldn't let me touch them for a while and my camera sucks. Everyone made fun of how big it was.

This is the Stop Raping People donations box and sign. At the end of the night, there was $151 dollars in it. Not very impressive, but 2.5 times what we made last year, which was a pitiful $61.

These are the open mikers hanging out before the show. BabyHole makes people friends!

This was the featured comedian Jessica Delfino. She hates rape. She commented that maybe the reason there weren't too many people at the benefit was because the it was called "Stop Raping People" and it was at a show called "BabyHole."

This was the featured band, The Demands. I believe they're playing Groove on Grove next month.

These are some friends hugging. BabyHole makes people hug!

So come to next year's Stop Raping People Benefit Show. You'll get friends, hugs and help people not get raped. All of the donations went to The Global Fund for Women and Women Rising, Inc.

Sausages and Limericks at tonight's BABYHOLE!

2009-03-17T09:53:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow's BabyHole will be a rock-n-roll St. Patrick's Day let down. And by let down, I mean, cheer up because unlike every other bar in town, we won't have any bag pipes or douche bags in plastic green hats screaming.

Instead, tomorrow night at BabyHole we will have a LIMERICK CONTEST! And a SAUSAGEFEST CONTEST! And ROCK AND ROLL!

BabyHole Open Mic
Tuesday, March 17th, 9:00 pm

Featuring rock music by Crazy and the Brains. The winner of the Limerick Contest* gets a little bottle of Jameson. The winner of the Sausagefest Contest (the first woman to sign up) gets a bottle of champagne.

Don't forget that there's about 8 open mic slots.

*If you don't know what a limerick is, please google it.

The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

Thanks to everyone for not Raping People!

2009-03-11T13:19:00.000-07:00

Thanks to everyone who came out last night to Stop Raping People! BabyHole's International Women's Day Benefit. Attendance was low, just like last year. Apparently Jersey City is in favor of rape. What a surprise.

Still, the people who came donated and we raised 2.5 times what we did last year.

I wish I could put up pictures, but my camera is old and my computer is new and I don't know how to connect them yet.

What else am I up to? I'm still working on the website, and the public access show, and the ghost tour. Everything takes a long time because I'm a one woman industry and this woman is terrible at technology. Today I have to resize all of my images. How tedious!

The public access show should debut in April. I'm waiting to hear about my time slot. I'll have a big party for it or something.

Stop Raping People!

2009-03-04T12:31:00.001-08:00

Stop Raping People!

A benefit for The Global Fund for Women and Women Rising, Inc.

Featuring rock music by The Demands, musical comedy by renowned dirty folk star Jessica Delfino and about 8 open mic slots. Hosted by Melissa Surach.

SAUSAGEFEST CONTEST!
The first woman to sign up for the open mic gets a bottle of champagne.

BabyHole Open Mic
Tuesday, March 10th, 9:00 pm, suggested donation $5-$8*
The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

*If you're going to be a cheapie peepee and not come because you don't want to pay, just show up anyway and drink. The more money the bar makes, the more money I get to donate to the charities.

BabyHole tomorrow night!

2009-03-02T09:08:00.000-08:00

Hello,

I'm super busy with everything and have horrible organizational skills. So I'm only posting this for BabyHole tomorrow night.

BabyHole Open Mic
Tuesday, March 3rd, 9:00 pm, free!

Featuring country rock by The Poconos, stand up by Jamie Lee and Emily Epstein. And about 8 open mic slots. Hosted by me, Melissa Surach.

The Poconos
Jamie Lee
Emily Epstein

The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

Melissa Gras Tonight!

2009-02-24T06:31:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone,

Screw Mardi Gras tonight. Come celebrate me and masks instead!

Melissa's BabyHole Birthday Masquerade!
Tuesday, February 24th, 9:00 pm, Free

Featuring the House of Leaves and more! About 8 open mic slots.

If you don't have a mask, I'll have extras of my face for everyone to wear.

The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

So what's the deal with your Ghost Tour, Melissa?

2009-02-22T13:05:00.000-08:00

I love going on Ghost Tours and sometimes plan my vacations around them. Sometimes my traveling companions are jerks and don't let me go because they think it'll be stupid, but I always enjoy them. My favorites were in Chicago and Key West. My least favorite was Beaufort, North Carolina, because they tricked us. While telling a story in the cemetery, they blew an air horn to scare us. What a dirty trick!

Since Jersey City doesn't have a ghost tour, I'm developing one for it. I've done a lot of research at the library. I've read every Weird NJ, newspaper clipping, NJ ghost book, and contacted some NJ Paranormal Societies as well as JC Landmarks Conservancy. I've looked at every unsubstantiated website too, which was very tedious and frustrating.

Though there's lots of horror stories in Jersey City, there's very little information on ghosts. However, I've pretty much mapped out the locations I'll include, and I'll start doing in-depth research. I plan on doing this by researching the particular sites, including the families or inmates or deaths and building histories and conducting interviews with people who work or live there. I already have some old maps.

But I need your help. Do you have any personal experiences with ghosts in Jersey City? Have you seen, heard or felt something in Jersey City? Please let me know. Can I interview you? We won't have to let your name out if you don't want to.

I plan on conducting the first tour in March or April, when the weather gets nice enough.

Thank you,
Melissa Surach

Did you see a ghost? Do you live with a ghost? Are you married to a ghost?

2009-02-19T08:47:00.000-08:00

I'm working on my Jersey City Ghost Tour and I could use your help.

If you've had a paranormal experience in Jersey City, please let me know about it. I might include your story on my tour! I won't use your name if you don't want me to. Me and my ghostie friends will investigate your haunted house, too.

I'm especially interested in stories at or around these sites: The Beacon/The Old Jersey City Medical Center, McGinley Square (especially around the Reformed Church or cemeteries), The Courthouse, The Hudson River, The Palisades, The Jersey Journal building, The Jersey City Cemetery and Dead Man's Tunnel, and anything around Paulus Hook.

Thanks!
Melissa

Happy Valentine's Day!

2009-02-12T22:55:00.001-08:00

So this is a sketch I made for Valentine's Day. You can vote on it if you think it's funny.

Sexxxy Phone Datez - watch more funny videos

Can you tell that I did everything? It took a long time and reshooting because I'm bad at lighting, and especially judging how it looks in the view finder.

Jersey City Ghost Tour!

2009-02-04T12:15:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone,

I'm starting a Jersey City Ghost Tour in March, when the weather gets nicer. I'll also do a folklore/local legend tour.

Right now I'm working on catching up with all this fancy technology and working on the website and research.

If you have any Jersey City ghost stories, email me and you'll be the best.

Thanks!

BabyHole tomorrow night! Superbowel!

2009-02-02T13:06:00.000-08:00

Go sports! Thanks for coming out to BabyHole. This is just a quick reminder that tomorrow night's another SuperBowel.

BabyHole Open Mic
Tuesday, February 3rd, 9:00 pm, FREE!

Featuring reggae jam by Roland Ramos.

Stupid poetry by Saint Patrick.

It's like a Waterbug reunion except less violent. Let's hope no one tries to rip my nose off.

We also have about 8 open mic slots. Last week the open mic list filled up before I even got there. Yowzers!

Hosted by me, Melissa Surach.

The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

About five blocks from the Grove Street PATH station.

BabyHole's Winter Schedule

2009-01-26T10:51:00.000-08:00

So I finally got BabyHole's Winter Poster together. It's late because my computer was in the shop and my internet didn't work. I'm almost all caught up on my stuff now.

Feel free to print it and put it on your wall. Then you'll always know when to come to BabyHole!

BabyHole tomorrow night!

2009-01-26T08:28:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone,

Tomorrow night's another great big old BabyHole.

BabyHole Open Mic
Tuesday, January 27th, 9:00 pm, Free!

Featuring rock and roll band Plowing Mud Forever. Here's one of their music videos:

Stand up from Sean O'Connor. This is his picture.

Sketch from God Tastes Like Chicken.

Hosted by Melissa Surach.

The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

My old vacation

2009-01-23T05:42:00.000-08:00

I went on a cruise over Thanksgiving and totally forgot to show everyone pictures of how much I hate the sun and I can't wait until it burns out.

This is what I looked like when I tried to open my eyes on the deck. It's too sunny in the ocean. Someone should plant some trees or something.

Get out of my life, Mercury!

2009-01-22T08:38:00.000-08:00

Last week almost everything in my house broke, including my phone, computer and internet. Then I found out that Mercury was in retrograde. Some people (weirdos) think that when Mercury goes into retrograde, communications and technology breaks down. Usually, I think that people who blame a planet for ruining their lives are stupid and irresponsible. And maybe that was true with me for not paying bills on time, but also, Verizon's cable went out and no one would fix it, and a media card burnt out.

Things are back to normal now (although Mercury will be in retrograde until February 14th, so who knows what else will fall on my house). So I can go back to working on my public access show now.

I'm looking for locations to shoot my sketches in. My house looks like garbage, and so do all of my friends', and I have no money to offer, but I'll do your dishes, and the shoot will only last a few hours.

I need a living room that looks like a family lives there. Most of my friend's living rooms look like dorm rooms, but with cheaper furniture, and my parent's house is a dump too.

And I need a coffee shop, or something I can make look like a coffee shop.

Email me if you want to help me or if you are my real friend.

Thanks!

BabyHole tonight!

2009-01-20T11:59:00.000-08:00

Come and celebrate the USA the only way you can afford!

BabyHole's Inauguration Balls
Tuesday, January 20th, 9:00 pm, free!

Featuring Brooke Van Poppelen (Ms. Killtown, if you remember the fight) and Chesslee Calloway. Hosted by Melissa Surach as Uncle Sam.

And about 8 open mic slots.

The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

My broken computer

2009-01-15T09:56:00.000-08:00

Do you know how much it sucks to bring a 25-pound computer to the Mac Store on 5th Avenue and 58th Street in New York when you don't have a car and hate people in general? I do. And it sucks a lot.

First of all, the cab driver was very rude and never even helped me with the computer and farted in the cab on the way there. The ride ended up costing $50 with tolls and tip, which he demanded, even though he refused to let me off directly in front of the Mac Store. And his fart lingered for about 20 minutes.

After almost dropping the computer on the curb because I'm out of shape from basically being voluntarily bed ridden, and swarmed by pasty tourists, I got to the Mac Store and the elevator was broken. So I carried the computer down the stairs, while throngs of people rushed at me rudely.

It was very crowded. I think that there were tourists inside there just looking at the store. The concierge made me wait a long time even though I had an appointment and she didn't seem to be doing anything. And there were tons of stupid people there who needed help putting contacts on their iphones or updating playlists on their ipods. What a waste of space.

Anyway, the computer had to be there for a week or two.

So I guess I lied when I said that my public access show would be ready by January. I got really sick last week, and now my computer will be in the shop for a week or two. So hopefully, by February, it'll be ready to premiere.

And I'll be at Balance giving away Tarot card readings with calendar purchases again this Saturday.

BabyHole tomorrow night!

2009-01-12T09:41:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone,

Tomorrow night's BabyHole is going to be a big gay tofu dance party.

Featuring musical poet/vegan activist Leibya Rogers. This is one of her music videos.

"Leibya Spells Freedom" by Leibya Rogers - watch more funny videos

And gay hip hop from Soce the Elemental Wizard.

Soce, the elemental wizard - I Am So Gay
Uploaded by jief75

And don't forget that there's about 8 open mic slots.

You better come! I don't have bronchitis anymore. Please stop avoiding me.

BabyHole Open Mic

Featuring Leibya Rogers and Soce the Elemental Wizard.
Hosted by Melissa Surach.

Tuesday, January 13th, 9:00 pm, FREE!
The Lamp Post
382 2nd Street
Jersey City, NJ

No more after parties for this girl!

2009-01-04T10:51:00.000-08:00

I am all messed up on cold medicine and my face is killing me. Why? Because I went to an after party on Friday night. And you know what? I've never been to an after party that I did not regret.

First off, I don't know what it is about Jersey City, but everyone is at least 5 years behind the times. On Friday night, it was more like 15. The DJ kept playing early 90's dance and rap music, like House of Pain, but seriously, not as a joke. And if anyone asked him to play something from this decade, he said he was warming up to it, but never did.

My boyfriend and I danced stupidly and made out on the dance floor really grossly, because I thought that it was funny. That was the most fun to be had.

Then, and I don't know why this is, but there's always some bratty cunt that comes up to me at every after party I go to and says something obnoxious and bitchy to me. This one girl comes up to me while I'm on line for the bathroom and says that some guy told her I said I had a problem with her. I said, "No, I said that you're weird to me." Which she is, because she disagreed with something I said in passing 6 months ago and has been holding a grudge ever since (she de-friended me on every social networking website, I found out last week. What a loser). Anyway, she goes on about how we had a spat, and was about to go on a whiny, bitchy tirade, and I said, "We never had a spat. I don't know what you're talking about. But whatever it is, it's over." Then she looked at me cold in the eye and said, "Pee fast." I wish I said that I was gonna diarrhea all over the seat for her. But I was being too nice, and said, "Ok."

Then the worst thing happened. As we were about to leave, my jacket suddenly went missing. I was wearing a dingy red jacket with cigarette burns. I'm pretty sure that someone took it, because my boyfriend's jacket was still there, and they were together on a chair. And no one could have a jacket as similar to my ugly, out of style, dirty red one. Now I have to get new keys made, get a new had and gloves, and a new jacket. When I asked the guy working the "bar" if he'd seen it, he yelled at me, saying that they weren't responsible for lost things. What a dick. I don't even know why they pretend their stupid venue is legitimate at all.

So I walked home without a jacket, in the middle of winter. Now I have a nasty cold, no keys, no jacket, and more hatred for my home town and everyone in it. The only thing I have to look forward to is abusing NyQuil.

2058. New Year's at 58!

2008-12-30T12:31:00.000-08:00

This is the official (facebook) release for tomorrow night's New Year's Party at 58.

Come celebrate the year 2058, 49 years early! Starting at 10 pm.

Hosted by Melissa Surach (Baby Hole Comedy) who performs her Year in Revue, Live Jazz and Music by Any Day Parade at Midnight. DJ's Neil Eggs McCoy, Brian Jones, Dancing Tony & Auttie McNaughty, DJ Soul and mEgan, Lex Leonard and Special Guest DJ's.

Thanks. You're the best!

What am I doing this weekend? Tarot and Funerals!

2008-12-26T11:07:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone,

So my grandpa died last week, and we finally got his body from Poland, so now we can bury him. He designed the Katyn Memorial at Exchange Place. There was an article about him in The Jersey Journal.

Also, tomorrow I'll be giving out free tarot readings at Balance from 12-5 pm. The catch is you have to buy a calendar. I'll also be telling jokes or reading essays, or whatever else Carla wants me to do.

Calendar Delivery

2008-12-22T09:09:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone,

Time's running out to get your special friend a Melissa Surach 2009 Calendar for the holidays, and I wouldn't want to make your special friend angry.

If you order a calendar today or tomorrow, I'll drop it off myself as soon as I get it if it's being shipped to Jersey City. If not, we'll talk about it. Maybe I'll meet you on the PATH train. Just promise not to murder me, okay?

You can order one online from my blog or myspace page or just email me. Or you can buy one right now from Another Man's Treasure, Balance or Imagine Atrium.

Thanks!
Melissa

Buy my calendars at these stores!

2008-12-13T04:35:00.000-08:00

Hey everyone,

I wasn't going to distribute the calendars at stores this year, but I'm going to be away for the week and didn't want you to miss your chance to buy one. So you can buy calendars from these places. Most of them carry the 2/$20 deal that everyone loves.

Another Man's Treasure
353 Grove Street
Jersey City, NJ

Balance Hair Salon and A World of Style Vintage
18 Eerie Street
Jersey City, NJ

Imagine Atrium
528 Jersey Avenue
Jersey City, NJ

You can also order them from me online.

Thanks!
Melissa

The best Sarah Palin sketch ever

2008-12-11T23:09:00.000-08:00

I know that Sarah Palin is old news, but she has a place in my heart, and here is the best sketch I've ever seen.

I don't think you can really call it a parody or satire, how do you translate humor? Are Little Pequena's antics translatable? Is she or he supposed to be funny in Spanish?

I'll never know. But I do know that I love this video.

High Hats, Doldrums and Beatings to Death

2008-12-11T04:38:00.000-08:00

I'm reading some essays from my unpublished manuscript tomorrow at Imagine Atrium, the only bookstore in Jersey City, at 7 pm. I'll bring the wine if you bring the money.